Why do I do this to myself?

[phorsenuf]

Due to various medical conditions I cannot work full-time. Actually I can barely work at all. However after I quit my job several years ago (on the Drs. advice) I have worked off and on for my old company doing projects for them. Usually they will just last a couple of months maybe once a year.
Since this spring I have been back working on a large project. It is expected to go on many more months. I don't mind working per-se and I only work between 15-18 hours a week, three days a week.
When they asked me to come back I told them I would but explained to them because of my health there may be days I just can't come in. They were fine with that, they know I have health problems and are more than happy to work around that. They have nobody else there that can do this job (except my DH, but he's too busy with his own stuff), so they work with me.

So, tell me why, when I am feeling so lousy and in so much pain, do I make myself go? The whole deal was to do what I could when I could. I drag my sorry butt in then I pay dearly on the days I have off. Winter is a bad time of year for me and I'm dreading it already.

I know I could quit, but then the company would be in a lurch and I would feel bad. I know its sort of there fault since they do not have anyone else that can do this job. My DH has been with them for over 20 years and I've been off and on for 10. Plus too, the extra money is nice since I'm trying to save up for a Disney trip when my DS comes home on R&R from Afghanistan.

So off I go today, feeling like crap, dying of pain when I know I could go back to bed if I really wanted to. So why am I doing this to myself???? I know if I do keep it up much longer there will be a price to pay.

I know what the answer is, but I guess I just need to vent and whine some.

Thanks for listening.....LOL

 

[Microcell]

Maybe you could ask for a week off and think about what you want to do. Your health should come first.

 

[vacanut]

I think you know the answer to your questions! I always push myself even when I don't feel well or just plain overtired. Its a drive I got from my dad. I agree with the last post, why not take a week off??

 

[phorsenuf]

I wish I could take a week off but of course there are 2 projects (towns) that I need to try to get out the door by the end of next week.

And with vacation and Christmas coming I push myself because of the money. We could get by without it, but its nice to have the extra coming in.

Of course I come in today and my little ceramic heater is broken and its soooo cold in here. My body doesn't regulate temps real good and when I get cold it really does a number on me. Thats why winter is so bad for me. When we spent a couple years living in NC I was so much more healthier. I wish we could move back there.......