Why do I argue when my husband doesn't want to call his mom!?!?

[redsunfish]

I’m not really sure what to do about my MIL anymore so I thought I’d come in here to vent. I’m not that fond of her because I think she treats my husband pretty poorly and is overall just a very judgmental person and sometimes outwardly mean. She makes comments to my husband all the time about how surprised she is that he is doing well in life, she is judgmental of other people, and many times outwardly mean to both of us.

My DH says he’s ‘used to’ their relationship and that it is what it is (when we see them they watch TV the entire time and conversation is pretty much non-existent – it drives me crazy because that happens if we're at their house AND when they are at ours!). He doesn’t really care to see them and actually doesn’t contact them unless he is prodded to do so.

I’m very close to my family and it makes me sad that he never hears from his family. His mother refuses to call us because she says she’s not going to butt into her sons lives ….but then gets upset when we don’t call her! (and his dad works 24/7….I’m convinced so that he does’t have to spend time with my MIL). I make my DH call every few weeks but his mom thinks that I’m the one keeping him from her. She seems oblivious to the fact that they basically have no relationship and blames his lack of contact on me moving him away from her and the fact that I ‘obviously don’t like her’.

Now she hasn’t gotten back to us about coming for thanksgiving weekend because she’s convinced that I don’t want her there after we confronted them about watching/listening to sports the ENTIRE time they were over last time (my husband and I hate sports and really just wanted to spend time with them as opposed to sitting in front of a TV next to them watching something we don’t enjoy).

At this point I’m really not sure what to do. My husband would rather walk away and just never really see or speak to them but I think he needs to confront his mom about their issues and work this out. He’s convinced that she’s not going to change and that it’s not worth the energy. Personally I’m just sick of getting all the blame but I also realize this has been going on with MILs and the wives of their baby boys since the beginning of time and that it's probably not going to change.

Thanks for letting me vent and if you have any helpful ideas let me know!

 

[emma'smom]

If you have issues with his mom....and he has issues with his mom.....then all the better to just keep his mom out of the equation. Seriously, some families just aren't close and that's that. My DH never wants to call his family....I push him to do it on holidays and even that isn't consistent. I say just let it be and enjoy more time with your own family.

 

[mtemm]

my suggestion would be to let your husband manage his own relationship with his mother. let it go. he's not a child, he's old enough to know what relationship he wants to have with them, if any. I'm wondering what it matters if his parents think you are keeping him from them...you know the truth, he knows the truth.

it will never be what your relationship is with your family, and if you have children will not likely be the relationship your children have with you someday.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Darcy03231]

I agree the previous posters. Let your DH decide if and when he wants to talk to/see his mother.

 

[minkydog]

I’m not really sure what to do about my MIL anymore so I thought I’d come in here to vent. I’m not that fond of her because I think she treats my husband pretty poorly and is overall just a very judgmental person and sometimes outwardly mean. She makes comments to my husband all the time about how surprised she is that he is doing well in life, she is judgmental of other people, and many times outwardly mean to both of us.

She seems oblivious to the fact that they basically have no relationship and blames his lack of contact on me moving him away from her and the fact that I ‘obviously don’t like her’.

At this point I’m really not sure what to do. My husband would rather walk away and just never really see or speak to them but I think he needs to confront his mom about their issues and work this out. He’s convinced that she’s not going to change and that it’s not worth the energy.

Your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL. Very judgemental, cold, distant, makes disparaging comments. I don't think I've ever heard her compliment him. DH make the decision a long time ago to separate himself from his family. At first I didn't understand--I would never do that with my family. But then, my family treats me well.

A coupla suggestions from one who has been there: Admit to yourself and your DH that you don't like your MIL. Not just "not fond" of her, you really do dislike her. She's not a nice person and you don't have to like her. Don't go on and on, just "I don't like your mother very much." Your DH will know exactly what you mean.

Your husband is right, she is not going to change. She has no incentive to do so. Confronting her will do nothing to improve the situation. If anything it will escalate thing. She likes being the way she is and you're not going to change that. YOu can try, but you're the one who is going to be continually frustrated and hurt, not her. Some people are just toxic to us and we have to keep them at a distance from us.

Let your DH take the lead with his mother. Don't force him, don't even ask him to call his mother. He's a big boy. He has the right to decide if he wants to be verbally beat up by her. My DH only visits his mother about 3-4 times a year and he is quite fine with that. I don't blame him one bit.

As far as Thanksgiving, I would let it go. You invited the ILs, the ball is in their court. You can call them the Saturday before Thanksgiving if you want, but if they don't respond, oh well. Set enough places to include them if they decide to show up but don't hinge your day on whether they show up or not. Frankly, I'd be hoping they DONT show.

PS--next time you post, please use paragraphs. Easier reading and all.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Let him handle it...

If this is the kind of woman she is, I certainly wouldn't be pushing for something that just is not there.

And, you know-what-would freeze over before anybody ran the TV in my home when we were dining, visiting, etc... That right there shows that your husband has issues with being assertive, dealing with his parents, etc.. etc...

Seriously,
It is his parents.
Don't push it.

 

[Motherofboys]

My MIL can't stand me, I can't stand her. I have always been civil to her though she has pulled some unbelievable crap.

I used to remind my DH to call her, visit her, go up for holidays, etc. She was convinced that I was keeping him from her, when really he just didn't want to see her or spend time with her.

Finally I realized that they never had a good relationship and he had to deal with it on his own. I am supportive of his decision not to have her in his life (which means not in mine either )

She continues to think it is my fault, like somehow I could control my DH

Whatever, he's an adult and he makes his own decisions. In this case it is the best decision for all of us since it keeps the drama and ugliness out of our lives.

Not all families are close and forcing closeness doesn't usually work

Good luck to you guys, it took us over 10 years to get to this point

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I would be very happy to be the 'scapegoat'.

 

[Tasmen]

My MIL is nuts and I simply do not like her. The Dh doesn't really like dealing with his mother either. She drives him batty and he often avoids calling her when I need him to call her about things (I certainly don't want to call her).

This is our deal: I deal with my mom and he deals with his. He thinks this isn't an entirely fair deal as he said: 'But I like your mom'. But that's just how it is. I figure there is nothing I can do to change his mother. It sounds like there is nothing you can do to change your MIL either.

Your husband's mother = your husband's problem imho.

Even if you press the point about Thanksgiving, it just sounds like she's the type that will find some way to twist it around and still be the victim/martyr. I would just let it go. Balls in their court as other posters have said.

 

[DSNLvR]

My MIL can't stand me, I can't stand her. I have always been civil to her though she has pulled some unbelievable crap.

I used to remind my DH to call her, visit her, go up for holidays, etc. She was convinced that I was keeping him from her, when really he just didn't want to see her or spend time with her.

Finally I realized that they never had a good relationship and he had to deal with it on his own. I am supportive of his decision not to have her in his life (which means not in mine either )

She continues to think it is my fault, like somehow I could control my DH

Whatever, he's an adult and he makes his own decisions. In this case it is the best decision for all of us since it keeps the drama and ugliness out of our lives.

Not all families are close and forcing closeness doesn't usually work

Good luck to you guys, it took us over 10 years to get to this point

I agree, forcing closeness does not work. DH doesn't have much to do with his mom for very good reasons. I used to try and push it but once I realized how much she hurt him in the past I realized it was not good for him to have her in his life on a regular basis. That was his decision, not mine but I fully support him.

 

[DisneyLover83]

I also used to make my Dh call, send Mother's day card, etc for his Mom. Mother's day 2008, I didn't buy the card and say "Here, sign it." I told him several times that the holiday was approaching and he did nothing. Same thing happened for her birthday in 2008. Guess what? He sent his Dad a Father's Day card and Birthday card and calls him, without my prodding. Of course his mother blames me, little did she know she only got those cards for years because of me
Needless to say we don't have any relationship with this parents (sad because my Dh would like a relationship with his father), but it is for the best due to personal differences with his mother.

Anyway, my point is to follow your Dh's lead, it doesn't do you or your MIL any favors to push a relationship.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I’m not really sure what to do about my MIL anymore so I thought I’d come in here to vent. I’m not that fond of her because I think she treats my husband pretty poorly and is overall just a very judgmental person and sometimes outwardly mean. She makes comments to my husband all the time about how surprised she is that he is doing well in life, she is judgmental of other people, and many times outwardly mean to both of us.

My DH says he’s ‘used to’ their relationship and that it is what it is (when we see them they watch TV the entire time and conversation is pretty much non-existent – it drives me crazy because that happens if we're at their house AND when they are at ours!). He doesn’t really care to see them and actually doesn’t contact them unless he is prodded to do so.

I’m very close to my family and it makes me sad that he never hears from his family. His mother refuses to call us because she says she’s not going to butt into her sons lives ….but then gets upset when we don’t call her! (and his dad works 24/7….I’m convinced so that he does’t have to spend time with my MIL). I make my DH call every few weeks but his mom thinks that I’m the one keeping him from her. She seems oblivious to the fact that they basically have no relationship and blames his lack of contact on me moving him away from her and the fact that I ‘obviously don’t like her’.

Now she hasn’t gotten back to us about coming for thanksgiving weekend because she’s convinced that I don’t want her there after we confronted them about watching/listening to sports the ENTIRE time they were over last time (my husband and I hate sports and really just wanted to spend time with them as opposed to sitting in front of a TV next to them watching something we don’t enjoy).

At this point I’m really not sure what to do. My husband would rather walk away and just never really see or speak to them but I think he needs to confront his mom about their issues and work this out. He’s convinced that she’s not going to change and that it’s not worth the energy. Personally I’m just sick of getting all the blame but I also realize this has been going on with MILs and the wives of their baby boys since the beginning of time and that it's probably not going to change.

Thanks for letting me vent and if you have any helpful ideas let me know!

I did the same thing early in my marriage. I realized that his relationship with his parents was his own business to sort out. (My dh had a ton of issues).

You cannot force people to fix things. That happens when people want to fix them on their own.

After 19yrs of marriage things are pretty good and the relationships have gone the direction he wanted with his family.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If your DH wants to walk away, let him.

I know it will be easier said than done...but forcing a relationship under the premise of encouragement can often backfire and in essence that is what you are trying to do. Force a situation.

I wouldn't care what his mother thought about me.

My dad depended on my step-mom to remind him of my birthday and one year he forgot....I didn't tell him for many weeks and then it came up b/c he was at my cousins wedding the following weekend.

Well, he has not forgotten since b/c he set up a reminder for himself.
(should be noted that my DH's birthday was not forgetten at all. that year.)

People who want to remember--WILL! Those who don't, won't.

And if my DH forced the issue of callng my dad and making me send him cards, I would have a cow.

 

[golfgal]

Why would you want to push your DH to do something that makes him sad, miserable, etc.? Not every family is close and often it is best for everyone if you distance yourself from people like your MIL. We had basically no contact with my mom for several years because she was a lot like your MIL. If this were a friend you certainly would not put up with the behavior, why would you put up with it just because it is his mom?

 

[bumbershoot]

If he wants to walk away, let him. If she's unpleasant, doesn't interact, etc etc, why continue the farce?

Hubby's close to that place, but resists because he thinks some magical fairy is going to hit her with the "nice" stick someday...there's some heavy guilt that is entirely misplaced. He does the same with his sister. Can't realize that the last time she was a good person was when she was 9, and she's 35 and he needs to stop trying to get her back to being 9 again....

For a long time MIL thought that I was keeping him away from her...now it's morphed (b/c I distanced myself from her, so she's trying ot "win" me back it seems) into I am the reason for all the good things, and he's the loser. Well I don't like THAT at all! And I didn't even care what she thought, though I did urge hubby to be honest with her.

Anyway, I'd just let your husband chart the course with his mother...

 

[disykat]

I agree with everyone, let your husband make his own relationship choices with them.

You are going to be "to blame" regardless, that's just the way it is. If you take on that responsibility it just means you're accepting some of the blame. Refuse the responsibilty, refuse the blame.

If he has issued the invitation for Thanksgiving and they don't want to come if it's sports free, that is not your problem.

 

[mrsstats]

And here I thought I was the only one pushing DH to call their mom. We will be married 40 years and I still remind him to call his mom. I did it 2 weeks ago and then they had a big blow up on the phone over Obama (she does not like Obama) and MIL used a very wrong word to describe him. DH was furious with her as DH does not talk like that and when he hung up he said to me "Thanks for making me call her" So I am done with that.

 

[Sleepy]

I learned years ago that not every family is the same. There are things in the past that your spouse is never going to share with you. Trust me,if a man does not call his mom more than once a month, there has to be a reason. If mom doesn't call, there has to be a reason. It is not up to me to dig, poke and prod my husband to communicate with her. Why cause friction in your own marriage by irritating him? Let it go.

 

[redsunfish]

I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this post!!

I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice.

Your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL. Very judgemental, cold, distant, makes disparaging comments. I don't think I've ever heard her compliment him.

This is 100% the way she is. She is always putting my DH down and making demeaning remarks towards him. She does the same to me but it's when she does it to my husband that I get really upset. She's supposed to be his mom...the person who believes in him most!!

Anyway, I had heeded your advice and told my husband that it was up to him when we saw/spoke to his family from now on and how we dealt with them. I felt a weight had been lifted....until.....

Within two days of eachother this week we got both an e-mail from my BIL and a birthday card for me from my MIL and FIL.

The birthday card was a month late and had a sizeable amount of money in it that I was already uncomfortable taking.

The e-mail, two days later, was a note from my BIL saying 'mom's crazy'.

She is refusing to meet my BILs girlfriend of the last year saying she is no longer going to involve herself with the women in either of her son's lives.

Turns out my BIL got an e-mail from his mother complaining about me and going on and on about his ex-wife and how great she was. My BIL defended me and then said that there was a reason he was divorced (because exSIL wasn't a good person) and that the ex-wife was only using her (my MIL would pay for trips and meals for my BIL and exSIL) and didn't really like the family at all.

Understandably this upset my MIL and she stated she doesn't want anything to do with me or BIL's GF whom she's never met. If that's the case why the heck did she send me all this money???

So now I'm left in a difficult situation. I don't want the money from someone who "doesn't want anything to do with me". I didn't even want it before the e-mail from BIL and even less now!!! I've always hated how she tries to buy our love all the time and my DH and I have talked about it numerous times.

I'm happy to let him deal with their relationship how he sees fit now (his stance is that if she doesn't want anything to do with me then she's not going to have anything to do with him at this very moment) but this involves a card and money that was sent to me personally that I have to deal with. Do I say something to her (a letter or otherwise)? Do I send the money back? Do I donate it to charity? If I do donate it do I tell her that or do I just play along and write a normal thank you?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, the MIL is crazy. You cannot fix crazy, so stop trying.

Here is what you should do with the money. Keep it and write a nice cheery thank you note.

Now here is why....

If you do anything other than what is "normal" it is an invitation to start "warring". Stop falling for the bait. I can blame a fish in the lake for falling for it, but as a thinking adult you are able to avoid the bait.

Stop engaging MIL. That is your first step to being able to handle someone who is not all there.

Keep it simple OP, trust me.

Oh and NEVER EVER EVER write anything and send it. That is a big no-no and one of my cardinal rules when dealing with manipulative/crazy people. If you want to hash something out with her, it must be done in person. If you can't do it in person, then let it go.

Oh I also wanted to add, stop talking about it with your DH and your BIL. Esp. do not exchange emails with BIL if you are doing so. Nothing negative should be in writing, period. Call him up if you want to talk about MIL.