Why do 13 yr old girls have to be so MEAN!

[Becky2005]

Unfortunately, I don't think it ever really ends.

My DD has the same issues, I never know who is her friend & who isn't because one minute "she's not talking to me anymore, we aren't friends" -- then a few months later "Can I go over to so & so's house?" -- ME "HUH? I thought you guys weren't friends anymore?" -- Right now we are on the friend cycle -- I'm betting money on how long it will be before she turns around and tells me this same "friend" is not talking to her now because of something said/done.

Unfortunately, she has no good friend that has been there through thick & thin that I see her still being friend with say 40 years from now. My hunch is once she is out of High School, she won't stay friends with most of these girls. The connection is just not there.

Oh, and I forgot to say, DD tends to have a lot of friends that are guys, which I think doesn't help her in the girl friends department. I know last year, from what I heard, one girl was freaking out how DD could just go up and talk to "BOYS" -- DD thought she had 2 heads and said "It's easy, you just say Hi". I think that comes from having 3 brothers, she's so used to boy antics and things that she fits in with them more as a pal than anything else but jealousy can rear it's ugly head at this stage.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I remember this age with my one DSD. First, she decided she wanted to be homeschooled. She's very bright and I worked full time so there was no way DH was going to deal with it. Second, she decided she wanted to go to the Catholic school across the street. I told her that she would need to wear a uniform and take religious classes. Nope, that was out as she had decided that she was an atheist. Finally, she decided that I needed to send her to boarding school just like in Facts of Life. I informed her that it was fictious, I didn't have the money and the show was over 20 years old. I think the age of the show upset her the most.

She struggled through but some days I wasn't sure if we were going to make it out. It's a tough age. Good luck to all the parents and the girls.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think it's because at this age they become so insecure and unsure of themselves. It helps them to make fun of others, as awful as it is.

I don't have daughters, but have been through something similar with my son. Just love her a little extra and make sure she knows how wonderful she is!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

A life of manipulation starts to really take shape...

 

[remfam5]

I found for me it was also disheartening when I realized my friendships with the parents weren't going to last or be the same once the girls started to move on. Many of us became so tight in early grade school. So it is a huge learning time for everyone!

This has been the case for us too. It also makes it hard when you feel like the other parents aren't taking what's going on to heart. I guess sometimes I just feel that since we are all ( or were) such good friends that we as parents should step in sometimes and remind our kids to have compassion and that being a friend is more than just saying "I'm your friend" it's following up those words with actions!
Just a VERY hard lesson to learn.

 

[nsalz]

This has been the case for us too. It also makes it hard when you feel like the other parents aren't taking what's going on to heart. I guess sometimes I just feel that since we are all ( or were) such good friends that we as parents should step in sometimes and remind our kids to have compassion and that being a friend is more than just saying "I'm your friend" it's following up those words with actions!
Just a VERY hard lesson to learn.

Amen to that....I have two daughters. One is 15 the other 13. My 13 year old is in the last 1/2 of 8th grade thank God!!!! I have to say Middle School girls are so vicious. Once my older girl started high school it was so different. There were many more clubs and twice as many students, she has made some nice friends. Now I am just hoping for the same for my 13 year old. It has been a lonely year for her and heartbraking for me.

 

[DISNEY1975]

I know how you feel. My son was friends with same group of boys since Kindergarten. They all played baseball together and went on trips together. They would spend the night at each other's houses.

Things changed in 7th grade. My son's best friend moved to another state. Two of the other boys joined the football team. My son wasn't interested. Football is huge here and I think some of the team members can get big egos. My son would go to the high school football games and one of his prior best friends wouldn't even talk to him. This is the same kid who we have taken with us on vacations.

Anyway, I encouraged him to make new friends. He did. But things aren't the same as they were. He never found another best friend like the one who moved. His new friends are nice, but he isn't as close to them. It's an adjustment and he is doing fine though.

Your daughter will make new friends. It just takes time. But I don't know why kids who used to be good friends could treat their old friends badly.

ETA - Nothing against football players though. My son's best friend who moved plays football and he is the coolest kid ever.

Somewhat of the same thing happened to my son in school. He is a basketball player, never played football in his life and didnt want to join in case he injured himself and ruined his basketball season.

I felt bad at first and started to worry his social life wasnt what it used to be, but then I also thought, its not too cool for a boy to have "sleepovers" anymore at his age and its a little embarrassing to have your mom drive you to the movies/mall.

My older son went through the same thing, but once he and the kids got their licenses, they were a lot more social. When your son starts driving, you'll see a huge difference.

 

[Darsa]

I hear ya; DD14's three best friends are all boys. She has lots of girls for friends but not as close as these three guys. Some of the things she's heard from the girls has her coming home in tears. Not sure how I'm going to handle that one.

 

[shortbun]

I have a son but I also drive a school bus. My husband is doing a short student teaching at a middle school and my only advice to him the first day was, 'watch out for the girls; do not engage in any conversation that is not totally professional with them. They will eat you alive.' lol, that's seriously the text I sent him that morning. My son is glad to be going to high school next year because most of the girls in his middle school are going to other high schools. He's happy to be leaving them behind. They scare him.

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

They are evil...I tell you....pure EVIL

I totally agree!!!

It makes you wonder where the kids get their morals and values from!

 

[Darsa]

Well, I got an IM this morning from a former friend ("FF")of my DD that made me think of this thread! This nutso little girl (who is 14) IM'ed me and informed me that DD is a "witch" (tho she didn't use that term) and that she broke some boy's heart, and that she ended up breaking up FF and HER boyfriend, who DD happens to be good friends with. First I was flabbergasted that she would say such things TO ME, an ADULT and DD's MOTHER; then I was angry at the content, because my daughter is about as sweet and caring as they come (I may be biased but others have said the same).

I cannot believe this girl was so disrespectful to me, and I really can't believe how rotten she is to my DD!! Luckily my DD goes to a different school than she does, because I can see this girl beating my DD up for FF's imaginary issues with her.

 

[zalansky]

I went through a lot of this as a tween too. Its a horrible age! One day you wake up and a girl who loved you as a BFF decides they are not speaking to you anymore.

I don't miss those days and I certainly am not looking forward to when my daughter gets to this age.

The sad part is, some grown women behave this way too. The same rule in adulthood applies, if someone is talking about everyone behind their backs you can rest assured they're talking about you too. The difference is, being adult, you just kick those idiots to the curb without a second thought.

 

[agnes!]

Well, I got an IM this morning from a former friend ("FF")of my DD that made me think of this thread! This nutso little girl (who is 14) IM'ed me and informed me that DD is a "witch" (tho she didn't use that term) and that she broke some boy's heart, and that she ended up breaking up FF and HER boyfriend, who DD happens to be good friends with. First I was flabbergasted that she would say such things TO ME, an ADULT and DD's MOTHER; then I was angry at the content, because my daughter is about as sweet and caring as they come (I may be biased but others have said the same).

I cannot believe this girl was so disrespectful to me, and I really can't believe how rotten she is to my DD!! Luckily my DD goes to a different school than she does, because I can see this girl beating my DD up for FF's imaginary issues with her.

Yikes, that's really disturbing.

Ignore her. Do not respond in any way - do not IM her back, no e-mails, no texts, no phone-calls either from you or from your DD or from anyone else about this bizarre behavior. See if ignoring this Mean Girl will make her move on to other targets. This girl is looking to get a rise out of people, however she can accomplish that. She sounds almost... unhinged .

And DO NOT DELETE this IM, keep it if you possibly can, print it out, do whatever you have to do to keep that content and keep who it came in from. Sometimes, y'know, a paper trail is a good thing...

agnes!

 

[bettymae1121]

All schools/towns are different, but I found when I was growing up that it all went away for the most part in HS. Our HS's are large (2000 students on average) and with a school that big and all the classes and activities, the kids just didn't have the time or energy to put into picking on each other. They still had their cliques and groups of course, but for the most part they left each other alone.

 

[Darsa]

She sounds almost... unhinged

Everything about this girl leads me to believe that there are some serious psychological issues, which scares me even more! And I did keep a copy of what was said; hopefully I won't need it for anything!

 

[kristilew]

OP, you will get a complete answer to the "why" part of your question if you read Rachel Simmons' latest book: The Curse of the Good Girl. It is the follow up to her fascinating Odd Girl Out that came out about 8 years ago. Also a good read, especially to help explain things to your DD and help her strategize how she will handle herself.

It is amazing how much our (mothers') own responses and vocabulary can help or hinder our daughters when they deal with middle school madness. And it's wonderful to see an empowered tween girl able to identify manipulative behavior in others and step out of the drama cycle.

For pure interesting sociology, Queen Bees and Wanna Bes is a good read, too, but has much less concrete help than Simmons' books. If you are Christian, Kevin Leman's Running the Rapids is a good support for parents of middle school kids, though most non-religious types will not find it helpful.

to you and your DD, it's a tough age for both of you!

 

[remfam5]

OP, you will get a complete answer to the "why" part of your question if you read Rachel Simmons' latest book: The Curse of the Good Girl. It is the follow up to her fascinating Odd Girl Out that came out about 8 years ago. Also a good read, especially to help explain things to your DD and help her strategize how she will handle herself.

It is amazing how much our (mothers') own responses and vocabulary can help or hinder our daughters when they deal with middle school madness. And it's wonderful to see an empowered tween girl able to identify manipulative behavior in others and step out of the drama cycle.

For pure interesting sociology, Queen Bees and Wanna Bes is a good read, too, but has much less concrete help than Simmons' books. If you are Christian, Kevin Leman's Running the Rapids is a good support for parents of middle school kids, though most non-religious types will not find it helpful.

to you and your DD, it's a tough age for both of you!

Thanks for the reading suggestions. I will check into them.

 

[remfam5]

Just think all those mean 13 year old girls grow up to be mean grown women!

Yes! Some do.... and thus the cycle continues I guess.

 

[Buckalew11]

I sit here and read this with tears in my eyes. My daughter was bullied during elementary and middle school years with it escalating in 8th grade. Private christian school. The worst of all the bullies sent me a friend request on fb. How ironic. My advice from the guidance counselor was this,"Your daughter does not fit in. She will never fit in. And you do not want her to fit in." It was a horrible conversation. It was a horrible 2 years.

She wanted to HS and that's what we've done. If her school had been larger, we would have stand the course and I would have known there were different groups to get in with. But with a class of about 20, what's going to change? Some, maybe with maturity etc. but really, she was the target and as long as she was the target, they left each other alone. So, no one came to her rescue--after all, they might be next. Let her be the victim.
Anyway, it was the best thing I have ever done for her pulling her out and geting her involved with a public school. lol, Again...ironic.

Sad part of it, I do hair for a living and you know what? Women come in my shop, sit in my chair and tell me stories of bullying at the work place every day. Really sad. Like someone said, these kids are in training.