Why are there always cliques? A vent, sort of.

[mommaU4]

My DS10 went thru a hard time last year at school because he didn't have many friends. He had one good friend but it was so hard to be on the "outside". He used to get very upset and cry. I told him that part of it had to do with the fact that he was new to the school and some of the kids had been there since Kindergarten. I told him to just remember to treat others the way he'd want to be treated and eventually he'd make more friends. Then I left his room and cried and cried to think of my "baby" feeling that way. I'm tearing up now just remembering how hurt he was.

He eventually did make more friends and things are better this year although I don't know if he's part of the "popular" clique. Not that it matters, one true friend is worth more than 20 superficial friends and he seems happy.

But it made me start to think about what happened. Everyone who's ever been to school has had some experience with this. I remember all the cliques in my school. I wish I could tell my kids that once you leave school it gets better, but it doesn't.

Why is it there has to be cliques everywhere? I see them in churches, PTA's, play-groups, even here on the DIS. Why can't we as adults just be accepting of others without having to band together to keep out a select few? And as parents, what do we tell our kids in situations like that?

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

We tell them to find friends who share their interests. It's a fact of life that you can't get along with everyone. Unfortunately, it's the way things have always been.

 

[rhanditresmom]

Your post made me think of my own DS. He is almost 12. Last year was the worst year of his life. He has known all the same kids since kinder and has been friends with all of them for the whole time. Last year some of them decided he wasn't "cool" enough. He tried so hard...we all did, to reduce the harrassment. We bought "cool" clothes, did "cool" things...nothing helped. Turned out it was just a couple of kids trying to find a scapegoat and they picked my son. He is small and is not athletic. It was so hard to see him cry and ask "why". But, fast forward to this year...6th grade has been so good for him. He has found some good friends and some of the harrassers have moved on to other targets. He has rekindled some relationships and is having the time of his life.

I don't know why we clique. I try so hard not to. I know how it feels to be the outsider and I also know that it doesn't matter how "popular" we are in the whole scheme of things. Many times the super-popular kids are the ones who turn out to be less than wonderful. I also think cliqueing leads to insecurity. I just stress the fact that I think my kids are wonderful and that anyone who treats them poorly is just unhappy in their own right. I think the best thing you can do for your kids is encourage them, listen to them, let them know they are important and have important things to say....and let them fight their own battles (within reason).

Hugs to you and your DS.

 

[mudnuri]

I dont think the OP was speaking in terms of not getting along with others...she was more speaking of groups who do not allow others in.

That said, what i see is living in the same community where I grew up, the same families are in the same clicques that we had when i was little.

For instance, people who I went to school with were in certain groups, their children are now in those same groups. Same for my kids, i was always in the athletic/popular group, my girls are as well...most of the kids in their group of friends, have parents or aunts/uncles that I was in a group with.

In a way I see them as good things, kids/adults with the same interests are together most of the time. They seem to have more in common, but then I see them as bad as well.

Especially early middle school groupies- they can be so nasty...I've seen them everywhere I've gone, from school when I was younger, to college now, to workplace, to just about everwhere.

I know how you felt with your son, DD9 had an issue with a few girls last year, now they are back to being inseperable. ugh

Brandy

 

[KeepSwimming]

I understand your frustration. It is soooooo hard being the mom. My mom used to say all the time when we were growing up, "you think it's hard going through this stuff, wait until you have no control over anything and are forced to be a spectator."

OP, if we could hang out I would first say keep being a positive influence in your sons life. Remind him to make good choices, treat others as he would want to be treated, and to not worry about other people's opinions.

Then, as one "spectator" to another, I would pour you a shot, load you into my car, and we'd drive around in the middle of the night and TP all of those little snot bubbles houses until you felt (at least) a little better.

Hang in there honey....this too shall pass....for your son AND for you. You keep your head up, and stay tough for him and he'll follow your lead.

 

[Michie]

Busy kids are happy kids.

Is he involved in activities outside of school? Scouts and such?

Cliques don't bother me so much...birds of a feather flock together. But I have always demanded that me kids be nice to everybody and include others.This being mean and nasty in kids and adults, is never going to be fashionable. It is just a front for insecurity.

 

[luvmydogs]

I've always told my ds10 that nice people attract nice people, and to an extent I believe it's true, but I think a lot of times (as in my ds's case), it's proximity and common interests that tie he and his friends together. He's big into sports, so the majority of his school friends are kids on the sports teams--they play at reccess and talk about the 'big game' that went on over the weekend--the common interest thing. He also is good friends with several neighborhood boys--they play together all the time because until they get their driver's licenses, they're all each other has! But even within their little groups, the boys will show how fickle they can be: "Chris isn't my friend this week, Robert's a loser, Forest is lousy at football..." Oy!

But you're very right--cliques don't go away, and adults can often be as snarky and exclusive as Queen Bee teen girls! I used to be very overweight, and was never a member of the Popular Moms' Club. But once I lost 110 pounds, I all of a sudden had all these women clamoring to be my friend. I've decided to stick to those who liked me when I was heavy.

I'm glad your son is happier this year. I have a ds who's 10 also, and we're entering those tough soon-to-be-teen years. I think I'll sit back with you and enjoy our sons' ages now--I don't forsee the next few years as getting any easier!

 

[nwdisgal]

Busy kids are happy kids.

Is he involved in activities outside of school? Scouts and such?

Cliques don't bother me so much...birds of a feather flock together. But I have always demanded that me kids be nice to everybody and include others.This being mean and nasty in kids and adults, is never going to be fashionable. It is just a front for insecurity.

I agree. That is what I've always told my kids. My older child is very social and has lots of friends. My other child is very introverted and has a few friends. He is happy with his extracurricular activities and fulfilled by his hobbies. Usually his friends are kids with similar interests. I've never really worried about it because friends come and go - especially during the K-12 years. Most of the friends I keep in touch with are people I've known from college and on.

OP, to answer your question though, yes, there are always cliques of some sort. Just the way life is. I think the most important thing is to enjoy your interests and hobbies and you'll meet people that you "click" with.

 

[mommaU4]

My DS is small and not very athletic like one of the other posters said her son was and right now isn't into Scouts or anything like that. He takes Karate classes but that's about it. I'm happy that he has a few good friends and he really hasn't complained since school started this year so that's a good sign.

I'm just being a typical mom. I know we can't shield our kids from all the hurtful things out there in the world and they will go through many trials and challenges in life. But to hear your child crying because they don't have someone to play with is something you never forget even if they have gotten over it! It breaks your heart.

I can take whatever life hands me, but there's nothing I wouldn't give to take away my kids heartaches. Why didn't anyone ever warn me how hard it would be to have to sit back and let my kids go through things like this!! Oh well, hopefully this year will continue to be a good one.

As an adult though, I am going to make sure to be as friendly and welcoming as I can in all situations. I'd never want anyone to feel the way DS did last year.

 

[mommaU4]

But you're very right--cliques don't go away, and adults can often be as snarky and exclusive as Queen Bee teen girls! I used to be very overweight, and was never a member of the Popular Moms' Club. But once I lost 110 pounds, I all of a sudden had all these women clamoring to be my friend. I've decided to stick to those who liked me when I was heavy.

Good for you!! On losing the weight and maintaining your values.
It never ceases to amaze me how some moms can be so cruel and judgemental to each other when we are all basically going through the same things and should be supporting each other!

 

[MoniqueU]

I dont know but in our neighborhood it seems to be pretty bad. If you don't go to this one certain church you are banned from having your kids play with a whole group of kids. They don't come out and say it but thats the way it is. Real Christian. Don't even get me started on the moms that look down their nose at just about anyone outside their clique.

My oldest just started JR high and seems to have more friends this year then last. I think the other kids are also searching for friendships in the big scary world of Jr high. I worry about my girls when they get older though. I think they will be more affected by it.

 

[SDFgirl]

I'm sorry about what happened to your DS. I was in much the same boat in 4th/5th grade. Being the new kid...I had a hard time making friends. I think you just kind of have to wait it out...by 6th grade I had a lot of friends, and by high school was in the "popular" (I hate that word, btw) crowd.

But, in high school, I always, always remembered what it felt like to feel excluded or unwanted, so I tried very hard to be nice to everyone. Unlike some of my popular friends. So, perhaps this will be a character-building time for your son...when he develops empathy towards others.

 

[Sleepy]

I wish I could tell my kids that once you leave school it gets better, but it doesn't.

Oh, but it DOES and you already stated why. It is because when you become an adult, you realize how superficial those "cliques" are. The only clique I worry about is right here in my house.

 

[goofy4tink]

Welcome to my life!! My dd, 12, has always had an issue like this. While I do believe that a lot of the kids in these cliques can be really nasty, it seems to be a part of life. My dd has been fighting this since second grade. She is tall, very thin, wears glasses, braces, has red hair....can you imagine the grief she gets!! She does tend to be a bit immature for her age and certainly marches to the beat of a different drummer. But, just this year, sixth grade, she is finding her own 'clique'. They are a group of like girls...all very unique, who don't wear the 'in' things, or are heavily into sports and don't gush over the boys. Hopefully, this group will hang together when they get to middle school.

When one clique torments another girl, it's the most awful thing to see. But, as my dd gets older, I find that these cliques are starting to form along more 'acceptable' lines. They are more like-minded kids, who are finding others who think and act the way they do. It's not so much about the 'cool factor' anymore. Sure, there are the 'popular' girls (and boys) but the kids seem to be finding their own way much better now. However....I know it's going to get bad again next year! Nothing worse than 13 y/o girls.

 

[mommaU4]

Thanks guys!