Why are people so rude?

[AC7179]

My grandpa lives in Dallas, about two hours away from where I live. He's 84, and although he was a part of my life growing up, we've never really been super close. My whole life, we would see him 3-4 times a year, mainly on holidays. We've kept that up, and I know he'd like us to come see him more often than that. It's hard to get up that way though, and I have little kids and his house is extraordinariy unkidfriendly, so I'm stressed out the whole time she's going to break something. I love him, and I know he's not going to be around forever, so since we were in Dallas this weekend I made sure we went to see him.

He's not the easiest person to be around, and it's a little stressful. After we're there for about 2o minutes, he calls me to the kitchen. He wants me to try some food they made. I try it, tell him it was good, and then he says, "So......why have you gained all this weight?"

I have gained plenty of weight in the lasy tear, for a variety of reasons. I'm obviously super self-conscious about it, so as soon as he said that I was about to cry. I told him I didn't know and he said, "Well, I know why," and he pointed to the food.

Hello! He's the one who called me in there and told me to try it. I know I'm oversensitive because I KNOW I've gained weight, but it kinda ruined my day.

I'd never tell somebody something like that...I'm not sure why he would say something like that to me after not seeing me for six months or so. Maybe just a different generation, but still......ugh.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think some people just get super cranky when they get old. I don't know if it's regret or loneliness or fear of dying, and they are just acting out-but don't let it get to you. People say stupid things for stupid reasons, and sometimes they think they are helping when they are just making it worse.

 

[chisnpeke]

My grandpa would do this to my mom. He would tell her she needs to lose weight and then EVERY week he would bring a bunch of pastries and say "just because they are there doesn't mean you have to eat them!" Well then what are they for then? It's hard to resist things when they are constantly in front of you.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

Sometimes family members are the rudest of all. I'm sorry he hurt your feelings.

 

[holycow]

That makes me boiling mad. I've been through the same thing with quite a few people actually. Mother , MIL (x2) FIL etc.

Next time he says something I'd just say. I know what my problem is but are you aware you have a problem? Then when he asks I'd say something rude but that is just me.

Hugs....I had to realized that I am a valid human being even if I am FAT! I had to learn to love myself regardless of what size I am and move on and try to be the best I can be.

and I don't think it is an age thing. Rudeness is rudeness regardless of age.

 

[mrs_hower726]

Wow, your grandpa is a lot like my grandmother.

My mom has been doing WW and lost 60 lbs. before being diagnosed with breast cancer. She has put some back on with all the steriods and other medications she's been taking and my (paternal) grandmother said to her last Friday "You look like you put half your weight back on".

I think she and your grandpa are lonely and bitter and the only way they can validate themselves is to make other people feel like they do. It's a shame.

 

[ajk912]

That would devastate me if someone said something like that to me.

 

[bicker]

As someone who's gained a good bit of weight in the last year, and understands from first-hand experience several reasons why that could happen, I empathize. However, I try not to allow the callous remarks of others to affect me. (I tear myself apart about my failings more than enough; I surely don't need to let others do so as well. ) Of course, there need to be exceptions; you need to bond with people, and that lets them have such impact on you. However, you can choose who those people are -- who's perspectives you value and appreciate and take to heart. It sounds like your grandfather isn't a good candidate for that.

 

[lisajl]

I'm sorry your grandfather said that to you. It was not right. There are older people that have lost that "stop talking" button in their brain.
My MIL saw a photo of me when I was 5. It is a cute photo but she said, "Who is that?", when I told her it was me, she said, "What happened to you?" I was so dumbfounded that I did not know what to say.
Later, when my brain came back I realized what I should have said...
"I married into your family, that is what happened!"

I can laugh about it now, but boy did that comment hurt.
Good luck with your grandpa.
Lisa

 

[Minnie-n-Mickey4ever]

Your grandpa sounds a lot like my dad used to. My dad passed away last year, and because of him being nasty and rude the last few years of his life - I hate to say I don't miss him. I do miss the father I remember as I was growing up, but not the hateful, rude man he was before he died.

To give one example of how hateful, rude & nasty he could be - he's one story:

DH & I took dad (who was living with us at the time - BIG mistake but that is another story) with us to a wedding. He knew just about everyone at the wedding (since it was a family friend). Anyway, while we were sitting at our table (with some friends that we hadn't seen for a while) dad yells at me "don't tell everyone you've been married for 16 years!" I looked at him and asked why not. He yells again "because you have nothing to show for it!" I asked what he meant by that and he yells again "you have no babies you have nothing!" I swallowed and looked up to see everyone at the table staring at us. I leaned close to dad and said in his ear (so no one but he heard me "don't ever speak to me again." And I tried to ignore him the rest of the night (which was kind of hard to do since he was sitting next to me).

I can't tell you how hurt and upset I was but it took everything I had NOT to burst into tears. What dad didn't know at the time was that DH & I had been trying for years and were told that medically it was impossible for me to get pregnant. And since we spent our savings on medically trying - we had nothing left to use for adoption. But what really upset DH & I was the fact that dad didn't see anything wrong with what he said.

Anyway, family members can be the rudest.

 

[c4a]

Those that love us the most are under the impression that they know what is best for us & that if they didn't tell us...no one else will. That doesn't make it any easier to take, though.

And being your grandfather, unfortuntly, you can't answer him with the same level of respect that was given. Makes me thankful for the southern answer to everything..."well, bless your heart." Sometimes, it isn't an insult...it is a filler when you can't give the answer that is in your head and heart.

 

[holycow]

Minnie/Mickey4ever to you.

You made me cry.

 

[DisTeach1]

I think people get to the point in age where they say what they want to say and don't use a filter anymore. And it's okay...let them say it. Sometimes brutal honesty can be refreshing and sometimes it can be a wakeup call to us. All the older relatives I know are like this and I have to say, it may be rude, but it's also usually painfully honest!!

 

[ChrizJen]

Oh, my. to all of you who have been hurt by others' unkind words...
I don't know why it happens, but when people get older, they seem to feel more inclined to just share their thoughts with the world, no matter how mean or hateful they may be.
I had 2 people in my life who pretty much destroyed my self esteem early in life due to the irresponsible things they said to me. First, a great aunt who, when I was 10 told me that I was fat and needed to start exercising more. I was 10!! And I wasn't fat. I thought I was at the time, so that comment really broke my heart. But looking back at pictures from then, I was a normal kid.
Then I was a freshman in high school, my gym teacher told me that at 5'7" and 140 pounds, I was obese and needed to diet! Seriously, how would a teacher think that it's OK to tell a normal 14 year-old girl that she needs to lose weight??? This is the reason we have such a problem with eating disorders in our country.

Anyhow, sorry to derail the OP's topic. Back to old people and their lack of filter when talking...I think that the filter just breaks down over time, and they just don't care anymore. I suppose maybe they think that they've lived it all, and so they have right to just say what they think.

 

[Heidict]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I can totally relate. My Great grandmother was very onery and would say what ever she felt like, not caring or not thinking that she could be hurting someones feelings.

If you were even 10 or 15 pounds over your "ideal" weight she would say something. "Oh look, there's my chubby girl". I don't know if she thought she was being cute, or helpful or what.