Whos side are you on?

[Christine]

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. My mom started dating a man when I was 4 and remarried when I was 8. This man has been the only father that I've had. My biological father dropped all contact with me when I was 12. My bio father was 18 when I was born and close to 30 when he stopped seeing me.

He was a mixed up guy and not a good husband or father; however, according to my mom, in his own immature way he did love me. When he was a bit over 30, he remarried and had more children. He still never contacted me. Part of that was something I had said to him when I was 12 and also due to the fact that my mom hassled him for not paying child support.

With all that said, if the man contacted me now (I am 45), yes, I would communciate with him. Why? Because he and his family (my grandparents, aunts, etc) are a part of me that is unknown to me. I had some type of relationship with them very early on and I liked them. Honestly, I miss not knowing them. There is a curiousity about my biological family that is not yet satisfied. It is probably similar to what an adopted child goes through. Just wanting to know about themselves, biologically speaking. I mean, is there a history of medical problems, mental issues, etc. that would be helpful to me? I'd like to know.

My bio father will NEVER be my true father no matter how much he contacts me. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to know him.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

That's true. But what story could possibly justify what that person did? Someone was out to kill him and in order to protect his family he had to leave without a trace? He was mentally ill? I can't think of much where hearing his side is going to change anything.

addiction. mental illness. selfishness. They don't "justify" but they explain. And when a person has these issues dealt with, there is the chance to make amends. Sometimes it brings positives, and sometimes it brings resolution. Either way, it is between the two people involved. Everyone else needs to keep their issues between themselves and that person also.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I'm glad the daughter has learned of this power. It will keep her in good stead all of her life.

She isn't speaking to the parents who raised her. She hasn't learned anything.

As for the rest, I have none of these issues going on in my life (My father didn't abandon me and my kids' father didn't abandon them). But I am not going to judge a woman who was left destitute by her husband. She is entitled to her pain and her anger for as long as she feels it. She is entitled to feel betrayed by her daughter. There is no "my way or the highway" going on here from the mother's POV. The daughter is the one who stopped speaking to the parents.

 

[ginna74]

ya see I don't see it that way at all!!! Hurting people you love is just not ok. lying and hiding isn't ok. Telling your mom you are searching for your dad is . When you want to be treated like a grown up you are supposed to act like one. PERIOD. When you want to be part of a family you treat the others with respect, unless you don't care about them or their feelings. There are just so many opinions I guess.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That's true. But what story could possibly justify what that person did? Someone was out to kill him and in order to protect his family he had to leave without a trace? He was mentally ill? I can't think of much where hearing his side is going to change anything.

Honestly--there doesn't have to be a justification.

There are many people who reunite with a lost biological parent who has been out of their life for so long.

Some people--not their cup of tea. They've been abandoned and that is enough to not reunite.

But for others, it is a sense of longing.

It really isn't for any outsider to judge and condemn something when they are not the daughter nor the father in this situation.

A happy reunion can still occur even if he was a slimeball way back when. You just never know what can happen.

The only thing I hold against her--even if it may not be appropriate, is the secret she kept from her mother.

The only thing I hold against the mom is that she is holding a personal grudge. (she has every right to be upset about this as often in cases like this, the mom feels as though she was protecting the child).

And the only thing I hold against the OP is an effort to make the public choose sides and the fact that he/she has chosen one and has meddled in a situation that truly is a private family matter.

There are no "winners" here and the situation will just continue to get worse as long as folks believe this is a competition to win.

ETA: I have had issues with my father and step-mother my whole life and in efforts of me (allbeit uncomfortably) to put those issues aside in efforts to be a grown up, the other side of my family cannot help but be jealous of this and hold it against me. What's funny is--I'm not doing anything super special. I don't reach out or anything. I was never abandoned by them or anything like that though the relationship is tumultuous at times. In fact--I was just told this weekend by a sibling that she, my mother, and my brother were my family "first'. I had to remind her that I existed for 4 years on this planet before she even arrived and then she was pulled out of my life very quickly and I was again and "only" for a year or two except for her occasional visits before my brother arrived on planet earth.

While I do not enjoy my father and step-mother all that much...my children do. So they visit frequently throughout the year (though we never go to their house--so not sure what my sister is jealous of).

In any case--it is amazing how personally people will take things when you in anyway reestablish any kind of relationship with someone that they don't like. It's like they assume it to be wrong b/c it was wrong before, so it must be wrong now.

Hopefully I explained that okay.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Honestly--there doesn't have to be a justification.

There are many people who reunite with a lost biological parent who has been out of their life for so long.

Some people--not their cup of tea. They've been abandoned and that is enough to not reunite.

But for others, it is a sense of longing.

It really isn't for any outsider to judge and condemn something when they are not the daughter nor the father in this situation.

A happy reunion can still occur even if he was a slimeball way back when. You just never know what can happen.

The only thing I hold against her--even if it may not be appropriate, is the secret she kept from her mother.

The only thing I hold against the mom is that she is holding a personal grudge. (she has every right to be upset about this as often in cases like this, the mom feels as though she was protecting the child).

And the only thing I hold against the OP is an effort to make the public choose sides and the fact that he/she has chosen one and has meddled in a situation that truly is a private family matter.

There are no "winners" here and the situation will just continue to get worse as long as folks believe this is a competition to win.

Absolutely. My settings have any post that I reply to automatically subscribing, but I've just removed my subscription to this particular thread.

When I'm in the mood for drama I'll turn on HBO or Showtime let the professionals entertain me. They're much better at it than "reality TV" bulletin boards.

 

[Boxley]

Can someone remind me who the OP is in this matter? Is s/he the daughter in question or the parent?

 

[Kurby]

op is neither - i get the feeling she's either a friend of the daughter or a cousin who received the email send out be mom and dad

i could be wrong