Who To Name as Executor

[marlasmom]

The discussion about mishandling of estates got me to thinking - actually I have worried about this for some time.

Our estate won't be terribly large - but of some significance. I don't have a lawyer I trust, nor do I want to incur fees. I think that my friends - those that I trust - have enough problems that making one of them executor would be a terrible burden for them.

My oldest daughter lives across the street. She is painfully honest and very generous. She is also extremely disorganized with her own finances and I foresee problems if she were executor.

My son is brilliant and is also honest. I am concerned, however, that his wife, while a nice person, is very grasping and I am wondering if she would talk him into an executor's fee which would not be fair to the other two kids.

My younger daughter lives in Cleveland, has two babies (although hopefully when the time comes they'll be older), is a vice-president of a big company and is extremely busy. I'm guessing the job will fall to her.

All 3 kids are very smart (my genes you know). My son and younger daughter have MBAs and the oldest one is an MSN. None of them would be over their heads.

Is there an alternative I haven't thought of?

 

[figment52]

DO you have a friend that would be willing to accept the responsibility. It is often considered best NOT to pick a member of the immediate family. It "keeps the peace" in the family when you do not have someone pitted against their siblings.

 

[minkydog]

Choosing the right executor is extremely important. We opted to choose my husband's sister because she manages her own finances well and has been financially successful. I know she will be fair with the children and will pay the bills. Frankly, I don't mind if she takes her fee--as executor, she'll earn it.

My brother was named executor of my dad's large, convoluted estate mainly because he lives locally. What a mistake He hasn't been horrible, but he hasn't paid bills in a timely manner, didn't take care of the taxes (thank goodness we were tipped off--the $2million property almost went to auction over a $2500 unpaid tax bill.) We have been trying to sell the property for almost 2yrs and my brother has had several "conditions" placed on the sale, namely that he gets a larger cut. I could go on, but suffice to say, my dad's choice of executor has caused hard feelings and a huge family rift. If Dad had only considered that Brother has not business sense and is disorganized about his own property PERHAPS he would have made a different choice. The bank would have been preferable, IMO.

I don't have any advice to give. It sounds like you do have some good choices. Perhaps you might want to consult an attorney to help you do it correctly(that's finally what we did, and I'm so glad.) It might not be as expensive as you think.

 

[MorganLeFey]

if your kids all get along, and you don't think there'll be fighting after you're gone, name one of the kids. I suggest your dd, who lives across the street, because she's more available to deal with the day to day transactions.

 

[clh2]

What would be wrong with your DIL convincing your son to take an "executor's fee"?

Being an executor can be very, very time consuming, and the person selected should be allowed compensation.

My FIL who passed away many years ago, named one of his sons as executor. My BIL was very proper about not taking an executor fee, sold the house without a realtor, and handled anything that needed attention with the will. All the other siblings (7 other siblings) along with all spouses thought that BIL was entitled to a fee for all his running around/hard work. So, all siblings contributed to a really nice monetary gift the following Christmas.

 

[DVCLiz]

My parents chose their attorney for this very reason. Neither my brother nor I had the experience to handle the estate (even though we were 40 years old and both had professional degrees), and having a "stranger" handle the details took all of the emotion out of many decisions that otherwise would have led to friction. Please find a good estate planning attorney or trust department at a bank and develop a relationship - I think it's really a smart move.

 

[agnes!]

To the OP -

If you had ever been an executor, you would know that any "executor fees" are usually well-earned. It is *never* an easy job & can cause hard feelings between survivors. If, however, you are just not comfortable naming that particular family member as executor, *don't*. It's your money, set it up the way you want. If you *don't* and die intestate(without a will or an estate plan), the government certainly *will* and probate can be just AWFUL.

agnes!

 

[LadyZolt]

One other point -- the "executor fees" are set up in your state's Probate Law. You can look it up yourself and see what they will be. The executor is entitled to these fees, along with reimbursement of any out-of-pocket expenses, which he/she will have to detail to interested parties. So if your concern is your DIL having your DS take too much, it may ease your mind to know that the amount he is entitled to is written into the law, so she won't be able to abuse it and take more than that.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt) (who served as Personal Reprsentative for three estates so far and does not want to do it again!)

 

[disneymom3]

Can you not specify an executor's fee? My mom passed away in Feb and my oldest sis was executor. She has done a ton of work and all the rest of us got together and decided to take a portion of our inheritances and get her a nice card with some cash in it and told her we wanted her to spend it on something for herself with our appreciation. She has done just a ton of work and we all were glad we weren't doing it and very happy to give her something extra because of it. My mom and dad just wouldn't have thought of providing an extra fee for her, but we all felt she had done a lot more than the rest of us.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Obviously this is now something DH and I need to seriously think about. DS is our only child, so he will be the sole beneficiary. But if we die while he is still a minor (or even when he is college age) he will need someone to work out the details, pay any debts, taxes, and so forth. I am calling my attorney tomorrow anyway. I will add this to my list of questions.

We also need to name a guardian for him. We need to appoint an agent for disposition of remains for DH because he doesn't have any living relatives. If DH and I die at the same time and DS is a minor then someone needs to be allowed to make DH's burial arrangements. My cousin and her husband are the best candidates for guardians. My cousin is an attorney. I need to ask her what roles she would be comfortable assuming, and work out who we need to have in place to fill the roles she can't. Having her be the executor AND the guardian might be a conflict of interest.

I can say with absolute certainty that DH & I will be getting our affairs in order sooner rather than later. After Mother dies the next of kin if DS is a minor is my money grubbing sister. NO WAY is she getting her hands on my money, my child, or anything else that belongs to me.

 

[froglady]

I discussed this with my SIL (an attorney) as I'm executor of DM's estate. Basically, I'm ENTITLED to an executor's fee, and no other heirs can stop me from taking it. However, I don't HAVE to take it...the choice is mine alone.

Since DM's estate will be very simple (if she even has any money left when she dies) so I will make the decision when the time comes.

 

[miss missy]

This is too funny. Mom told me she made me executor with my brother too. She will have nothing left so I am not worried. I told her keep her will in order cuz I aint fighting no one!

Now Dad (divorced 40 year from Mom) asked me to be his ok, here we have his live in 40 years and a son (whom is the type to cause MAJOR trouble) plus my 3 sibs he had with Mom. He is so torn and doesn't know how he is gonna do it. I told him, just have the will done and I am sure the lawyer will now how to handle it and has seen it all before I dunno, but why with all the kids do they both come to me I am sure this will be far from fun for me

 

[miss missy]

One other point -- the "executor fees" are set up in your state's Probate Law. You can look it up yourself and see what they will be. The executor is entitled to these fees, along with reimbursement of any out-of-pocket expenses, which he/she will have to detail to interested parties. So if your concern is your DIL having your DS take too much, it may ease your mind to know that the amount he is entitled to is written into the law, so she won't be able to abuse it and take more than that.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt) (who served as Personal Reprsentative for three estates so far and does not want to do it again!)

Hey Dorothy the expert, I am calling you for advise when the time comes

 

[LadyZolt]

Hey Dorothy the expert, I am calling you for advise when the time comes

LOL!! Miss Missy, your father's situation sounds like it will be quite messy! Count me out! And if you can, count yourself out, too. <hee hee>

Seriously, though -- even if someone appoints you as Personal Rep (Executrix, whatever the term in your state), you can always tell the court, "Thanks, but no thanks" and they will appoint someone to do it. This could be an attorney, a bank manager, or if someone petitions the court and wants to do it, the court may appoint them. With your dad having a "live in" for 40 years, the argument could be made that they acted as husband and wife. (Why don't they marry, by the way? That's a long time to be together -- you'd think they'd realize soon that they might actually stay together. LOL!) If they jointly own property, and he dies first, she will probably get it, and then it would pass to her son without your family getting anything, even if your dad has a will. You're right -- this could be quite messy!

But I do think it says something that both of them asked you to care for their estates. It means that they trust you and believe that you will do the right thing in following their requests. You should be proud that both of them view you this way. You must be a wonderful daughter to both.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[miss missy]

LOL!! Miss Missy, your father's situation sounds like it will be quite messy! Count me out! And if you can, count yourself out, too. <hee hee>

Seriously, though -- even if someone appoints you as Personal Rep (Executrix, whatever the term in your state), you can always tell the court, "Thanks, but no thanks" and they will appoint someone to do it. This could be an attorney, a bank manager, or if someone petitions the court and wants to do it, the court may appoint them. With your dad having a "live in" for 40 years, the argument could be made that they acted as husband and wife. (Why don't they marry, by the way? That's a long time to be together -- you'd think they'd realize soon that they might actually stay together. LOL!) If they jointly own property, and he dies first, she will probably get it, and then it would pass to her son without your family getting anything, even if your dad has a will. You're right -- this could be quite messy!

But I do think it says something that both of them asked you to care for their estates. It means that they trust you and believe that you will do the right thing in following their requests. You should be proud that both of them view you this way. You must be a wonderful daughter to both.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

Awe thanks!

Dad say "I never make the same mistake twice" LOL so no marriage, but I know they both realize its just the same legally. I think she should get the house even tho its in his name and he paid it... for all those years I consider it hers. If her son gets it after... thats fine. I dont care about that. He is different anyway and his Mom takes messed him up by taking care of him finanically even at 38 yrs old, he just doesn't have that work and take care of yourself attitude. She also doesnt leave the house but for work and has plenty of cash herself. Her and Dad always kept their money seperate whatever!

Dad says he body won't be cold before son moves back in to have Mommy take care of him and that is sooo right on.

Messy for sure!

What scares me as son used Dad's CC recently and although it is clear he did it, Dad doesn't want to believe it. I didn't push, but I did let db know someone ripped off Dad and if I could find out who did, I'de kick their @##, figured play dumb but let him know I am on to it. I just feel disaster looming if all isn't in perfect order!

edit to add forget that worry, she is already on as owner, checked town site, so thats that.

 

[miss missy]

The discussion about mishandling of estates got me to thinking - actually I have worried about this for some time.

Our estate won't be terribly large - but of some significance. I don't have a lawyer I trust, nor do I want to incur fees. I think that my friends - those that I trust - have enough problems that making one of them executor would be a terrible burden for them.

My oldest daughter lives across the street. She is painfully honest and very generous. She is also extremely disorganized with her own finances and I foresee problems if she were executor.

My son is brilliant and is also honest. I am concerned, however, that his wife, while a nice person, is very grasping and I am wondering if she would talk him into an executor's fee which would not be fair to the other two kids.

My younger daughter lives in Cleveland, has two babies (although hopefully when the time comes they'll be older), is a vice-president of a big company and is extremely busy. I'm guessing the job will fall to her.

All 3 kids are very smart (my genes you know). My son and younger daughter have MBAs and the oldest one is an MSN. None of them would be over their heads.

Is there an alternative I haven't thought of?

Sorry if I stole ur thread... just though misery loves company!

Thanks for making me think too. I gotta get this in order too!

 

[annegal]

What would be wrong with your DIL convincing your son to take an "executor's fee"?

Being an executor can be very, very time consuming, and the person selected should be allowed compensation.

I agree. This person sometimes must clean out the house to prepare it for sale , hire lawn maintenance, repair people,which can be a very big burden.

 

[marlasmom]

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't thinking about closing up the house. That would be a terrible chore although my dd might want to sell her house and buy this one.

OTOH I don't really want one of my kids to benefit more than the other two from our death. My son did tell me he is counting on enough money to buy a really nice tv set.

I went through hell trying to name a guardian for my kids. This isn't quite as bad.

 

[offwegotoneverland]

Why don't you pre set a fee then?

If you think of all the time being spent and set a reasonable $ per hour on it you should be able to come up with something.

Figure out how much movers would bill for the time spent (ie so many hours) assume that person would need to be there, time spent at banks (longer thank you think it might be but at least as long as two to three hours).

Time spent on phone with utilites (so say 20 minutes per bill to change address or cancel on).

Then add a few hours for all the other "stuff" and come up with a dollar figure that way.

Really the only other way to make it fair and square is to make them all ex. and all of them have to do the work then.

My brother gave me that plum job and said whatever I need to take to make up for my time is well worth him not doing it!

 

[marlasmom]

Wow you have given me a lot to think about. My original thought was that I did not want to make it so one kid would inherit more than the others and that by making one executor that one would get more. They all get along well, but they are widely separated geographically. I know the girls would not dream of being paid for their time, but I'm not so sure about my DIL and her influence on my son. The thought also occurs to me that by naming one of them, the others might have hurt feelings.

When my dad died my sister, who had not called or written him in months, flew to Florida for the funeral, demanded to be taken sight-seeing, raided his stuff and appropriated his dinner jacket and a couple of watches for her sons and then hired a lawyer to dispute the will. He would have been so hurt.