Who pays when going out for dinner as couples/families?

[BLAZEY]

I assume if I invite someone to dinner I will be paying for it. I will also pay if we are staying with friends and we go out. Their hospitality is saving me hotel $$$ and I am glad to pay for a meal out. If we are out with a large group we just let the server know before ordering that DH & I are on a bill together.

 

[Disney Doll]

In my circle of friends if someone makes a call to get together at a restaurant we don’t consider that “inviting” us. It’s more like arranging the evening. So we split the bill equally among the # of diners, since we all pretty much eat and drink the same. If someone were to eat/drink significantly less, we’d adjust their portion. No reason for someone to pay for my steak and wine if they had a salad and water.

If we want to treat someone to dinner, we tend to say “we’d like to treat you to dinner” so they know it’s our treat.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Everyone pays in this situation, the question is how: 1) Itemized by person, 2) Even split, 3) the "every other" method (meaning one couple gets this meal, and the other gets the next).

 

[anniemae]

That is strange they expected you to pay. I would never assume that. If someone asked me to dinner, I would think that I am paying my own way, unless the person inviting says something like, "I'd like to take you out for your birthday" or "Lets go out to dinner, my treat"

Otherwise, I would think I was paying my own way.

 

[paisleys]

That is strange they expected you to pay. I would never assume that. If someone asked me to dinner, I would think that I am paying my own way, unless the person inviting says something like, "I'd like to take you out for your birthday" or "Lets go out to dinner, my treat"

Otherwise, I would think I was paying my own way.

This. I think it's terrible they just sat there and expected you to pay. Even for an obvious treat I still pull out my wallet just in case.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

This came up because DH called up his DF(friend, not father, sorry!) and wife, and said to them, "We're going out for supper, do you want to come?" The waitress never asked how we wanted our checks, just brought out one. Neither of them offered to pay their portion, or even just the tip. (We are similar ages and income levels, if that makes a difference.)

So does inviting someone out imply "our treat"? The few times in the past that we've treated and not gone dutch with another couple, we've told them when inviting them, "We'd like you to come out to dinner, our treat". (Usually celebrating a birthday, or whatever.)

Maybe we need to start saying "dutch treat" at time of inviting (would sure hate to ask for separate checks at the end of the meal and have them be startled, maybe not have brought money, even).

I don't mind paying sometimes, but not always, and I'd prefer to know in advance, so I can adjust the weekly budget, maybe even what *I* order....

Terri

I can't believe your friends just sat there and let you pay without offering to split the bill. They sound like shameless mooches.

 

[ilovevacation]

Agreed! You were simply organizing the event. If they are good friends and you intend to go out with them again i would announce to the waitress when taking orders that you and dh are on one check. I've started doing this when we go out with my in laws and my parents unless we are going out for a celebration when I would say that I'm treating everyone. I feel lime the separate check strategy relieves some of the stress at the end.

 

[mom2rtk]

I can't believe your friends just sat there and let you pay without offering to split the bill. They sound like shameless mooches.

Totally agree!

I hope they reciprocate and pick up the tab when they do!

 

[DisneyHardin]

As I started reading this thread, I was thinking "It was irresponsible on the servers part to not ask", but then as I read further, I realized that the server asking must be a regional thing. Around here (Louisville, KY), the server will ALWAYS ask something along the lines of "How am I splitting the checks?". Recently a friend posted on Facebook that he took his 16 year old son out to dinner and the server asked if they needed separate checks .

I don't know if there is a way you could phrase it to the friends that it is implied that you are just having a dinner together and not "taking them out" to dinner. Maybe something along the lines of "We are going to dinner Saturday night and XX Restaurant, would you all like to meet us there?"

When the server just brought one check, I would have probably just said to him/her "I'm so sorry we didn't mention it earlier, but we are separate checks."

 

[soccerdad72]

With other couples, we usually just throw in a credit card for each couple and the waiter will split the check.

With family, we always seem to end up paying. Occasionally, my MIL might pay, but most of the time it's us (then again, there's 4 of us and one MIL).

 

[Darcy03231]

If I call someone up and invite them to dinner, I'm paying.

If we're somewhere in a group and it's a group decision to go out to dinner, when the waitress comes to take my order I ask for a separate check.

 

[katie01]

That is strange they expected you to pay. I would never assume that. If someone asked me to dinner, I would think that I am paying my own way, unless the person inviting says something like, "I'd like to take you out for your birthday" or "Lets go out to dinner, my treat"

Otherwise, I would think I was paying my own way.

I agree with this. To me an invitation to meet up or hang out with friends does not imply they are paying for it, the same way it would be if they said, "hey lets go to a movie together", or "want to go to a concert together?" or "would you like to take a vacation together?" In none of those scenarios would I assume the other person is paying, unless it was specifically said that they wanted to treat.

 

[mjkacmom]

First reply posted

 

[poohfriend77]

Years ago, we went out to dinner with the same family pretty much weekly, usually to the same place, and our “shares” were pretty equal. We alternated who paid, and that worked out well. And I do have several friends who treat for each other’s birthday meals (3 women splitting the bill to pay for the 4th woman’s birthday lunch; it’s not couples or families going out).

But we usually do separate checks (it’s almost always offered by the server) when we go out with other couples/families. Our kids do travel sports, so our meals out are usually related to those events. It’s not us specifically inviting another couple out for dinner, but more a bunch of hungry people saying “where are we going after the game?” We might chip in for the kids to share a pizza or something, but no one ever expects anyone else to “treat.”

 

[DisneyHardin]

Here waitresses don’t ask about splitting the check, because it’s rare to have separate checks. I’ve been in situations where groups get separate checks, I actually love it (can order whatever I want), but I think most people I know would be confused (because it’s not a thing here).

The OP’s situation is common, except for the part of them not chipping in. Even when a group takes someone out for a personal celebration (birthday, moving), that person always offers to pay their share, while everyone says to put the money away.

It's so interesting in a discussion board like this, where people are from all different parts of the US and even other countries that you learn that things you thought were totally commonplace and actually very regional.

 

[RangerPooh]

When we go out with others we split the check. Occasionally we'll pick up the full tab for both parties, but it should never be assumed.

 

[gmar1210]

If I call someone up and invite them to dinner, I'm paying.

If we're somewhere in a group and it's a group decision to go out to dinner, when the waitress comes to take my order I ask for a separate check.

Exactly. If you invite your parents/brother/sister out, then you treat. No need to mention it when inviting them by saying "my treat." When the bill comes, just mention you are treating since they are your guest. Now if you call up a friend/family member and say "Let's meet up to grab something to eat" or something along those lines, then it's assumed that everyone pays their own way. If someone insists on paying for you, at least offer to pay the tip/parking. It all comes down to tohe invite.

 

[ronandannette]

Good question. I wish people would just write words.


We had a couple ask us to join them for dinner at a nice place. My Wife and I went all out with appetizers, drinks and pricey entrees. We just thought we would treat ourselves. When the check came our friends took it and said that had been the plan since they asked us. We really had no idea!

This happened at Christmas time between us a couple who are good friends of ours. They were apparently in a very festive mood because they also went all out with 3 courses each, several drinks and 1/2 the bottle of champagne we ordered for the table. Although we were the ones who invited them, I have to assume they thought they would be paying their part of the bill. DH took it as we’d had planned to all along and it wasn’t the end of the world. We’re going out with them again this Friday and they invited, specifically saying “we owe you dinner”. Fair enough!

 

[undertheradar]

There are so many variables involved in this. Much depends upon the relationship the friends have, the frequency that they dine together, and most importantly, the wording of the invite. Asking would you like to go to dinner is much different than would you like to meet us for dinner.

 

[lovin'fl]

As I started reading this thread, I was thinking "It was irresponsible on the servers part to not ask", but then as I read further, I realized that the server asking must be a regional thing. Around here (Louisville, KY), the server will ALWAYS ask something along the lines of "How am I splitting the checks?". Recently a friend posted on Facebook that he took his 16 year old son out to dinner and the server asked if they needed separate checks .

I don't know if there is a way you could phrase it to the friends that it is implied that you are just having a dinner together and not "taking them out" to dinner. Maybe something along the lines of "We are going to dinner Saturday night and XX Restaurant, would you all like to meet us there?"

When the server just brought one check, I would have probably just said to him/her "I'm so sorry we didn't mention it earlier, but we are separate checks."

Here in NC they ask if separate checks. One did recently ask when with our college kids and when I was shocked the server told me that there are a number of parents who have their kids pay, not a lot but it happens. Odd.

When we lived in MD, they never asked if separate checks. My DDs were on a competitive team, playing in the northeast, and we ate out as a team frequently and what a hassle that was to pay...14+ different break ups of one tab. We'd ask the server at the beginning and would say we could tell our DD's jersey number when ordering and that's how the server could separate. Most servers couldn't handle that but the good ones did. We had two sets of twins on the team so that also complicated the 'go by jersey number'.