Who is wrong?

[luvsJack]

It would have been nice for your mom to call, but it doesn't sound like she will be changing her ways anytime soon. This is easily solved in the future. Hire a babysitter and have the sitter bring dd to the game and you meet them there.

You are completely correct. She will not be changing anytime soon. I remember my dad getting so mad about her getting like this and him not knowing what the heck he had done to cause it.

Apparently right now I am not the person she wants to be around so I will stay on my side of the hill. Sis says that is why sometimes when I call and ask her if she has talked to mom she says "not for a few days", those days are when she is not the person mom wants to be around.

 

[gawrsh2008]

Whoa. Intereting reply.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I remember my dad getting so mad about her getting like this and him not knowing what the heck he had done to cause it.

WOW.... just wow.... talk about red flags.....

Do not continue to keep your daughter in this situation.
My worst concerns about your situation have now been confirmed.

And, again, I feel so sorry that your son and your precious grandbaby are there.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My mom is driving me crazy!!! But, maybe its just me and I am letting things bother me that shouldn't--tell me if you think so.

A little background info: Me, my mom and my sister all live close to each other. My sister has 4 grandchildren that she picks up from school and keeps in the afternoons. She also picks up dd on some days and either takes her to my moms or to her house until I get there. (dd gets out of school at 3:20 3 days a week and 1:20 one day, I get off at 4:00 so its less than an hour every day but one)

DD plays on a city league softball team and has to be at the field at 5:00 on game day and sometimes for practice.

I work nearby and get off at 4:00. By the time I drive home, get dd and take her home to get dressed we are barely making it at 5 and that's if we don't get behind any slow drivers.

So, on Monday I take all of dd's softball equipment and her uniform down to my mom's (on Mondays dsis drops dd off at mom's) and ask if there is any problem with dd being ready to go when I get there. I didn't think to ask if she would be there because she always is on Mondays.

Around 3 or 3:30 I call my mom's to ask her to remind dd to get everything done. She is at the grocery store with ds and dil (they live with my mom and buy the groceries for the house), she says dsis is going to keep dd until I get there. I didn't think anything of it at the time but when I get home at 4:20 and go to dsis's house and no one is there. So I call mom back and say "where is she keeping dd?" Then I am told that dd had to go with her to drop the other kids off at their activities. Its across town and there is no way to get dd back to get ready and at the field by 5. I was LIVID!

I wasn't mad at my sister, at my mom. She was the one who decided they had to go to the grocery store at that time on that day and didn't bother to tell me. When I ask why she didn't tell me, her answer is "I didn't know that at my age I had to ask permission to go somewhere". you don't, but I need to know where my child is.

I am not saying that anyone needed to ask my permission to go anywhere, but if someone had told me what was going on, I would have asked that they just drop dd off at my work (which was on the way for either one of them) but every time I try to make that point to my mom, she says "I don't have to ask your permission to do anything" Then she laughs and says I shouldn't expect so much and if I try to say "can you just tell me" she says she doesn't want to talk about it.

I am so frustrated about the whole thing because if dd is not there on time she has to run laps and that seems very unfair to her if she is late because of her grandmother. But mom won't even listen to that part of it. I think it makes me even madder to remember that she is the very one that would have raised HECK with me if ds had been late to his ballgame or practice and had to run laps.

Some may say that maybe she is getting tired of watching dd for me, I have thought of that. Its actually only two days a week that dd goes there unless something different is going on with dsis's grandkids and one of those days is a long afternoon and dd watches dgd for mom (my mother keeps dgd for ds while they work). Besides, I have thought that before and tried to make other arrangements but she gets all upset about that and doesn't want her to go anywhere else. When its not ball season, I have offered to let dd start riding the bus and then she won't get home until I do, mother throws a fit.

Maybe keeping dgd is getting to be too much and she is taking it out on me? Thought of that. I have offered to help ds and dil pay for child care (there is a really good center close by) at least a couple of days a week. She hits the roof!! (which I find crazy, since we ran a center for 12 years and can spot quality care from a mile away).

So right now I am just not talking to her at all (she seems to want to keep bringing the situation up and finding it all very amusing).

So my question is, was I really being unreasonable? Please, understand, its not really about softball so much. Its about my mother acting like its not important and not even listening to me when I try to say "here, this is how we can avoid this problem"

Let me get this right. Your DS and his wife live with your mother and buy all the groceries for her.

You offered to pay for their daycare. Was this so your daughter could still be with your mother?

If you are going to pay for daycare, why not just pay for afterschool care for your DD?

Seems weird that you would pay for somebody else's daycare, but not your own. That seems a bit selfish.

Your sister and your mother are doing you a favor. If you don't like their terms, find a daycare center that has regular hours.

 

[luvsJack]

Let me get this right. Your DS and his wife live with your mother and buy all the groceries for her.

You offered to pay for their daycare. Was this so your daughter could still be with your mother?

If you are going to pay for daycare, why not just pay for afterschool care for your DD?

Seems weird that you would pay for somebody else's daycare, but not your own. That seems a bit selfish.

Your sister and your mother are doing you a favor. If you don't like their terms, find a daycare center that has regular hours.

No I did not offer to pay for child care for dgd so that my daughter could still stay with my mother. Why would I pay $110 per week rather than $60?
That doesn't make a lot of sense.

There is no problem with my sister. She just got caught in the cross fire of all this (and has agreed from now on to either be the one to call or to make sure dd calls) DD was staying with my sister before and can still stay with my sister. I addressed that later. Besides, I am fixing a lot of it so that she won't be staying much in either place.

I don't have an issue with their terms. I have an issue with my mother not bothering to let me know she would not be home that afternoon for dd to come there (she knew all this in the am when i stopped by)

Mother keeps dgd during the day and I was concerned about it being too much for her and said that I would help them pay child care for at least part of the week (am willing to do all week). She shot me down.

The reason I have never put dd in afterschool care is that because of the timing I would be paying for a bus ride. She doesn't get out of school until 3:20. By the time the bell rings, the kids get out and load in the buses (center has a van) and leave its at least 3:40-3:45. The center is 30 minutes away which makes them get to the center about 4:15. I would leave work at 4 and be there by 4:05, as it is closer to me than to the school. So I would pay the center for waiting in their parking lot for 10 minutes. This is the only center that goes up in age enough for dd to go to. Within another year she will, hopefully, be comfortable enough to stay by herself. I don't have a problem with her staying at home by herself but dd does so I am waiting for her to feel ok with it.

If it gets to the point that I have no other choice, I can always put her on the regular school bus in the afternoons. Right now I am trying to avoid that.

Actually between softball, show choir (if she makes it, try outs today!) and tutoring, I don't think we will have to worry about it anymore this year. This summer isn't going to be much of a problem either. We are looking at a couple of day camps, at least one overnight camp and she can spend some time staying with my mil too.

 

[Carly_Roach]

UPDATE:

After softball practice this evening, dd and I stopped by my mom's house to see dgd for a second. We walked in the house talking kind of excitedly about practice and some of the stuff that went on--not mad about a thing, just laughing and discussing it. Mother was in the kitchen as we walked in.

Mom looks at us and says, "here you two come again, fussing about something." I told her, "we weren't fussing about anything, we were just talking about practice". She turned her back on us and you could have cut the tension with a knife.

I walked on into the house and into the room with dil and dgd playing on the floor and said hello to them. Held and kissed the baby and talked to dil for a minute or two. And then told dil that we had to go so that dd could do her homework and practice her song for show choir tryouts tomorrow.

As we were walking out, I asked mom if she had talked to my sister that day. "Yes, she just left" So I asked if anything was said about dd and tomorrow (sis is picking her up and taking her with her to pick up her grandkids from school and then bringing her by my office, as I will be in a meeting during the time dd gets out of school tomorrow). "I don't remember, I don't know why you didn't call her". I told her that I had not been able to make a phone call all day as we were very busy with students and that I planned to when I got home. "oh, I forgot you are sooo busy" and then laughed.

When I called my sister I found out that when she was at my mom's house they had made plans for mom's birthday (this weekend) and going out to eat after church. Mom never mentioned it. So we will see how it goes. If she makes me feel as welcome going out to eat with them as she did in her house tonight, I won't be going. And the reason she and my sister made the plans and not me and my sister is because you can't do that with my mom. If she is not consulted from the beginning, she won't go along with whatever it is. The last I was told we were going to see if she wanted to have a cook out at my nieces house.

So, I will not be calling her or going to her house until whatever her issue is has passed. I have already made sure that dd won't need to go there for at least the next two weeks.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to be making other plans for your daughter on game and practice nights. It leads into my next bit of advice for you after reading this whole diatribe. There are three words you need to learn:

Not your drama.

It's obvious that your mother is playing the star in her own melodrama and everyone else is cast as supporting members. What tipped me off was the whole, "And then she said....so I said...then my sister said" banter repeated above. It's a huge red flag that tells me people are repeating their lines in this play.

Some people are into that. They say the don't like it, but in actuality they truly enjoy the drama that goes on in their lives. In some ways it makes them the stars of their OWN melodrama when they repeat what happened to other people.

So if you really want this kind of inconvenience to stop in your life, you need to put an end to the drama that's affecting you.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm glad to hear that you are going to be making other plans for your daughter on game and practice nights. It leads into my next bit of advice for you after reading this whole diatribe. There are three words you need to learn:

Not your drama.

It's obvious that your mother is playing the star in her own melodrama and everyone else is cast as supporting members. What tipped me off was the whole, "And then she said....so I said...then my sister said" banter repeated above. It's a huge red flag that tells me people are repeating their lines in this play.

Some people are into that. They say the don't like it, but in actuality they truly enjoy the drama that goes on in their lives. In some ways it makes them the stars of their OWN melodrama when they repeat what happened to other people.

So if you really want this kind of inconvenience to stop in your life, you need to put an end to the drama that's affecting you.

Drama makes me very anxious and emotional and I would rather not be around it. I have repeatedly told one of my dil's (not the one here) to "cut the drama and lets figure out the problem". She has finally learned that although drama is the name of the game with her own family, it doesn't work too well with me--just telling me what the problem is and lets figure out a way to fix it works much better.

I wish I could understand why mother has chosen to act this way right now but I guess I will never know. Sometimes she gets really hard to get along with when its around the anniversaries of my father's and brother's deaths but that's not the case now. And she has never made me feel so unwelcome in her home. I have to admit it is a bit painful, I mean, she is my mother.

I will be staying away, at least until her mood changes.

 

[wdwfan16]

Around 3 or 3:30 I call my mom's to ask her to remind dd to get everything done. She is at the grocery store with ds and dil (they live with my mom and buy the groceries for the house), she says dsis is going to keep dd until I get there. I didn't think anything of it at the time but when I get home at 4:20 and go to dsis's house and no one is there. So I call mom back and say "where is she keeping dd?" Then I am told that dd had to go with her to drop the other kids off at their activities. Its across town and there is no way to get dd back to get ready and at the field by 5. I was LIVID!

I wasn't mad at my sister, at my mom. She was the one who decided they had to go to the grocery store at that time on that day and didn't bother to tell me. When I ask why she didn't tell me, her answer is "I didn't know that at my age I had to ask permission to go somewhere". you don't, but I need to know where my child is.

But ultimately your mother is doing you a favor, so you really have no right to complain.

It does sound like your family is taking advantage of her. Let her be a grandmother, not a caregiver. I agree with the others that are saying it's probably time to make other arrangements.

ITA

I am not sure why you feel my son plays such a big part in this.

See above. He and your DIL took your Mom shopping. He could have waited until you picked up your DD or your DS could have called you. I have notice that it is never any of your kids faults. You don't see other son very often - DIL's fault. Your daughter is not ready - your Mother's fault. Your DS takes your mother shopping and your DD is late - your Mother's fault. It is time for everybody to put on their big boy/girl pants and pay their own way. Too much taking advantage of Grandma.

She does what she is doing BY HER CHOICE. She does keep dgd, while her mom and dad work; but they never asked her to; never expected her to. They had other arrangements but she wouldn't have it, I have offered other arrangements, she gets very angry. And they have others watch her as much as possible with mom griping and grumbling about it the whole time. I don't see how they are taking advantage of her if she is the one insisting on it. And again, they pay bills and take care of the house and the yard for living there. She ASKED them to move in with her to help with the work and the bills and to give her company.

As for dd, she is there for 40 minutes on one day and 3 hours on another day each week. She used to stay with my sister and her grandkids but mom asked for dd to come to her house on the long day each week so that she could go with her to the store and stuff like that (mom doesn't like to go by herself).

I am making other arrangements because its not worth the stress for me, but I will not say that we are taking advantage of my mother. I have never asked her to keep dd for anything other than that little bit of time after school and didn't actually ask her to do that. She wanted dd to be there so she just called dsis and told her to bring her there, I wasn't exactly consulted in the matter. And once again, I didn't ask her to do anything this time--just a flipping phone call.

As I said in a pp, maybe it is different in my family but we tend to just think of the kids as all our responsibility and we all work it out together. I do as much as the other family members in keeping any and all of the kids and transporting any and all of them.

Maybe she does to prevent you and your sister's families from pulling the "I am not talking to you now" crap. You did it over softball.


I know families like yours. It always ends in spats like you just had and will have again. Distance is good for families.

UPDATE:

After softball practice this evening, dd and I stopped by my mom's house to see dgd for a second. We walked in the house talking kind of excitedly about practice and some of the stuff that went on--not mad about a thing, just laughing and discussing it. Mother was in the kitchen as we walked in.

Mom looks at us and says, "here you two come again, fussing about something." I told her, "we weren't fussing about anything, we were just talking about practice". She turned her back on us and you could have cut the tension with a knife.

Maybe a "Hi Mom" when you just walked into her house would have been nice. You cannot barge into anybodies home just because you are related to them or to see your DGD.

I walked on into the house and into the room with dil and dgd playing on the floor and said hello to them. Held and kissed the baby and talked to dil for a minute or two. And then told dil that we had to go so that dd could do her homework and practice her song for show choir tryouts tomorrow.

Again you snubbed your mother. Nice.

As we were walking out, I asked mom if she had talked to my sister that day. "Yes, she just left" So I asked if anything was said about dd and tomorrow (sis is picking her up and taking her with her to pick up her grandkids from school and then bringing her by my office, as I will be in a meeting during the time dd gets out of school tomorrow). "I don't remember, I don't know why you didn't call her". I told her that I had not been able to make a phone call all day as we were very busy with students and that I planned to when I got home. "oh, I forgot you are sooo busy" and then laughed.

When I called my sister I found out that when she was at my mom's house they had made plans for mom's birthday (this weekend) and going out to eat after church. Mom never mentioned it. So we will see how it goes. If she makes me feel as welcome going out to eat with them as she did in her house tonight, I won't be going. And the reason she and my sister made the plans and not me and my sister is because you can't do that with my mom. If she is not consulted from the beginning, she won't go along with whatever it is. The last I was told we were going to see if she wanted to have a cook out at my nieces house.

This was just wrong of you to do. You really are a drama queen. You only hate it when it is used against you.

So, I will not be calling her or going to her house until whatever her issue is has passed. I have already made sure that dd won't need to go there for at least the next two weeks.

So it is all her fault. Typical! You played not part in this play?

Drama makes me very anxious and emotional and I would rather not be around it. I have repeatedly told one of my dil's (not the one here) to "cut the drama and lets figure out the problem". She has finally learned that although drama is the name of the game with her own family, it doesn't work too well with me--just telling me what the problem is and lets figure out a way to fix it works much better.

I wish I could understand why mother has chosen to act this way right now but I guess I will never know. Sometimes she gets really hard to get along with when its around the anniversaries of my father's and brother's deaths but that's not the case now. And she has never made me feel so unwelcome in her home. I have to admit it is a bit painful, I mean, she is my mother.

I will be staying away, at least until her mood changes.

So snubbing your mom on her birthday is a mature way to respond?

 

[Wishing on a star]

LuvsJack,

You are completely and totally in the right here.

I am now saying, without reservation, that your mother has some serious issues... Issues that you may not have even been able to identify and realize. And, you know what... at this point, you do not need to be asking 'why' or making excuses for her. You may never fully understand why. What you need to do now is to pull back from this toxic behavior which is hurtful to your DD, to you, to your son, and everybody else in the family.

LuvsJack, If there is one thing that is for sure, on chatboards, especially the DIS, there will be people who will point fingers at you and make it all your fault, because, by god, family is family, and you OWE them.

Unfortunately, you seem to be engaging with these people, trying to 'defend' your situation. Here is a big hint..... JUST DO NOT GO THERE. You do not even owe them a response.

You are on the right track!!!!
Do not, ever again, place your daughter in this situation under your mothers care and influence. Your mother sounds like a master manipulator. She is gonna get it the way SHE wants, and to heck with everybody else. She obviously thinks it is okay to openly treat people with complete disrespect, and uses this as a tool to get what she wants.

I would, never, ever, again, let my daughter get caught up in that.

I feel very sad for you, because you are in a situation where your son and your precious grandbaby are over there, on her property, under her influence. Her mental, inappropriate, toxic behavior is now affecting your ability to interact with your son and grandchild. Your DD is now being affected... your sister... everybody around... She has laid claim. Her claws firmly imbedded...

You are on the right track!!!!

And, I agree....
If your mother is treating you with such hurtful disrespect, NO, you do not owe her the time of day, on her birthday or any other day.

If it works out that you do not see her to celebrate her birthday, then that is your decision, and you do not owe strangers on a chatboard any explanation for that.... None at all.

You know full well that HER birthday is just another masterful opportunity for her to treat you this way and to further her cause.

I am sending hugs and

 

[luvsJack]

ITA





See above. He and your DIL took your Mom shopping. He could have waited until you picked up your DD or your DS could have called you. I have notice that it is never any of your kids faults. You don't see other son very often - DIL's fault. Your daughter is not ready - your Mother's fault. Your DS takes your mother shopping and your DD is late - your Mother's fault. It is time for everybody to put on their big boy/girl pants and pay their own way. Too much taking advantage of Grandma.





Maybe she does to prevent you and your sister's families from pulling the "I am not talking to you now" crap. You did it over softball.


I know families like yours. It always ends in spats like you just had and will have again. Distance is good for families.




Maybe a "Hi Mom" when you just walked into her house would have been nice. You cannot barge into anybodies home just because you are related to them or to see your DGD.



Again you snubbed your mother. Nice.



This was just wrong of you to do. You really are a drama queen. You only hate it when it is used against you.




So it is all her fault. Typical! You played not part in this play?



So snubbing your mom on her birthday is a mature way to respond?

#1 I am not "snubbing" my mother at all. But rather than have my head bit off with that sarcasm dripping from her every word, I choose to keep quiet.

#2 I would have said "hi mom" gladly. We were walking into the house, coming through the door and she spoke up before I had the chance to say anything. (do you actually read anything or do you just jump to conclusions without ANY knowledge?) And if you feel you have to knock on your mom's door that is your problem. I didn't barge in anywhere. The way her house is built, you have to come in the door and go through two rooms before getting to the kitchen. Are you saying I should start yelling "HI MOM!" while going through empty rooms. My daughter and I were enjoying a conversation about softball as we walked in, we stopped talking when we got to the room mother was in. SHE turned HER back on ME and stopped any further conversation. That is why I walked into the room to see my granddaughter, I am not going to stand there like a little kid begging her to give me attention.

#3 My mother is not some little elderly woman that we all tell what to do believe me, we wouldn't think of trying. I can assure you with 100% certainity that my son did not take my mother ANYWHERE. She had already decided that they needed to go grocery shopping that day when I mentioned to her that dd had softball all she had to say is "I won't be here". Just because he pays for it doesn't mean she doesn't decide when they go. I didn't even know he didn't have to go back to work that night. He works double shifts most days during the week. The fact that he was with her at the grocery store has nothing to do with this. She could have told me that morning that she wasn't going to be there and dd would have to go with my sister.

#4 Do you make a habit to be places you do not feel welcome? why should I go spend a good $50 on going out to eat and be made to feel miserable the whole time?

#5 No body pulls the "I am not talking to you crap". She has let me know on the phone and in person that she doesn't really want to talk to me. I don't beg. And I am tired of being hurt.

This isn't even about softball anymore, that is done and over with. It is the way she is choosing to talk to me and treat me now. I do not have to subject myself to that.

Let me tell you something, I came to work yesterday in tears because she bit my head off on the phone (I have called her every morning for a long time, its just me checking on her.) But she let me know in so many words that she really didn't want to talk to me. I went home in tears last night because she made me feel so unwelcome in her house (which has always been considered my home). You have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.

As for my older son and his wife, if you had bothered to read the rest of that thread after your blame game, you would have seen that after a nice long conversation with both my son and my dil it has been settled and everything is fine. And it was EXACTLY what I suspected it to be. So come on down off your high horse.

 

[wdwfan16]

#1 I am not "snubbing" my mother at all. But rather than have my head bit off with that sarcasm dripping from her every word, I choose to keep quiet.

#2 I would have said "hi mom" gladly. We were walking into the house, coming through the door and she spoke up before I had the chance to say anything. (do you actually read anything or do you just jump to conclusions without ANY knowledge?) And if you feel you have to knock on your mom's door that is your problem. I didn't barge in anywhere. The way her house is built, you have to come in the door and go through two rooms before getting to the kitchen. Are you saying I should start yelling "HI MOM!" while going through empty rooms. My daughter and I were enjoying a conversation about softball as we walked in, we stopped talking when we got to the room mother was in. SHE turned HER back on ME and stopped any further conversation. That is why I walked into the room to see my granddaughter, I am not going to stand there like a little kid begging her to give me attention.

#3 My mother is not some little elderly woman that we all tell what to do believe me, we wouldn't think of trying. I can assure you with 100% certainity that my son did not take my mother ANYWHERE. She had already decided that they needed to go grocery shopping that day when I mentioned to her that dd had softball all she had to say is "I won't be here". Just because he pays for it doesn't mean she doesn't decide when they go. I didn't even know he didn't have to go back to work that night. He works double shifts most days during the week. The fact that he was with her at the grocery store has nothing to do with this. She could have told me that morning that she wasn't going to be there and dd would have to go with my sister.

#4 Do you make a habit to be places you do not feel welcome? why should I go spend a good $50 on going out to eat and be made to feel miserable the whole time?

#5 No body pulls the "I am not talking to you crap". She has let me know on the phone and in person that she doesn't really want to talk to me. I don't beg. And I am tired of being hurt.

This isn't even about softball anymore, that is done and over with. It is the way she is choosing to talk to me and treat me now. I do not have to subject myself to that.

Let me tell you something, I came to work yesterday in tears because she bit my head off on the phone (I have called her every morning for a long time, its just me checking on her.) But she let me know in so many words that she really didn't want to talk to me. I went home in tears last night because she made me feel so unwelcome in her house (which has always been considered my home). You have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.

As for my older son and his wife, if you had bothered to read the rest of that thread after your blame game, you would have seen that after a nice long conversation with both my son and my dil it has been settled and everything is fine. And it was EXACTLY what I suspected it to be. So come on down off your high horse.

#1 - You just walked into her house and did not say "Hi mom." You were wrong. Why did you even go after what happened?

#2 - I was brought up that you never walk into any home without knocking or ringing the door bell. If you are family then you can enter and you greet the person who owns the home before just going where you want. I guess we have a very different upbringing.

#3 - Your son and his wife knew you daughter was there and had here softball stuff. Did your DD not speak up that mom is coming to get me? Couldn't your son or DIL stay home with your DD?

#4- I make it a habit of not barging in on others. I would go if I wanted a realtionship with the person whose birthday it is. You snubbing of mom will have an effect on her and your DS/DDIL/DGD's relationship with your mother. Do you really want to start a family fued now?

#5 - Nobody deserves to be treated badly by a family member. According to you your mom is pulling the "I am not talking to you crap". Is this the norm for your family? Stop using your family for help and you will not be in a position for them to keep hurting you. Only you can stop it.


Lets be real, it was never about softball. It was about respect and all adults failed at the respect thing.

Believe me I know families that do this crap and I have seen the damage it does. It is so hard to see the part one plays when you are playing your part. You need to step away and find people and interest outside of the immediate family to get a perspective and then you will see how you did not help the situation.

I did read the rest of the thread. I did not see a fairy tale ending but a possible solution. Only time will tell. You can help it become a fairy tale wedding but not if you think you are always the victim.

 

[luvsJack]

#1 - You just walked into her house and did not say "Hi mom." You were wrong. Why did you even go after what happened? I went to try and put a stop to all of this. I walked into her house and would have stopped in the kitchen to talk to her but she immediatly started in on me. THE FIRST WORDS OUT OF HER MOUTH WERE "THERE YOU TWO ARE FUSSING' I tried to tell her what we were talking about but she turned her back on me and wouldn't speak anymore. She never gave me a chance to speak to her to say hi mom or anything else.

#2 - I was brought up that you never walk into any home without knocking or ringing the door bell. If you are family then you can enter and you greet the person who owns the home before just going where you want. I guess we have a very different upbringing. good for you. in my family we are welcome to walk into each other's homes. Normally I do greet her. But when someone immediately starts in and won't let you talk, its a bit hard to do that. But by all means if you really think I should, I will YELL over her next time to get in that all mighty HI MOM

#3 - Your son and his wife knew you daughter was there and had here softball stuff. Did your DD not speak up that mom is coming to get me? Couldn't your son or DIL stay home with your DD?dd wasn't there. SHE WAS WITH MY SISTER. My mother called my sister and said "you need to take xxx with you, i am going to the grocery store" dd did tell sis that she was supposed to go to the ballpark after she realized she wasn't getting home on time. She thought they would be back in time to meet me at home. At that point there wasn't much that could be done.

#4- I make it a habit of not barging in on others. I would go if I wanted a realtionship with the person whose birthday it is. You snubbing of mom will have an effect on her and your DS/DDIL/DGD's relationship with your mother. Do you really want to start a family fued now?

I will more than likely go, but am really unclear as to why I should be the one taking the snubbing?? which is exactly how i will be treated if her mood doesn't change.

#5 - Nobody deserves to be treated badly by a family member. According to you your mom is pulling the "I am not talking to you crap". Is this the norm for your family? Stop using your family for help and you will not be in a position for them to keep hurting you. Only you can stop it.

Its not the norm for anyone but my mother. My siblings and I get along fine and we are never not speaking. My dd will only stay with my sister from now on so that she can be with her cousins. We all help each other, its just the way we do things in this family.


Lets be real, it was never about softball. It was about respect and all adults failed at the respect thing.

Believe me I know families that do this crap and I have seen the damage it does. It is so hard to see the part one plays when you are playing your part. You need to step away and find people and interest outside of the immediate family to get a perspective and then you will see how you did not help the situation.

I did read the rest of the thread. I did not see a fairy tale ending but a possible solution. Only time will tell. You can help it become a fairy tale wedding but not if you think you are always the victim.

My older son and dil and I have a very good relationship now, thank you. We talk quite a bit (to her and to him) and we talk a lot about their next visit. We are also hoping to plan a big family trip to wdw when dgd gets a little older. Most people do not live a fairy tale and I don't pretend to, but we did work out the problems and my dil now realizes that she is a loved and accepted part of our family.

I am not a victim nor do I try to be. This whole thing started because I said simply to my mother, "you couldn't have let me know?"