Who do you invite to shower/wedding events?

[Belle5]

I will soon be sending out invitations to my oldest son's wedding shower and eventually a late summer wedding.

I am pulling my hair out trying to decide whom it is appropriate to invite to these events!

The wedding will be in another city five hours drive from here in the bride's hometown. My son has not lived here in several years as he has been away studying at a state university. His bride-to-be, of course, has never lived here or met any of my friends. I think because of this I will not have a bridal shower just for her. My son agrees she would be more comfortable if it was more of a couple's wedding shower so that he will be with her to visit with people he hasn't seen in a while and introduce her to them.

Obviously, when he was living here while growing up, there were parents of his friends who were quite fond of him. But...it's been a while! I am not sure if I should go that route...On the other hand, I have good friends that I have made since he left home who really don't know him personally.

If you have any experience with this I really wish you'd share it. My cousin, who has a son the same age as mine, told me that she would be thrilled if one of her son's old friends from high school would remember to invite her to a wedding. She told me that she thinks it's better to be invited and wonder why someone would reach THAT far ---than to offend someone who hears that others were invited but they weren't.

**Please remember, we are not living on Long Island. People here come to a wedding and spend maybe $50. A shower gift might be $25 or $30 (unless you are very close friends or a relative). The reason I mention that is I don't want anyone thinking that it's out of the question to invite people who might feel pressured to pay $350 yet haven't seen someone in years. It's just not that way here...

 

[Darcy03231]

First, the wedding guest list should be done. As far as that goes, it would be up to the couple. I know when I got married the first time the venue would hold 125 people. My ex and I had family and friends that we knew we wanted at our wedding. My parents and his parents were each allowed to pick 30 people they wanted there.

Once you have the wedding guest list in place, you would pick the people for the shower off that. You shouldn't invite someone to the shower that isn't on the wedding guest list. Usually the shower is mostly family and very close friends.

 

[akenneson]

First, the wedding guest list should be done.

Once you have the wedding guest list in place, you would pick the people for the shower off that. You shouldn't invite someone to the shower that isn't on the wedding guest list.

I was going to say exactly this. I am working on my sister's wedding shower right now and I am trying to make sure I go by who is on the list. I was invited to a high school friends wedding shower a couple of years ago, but was not invited to the wedding. she does live out of state down now in NY and I live in Maine. Her sister surprised her with a shower when she came home one weekend. I wish I would have been invited to the wedding because I probably would have tried to go, but I understand the toils of making a wedding guest list. My DH and I and my DBIL and DSIL, we both had Jack n Jill wedding showers which I really enjoyed. But I think you have to definitely do what you think your future daughter in law would be comfortable with. Ask her opinion and/or your son's opinion. where they wanto to do it and who they want to invite.

 

[singleinthe city]

Well etiquette dictates that the MOG should not be hosting a shower, so since it seems you are throwing etiquette out the window then you can invite the whole town if you want. It is however appropriate for the MOG to host an engagement party, which IMHO would be more suited to this situation. This would give the bride and groom a chance to mix and mingle with people they haven't seen in a long time and those who wish the acknowledge the occasion with a gift can do so if they choose.

 

[mjkacmom]

I was invited to a high school friends wedding shower a couple of years ago, but was not invited to the wedding.

That has to be the tackiest thing I've ever heard! OP, how many guests are you allowed to invite to the wedding? I still remember my MIL insisting on inviting a bunch of her friends to our wedding. I think we could only have up to 125 at our venue, so we sucked it up, and left some people off that we wanted to invite. Not only did NONE of her friends come, they RSVP'd at the last minute. Some of these people DH never even met.

 

[kimkoz]

Step 1 for me would be contact the bride and her family and see how many you can invite first. I'm sure they aready have the venue and know an esitmate. Check and see, then you can work with that number. You never know, once they give you a number you may not even have a chance to invite extras.

Family always comes first in my eyes. Mine is so large we had to make a rule, only first cousins. Also check with the bride/groom about children. Make sure you know they are or aren't having an adult reception before you start making your list.

Are the HS friends in the wedding? If so, Yes I'd probably invite thier parents. If they are not I guess you have to go with your gut. How many years is he out of school? What does your son think, give him a tent list and see.

Shower wise - Only invite those who are actually invited to the wedding. I see nothing wrong with MOG having a shower if they are not in the same town. You do not want to take MOB thunder but you said there is a good 5 hours away and guest are not going to always travel for both a shower and wedding. I say, hold your own. If the bride is nervous about not knowing everyone, hold a more relaxed event. Jack and Jill party.

Good luck.

 

[bethy]

I personally agree that immediate family members should not be hosting showers. I know that's the official etiquette rule and it just seems to really make common sense to me . . .

But yes, step one would be to contact the bride and her family (and maybe your son) and figure out how many people you are allowed to invite to the wedding and work your way from there. I'd involve your son in the latter part of that process - see who he wants there and feels closest to, etc.

 

[Belle5]

Yes, throw the "etiquette" thing out the window. Having been on the DIS since 1999 and reading plenty of wedding threads... I have noted that "etiquette" and customs are very regional.

The bride-to-be's parents and DH and I went to the college town where the two of them met and threw them a small engagement party for their closest college friends (most of whom are in the wedding party). This is what they (DS and future DIL) wanted and it was fun. The bride no longer lives in that college town (grad school in the east) but is still very connected there.

I am in no way upstaging the bride's mom as she has no desire to have a shower. They have no relatives in the US and (I hate to say this) according to my future DIL...very few friends at all. If she did, I would drive to her part of the state as she is driving to mine.

I already know how many people we can invite to the wedding. Anyone invited to the shower would be invited to the wedding. I am sure only the closest of friends would actually make a 10 hour round trip drive for it, though, and a shower here would actually allow people to reconnect with my son and meet his future wife...without making the long drive to the wedding.

My MIL threw me a very formal shower back east 26+ years ago. I almost knew no one at that shower. I would love to have had my fiance by my side to help me through that one! What was really strange about the guest list was only about 1/3 of the invitees were friends or relatives. Most were the wives of other corporate execs from my FIL's place of work. AWKWARD! But, this was apparently what they all did for each other. They were all there at the wedding, too!

 

[kimkoz]

Wow, can you be my MIL.. really, mine had no clue.

Go for it, sounds like your side will have more guest then the brides. Go ahead and invite those questionable guests. If your hosting as well, its nice to see your friends too and share the excitement with them. I personally love to be invited to weddings.

Shower in your hometown sounds perfect, and having them both there will be great.

I re read your 1st post too and I agree. I've been offended by not being invited but never offended by being invited.. Odds are many will not travel but its nice to show you care.

 

[Belle5]

Wow, can you be my MIL.. really, mine had no clue.

Go for it, sounds like your side will have more guest then the brides. Go ahead and invite those questionable guests. If your hosting as well, its nice to see your friends too and share the excitement with them. I personally love to be invited to weddings.

Shower in your hometown sounds perfect, and having them both there will be great.

I re read your 1st post too and I agree. I've been offended by not being invited but never offended by being invited.. Odds are many will not travel but its nice to show you care.

Thank you!

I am really just tempted to invite the people who come to mind and let THEM decide not to come.

As I think about all these rules of etiquette...I really think they were made for a different society...one where everyone lived in the same hometown and the bride was going to stay home in cook. In this case, my son will be doing all the cooking...so the cookware, etc. will make him MUCH more excited than it will his fiance!

 

[singleinthe city]

Yes, throw the "etiquette" thing out the window. Having been on the DIS since 1999 and reading plenty of wedding threads... I have noted that "etiquette" and customs are very regional.

Well your tag line says you are in Texas and that is very much the south. I would personally run the idea of MOG hosted shower idea to a few friends. I have friends who are UT Austin grads and they are all "very southern" and would be horrified if their future MIL hosted a shower.

The bride-to-be's parents and DH and I went to the college town where the two of them met and threw them a small engagement party for their closest college friends (most of whom are in the wedding party). This is what they (DS and future DIL) wanted and it was fun. The bride no longer lives in that college town (grad school in the east) but is still very connected there.

Sounds like the engagement party in "college town" was for their friends there and hence another in "hometown" would be a completely different group of people.

I am in no way upstaging the bride's mom as she has no desire to have a shower. They have no relatives in the US and (I hate to say this) according to my future DIL...very few friends at all. If she did, I would drive to her part of the state as she is driving to mine.

Well the MOB shouldn't be hosting a shower either.

Why aren't her bridemaids hosting a shower for her? This is who usually does the shower.

Another option is you could host a hometown cocktail reception for the couple for a time after the wedding. I have been to a few of these and it was quite fun. They had the bride's dress on a dress form and they had all the photos from the wedding on a slide show that was on a loop on one wall. The bride and groom got to mix and mingle and this still got presents.

 

[Belle5]

Well your tag line says you are in Texas and that is very much the south. I would personally run the idea of MOG hosted shower idea to a few friends. I have friends who are UT Austin grads and they are all "very southern" and would be horrified if their future MIL hosted a shower.

Sounds like the engagement party in "college town" was for their friends there and hence another in "hometown" would be a completely different group of people.

Well the MOB shouldn't be hosting a shower either.

Why aren't her bridemaids hosting a shower for her? This is who usually does the shower.

Another option is you could host a hometown cocktail reception for the couple for a time after the wedding. I have been to a few of these and it was quite fun. They had the bride's dress on a dress form and they had all the photos from the wedding on a slide show that was on a loop on one wall. The bride and groom got to mix and mingle and this still got presents.

Yep...have a son at UT Austin and my BF is a UT Austin grad. The shower was supposed to be at her house, but, she will be out of town on the only available date for my future DIL who is going to the other side of the world up until the wedding. She will only be in Texas long enough to see my son graduate. No one in my circles will be horrified at my giving a shower. We also give showers for babies other than first-borns! As far as the bridesmaids...they are all starving students in a college town. Any shower they would give would probably be of a lingerie nature...If I could please put this to rest, I had very specific questions about a guest list. I really did not ask opinions about the appropriateness of my hosting a shower. But I appreciate all the good intentions...

 

[scrapquitler]

Yep...have a son at UT Austin and my BF is a UT Austin grad. The shower was supposed to be at her house, but, she will be out of town on the only available date for my future DIL who is going to the other side of the world up until the wedding. She will only be in Texas long enough to see my son graduate. No one in my circles will be horrified at my giving a shower. We also give showers for babies other than first-borns! As far as the bridesmaids...they are all starving students in a college town. Any shower they would give would probably be of a lingerie nature...If I could please put this to rest, I had very specific questions about a guest list. I really did not ask opinions about the appropriateness of my hosting a shower. But I appreciate all the good intentions...

In my family/friends circle, what we do is we send shower invites to ALL the ladies invited to the wedding.

Sometimes there may be a second shower that includes other people who aren't even invited to the wedding (my grandmother and great aunt had a shower for me and invited all of their little old lady friends who I knew from growing up, even though they weren't at the wedding)...sometimes what is 'normal' in ones social circle doesn't strictly apply to the etiquette books, but no one is offended.

 

[Belle5]

In my family/friends circle, what we do is we send shower invites to ALL the ladies invited to the wedding.

Sometimes there may be a second shower that includes other people who aren't even invited to the wedding (my grandmother and great aunt had a shower for me and invited all of their little old lady friends who I knew from growing up, even though they weren't at the wedding)...sometimes what is 'normal' in ones social circle doesn't strictly apply to the etiquette books, but no one is offended.

I like this idea...just invite anyone we are inviting to the wedding. That makes sense...It kind of goes with what my "gut" has been telling me...

 

[robsmom]

Well your tag line says you are in Texas and that is very much the south. I would personally run the idea of MOG hosted shower idea to a few friends. I have friends who are UT Austin grads and they are all "very southern" and would be horrified if their future MIL hosted a shower.

Sounds like the engagement party in "college town" was for their friends there and hence another in "hometown" would be a completely different group of people.

Well the MOB shouldn't be hosting a shower either.

Why aren't her bridemaids hosting a shower for her? This is who usually does the shower.

Another option is you could host a hometown cocktail reception for the couple for a time after the wedding. I have been to a few of these and it was quite fun. They had the bride's dress on a dress form and they had all the photos from the wedding on a slide show that was on a loop on one wall. The bride and groom got to mix and mingle and this still got presents.

MOG having a shower would be "horrifying" but putting the wedding dress on a stand and having a party that "still got presents" is OK. I Show me where Emily Post thinks the second option is really better. This is 2011, the couple who is marrying live in different locations and have family all over the world. I think it is lovely that the OP wants to do something for her future DIL and for her son.

 

[singleinthe city]

MOG having a shower would be "horrifying" but putting the wedding dress on a stand and having a party that "still got presents" is OK. I Show me where Emily Post thinks the second option is really better. This is 2011, the couple who is marrying live in different locations and have family all over the world. I think it is lovely that the OP wants to do something for her future DIL and for her son.

I never said etiquette was logical.

The key difference between the two parties is that a shower is specifically to "shower" the couple with gifts. As an honoree you should never specifically ask for gifts. The MOG/MOB are immediate family and it is just too close of a relationship that it has the appearance that the couple is asking.

Hosting a reception is not a "gift grab" but yes, many people do mark the occasion by bringing a gift. You are not required to bring a gift to a reception, but a shower is specifically a gift collection occasion.

 

[shamrock30]

In my family, we only invite close friends and family of the bride who live close enough to actually attend the shower. If a relative might travel a distance to come to the wedding, they still don't get invited to the shower if they don't live nearby. To us, that would be like begging for a gift.

 

[Belle5]

In my family, we only invite close friends and family of the bride who live close enough to actually attend the shower. If a relative might travel a distance to come to the wedding, they still don't get invited to the shower if they don't live nearby. To us, that would be like begging for a gift.

Good point. I will not be technically inviting people to the shower who will be invited to the wedding if they live far away. But, the reality in my family is, that as soon as certain relatives heard I was giving a shower they started mailing gifts and asked me to put them aside for the shower for them. I have done the same thing with all my relatives in the past. Because I send a gift as soon as I hear there is a shower (for a niece or step-niece) I send a gift without a shower invitation. Because I do that, I usually receive an invitation anyway as a keepsake of the event and to help me feel part of things even though I live far away. I really think our new "global" world changes a lot of the rules... I am even hearing about e-showers...

 

[Julia M]

In my family, we only invite close friends and family of the bride who live close enough to actually attend the shower. If a relative might travel a distance to come to the wedding, they still don't get invited to the shower if they don't live nearby. To us, that would be like begging for a gift.

My nephew is being married in May. I was invited to the shower (we live about 2 hours away) but couldn't attend (I was out of town) On the other hand, the aunt and cousin who live in SOuthern CA (we're in Northern) weren't invited (I assume for the reasons noted above) and were offended. (Even though they wouldn't have attended)

Julia

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I received a wedding invitation for the son of one of my bridesmaids (ok, my wedding was 18 years ago, and said child was 4 at the time). We have kept in contact via Christmas card once a year, but that is all since 1995. The invitation included a printed card telling me where they were registered.

I thought this was tacky, but what do I know? I live in Boston, the wedding is in Oregon. I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't going -- plus, I couldn't attend the ceremony anyway since they are Mormon and I'm not.

I was surprised to get the invitation, I thought it felt like a gift grab, but maybe not? She has 3 other kids, so if I buy something for this one, I will feel obligated to do the same for the others when they marry. I've been debating sending a gift card to the store where they are registered -- what would you do?

Maria