WHITE HOUSE CONSIDERING PERP WALK FOR CHENEY
Sight of Veep in Handcuffs Could Kick-Start Markets, Aides Believe
The White House is actively considering leading Vice-President Dick Cheney away from the White House in handcuffs as a way of jump-starting the flagging U.S. stock markets, aides to President Bush said today.
The so-called perp walk option for the Vice President was inspired, aides said, by the recent televised arrest of the top executives of cable TV giant Adelphia which many believe sparked a one-day Dow rally.
If those Adelphia dudes being led off in handcuffs pushed the Dow over 8,000, Cheneys perp walk could get us back up to 11,000, one White House aide said.
Aides to the President are also considering leading Cheney the former CEO of the Halliburton Company -- away from the White House in chains or leg irons, a memorable image that could lead to a sustained summer rally, insiders said.
Cheney in chains would be awesome, one aide said. That might even get AOL stock to go back up again.
One obstacle to the White Houses perp walk plans for Cheney, however, is the Vice President himself, who is not likely to go quietly, aides cautioned.
No doubt about it, Cheney can be a mean mother, especially when hes cornered, one aide said. But first things first before we can handcuff him, we have to find out where hes hiding.
For his part, Mr. Cheney made no public appearances over the weekend, but released an official statement Sunday, stating tersely, Youll never take me alive, suckahs.
****Borowitz Reports*****
Sight of Veep in Handcuffs Could Kick-Start Markets, Aides Believe
The White House is actively considering leading Vice-President Dick Cheney away from the White House in handcuffs as a way of jump-starting the flagging U.S. stock markets, aides to President Bush said today.
The so-called perp walk option for the Vice President was inspired, aides said, by the recent televised arrest of the top executives of cable TV giant Adelphia which many believe sparked a one-day Dow rally.
If those Adelphia dudes being led off in handcuffs pushed the Dow over 8,000, Cheneys perp walk could get us back up to 11,000, one White House aide said.
Aides to the President are also considering leading Cheney the former CEO of the Halliburton Company -- away from the White House in chains or leg irons, a memorable image that could lead to a sustained summer rally, insiders said.
Cheney in chains would be awesome, one aide said. That might even get AOL stock to go back up again.
One obstacle to the White Houses perp walk plans for Cheney, however, is the Vice President himself, who is not likely to go quietly, aides cautioned.
No doubt about it, Cheney can be a mean mother, especially when hes cornered, one aide said. But first things first before we can handcuff him, we have to find out where hes hiding.
For his part, Mr. Cheney made no public appearances over the weekend, but released an official statement Sunday, stating tersely, Youll never take me alive, suckahs.
****Borowitz Reports*****
