Where did I go wrong?

[minkydog]

Sixteen-year-olds do and say stupid things. Hang in there.

And they have pudding for brains.

Yep, he was just trying to cut you a little deeper than you cut him.

Yep, and they really know how to push our buttons, especially MOm's buttons. Men handle this stuff differently, more like a business transaction;women get upset and take it personally. It's not personal, not really. He's just being an ...........(fill in your favorite epithet.) I think 16 is a particularly unlovely age, especially in boys. They all have testosterone poisoning at this age.

Don't worry about it. You'll be alive to him again when he needs some money or to borrow the car, etc.

Absolutely true. Seriously, OP, we went through the same stuff with DS23. He was just horrible to me. He told me he wished i were dead nearly every day and there were times I was actually afraid that he would kill me in my sleep. Somehow he just knew where the line in the dirt was and he never crossed it. But, boy, did he make our lives miserable for awhile there.

I don't have any good advice, but here's a big hug

 

[SandrA9810]

I never touched any drugs in my life, but I was just like him. I had a hard time in school, and I did a lot of vengful things. And sometimes I find myself doing it now, trying to hurt some one more than they hurt me. The only difference is now I actually regret it after it happens. When I was a teen, it took me till after I was 20 to finally realize and feel sorry for what I did.

It took a lot more effort than it should have, but I did manage to walk away with a diploma. So don't think it's not possible.
When I was in the 9th grade, I was in the Colorguard, and to be in anything extra you had to maintain a 2.0 gpa. And I think because of that, it kept my butt working hard in school. Once I transfered out, and there were no more extras, my grades fell by the wayside.

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

I take offense because I am 16

Nah, I know it's true. I have said awful things to my parents before that I wish that I could take back.

 

[NotUrsula]

DS is a bit younger, and he hasn't gone that far on the insult scale, but I'm sure he will before we're done. It's typical really; the kids who DON'T ever stoop to this are the minority.

Several of DS' teachers have said to us that he's the kind of kid who will probably do very well in college, but a regimented school environment is hard for him. The trick is, he has to GET to college first, and that is where sucking it up and doing the HS work comes in. We don't pressure him to get great grades, just decent ones.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am 53 and still wish I could take back 16. I was horrible to my Mom.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

Don't worry about it. You'll be alive to him again when he needs some money or to borrow the car, etc.

Don't feel guilty about things, or change your approach. I often think, if I don't say this to my kid, who will? It's your job to teach them life's lessons.

 

[Kit'smommy]

I remember telling my Mother that I didn't like her when I was a teenager and we were having a fight. She replied that she wasn't my friend, she was my parent and I didn't have to like her but she was still looking out for me. That got through to me.

It is hard to look out for their best interests when they don't understand the long term implications of their actions. It's tough to be the parent, but he will come around.

 

[DisneyLover1217]

There's a saying "we hurt those we love the most". He's just acting out and he knows no matter what he says to you, you will still love him and be there for him. Let him work through his anger, he'll be back to that kid you know and love.

 

[Shmily1]

So sorry you had to go through this, but I think all of us moms do at one time or another. I think your best motivation is the college. Make an appointment at a University or College that you've heard him talking about going to. Most HSs consider this to be a present day if you get a form signed at the college so check at his HS to see if that's possible for him. Anyway, sign up for a tour of the college or even an open house day and let him see what all it entails. If they don't discuss classes needed to get into that college or grades, ask them when they are going over all the info about the college. My DS19 is very smart but had other stuff to keep himself occupied, like band, friends, computers, etc so he didn't want to turn in homework, etc until I took him to see the college. Then he had a goal and life was good! Good luck to you!!

 

[mtdevine615]

It's a tough road you're own but it will get better. I quit HS when I was his age (I know not something you want to hear) but I turned it around and now I hold two AAS, one BS and one MS degrees.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thanks for the words of wisdom and encourgement everyone. I think that I've gotten myself together enough that I'm going to go talk to him. DS came out of his room about 15 mins ago and wanted to talk, he looked sad and hurt, but I told him I needed a few more minutes. So I am going to go tell him that I love him no matter what but what he said was hurtfull and unacceptable. But how do I get it through to a 16 year old how important school is when all he sees it as is a big pain in the butt. It's no wonder I have so much grey hair. Thank you guys once again, reading your responses really help me feel better.

Feel better. I am one of the kinds who takes insults as a cheap shot, they mean zero to me. But the grades would worry me much more because they could indicate a serious problem if the child isn't diagnosed with something that makes learning a challenge.

If you want to show him something that is, IMO, the biggest kick in the but out there go search the last Census. There is a portion where income is separated out by education level. Those without a HS diploma tend to lay below poverty level, HS diploma not much higher but with a college diploma it jumps about 20K and on & on. No words needed, it's all right there. I'm going to go see if I can find it for you.

Here it is:
www.census.gov/prod/2002pubs/p23-210.pdf

 

[Christine]

I don't mean to be Miss Doom and Gloom here but I wanted to comment on the grades and the motivation.

OP, I don't know if you've been here over the last few years as I posted about my DD. Starting at around grade 10, we started getting the slipping grades. Some were due to her laziness and other times it was due to learning issues. Couple those together and it is a deadly combination.

However, my DD VERY MUCH wanted to go to college and I kept at her on what was going to happen if she didn't perform. I got the "Yeah, I know, I know..." We had two "come to Jesus" meetings with her guidance counselor and advisor with me there and we worked out plans, options, told her how serious it all was. She agreed, tried to better, but she just didn't.

She applied to 6 different in-state colleges and two out of state colleges. She was waitlisted for one out of state school and denied entry for all the others. Due to a failure in Chemistry and a "D" here and there, she had a cumulative GPA of about 2.5 and very average SAT and ACT scores.

She was devastated. Due to the help of a very good friend of mine, one of the schools relooked at her file (because she did meet the minimum requirements of that school) and they admitted her.

She is there now and has not wholly learned her lesson. But it is all on her now. I did what I could to help her get in college and hoping the college environment would be a better fit. We'll see.

My point is that you may not be able to convince your son how important his grades our. At 16, for many students, there is an imaturity there that doesn't seem to allow them to connect those dots or realize how devastating the outcome may be. It didn't help that our state has very competitive admissions requirements now at the public universities. Minimum GPAs to even think about getting into most run at about 3.2 now. Many years ago, you could walk in to a lot of them with a 2.1-2.3. I don't know if this is the situation where you live.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm sorry this is bothering you so much and I hope your son comes around.

Honestly, if my dd said that to me, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face. Then I'd tell her, "OK then, so I guess you won't be asking me for a (ride to friend's house, spending money, new clothes, etc.) since I'm dead to you. Have a great day at home."

I've got a very thick skin and dh is a high school teacher, so my poor children are in for a tough time. And in my house, if they don't keep their grades up, all the fun stuff is history. When they can't be civil, they can go be bilious in their rooms because I'm not listening to it.

 

[mjkacmom]

Are there any kids who get through the teen years without expressing their extreme hate for their parents? I know I told my mom I hated her several times (and I might've actually felt mad enough at the time to think I hated her). I'd chock it up to hormones. With regards to his grades, I think a calm meeting to talk over different strategies, might help.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm sorry this is bothering you so much and I hope your son comes around.

Honestly, if my dd said that to me, I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face. Then I'd tell her, "OK then, so I guess you won't be asking me for a (ride to friend's house, spending money, new clothes, etc.) since I'm dead to you. Have a great day at home."

I've got a very thick skin and dh is a high school teacher, so my poor children are in for a tough time. And in my house, if they don't keep their grades up, all the fun stuff is history. When they can't be civil, they can go be bilious in their rooms because I'm not listening to it.

Mom, is that you?????????


My mother's favorite sayings:

I am not your friend I am your mother.
I don't care if you hate me or not. This isn't a popularity contest.
This isn't Burger King. You don't always get it your way.
You hate me? Good, then I am doing my job and doing it well.

I have no idea whether or not our arguments fazed her...if they did, she never let it show much. And frankly, if I went to her after and said how hurt and sad I was, her response would have been "Of course you're hurt and sad. Your behavior was shameful and you know it".