When your adult children do something you hate how do you let it go?

[ozarkmom]

Last year I posted about my daughter being involved with a horrible loser. Last January he was in rehab not because he wanted help with his alcoholism but he was trying to avoid jail and his goofy dad had cut a deal with him about getting him a new car when he got out and other stuff. Loser does his rehab, gets out , gets DWI, two driving on suspended and a P.I. Fast forward he comes back to our town they get back together for about 5 months. She sees that he hasn't really changed and his old ways are sneaking back in. They break up. She dates awesome young man. Great job , his own home, can drive and is really a nice guy. After two months she dumps great guy and is now involved with a young man I worked with. She's just twenty and full time student. This man has two kids and after he and his wife split (not the first time) he hired my daughter to clean his house. I didn't want her to because I knew he was attracted to her. She and I had a big blow up over it and didn't speak for two weeks. I finally made the first move and we text and talk a little. I can't stand that she's with this guy. He and his wife have been back and forth since they were in high school dating. The young man has some issues. Our workers comp had dropped him because of his anger and non compliance. I know I have to shut up and hope this will blow over. Other than the biggest loser she's not dated anyone more than two months in the last four years. Just wondering how do others do it? How do you just keep quiet?

 

[Jennasis]

You just do. For the sake of maintaining a relationship, you have to butt out. I know it's hard, because I have a mom who has to put in her two cents as well. Even when she is right, she's wrong KWIM? In fact, the harder to try to convince your daughter that she's dating losers, the more she will pull away from you and gravitate to them. Know why?

When you tell her what losers they are, it's not an indictment against the loser...it's an indictment against HER. You are questioning HER judgement. You are making HER feel stupid for choosing those guys. It's offensive to HER. So naturally she HAS to rally behind those morons.

Best thing to do is butt out and let it run it's course, or better yet...GUSH over how much to like the loser.

 

[iwrbnd]

It's tough, isn't it? Just be there for her and listen. Usually the more you point out the negative the more she'll defend him! Hopefully she'll figure it out! Sometimes I envy countries with arranged marriages!

We're conservative, republican & Christan and my son is dating a liberal, democrat atheist! You know what, though? We love her!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Does she live with you, do you pay for her college, expenses, etc? That would be harder to deal with imo.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My mother has a tough time with this.

Unless your dd is being hurt physically or is emotionally anguished from her choices and comes to you for advice or a shoulder to lean on--all you can do is butt out.

It can't be easy, but it really is the only thing.

You can raise them to hopefully make the good choices, but once they are of age, the only thing you can do is to step aside and let them make them.

That isn't a "blessing" on their choices.

My mother still inquires about my marriage.

After all she's the epitome of how to do marriage right after all. (*sarcasm*--she's on marriage #5)

ETA: If you are providing for her financially--you can "opt out" of doing so. IF she depends on you in any way for support--she is not as indpendant as she believes she is. However, be prepared for backlash. But there is nothing that says you have to support her while she embraces dating such scummy men.

 

[Gigi22]

Agreed with the PPs. We are going through something similar with our DNiece, who has unfortunately married her most recent "bad choice". That is the last thing you want for your DD, right? But she is an adult, and has to make her own choices. Be there with your support when things go south, because they will. And hope she learns from the experience.

 

[LuvOrlando]

This is how I see it:

Funny how we all talk to our kids all the time about saying no to drugs but rarely raise them to know the warning signs of trouble in a mate. All the romantic "The Heart wants what it wants" nonsense gets a big fat slap-down in my house. Here the mantra is "Love with your heart, but only marry when your heart and mind agree 100%." Love only goes so far by itself, friendship and respect are necessary for happily ever after... and only if it runs both ways. Also, physical attraction IS NOT a good reason to marry someone, dating yes but marriage, absolutely not enough. My kids are too young for that yet, but they'll hear it from me soon enough.

I remember my family spinning over some of the dating choices I made back when. I also remember a close cousin of mine approaching me on the subject. I used to date body builders and handsome guys from wealthy families who would dazzle me with champagne ect. With all the hand wringing in the family no-one bothered to ask ME what sort of man I would actually marry and even at that age I knew the difference between the marrying kind and the fun kind. So I told my cousin I knew exactly what I wanted, and in the end that's exactly what I married 16 years ago. I still remember her parting words with me, " I knew it, I told your mother you weren't stupid but she asked me to talk to you anyway."

I think you might want to have a conversation with your DD about the sort of life she wants for herself and her kids, if she even wants them. Then maybe the sort of man who will be a good co-pilot for the adventure. If you haven't talked with her about it before, now might be a good time, before rings are exchanged.

DO NOT bring up the guy she is with, do not bring up past relationships. Suppose the 'thing' there was purely physical, do you REALLY think she's going to tell you that? Of course not, so don't even go there. Just focus on what sort of life she wants. Does she even want a spouse, a family, bio children or not or is she career oriented or grad school bound? Help her form a blueprint SHE wants then help her consider what sort of person will help her get there. Realize she may not want anything you think she should want, respect her and help her give her plans form... the rest will all fall into place.

good luck

 

[ozarkmom]

I know I can't say anything. At first I had pointed out the things I know about this guy and how she used to laugh at he and his wife playing their drama out on facebook. How we felt bad that they have kids when they're so stupid and childish. That conversation got pretty ugly. Then we just didn't speak for two weeks. Now when we talk I just don't mention him. I was at a wedding Saturday. My oldest son was a groomsmen and some of his friends were asking about her. They all think she's beautiful and some of them had heard about her latest. I guess it got me all upset again. Several did mention though as bad as he is he's better than loser ex. That's what my husband points out too. So I am keeping my mouth shut and hoping it runs it's course.

 

[lillygator]

stay out of it. she is an adult and you telling her what to do will make it worse.

 

[eliza61]

1. Calmly tell her ONCE why you don't think dating guy ____ is a good idea. After that zipp it.
2. Tell her you love her and will always be there for her. Reiterate that no matter who she dates, you always want to be a part of her life.
3. Keep telling yourself that while she is still young she has to be able to make these decisions on her own. Unfortunately mistake are a great way to find out what you really want.
4. I once dated a young man who turned out to be a bank robber on the lam from Jamaica!! Ouch! Never would I not speak to my mom, even when she the first to realize what a loser he iwas.

 

[Pakey]

Middle son has been married for 6 years to the wrong woman. We keep our mouths shut, we smile and say all of the right things and make sure he knows that we are there any time he needs us. They may stay miserably together for the rest of their lives so we aren't burning any bridges.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that most of us probably dated losers. You can't stop it even if you are paying for college and cut off funds. She'll likely either be sneaky about it or she'll find another way to go to school.

 

[Robinrs]

Legally she's an adult but emotionally she's like many 20 year olds, they're into BAD boys and the fun and mystery that comes with it.

I sensed her age in your post before you posted it, and in my eyes, a 20yo is still a kid. They learn their own lessons on their own. All we can do is wait for them to realize it.

Between my nieces, sisters, cousins and godchildren I've had to deal with this over 20 times.

 

[C.Ann]

One of the hardest things when it comes to being a parent.. As long as she's not in danger, the most you can do is calmly explain how you feel and then comes the really hard part: let her learn from her mistakes..

Just remember that the harder you push, the harder she'll push back and continue on with the relationship..

Good luck!