When you don't get along with your mother

[RyMacJ]

So, I'm not really sure how to ask this question, but I need advice. I can't go to my friends, who have been my friends since I was in elementary school, and are used to my mom's craziness and just say to brush it off and walk away because there is nothing I can do. I can't take it to my DH because he gets MAD and things between he and my mother are already awful because of her ruining our WDW trip last year (long story). I try to keep the peace between them if at all possible. My dad and my mom pretty much hate each other, but are still married. Why, I'll never know. But anyway, if I try and talk to him, he just starts in on why HE can't stand to be around her.

My mother and I have never gotten along very well. She always yelled a lot, and she and my dad were constantly putting me in the middle of their arguments growing up (I'm an only child). Things got a bit better when I moved out, but she's still always tried to insert herself in every part of my life and boss me around. I try and get across that I am an adult without being mean or ugly, because I mean, she's my MOM and I do love her, but when does it end?

This morning we were on the phone and she asked me a very personal question, to which I responded that it was none of her business. I didn't use an ugly tone or speak sharply, I just stated it matter of factly. She then told me that anything I do is her business. I said, actually it's not. She said, actually it is, because you're my daughter. I AM THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD! No, nothing I do is any of her business, just because she is my mother. I did not choose my mother.

This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Obviously I know to just walk away from conversations like that, and this morning I just hung up the phone. But this is CONSTANT. When I don't react the way she wants me to she tries to guilt trip me and act all woe is me nobody loves me you only love your father blah blah blah blah blah.

I just don't know if it is possible to maintain a relationship with my mother anymore. I do love her, but I don't think the amount of stress I'm under when I'm around her is healthy. My kids love her, and I would hate to take her away from them. So what do I do? How do I even break off a relationship with her when she lives in the same town and we would be at many of the same family functions? Not go see my family? (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). If I tried to make a break from her, and then showed up at a birthday party or something and she was there, she would likely cause a scene and ruin the event, and I would hate for that to happen.

Where do I draw the line?

 

[sonnyjane]

So, I'm not really sure how to ask this question, but I need advice. I can't go to my friends, who have been my friends since I was in elementary school, and are used to my mom's craziness and just say to brush it off and walk away because there is nothing I can do. I can't take it to my DH because he gets MAD and things between he and my mother are already awful because of her ruining our WDW trip last year (long story). I try to keep the peace between them if at all possible. My dad and my mom pretty much hate each other, but are still married. Why, I'll never know. But anyway, if I try and talk to him, he just starts in on why HE can't stand to be around her.

My mother and I have never gotten along very well. She always yelled a lot, and she and my dad were constantly putting me in the middle of their arguments growing up (I'm an only child). Things got a bit better when I moved out, but she's still always tried to insert herself in every part of my life and boss me around. I try and get across that I am an adult without being mean or ugly, because I mean, she's my MOM and I do love her, but when does it end?

This morning we were on the phone and she asked me a very personal question, to which I responded that it was none of her business. I didn't use an ugly tone or speak sharply, I just stated it matter of factly. She then told me that anything I do is her business. I said, actually it's not. She said, actually it is, because you're my daughter. I AM THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD! No, nothing I do is any of her business, just because she is my mother. I did not choose my mother.

This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Obviously I know to just walk away from conversations like that, and this morning I just hung up the phone. But this is CONSTANT. When I don't react the way she wants me to she tries to guilt trip me and act all woe is me nobody loves me you only love your father blah blah blah blah blah.

I just don't know if it is possible to maintain a relationship with my mother anymore. I do love her, but I don't think the amount of stress I'm under when I'm around her is healthy. My kids love her, and I would hate to take her away from them. So what do I do? How do I even break off a relationship with her when she lives in the same town and we would be at many of the same family functions? Not go see my family? (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). If I tried to make a break from her, and then showed up at a birthday party or something and she was there, she would likely cause a scene and ruin the event, and I would hate for that to happen.

Where do I draw the line?

To be honest, I'd walk away from ANY relationship that brings me more pain than happiness, even if that's family. I no longer have a relationship with my brother for that reason. I know that some people will comment that "family is family no matter what", but I personally don't subscribe to that sentiment.

I don't have children so unfortunately I don't have advice as to how to maintain (if you choose to) a relationship between your kids and your mom. I strongly suggest you talk to a therapist about it. It helped me tremendously when dealing with my own family issues.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

So, I'm not really sure how to ask this question, but I need advice. I can't go to my friends, who have been my friends since I was in elementary school, and are used to my mom's craziness and just say to brush it off and walk away because there is nothing I can do. I can't take it to my DH because he gets MAD and things between he and my mother are already awful because of her ruining our WDW trip last year (long story). I try to keep the peace between them if at all possible. My dad and my mom pretty much hate each other, but are still married. Why, I'll never know. But anyway, if I try and talk to him, he just starts in on why HE can't stand to be around her.

My mother and I have never gotten along very well. She always yelled a lot, and she and my dad were constantly putting me in the middle of their arguments growing up (I'm an only child). Things got a bit better when I moved out, but she's still always tried to insert herself in every part of my life and boss me around. I try and get across that I am an adult without being mean or ugly, because I mean, she's my MOM and I do love her, but when does it end?

This morning we were on the phone and she asked me a very personal question, to which I responded that it was none of her business. I didn't use an ugly tone or speak sharply, I just stated it matter of factly. She then told me that anything I do is her business. I said, actually it's not. She said, actually it is, because you're my daughter. I AM THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD! No, nothing I do is any of her business, just because she is my mother. I did not choose my mother.

This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Obviously I know to just walk away from conversations like that, and this morning I just hung up the phone. But this is CONSTANT. When I don't react the way she wants me to she tries to guilt trip me and act all woe is me nobody loves me you only love your father blah blah blah blah blah.

I just don't know if it is possible to maintain a relationship with my mother anymore. I do love her, but I don't think the amount of stress I'm under when I'm around her is healthy. My kids love her, and I would hate to take her away from them. So what do I do? How do I even break off a relationship with her when she lives in the same town and we would be at many of the same family functions? Not go see my family? (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). If I tried to make a break from her, and then showed up at a birthday party or something and she was there, she would likely cause a scene and ruin the event, and I would hate for that to happen.

Where do I draw the line?

I can certainly sympathize OP, and I'm not going to tell you to just let it slide off your back, that's not fair to you.

What I would do is talk to your mom, just the 2 of you, and let her know how you feel. Tell her that you love her, but you are an adult, and you understand that she's just wanting to be involved in your life, but she needs to let go, and that if she can't do that, you're going to start pulling away. Tell her that if she's commenting about something, and you tell her that you've got it covered, she needs to accept that and drop it.

Then, if she doesn't back off some, you do need to pull away. When she starts commenting or digging, let her know that you've got it covered. If she doesn't drop it, then either end the conversation ("Mom, like I told you before, you need to remember that I'm an adult and I'm not going to discuss this with you."), or change the subject. If you're at an event together and she won't drop it, leave, it won't take long before she realizes that you are serious about the boundries you are setting.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Since your children love to be around your Mom, I would just do what you did....tell her it's none of her business and repeat as needed.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

I can totally sympathize with you. My relationship with my family is somewhat distant after I realized they were sucking the life out of me. I had to be passive aggressive because I knew that confronting them with my issues would get nowhere.

How I handled it was to decrease the amount of time I had to engage with them, I joined a book club, involved my children in activities, started a new hobby (scrapbooking). I had less time for the daily phone calls, and eventually got it down to a weekly phone call, and a visit once a month.

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

I had the same feelings about my mom, op. And my parents pretty much hated eachother (and stayed married as well) and argued about everything and put me and my 2 siblings in the middle too (which also caused the 3 of us kids to not have any sort of close relationship.) My dh really couldn't stand my mom either - mostly in solidarity at first, but then he witnessed her craziness after we were married.

Then my kids came along. That made our relationship even worse. Dh and I lived about 3 1/2 hours from my parents - they were in northern IL and we live in northeast WI. I wished it was farther. If we visted them (which was rare,) we stayed in a hotel. It was the only way I could keep my sanity (my mom was a severe hoarder.) And we may have stayed in town for a weekend, but the actual amount of time we saw them (by design) was only a few hours each day. When they came to visit us, they too stayed in a hotel - again for sanity purposes. My mom and I actually got along much better via phone than in person. Probably because I could hang up if need be.

My kids, like yours, loved my mom but they really didn't understand her. And my kids are shy and take awhile to warm up to people they don't see on a regular basis (my inlaws, their other grandparents, live 5 minutes from us and my kids have a very close relationship with them which caused a whole host of other issues with my mother.) But my mom would push and push and push and not give them that time to warm up. Then she'd get mad because they weren't gushing over her.

In any case, we just made our visits short and sweet (and almost non-existent to their neck of the woods) to help with my stress level. I was always stressed in anticpation of the visit, then from the visit itself. My poor dh took the brunt of that stress. I guess that's really the only way I was able to manage even having a relationship with my mom - by phone or short, short infrequent visits.

My mom passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago (on Mothers Day actually.) And while I was upset, I really wasn't as upset as I would've been had I had a better relationship with her. I was more upset over the loss of having a mom than losing my mom herself, if that makes sense. It's sad and hard to admit, but true. I made my peace a long time ago in that I knew that I would never have a good relationship with my mom - things just weren't going to change. OP, I hope you're able to make peace with whatever type of relationship you choose to have with your mom.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just don't know if it is possible to maintain a relationship with my mother anymore. I do love her, but I don't think the amount of stress I'm under when I'm around her is healthy. My kids love her, and I would hate to take her away from them. So what do I do? How do I even break off a relationship with her when she lives in the same town and we would be at many of the same family functions? Not go see my family? (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). If I tried to make a break from her, and then showed up at a birthday party or something and she was there, she would likely cause a scene and ruin the event, and I would hate for that to happen.

Where do I draw the line?

You ask: "Where do I draw the line?"
Me... Personally????
I would have drawn a huge and permanent line by now.
This is toxic... It is not healthy... Your husband can't seem to be able to deal with her.

You SAY your kids love her...
I am really, truly, VERY STRONGLY, questioning that.
They are kids.
They know that they are expected (DEMANDED) to love her.
They are, and/or, will experience the same toxic issues, control, emotional blackmail, etc.... that you have ALWAYS experienced. There is simply no doubt about that whatsoever.

Again, they are kids...
You are the adult, the parent, who knows what is best.

Sorry! This might not be what you want to hear....
I know it's hard.

 

[rodeo65]

I can certainly sympathize OP, and I'm not going to tell you to just let it slide off your back, that's not fair to you.

What I would do is talk to your mom, just the 2 of you, and let her know how you feel. Tell her that you love her, but you are an adult, and you understand that she's just wanting to be involved in your life, but she needs to let go, and that if she can't do that, you're going to start pulling away. Tell her that if she's commenting about something, and you tell her that you've got it covered, she needs to accept that and drop it.

Then, if she doesn't back off some, you do need to pull away. When she starts commenting or digging, let her know that you've got it covered. If she doesn't drop it, then either end the conversation ("Mom, like I told you before, you need to remember that I'm an adult and I'm not going to discuss this with you."), or change the subject. If you're at an event together and she won't drop it, leave, it won't take long before she realizes that you are serious about the boundaries you are setting.

I think this is excellent advice! Give her the boundary, it will take some time for her to test it and be sure you mean it. The number of times you have tried to do this and then she has pushed through the boundary in the past will increase the amount of time it will take to reinforce it now, but for the sake of maintaining a relationship between her and your children I'd try to work on this with her.

 

[JanaDee]

OP, I don't have any advice for you, but I really wish every helicopter, interfering, meddlesome mother could read your original post, whether their children are 5 or 35.

 

[2princesses3princes]

I agree with the boundaries needing to be set. If she is anything like mother, having a sit down discussion about those boundaries won't work. It would turn into an all about her and her needs blah blah blah.
I would start instituting the boundaries in the situation. Phone call- "I'm an adult I'm not discussing this" followed by "if we cannot change the subject, I'm going to hang up" followed by hanging up.
Limit or eliminate visits with her. I don't know the ages of your kids but I agree that their relationship with her is likely going to turn unhealthy if it is not already. Better for your kids to see you put in limits now so they don't have to fight the fight for themselves later.
Family gatherings-be polite. If she begins an argument- "Mom, this is not the time or place to discuss this". If she continues walk away. If she pursues "Mom, if you can't drop this, I am going to have to leave".
Family will know it is not your fault. They likely know her enough to know her craziness. They will understand if you have to leave. Maybe follow up with a private visit to the family member later.
Good luck. This is tough to deal with on a daily basis. My family has ridiculous expectations but we don't have to deal with them this frequently.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Make your boundary lines, and don't let her cross them. I would explain to her you are married and an adult. I would say mom we can have a great relationship if you want one. But I am setting boundary limits with you. If you try and go beyond them I will walk away until you can respect them. A few rounds of that and she may start getting the hint. Same thing with kids, when we don't give into their rants they start changing and realize that mom is not arguing or budging. But do it in a loving manner.

 

[Wishing on a star]

"having a sit down discussion about those boundaries won't work. It would turn into an all about her and her needs blah blah blah."

I would agree with this:
This would be the very LAST thing that I would do.

One can try to discuss, enforce, argue, etc... until Kingdom come. As the OP has already described.

One will be ready to draw that line when one finally realizes that for this other person, they simply can not see or observe boundaries any more than a zebra could change his stripes. Just ain't gonna happen. They are just incapable in every single way.

Their rights can know NO boundaries or limitations. Ever.

They will very often single out the one, or few, people, like the OP, who they know that will be 'subject' them, in order to feed their insanity.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I would agree with this:
"having a sit down discussion about those boundaries won't work. It would turn into an all about her and her needs blah blah blah."
This would be the very LAST thing that I would do.

One can try to discuss, enforce, argue, etc... until Kingdom come. As the OP has already described.

One will be ready to draw that line when one finally realizes that for this other person, they can not see or observe boundaries any more than a zebra could change his stripes. Just ain't gonna happen. They are just incapable in every single way...

The will very often single out the one, or few, people, like the OP, who they know that will be 'subject' them, in order to feed their insanity.

It is not telling her about what kind of boundary's but to say if she is crossing the line in any manner she needs to cut off the communication. It has to start some where. If mom keeps it up then it would be best to not have any communication at all.

 

[shortbun]

If it was me, I would begin working on detaching with love. You can look up the subject on google and there are plenty of books written on the topic. Usually, stepping away from a bad relationship but doing it kindly works to make some positive changes. I don't think confrontation would be positive and "reacting" rather than thoughtful "action" is rarely productive in my experience. Stop the dance, change the steps. There's a proverb that goes something like this: if you always do what you always did then you'll always get what you always got. Good luck. Peace.

 

[Wendy31]

The mother-daughter relationship is so heavy with so many different & varied layers.

And we are all giving advice based on our own relationships & history w/ our mothers.

My relationship w/ my mother, admittedly, is not the best, although my mother actually has no clue & probably thinks we're fine & dandy. I spent most of this past Mother's Day w/ my mother, the day was not a very good day for me. Later that evening, I was reading some blog post about mothers & daughters, & something the blogger wrote just hit me square in the heart like things sometimes do. And I realized, I have some deep-seated anger & bitterness towards my mother. And, the funny thing is, the older I get, the harder it is for me to keep those feelings squashed down. I will never say anything to my mother or have any kind of "talk" w/ her because she is older & is more mentally & emotionally & physically fragile now & just can't handle things very well any more. And I do love her. However, Mother's Day evening, I started crying & finally said out loud (even if only I was the only one who could hear me), "I am angry at my mom." And I know, for my peace of mind & sanity, I need to forgive & just let it go.

Anyway, I said all that to say, I think we daughters will always have a space in our heart for our "idea" of how our mothers should be or how we want them to be. No matter what kind of person our mothers are or aren't, there will always be a tie that connects a mother to a daughter.

And it is hard to let go of how we wish the relationship would be. I would say there's even mourning or grieving when we let go of the "ideal" & move on w/ the reality.

When you live close to family, it's hard to just suddenly break off contact. There are holidays & birthdays & graduations & all kinds of other family get-togethers. Plus, there are your own children & their relationships w/ their grandparents & other family members. Bottom line, you really can't end contact.

However, you can change your reaction to your mother. (And I'm preaching to myself here too! ) I think you have to let go of the idealized version in your head of how you'd like your mother/daughter relationship to be & just start relating to your mother as one adult to another.

You set up boundaries for yourself & your kids - you don't even have to tell your mother what those boundaries are. The important thing is you know what your boundaries are. Your mother can guilt-trip you - but, as long as you know you're treating her fairly & kindly, you don't let the guilt affect you. You can't control her actions & words. But you can control your actions & words.

I think you have to get to a place where you're okay w/ your mom being all "woe is me" & "I'm disappointed in you" - because you know you're okay & that it's your mother's problem & not yours, if that make sense. You "tune out" the drama. You change the subject. You laugh lightly. You say, "You're wrong, but we can agree to disagree." You don't engage.

 

[Poohbear5]

"having a sit down discussion about those boundaries won't work. It would turn into an all about her and her needs blah blah blah."

I would agree with this:
This would be the very LAST thing that I would do.

One can try to discuss, enforce, argue, etc... until Kingdom come. As the OP has already described.

One will be ready to draw that line when one finally realizes that for this other person, they simply can not see or observe boundaries any more than a zebra could change his stripes. Just ain't gonna happen. They are just incapable in every single way.

Their rights can know NO boundaries or limitations. Ever.

They will very often single out the one, or few, people, like the OP, who they know that will be 'subject' them, in order to feed their insanity.

Agree.

Limit your exposure to this toxic relationship but do not forgo the family gatherings. I find it is less likely my mother will bully me in a large crowd, she will save that for email, facebook, or one-on-one.
If you choose to invite her to your kids events, invite by email. It lessens the interaction. If she cannot behave at gatherings, then maybe it's time to move on. I say that, but I know it's very difficult to do. Good luck.

 

[Andtototoo]

I highly recommend you start by reading the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. (There are many variations, including a new version coming out next month.) You can no doubt find a copy at your library. It is the standard guide for dealing with toxic family members, regardless of any religious affiliation.

 

[bethy]

I agree with the boundaries needing to be set. If she is anything like mother, having a sit down discussion about those boundaries won't work. It would turn into an all about her and her needs blah blah blah.
I would start instituting the boundaries in the situation. Phone call- "I'm an adult I'm not discussing this" followed by "if we cannot change the subject, I'm going to hang up" followed by hanging up.
Limit or eliminate visits with her. I don't know the ages of your kids but I agree that their relationship with her is likely going to turn unhealthy if it is not already. Better for your kids to see you put in limits now so they don't have to fight the fight for themselves later.
Family gatherings-be polite. If she begins an argument- "Mom, this is not the time or place to discuss this". If she continues walk away. If she pursues "Mom, if you can't drop this, I am going to have to leave".
Family will know it is not your fault. They likely know her enough to know her craziness. They will understand if you have to leave. Maybe follow up with a private visit to the family member later.
Good luck. This is tough to deal with on a daily basis. My family has ridiculous expectations but we don't have to deal with them this frequently.

This is excellent advice. I too, think that a formal sit down conversation would be pointless and likely make things worse. In some ways having a conversation like that gives the other person too much power. It's like you are asking for their blessing.

You have the power to draw up some boundaries and to work toward implementing them. There is no need to make any declarations or come to any agreements or discuss anything. Just do it and have confidence that it is the right thing to do for you. Ultimately, if your changes make it easier for you to have a congenial relationship with your mom then it will be in her best interests also (though she may never see it that way - oh well.)

Actions speak louder than words - so just take action without any fanfare. If you do it make enough difference that you will be able to retain some sort of relationship with your mom which IMO is usually a good thing. The relationship as you described it doesn't seem 100% unsalvageable.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

You did draw the line, and I'm assuming it worked and you didn't tell her what she asked. Just continue to do the same and make up some excuse to get off the phone or leave the room if she continues to press. Limit the drama by not engaging. Don't cut her out completely- the kids love her, and you or they may need her some day.

 

[Waiting2goback]

This is a tough one, obviously.

I will not give a huge history of my relationship with my mother/parents because it would take too long. I will give a couple brief points then move on. When I was 12 my mother began hanging with a new group of friends. Well, this brought her out to clubs and the bar scene at least 5 nights a week. This also brought my father out constantly looking for her and trying to bring her drunk rear end home. This in turn left me to raise my 7 year old sister. This went on for 5 years.

This is when things really fell apart. They were not the nicest people anyway but I was the only one who stood up to her so we fought constantly. Instead of appreciating she had a son who, at 12 years old, made sure her 7 yr old got her schoolwork done, got fed, and bathed and to bed everynight she resented me for calling her out on it.

Fast forward a few years. I got married in May 1998. I was 24. I had an arguement with my sister. My mother got involved, as she always did. That was in August of 1998. In October of 1998 they sued me for a little over $30000. This was the student loan money in their name for the amount of my college they said they'd paid for. I haven't talked to a single family member since. My parents even campaigned against me to get people not to talk to me, including my grandfather, who I was VERY close to. I never spoke to my grandfather again, he died a few years ago.

I settled with them, since it was my word against the whole family. Settled for $20K, sold my house, paid them off, moved and changed my name so they could never find me.

The reason it is tough is because while my life has been so much better without that toxic level of negativity in it, it is still hard not having family there for holidays, the birth of my 4 kids, etc...

I have been to counseling for this, obviously. Each counselor has asked me, would you want to be part of your family's life if you could. My answer has always been, "I wish I had a family, I just don't want it to be mine."

Wendy31 said something similar to what I am going to say. It is really all about acceptance. I have finally accepted I can't change my family. Yes, it is true that our belief is that parents are always supposed to do things to make their kids lives better than their own. Once I finally accepted that this doesn't always happen, and this was just in the past few months, I was able to move on. I was just unlucky to be born to a mother who was selfish and more concerned with herself than anyone else. My father didn't have the backbone to stand up to her. They hated each other too, like others have said on here.

As for the kids loving your mother. This, for me, was much easier. My mother would have made my kids love her too. She would have showered them with toys and crap. I saw her do it with my nephew. I don't think she would have directly hurt my kids. But, when counselors asked if I would want my kids around my parents I said, "NOPE!" My parents are very negative people. I wouldn't want my kids to witness how they treated ME. I wouldn't want my kids to be subject to their negative comments. It was a very angry household growing up, no kid needs to see that. No kid needs to see their parent stressed to see their grandparents. Kids sense that stuff and they get anxious too.

My advice would be to write her an email. I would let her know clearly that I would be dramatically reducing time spent with her. I would explain why. I would let her know you are an adult, trying to raise your kids in the best, and most positive environment possible, and she is not part of that. I would let her know she can EARN time back over time by seeing her at family functions and seeing her respect YOUR space. I would let her know if you go to a family function and she makes a scene you will leave immediately, and then be prepared to do it. I say email because you get to think of what you want to say, get it all in their without interruption, and if she wants to take it personally she can do it in the privacy of her own house and not yell at you.

OP, if you do decide to write an email and need someone impartial to read it, I would be happy to do it for you. My mother wrote me a letter a couple years after the law suit. I swore I'd never respond but I did 6 years ago. I even offered to meet my father for lunch. They never responded. But, I had my counselor read the letter first and I am glad I did because she helped me take the anger out of the letter and make it more to the point.

In the future you will always be able to tell her to refer to your email if there is any confusion. And, if it doesn't work, and she can't respect you and your feelings I would be DONE! Some people just cannot change. It hurts more when they are your parents, or close family, but they are still people and they just can't get over their own agenda.

I am sorry you, or any of you, have to go through this. I know how awful it feels. I see some of my friends who have a good relationship with their families and while I am happy for them, it makes me sad that I will never have that.