When you don't get a gift in return

[58cognac]

Wow, I never would have guessed that I wasn't the only one with these kinds of siblings/relatives....went on a family vacation years ago the same week of DD's 4th Bday, food expenses shared amongst our siblings' families....I picked up about $25 of Bday things (cake, two small toys, didn't want big stuff to pack) along with groceries, I was asked by sis to subtract that $$$ from total expenses, no problem, then was expected to pitch in for 4 cases of beer that we didn't drink, it was the most petty thing I've ever seen, needless to say we do not vacation with extended family anymore, our family is our priority...we now get Christmas ideas just for the kids, if sis tells me they want a specific book or a movie, that's what I look for.....my DD wanted certain books as well, but is getting something she didn't ask for....but both DD's are grateful when they get gifts regardless, my parents always put $$ into their Schwab accts for Bdays and Xmas, best gift idea for sure, the girls never ask why no presents because they understand why that's a great gift idea

 

[GinnyEmma]

Thank you notes should definitely be sent, but I give gifts because I enjoy it, and don't expect things in return. Not receiving a gift in return, or a thank you note, would not affect my decision.

I agree. I love my neices and nephews. I wouldn't ever choose not to buy something for them. I can't imagine being so anal. While you know that the gift is awesome, there is a good chance they'd have likes something fun...they are kids.

 

[Tanbellisima]

I have no expectations at all when I give someone a gift - none.. Would a "thank you" be nice? Yes.. But I would not stop giving gifts to the people I love because they failed to say thank you - or didn't give a gift in return.. That is a totally foreign concept to me..

It depends on the situation. IMO reciprocity shows that you have a real relationship. Why invest yourself and your money where there is no reciprocity. We all have limits to our money, time, and emotional output. Why not choose to give where you can reap a real relationship rather than give to big black holes of no return. It does not make you better as a person nor give you any universal "brownie points" if you continue to give to people who can not even bother to recipricate with a thank you card and a smile. It is called love and manners. I am not talking about surface relationships. Although some people do not know the difference between surface relationships and intimate relationships. Most people on this thread are discussing intimate relationships where reciprocity is important. Intimate relationships need give and take. If you buy office gifts and people don't recipricate it can still help your career etc. But if your siblings don't even send you a Christmas card and a thank you card after you spend $100 on them you have to start asking yourself why you are giving so much to them? How is it serving you? Maybe you need to step back and see if giving to them is somehow fulfilling something in you. Is it maybe pride or the "better than syndrome"? Or maybe guilt? Or maybe a role playing familial pattern that needs to be broken like you are the giver they are the taker play your role taught by your parents?

I say give to yourselves and your children first next year for all of you on this thread who give and give and receive no reciprocity. It will open up a whole new world for you. Also instead of giving to ungrateful family and friends who take you for granted actually meet some people from a Charity and give to them. And I mean talk to them and learn about them as people. I adopted a kindergarten class a few years ago from an underpriveleged community. I spoke with the teacher in the fall, volunteered in the classroom, read 1 book a week, and then took all my Christmas money and paid for a field trip to the local IMAX for 3-d Polar Express. Each child brought their favorite person with them which was mostly aunts, grandmas, and mothers, and sisters.

It was the best. Those children and their families were so happy, joyful, and appreciative. Some of those children--- listen to this---- they had NEVER been to the movies. There parents either did not have the money or the time because they worked 2 jobs (working poor) to take their kids. I had never met kids who had never been to the movies. The teacher had to teach them how to enter the theatre, what to expect, told them how loud it would be. They kept asking me when we would get to go watch "BIG" tv. How cute is that? I say this to say that those 42 children were so thankful and so exuberant it left no question in my mind as to whether I should spend my time and $600 plus snack and lunch money ($300) on anyone else. That is how Christmas presents should be. Love and reciprocity. And for those people in my life at that time who had been black holes with no return of appreciation or love, you should have seen their faces when they got a $.48 WalMart card from me and nothing else but a smiling kindergarten class picture with sticky faces from eating Christmas candy looking back. HooHoHoooHooHo! Merry Christmas! I can hear the bells ringing right now♥

Talk about magic!

Those children wrote me thank you cards, Christmas letters, and bought me flowers and made me cookies. And they were children. And the teacher was poor too. We all know how much teachers in impoverished communities make very little money especially without tenure. I hadnt expected anything from them and gave from my heart. But the reciprocity from this class I still carry as a smile on my face and a memory in my heart. That is what is should be for everyone.

I now have a different experience from the holidays. Some of my family and friends who never gave me anything started giving. There are those members who always gave and nothing ever changed. They were happy to just spend time with me so our reciprical present exchange was just a happy good time. But for those who were not reciprocating started. There was one or two who never did but I cut those strings and I am happier for it. It made room for new goodness in my life.

Merry Christmas!

 

[Tanbellisima]

I agree. I love my neices and nephews. I wouldn't ever choose not to buy something for them. I can't imagine being so anal. While you know that the gift is awesome, there is a good chance they'd have likes something fun...they are kids.

It is more than being "anal". I think you missed an important element in the thread. There is pain of unreturned love and care. Sure for your situation you just give to the kids and move on. But several on this thread need compassion and empathy because they have had their feeling hurt. And some of their children notice also that love is not being returned. A key point to remember in this thread is that it feels good to give AND receive love, time, attention. Pointing out to someone who is in pain that their pain is no big deal is hurtful. I see your point, can you see theirs?

Scrouges and Grinches tend to hurt alot of tender, loving peoples feelings. And when we get right down to it, that is what we are talking about here.

 

[Tanbellisima]

I have no expectations at all when I give someone a gift - none.. Would a "thank you" be nice? Yes.. But I would not stop giving gifts to the people I love because they failed to say thank you - or didn't give a gift in return.. That is a totally foreign concept to me..

So you are saying that you actively love people even if they do not love you back? Actively? And we are not talking about people who love you but have no money to buy a gift, right? You are stating that you give to people who you love and these said people, they have money too, but refuse to give back to you in any way. You're also saying that you give to people who are ill mannered, rude, and disrespectful to you. Hmmmm, yes, this is definitely a foreign concept to me.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Having that problem right now, only I am the "punished" party. I am forgetful and the giver is vindictive. I'm not a fan of the punishment. I am also not a fan of not being given the opportunity to make amends.


There is history though. So I do find the former giver's action to be petty. I still bought for her cats this year. We started that last year as she has no kids. Didn't do it before because we bought for her, but family agreed to only do kids. Perhaps she gave us something in her mother's shipment...but I don't know. She gives my 8 yo sesame street stickers for her birthday which was the day before her birthday party that I drove almost 2000 miles roundtrip by myself to attend. Didn't ask my dd how her birthday was either.

Yeah---she is one of those folks that have "manners" on paper, but who lack any compassion for people she doesn't like.

I won't stop doing something though. In included (an albeit small) giftcard to Starbucks because I know she loves their coffee.

And yes, I am hurt that she has chosen to do nothing for my family. But I won't let it kill my Christmas spirit.

Even when my own family is ready to kill each other, we dont forget people like that.

 

[Tanbellisima]

One year of that would have been enough to be off my list. And there wouldn't be any books next year either. If anything was said , I would say "I assumed you weren't comfortable with exchanging gifts between the cousins as you didn't give DS anything last year and didn't acknowlege our gift to your kids. I didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation. " Boom, done.

Thank you for this. IMO your solution is fantastic!

Merry Christmas!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

To add onto above post...

My BIL delivered us a gift on his business trip up here. I hopped on F/B and did a wall post on his wife's page to thank her for it. We are having an exchange of comments. Former giver puggybacks the post to say she has gifts for them.

Thanks---why not rub my nose in it?

And I will eat my shoe and post a retraction if something arrives...but that is what I am talking about. The vindictiveness of the omission. I don't think anything will come though as I was told last year before Christmas that she was done.

 

[Tanbellisima]

Having that problem right now, only I am the "punished" party. I am forgetful and the giver is vindictive. I'm not a fan of the punishment. I am also not a fan of not being given the opportunity to make amends.


There is history though. So I do find the former giver's action to be petty. I still bought for her cats this year. We started that last year as she has no kids. Didn't do it before because we bought for her, but family agreed to only do kids. Perhaps she gave us something in her mother's shipment...but I don't know. She gives my 8 yo sesame street stickers for her birthday which was the day before her birthday party that I drove almost 2000 miles roundtrip by myself to attend. Didn't ask my dd how her birthday was either.

Yeah---she is one of those folks that have "manners" on paper, but who lack any compassion for people she doesn't like.

I won't stop doing something though. In included (an albeit small) giftcard to Starbucks because I know she loves their coffee.

And yes, I am hurt that she has chosen to do nothing for my family. But I won't let it kill my Christmas spirit.

Even when my own family is ready to kill each other, we dont forget people like that.

This sounds like she has some hurt feeling inside that have nothing to do with you but she uses you as an excuse because you are someone safe she can vent with. You are kind so she feels like she can strike out at you and your family. Maybe you can write her a letter talk about how you feel and tell her you want more from the relationship. Would she ever help you if you all were homeless and needed shelter? If so she is valuable to keep in a relationship for the kids sake. But if you know that she is just being mean and she would not help you then let it go. For go buying her cat food and put that money in a savings account for a rainy day or your family. Don't feel guilty. Relationships should be about love and reciprocity. If her feelings were hurt buy you not buying her a gift last year she will get over it because you do reciprocate sometimes. Like this year. If she really does not have good intentions she will show her true colors in a heart beat after you send her the letter. Be positive in it and also be honest. Tell her (if you mean it) you want a real relationship of love and joy.

And Honey, don't feel guilty about it. You seem very sweet and thoughtful. Alot of people would not have included that Starbucks card.

Merry Christmas

 

[pacrosby]

It is more than being "anal". I think you missed an important element in the thread. There is pain of unreturned love and care. Sure for your situation you just give to the kids and move on. But several on this thread need compassion and empathy because they have had their feeling hurt. And some of their children notice also that love is not being returned. A key point to remember in this thread is that it feels good to give AND receive love, time, attention. Pointing out to someone who is in pain that their pain is no big deal is hurtful. I see your point, can you see theirs?

Scrouges and Grinches tend to hurt alot of tender, loving peoples feelings. And when we get right down to it, that is what we are talking about here.

What confuses me as I read through these posts however is that most posters who are complaining about their ungrateful relatives do not seem to suggest that they have a close loving supportive relationship with those people they are complaining about to begin with. People appear to be giving, sometimes extravagent presents, to people they probably wouldn't even hang out with if they didn't happen to be related to them. Why? I said this in a previous post.......why are you giving so much to people you don't even appear to like all that much? It's baffling to me.

I rid my life of the thorn in my side I call my SIL over 3 yrs ago. It wasn't worth the anxiety and aggravation anymore. She obviously didn't really like or respect me so why were we pretending? Just because she happened to marry my brother? Best thing I ever did. Do I miss my neice and nephew? Sad to say IDK.....truth be told I didn't ever really know them anyway. I miss what we never had yes. But I can't say I miss 'them'. And I don't for a minute think they feel at all slighted by the turn of events. Who was I? Not much more than their father's sister who gave them presents for their birthday and Christmas. No. Presents, people, do not a relationship make.

Family is wonderful when they act like family. When they don't......they don't deserve to be treated as such.

 

[Tanbellisima]

What confuses me as I read through these posts however is that most posters who are complaining about their ungrateful relatives do not seem to suggest that they have a close loving supportive relationship with those people they are complaining about to begin with. People appear to be giving, sometimes extravagent presents, to people they probably wouldn't even hang out with if they didn't happen to be related to them. Why? I said this in a previous post.......why are you giving so much to people you don't even appear to like all that much? It's baffling to me.

I rid my life of the thorn in my side I call my SIL over 3 yrs ago. It wasn't worth the anxiety and aggravation anymore. She obviously didn't really like or respect me so why were we pretending? Just because she happened to marry my brother? Best thing I ever did. Do I miss my neice and nephew? Sad to say IDK.....truth be told I didn't ever really know them anyway. I miss what we never had yes. But I can't say I miss 'them'. And I don't for a minute think they feel at all slighted by the turn of events. Who was I? Not much more than their father's sister who gave them presents for their birthday and Christmas. No. Presents, people, do not a relationship make.

Family is wonderful when they act like family. When they don't......they don't deserve to be treated as such.

If only Pacrosby more of us had your tenacity, temerity, and gumption. You are right that presents do not make a relationship. I think in my experince that I was trying to love people into loving me back in the past. I learned the hard way and thank God I have been able to mature and move to a happy place of reciprocity. I applaud you for doing the necessary for yourself and cutting the strings that bound you in pain. And you make a good point about how you don't really know people, even blood relatives, unless you have a real relationship where everyone is involved and talking openly and giving in a circle of love. Good point. Thanks for sharing.

Merry Christmas!

 

[beansmom]

"gift" someone for the joy of it.
"gift " someone without the expectation of receiving one in return and you will never be disappointed
I no longer "gift" to those I dont want too, end of story

If you are annoyed because the gift is not acknowledged, remove them from your list, simple enough.

ITA! I have scaled way back on gifts for DH's grandkids because they have tons of stuff from both sides of the family AND DH's son NEVER even calls to say thank you or even let me know they received the package. Dh's whole family is like that, however....I think it's soooo weird. If someone sends me a gift, I barely get it open til I at least call and thank them. Last year DSS said...months after the gift...'if it's any consolation, I haven't thank anyone else all year either'. Well, no...actually it's not. It's appallingly ill-mannered.

Now, DMIL will send a lovely note...she's of that generation...and younger DSS will as well. I dunno what happened to the rest of 'em...apparently they flunked outta charm school.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Since you're not FBI, and clearly a bit off the mark... she's saying she gives gifts to give them, without expectation of either gratitude or reciprocation. The absence of both of those things doesn't make the recipients unworthy to receive future gifts in her estimation. I like the way she thinks, personally. She pays it forward.

So you are saying that you actively love people even if they do not love you back? Actively? And we are not talking about people who love you but have no money to buy a gift, right? You are stating that you give to people who you love and these said people, they have money too, but refuse to give back to you in any way. You're also saying that you give to people who are ill mannered, rude, and disrespectful to you. Hmmmm, yes, this is definitely a foreign concept to me.

 

[GinnyEmma]

It is more than being "anal". I think you missed an important element in the thread. There is pain of unreturned love and care. Sure for your situation you just give to the kids and move on. But several on this thread need compassion and empathy because they have had their feeling hurt. And some of their children notice also that love is not being returned. A key point to remember in this thread is that it feels good to give AND receive love, time, attention. Pointing out to someone who is in pain that their pain is no big deal is hurtful. I see your point, can you see theirs?

Scrouges and Grinches tend to hurt alot of tender, loving peoples feelings. And when we get right down to it, that is what we are talking about

When it comes to the kids in my life, I don't give to bribe a reaction from them. So, I think being anal will only hurt little tender hearts who through no fault of their own, lack a social grace.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

After reading this entire thread I went out last night and bought my 2 nephews the biggest, most obnoxious nerf uzi blaster devices for christmas. I bought them player jerseys from their favorite football teams earlier, but this thread made me remember how much fun it was to get a totally outrageous and fun gift from an aunt that your folks would never buy for you. And no, I don't expect gifts in return. I wouldn't even want them to spend their (folks')money on me. I expect them to say, "WOW!" then completely annihilate one another. I fully expect their parents to prompt them to thank me. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

 

[walkdmc]

I've been in your shoes and agree that removing them from your list is appropriate and perhaps one year too late...but it's already done.

If I didn't have a child or if the family was struggling financially, I'd probably feel differently, wouldn't mind as much. But when I buy gifts for another family member's child, I would like my child to get a gift, esp. if you know these people can easily afford it. I think it's very inconsiderate for them to not even acknowledge your gift.

 

[tzolkin]

What confuses me as I read through these posts however is that most posters who are complaining about their ungrateful relatives do not seem to suggest that they have a close loving supportive relationship with those people they are complaining about to begin with. People appear to be giving, sometimes extravagent presents, to people they probably wouldn't even hang out with if they didn't happen to be related to them. Why? I said this in a previous post.......why are you giving so much to people you don't even appear to like all that much? It's baffling to me.

I rid my life of the thorn in my side I call my SIL over 3 yrs ago. It wasn't worth the anxiety and aggravation anymore. She obviously didn't really like or respect me so why were we pretending? Just because she happened to marry my brother? Best thing I ever did. Do I miss my neice and nephew? Sad to say IDK.....truth be told I didn't ever really know them anyway. I miss what we never had yes. But I can't say I miss 'them'. And I don't for a minute think they feel at all slighted by the turn of events. Who was I? Not much more than their father's sister who gave them presents for their birthday and Christmas. No. Presents, people, do not a relationship make.

Family is wonderful when they act like family. When they don't......they don't deserve to be treated as such.

I understand the spirit of your post, but it's really just not that easy for everyone.

My family is very close. If my only interaction with my SIL was sending gifts in the mail I wouldn't do it. But it really would be cruel (IMO) to purposely exclude only her from a family gift exchange. (I have now moved to joint or family gifts instead of giving her something individually.)

My SIL is disrespectful and rude to everyone, but I can't completely avoid her without cutting the rest of my family out of my life as well. Honestly, it would cause more drama and hurt my parents and other family members more if I refused to see them if SIL is present than anything she has done herself.

 

[maddiesmom0116]

What confuses me as I read through these posts however is that most posters who are complaining about their ungrateful relatives do not seem to suggest that they have a close loving supportive relationship with those people they are complaining about to begin with. People appear to be giving, sometimes extravagent presents, to people they probably wouldn't even hang out with if they didn't happen to be related to them. Why? I said this in a previous post.......why are you giving so much to people you don't even appear to like all that much? It's baffling to me.

I rid my life of the thorn in my side I call my SIL over 3 yrs ago. It wasn't worth the anxiety and aggravation anymore. She obviously didn't really like or respect me so why were we pretending? Just because she happened to marry my brother? Best thing I ever did. Do I miss my neice and nephew? Sad to say IDK.....truth be told I didn't ever really know them anyway. I miss what we never had yes. But I can't say I miss 'them'. And I don't for a minute think they feel at all slighted by the turn of events. Who was I? Not much more than their father's sister who gave them presents for their birthday and Christmas. No. Presents, people, do not a relationship make.

Family is wonderful when they act like family. When they don't......they don't deserve to be treated as such.

All family's have their faults, and in some cases it is ungrateful attitudes.
I am one of the previous posters that have an ungrateful 14 year old nephew, who also is disrespectful and when I mentioned Christmas was coming up while he was being rude, he told me I didn't have a choice I have to buy him a present.
I have a close relationship with his older sister and never has she been disrespectful. My sister (his mom) and I also have been close until this incident, she always called me and talked for 30 minutes plus 3 or 4 times a week. She has never said thank you for anything I have ever done for her, even driving 2 hours to pick her kids up at daycare when they were little etc.. It is not in her, she does this with our entire family. You can have a close relationship with someone that is not grateful by overlooking these faults, but everyone has their limits and in my case I reached mine.

 

[EKW]

After reading this entire thread I went out last night and bought my 2 nephews the biggest, most obnoxious nerf uzi blaster devices for christmas. I bought them player jerseys from their favorite football teams earlier, but this thread made me remember how much fun it was to get a totally outrageous and fun gift from an aunt that your folks would never buy for you. And no, I don't expect gifts in return. I wouldn't even want them to spend their (folks')money on me. I expect them to say, "WOW!" then completely annihilate one another. I fully expect their parents to prompt them to thank me. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

Those are lucky boys! I grew up with aunts like you...aunts who repeatedly bowled me over by showering me with time and sometimes "stuff" in a quantity that I could never have earned. In my mind, that's what family is for...they are the people who have a crazy love for you just because you are you!

 

[GinnyEmma]

After reading this entire thread I went out last night and bought my 2 nephews the biggest, most obnoxious nerf uzi blaster devices for christmas. I bought them player jerseys from their favorite football teams earlier, but this thread made me remember how much fun it was to get a totally outrageous and fun gift from an aunt that your folks would never buy for you. And no, I don't expect gifts in return. I wouldn't even want them to spend their (folks')money on me. I expect them to say, "WOW!" then completely annihilate one another. I fully expect their parents to prompt them to thank me. And I'm perfectly ok with that.