When you die.......

[daisax]

Something to note. If your wish is a no code order (let me die), make sure who you designate has the wherewithall to execute such an order. Also understand the burden you place on that person for making such a decision.

That's very true. My best friend is a nurse and I hold her medical power of attorney because she does not trust her husband to be able to pull the plug and she and I feel the same way about all the related issues. It's explicitly stated in her documents that she expects him to abide by my decision and know that I'm acting on HER behalf, and accept it.

Which isn't to say he couldn't refuse anyway and screw the whole thing up, but as of when they had their legal documents drawn up, he understood and acknowledged her wishes fully.

 

[laurie31]

Sorry, but that is truly weird. I have never, ever heard of that in my life. Parents don't have to be named as guardians of their own children (because they already are), nor is it the courts business how the family money is spent. Surviving parents are automatically the custodial parent UNLESS someone challenges their ability to parent (family or child services). And money inherited, unless stated specifically in the will or trust is spent however the surviving spouse wants to.

That's what I thought, but the lawyer had no reson to tell us falsely, since we were already there having the will done; it wasn't like he was trying to drum up business or something. I think the money in question was a life insurance policy that the husband had, but I didn't ask a lot of questions about it, I was only 29 and more concerned about picking out the proper guardians for our still future kids. The obvious choices woud have been one of our brothers, but none of them lie anywhere near here and we didn't want our kids to have to move far away on top of losing us, (losing their friends, music/dance teachers, church, etc. too) so we picked a relative we liked who lives in our town. It was a really hard choice, to think of who could raise your kids in your stead.

 

[dngnb8]

That's very true. My best friend is a nurse and I hold her medical power of attorney because she does not trust her husband to be able to pull the plug and she and I feel the same way about all the related issues. It's explicitly stated in her documents that she expects him to abide by my decision and know that I'm acting on HER behalf, and accept it.

Which isn't to say he couldn't refuse anyway and screw the whole thing up, but as of when they had their legal documents drawn up, he understood and acknowledged her wishes fully.

I had the decision for my Grandpa. My brother was next. Now understand, I used to be a Paramedic, so I had an underlining knowledge of his status. The Dr called my brother and I into the office, gave me the lowdown on his condition. Of course I ran through my mind all the alternatives. My brother thought I was choking on the decision.

When I gave the order and Grandpa passed on, my brother and I left everyone else and so I could decompress. While we were sitting silently over a beer, he asked why I hesitated. I told him, and asked why it mattered. This is what he said to me

"When you hesitated (tears streaming), I thought you were going to defer to me. I almost panicked because I thought there was no way you would be afraid to pull the plug. It was then it hit me, that I might not be able to make the decision as well"

To this day, (that was 1986) I second guess my decision. The rational me says I did the right thing, the emotional me challenges that decision"

 

[minkydog]

However you end up doing this, please make sure that the people you choose actually want to take your children should anything ever happen. Late dh's best friend named us as his children's caretakers in the event of his and his wife's death. We didn't want to do it, but by the time we were told, he had all ready spent the money of getting wills made up.

This is an important point. When we made out our wills, all three of our children were under 18. Our youngest is profoundly mentally handicapped and autistic, so choosing a guardian was complicated. My first choice was my sister and her husband. They are comfortable, own their home, have no children, well-educated, pretty much everything you'd want for your child. Well, my sister called me, very upset because she had to tell me she couldn't take Christian. She was embarrassed and sad because she knew how hard it was for us to even find someone who could be his guardian. But she had to be honest--her husband has no patience with people who have disabilities. I appreciated her honesty and I didn't get mad at her. We chose someone else.

So it was back to the drawing board. What we ended up doing was finding separate guardians for our older kids and Christian, with the understanding that we would expect Christian to be placed in a group home immediately upon our deaths and his guardian will manage his special needs trust.We also put some backups in place. At this point, our two older kids are 18 & 24, so they don't need guardians. We need to update the guardianship papers for Christian. Our financial situation has changed dramatically since our last will was done, so we need to address that too. Since ours is a complicated situation, we'll use an estate attorney.

ETA: My dad died with an invalid will, something he had printed off the internet. He filled it out, but didn't have it notarized so it was kind of a mess when he died, just getting it qualified. The other thing was he didn't use the proper legal language in the will, so it just made the whole situation harder than it needed to be. I vowed that I would do better for my children

 

[Disney Doll]

You need to speak with an attorney. You need to speak with the people you'd like to care for your children to make sure they are OK with it. You need to do this ASAP.

 

[ZandZsMom]

We just recently had wills drawn up to be sure our children went where we want them too. We did not have to name each other as guardian but it is written something like 'in case parent is not willing or able to care of the minor children then "so and so" is named guardian".

I agree with the other posters, have a long conversation with the person your considering. Some people will say yes, off the cuff because they love you and your family. That is not enough though. You need to be clear with how you hope to have your children raised.

We chose my nephew, who is getting married this year. We sat down and talked to him and his fiance' and were clear that should the marraige not last, that we would want the kids to stay with him. Again, he is just getting married so they do not have kids yet...we asked long term things

- Are you REALLY up to loving and caring for older children that are not yours when you have your own?

- Where do you plan on living? It is important to us that while our kids are still young that they have a similar upbringing/enviroment. Ideally, we would like them to stay in the same area and complete elementary school where they are. YES, it is asking alot, but their lives would be changed so drastically w/o us that we want to keep them in a familiar enviroment (fiance' is not from this area so it was very important to us to know where they want to raise their family).

It is alot to think about. We brought the subject up to them and asked them to think about their own questions before we met to discuss it and they came with some good questions and reassurances of their own.

Good Luck

 

[RadioFanatic]

Before you get anything done you need to find out if the person you want to take your kids will do that. I have never heard anyone doing a backup person. We don't have a will just a notarized statement.

We did a combo will, healthcare proxy and who will take the kids - and all were done for about $350 total. And we did have backups for our son - you ust never know what could happen.

 

[RadioFanatic]

We just recently had wills drawn up to be sure our children went where we want them too. We did not have to name each other as guardian but it is written something like 'in case parent is not willing or able to care of the minor children then "so and so" is named guardian".

I agree with the other posters, have a long conversation with the person your considering. Some people will say yes, off the cuff because they love you and your family. That is not enough though. You need to be clear with how you hope to have your children raised.

We chose my nephew, who is getting married this year. We sat down and talked to him and his fiance' and were clear that should the marraige not last, that we would want the kids to stay with him. Again, he is just getting married so they do not have kids yet...we asked long term things - Are you REALLY up to loving and caring for older children that are not yours when you have your own?

- Where do you plan on living? It is important to us that while our kids are still young that they have a similar upbringing/enviroment. Ideally, we would like them to stay in the same area and complete elementary school where they are. YES, it is asking alot, but their lives would be changed so drastically w/o us that we want to keep them in a familiar enviroment (fiance' is not from this area so it was very important to us to know where they want to raise their family).

It is alot to think about. We brought the subject up to them and asked them to think about their own questions before we met to discuss it and they came with some good questions and reassurances of their own.

Good Luck

we were concerned about that - not that we didn't trust the couple, but our son will have a VERY large life insurance policy and you never know what money will do to people. so we did something to protect all that. First, the trustee of the money is different than the guardian of our son - that way with two, common sense should prevail. Second, we only named the actual blood relative of the couple for both our first and second choice. Just to make sure there are no issues.