when parents die, do siblings fight over "stuff"

[Grumpy's Gal]

Just curious. I know that my DH doesn't get along with his crazy family sometimes as it is -- can't imagine the rough time we're going to have when my MIL and FIL are gone from this world. I have a feeling there's going to be a huge fight over "stuff." One of the siblings is really REALLY greedy. ANy ideas on how to avoid this?

 

[golfgal]

I would have the parents put a piece of tape with the name of who gets it on anything of value, sentimental or monetary then there would be no question of who gets what. I know my sisters are going to battle over everything of my parents. I plan to just stay out of it and if I get nothing, oh well. When my grandpa died my oldest sister went into his house when no one else was there and started loading up a UHaul truck. Fortunately my dad got there before they could walk off with too much stuff. I know some of the stuff was suppose to go to other family members. It was really sad.

 

[mickeyboat]

Well, I think it happens in almost every family, even in ones you would never expect.

The way to avoid it is to have the parents be very specific in their wills as to who should have what. Also, they should start giving "stuff" away now to whoever they want to have it, to avoid the craziness later.

I think DH's family will have a tough time when FIL passes away. I might need a long vacation around that time.

Denae

 

[chrissyk]

Your in-laws can attach a distribution schedule to their living trust, spelling out who gets what in terms of material items. The executor would then have to abide by the schedule. That's how I'd do it...that way, there's just no doubt as to who gets what.

 

[Michie]

 

[luvmarypoppins]

The funniest thing we saw so far was all of dh aunts and uncles arguing right over the grave about some clock. One was holding it, saying you take it, another saying you take it etc. At this point I just wanted to walk away. It was really bizzarre. My grandma gave most of her stuff away when she came to live with me. I got just about nothing. I know she gave stuff to people who meant something to her or helped her etc. She gave my cousin all the crystal, china etc. when we were at disney. She said its her wedding present etc. Shes about 45 and not married. I dont know what she will ever do with the stuff. Not to mention she never lifted a finger to help me take care of her grandma too in all the time she lived with us. I have 3 boys and they have the memories of when grandma, their great grandma lived with us. I am not really into things but I would feel bad that probably someone will get all the stuff who is not our relative etc. and doesnt know the story behind some of those things. Its out of my hands. My cousin hasnt spoken to me since my grandmas funeral. What is that saying about not being able to choose your relatives.

 

[Michie]

Sorry hit the reply button too fast.



My Dh, his parents are STILL ALIVE AND HEALTHY. And his brothers and isters are already fighting over things

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I already think that one of the relatives will go over when no one else is there and take stuff. I think that already happens when they are on vacation......sad but true.

 

[Chicago526]

My grandma asked my mom, aunt, and uncle about 10 years ago to start to pick out stuff they'd want when she passes on. While they'd never actually fight over anything, this will (when the time comes) help eliminate any hard feelings over who gets her china (my aunt) and who gets her nifty dinning room table that folds down to the size of a lamp table when the leaves are taken out (my uncle) and stuff like that.

I told my mom I want her Hummel figurines!

Anyway, this is all verbal so I guess they COULD all start to fight over it, but knowing the three of them they never would. But I can see how in other families this would be a problem! If you think it's going to be bad, I'd ask the parents to set something in writing, especially if they want certain things left to certain people.

 

[Bob Slydell]

Sorry hit the reply button too fast.



My Dh, his parents are STILL ALIVE AND HEALTHY. And his brothers and isters are already fighting over things

I was wondering what the was about!

Same thing with my Mom and her siblings, although it's not as much a fight as my grandmother letting her kids get "dibs" on stuff. In general, they've been pretty civil about it. I guess it's better than having them fight once she's passed away.

 

[Honeibee]

My grandmother just went into an assisted living home and sold her house. She was married to my grandfather and had my dad and uncle, then divorced and remarried and had two more kids, Joey and Lisa.

The DAY my grandmother went to the home, Joey and Lisa came over to her house and started taking things. Oh and BTW, Joey and Lisa never came over and visited with her. They wouldn't even sit with her at THEIR FATHERS funeral.

But hey, they were right there to take her furniture, new mini-van that my grandmother said my father could have...

Nice, hu?

DH and I have everything written out in our wills. I mean, you can't cover every single possession, but we specified some things then made one person in charge of the rest.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My mom doesn't have much that we'd fight over. There were really only 3 things that others would consider worthy of wanting. One bedroom set that my oldest sister has been promised, another set that one sister was given (that she then gave to one of her grown sons) and an old sewing machine that the same sister was also given. She was getting ready to give it to her grown daughter when I spoke up and said that I would like it. She did give it to me and delivered it to me from Idaho (the catch is that she also gave me her dog ). The ironic thing is that this is the sister that is on even on speaking terms with our mother. I would love to have the bedroom set that my mom still has, but it was promised to my other sister and I'm fine with that. Hopefully all these things will stay in the family.

The kind of funny thing that my sister and I had been "fighting" about for years was an OLD wooden rolling pin that our mom had gotten for 25 cents from a surplus store when my parents were first married (in the 1940's). The thing is in terrible shape, has a burn mark, etc. But, it symbolizes our mom more than any expensive momento every could. I do think that I get that one day! Besides that, my sister would have gotten rid of it in one of her cleaning out frenzies.

 

[horseshowmom]

Personally, I hope my parents spend every thing they've got and have a wonderful time doing it. It's their money, they earned it, and they ought to be the ones to enjoy it.

Of course, there are some things they can't "spend" (house, vehicles, motorhome, etc.). That's where a will is of the absolute necessity. The will should spell out how everything should be disposed of and that should be their decision.

That said, when my grandmother died, she left 6 children. My parents felt like my aunt should get the majority of everything (I'm not too sure all of the others would have agreed), because she was the one who was here and took care of her the most (my parents are retired in FL). My aunt refused though, and, basically, everything was divided evenly.

 

[Keli]

I expect there will be some fighting when my dh's parents pass since there has been a bit of bickering over 'stuff' now and dh's parents are still here and very much alive. But I don't think it will get very bad, to the point of destroying relationships or anything and I know my dh will stay far, far away from it all. He values his family too much to let 'stuff' come between them.
I think it might be about the same with my family. I want to say that no one would argue or fight over anything but I can't be 100% sure that won't happen. I'm just sure I won't have anything to do with any of it myself and that I'll do everything I can to keep us all together. That would make my parents happy.

 

[denisenh]

Just ask to be removed from their Will and don't get involved.

That's what I did. Money/ things mean very little to me though.

 

[Microcell]

My cousins packed it all up before we could get there to fight, We fight about everything, so I assume there would be.

Emotions run high at times like that, and I can see how easy it would be to fight.

 

[Aidensmom]

When my grandfather died, my grandmother was moved into a nursing home. My mother told us three kids to schedule a time when we could all get together and go through any of the items from the house that were left behind that any of us wanted, and then we could donate the rest. Well, my brother and sister didn't "schedule" anything, they ran over and got anything they could. My mother grabbed a couple of items that they knew my grandparents would want me to have, but besides that, my siblings pretty much cleaned out the house.

My mother took that as a lesson. I am named as getting everything in her will. She knows that I will fairly divide things up among family members, but knows better than to trust my siblings to do the same.

 

[NMAmy]

My grandparents also had us write our names on things we wanted. It got to the point where I was afraid to admire anything in their home when I was a kid because it freaked me out.

When my grandmother died and my grandfather sold their house and most of the items in it, I did get the two things that reminded me most of them: my grandmother's chair (she was very short--it's an antique and lower to the ground than normal) and a picture that hung in their home. I think of them every time I see them.

My mom has been kind of passing some of her stuff out already as she's decluttering her house. My younger sister has always been her favorite child and she was a little miffed when she heard about some of the china my mom gave me. Heck, there must be some advantage to living 10 minutes away from the woman and helping take care of things for her! I really think Mom just didn't feel like packing it up and mailing it to my sister--it's easier to throw stuff in the car and take it over to my house.

 

[mrsv98]

OMG, I worked for a probate attorney this past summer and you would not BELIEVE what "family" will do to each other, and not for huge estates either. People get nuts about little things just as much as multi-million dollar estates. Geesh!

I am really pushing DDad to get his will in order. He is fine and healthy right now but his wife is a piece of work and we don't want to have to deal with her if at all possible.

 

[SpecialK]

Oldest sister, the one who never calls, visits or lifts a finger to help elderly parent, has told my sister and me that she is "entitled" to a third of whatever is in the house. There are a few things that have sentimental value to me that I would like to keep when the time comes. Other than that, it's just stuff - the older I get the less I care about it.