When in laws cause problems

[ksjayhawks]

I am glad that you have resolved this.

I would hope your dh won't blame this on you even though you said he could. What he needs to say is "WE have discussed you staying in our home while we are gone and the answer is no." Then he says no more and repeats this sentence one or two more times if brother persists before ending the discussion with "WE have given you our answer, the matter is closed."

Hoping you have an enjoyable trip.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

UPDATE DH and I just had a very long and awkward conversation. BIL is not staying. DH talked to a buddy, calmed down and needed a day to see my side. He apologized for the way he trwated me yesterday which was totally unlike him to talk to me like that. He said he was tired and really couldn't understand what the big deal was and also didn't want to have to tell BIL no. He said absolutely not to giving BIl money for a hotel. His words "he works full time he can afford a hotel" I said yeah think about that for a minute, he'd rathee just use your bed for free. I started feeling myself feeling guilty about him now having to tell BIL no but DH was just like I'll just tell him again we already made arrangements. My girlfriend pointed out maybe he never wanted BIL to stay. His initial reaction was heck no! Then I caved and maybe he realized he really doesn't want him here either. I said we have given him numerous rides. Money. My husbands bike. I draw the line at my home. I will not stand between you and your brother and anyway you want to help him within a reasonable way. But the line is my home. He agreed. Now I'm not stupid and after yesterday I told him I can't trust him or BIL to make arrangements behind my back. He said he would never do that and told me to make sure my sister comes to feed the cat. She loves next door so I will know if he shows up and husband knows that. I am crying I am so relieved right now. More so for the safety of my cat and my mattress.

Oh, so HAPPY to read this.

 

[Rhombus]

Glad to hear that hubby came around to your side.

I curious as to how BIL is going to react.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Curious to BiL's reaction too.

 

[diznygirl]

Curious to BiL's reaction too.

He'll be madder than a hornet's nest. He will yell and scream and curse at his bother, he will call OP every foul name in the books. He will try to leverage the man card and blood and religion and anything else he can think of. Then the brother will get the family involved - expect an angry phone call from MIL. This isn't over.

Been there, done that. Blocked the miserable leech in every possible way I could think of.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He'll be madder than a hornet's nest. He will yell and scream and curse at his bother, he will call OP every foul name in the books. He will try to leverage the man card and blood and religion and anything else he can think of. Then the brother will get the family involved - expect an angry phone call from MIL. This isn't over.

Been there, done that. Blocked the miserable leech in every possible way I could think of.

IF OP's BIL does this, the obvious retort (hopefully) from his brother should come to the defense of his wife oh and BTW, do not ask me for another thing. Money, rides, etc? Stuff it buddy.

 

[diznygirl]

IF OP's BIL does this, the obvious retort (hopefully) from his brother should come to the defense of his wife oh and BTW, do not ask me for another thing. Money, rides, etc? Stuff it buddy.

True. It's really amazing how the moochers will find another mark once they know one has dried up. There have many people in - and out! - of my brother's life, but there is always someone new who believe his sob story. It's even better when you can mention how mean your family has been to you. The OP's husband would be doing him a favor! LOL

 

[jdb in AZ]

True. It's really amazing how the moochers will find another mark once they know one has dried up. There have many people in - and out! - of my brother's life, but there is always someone new who believe his sob story. It's even better when you can mention how mean your family has been to you. The OP's husband would be doing him a favor! LOL

I'm sure our family moocher has been whining to his friends about how awful we've treated him. Of course he doesn't mention how he's treated us. It's all about himself as the victim.

 

[Tonka's Skipper]

I'm going to let out a little vent here. My BIL is 40 years old, has been couch and job hopping since he was in his late teens. Has never held down a job for more than a few months and has never had his own apartment or house. He has gone from living at home, to grandparents, uncles, friends, girlfriends parents, back with his mom now. He has asked us several times if he could stay on our couch or in our garage...My husband said he'd be ok with it but I am not. He continues to ask even though the answer from me continues to be no. My children are 14 and 10 and they have met him maybe 5 times. It would be no different than inviting a stranger to come live with us. He is a slob and doesn't even pay rent when he does stay on someones couch. I am not supporting him, nor do I feel bad for the situation he is in. He is not homeless because of bad luck, he is homeless because of the consistent bad choices he has made. How is this my responsibility? He is always asking for a ride, money, place to stay etc. Every person in my husbands family has enabled him to the point that he now feels entitled to everyone else's stuff. I am the only one that does not feel sorry for him in the least. He will work for a few months, blow his money on video games and concerts, has a restricted license because he owes so many DMV fines, then he'll get lazy and quit the next job.

Yesterday he TOLD me he was thinking about house sitting for us while we are in Disney at the end of the month. He totally put me on the spot in front of their family and mine at our daughters birthday party. He even suggested it as if he was doing me a favor by staying in my house for the week. Then he says "I'll bring my own bed sheets for when my girlfriend comes". I swear on my children I could not make this up if I tried. Long story short, his girlfriend lives 5 hours away because her parents got sick of him mooching off them and kicked him out, so he came back here to live with MIL (after we told him no several times)

His girlfriend still lives with her parents (also 36 year old) but apparently they had enough of supporting him and finally kicked him out. His plan is for them to basically bum around my home for a week so they can have a place to themselves for a bit. He tried to make me feel guilty by telling me how awful it is at his moms. To me the perfect solution to that would be to get a job and get your own place for once in your life but what do I know.

After the party I told my husband I thought it was incredibly rude for his brother to put me on the spot like that in front of everyone. My husband doesn't seem to think its a big deal at all and that we should just let him stay. If he stays 1 week he may never leave! He lived with his girlfriends parents for the better part of 10 years! This continues to be an issue for my husband and I whenever it is brought up or he asks again. My husband gets very defensive when it comes to his older brother. I love my brother too but I am not blind to his behavior either.

Frankly the worse thing you could do for your BIL and yourselve and family is say Yes!

In fact the family is doing him harm by saying Yes!

He needs to grow up and learn to make a living and support himself.

Bottom line here is.... I am in your corner keep saying no !

Tell you neighbors if he shows up at your home while your away at WDW.......ask them to call you and then call him and tell.him to get out.

If he doesn't leave, call the police.

AKK

 

[DizBelle]

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thrilled at the outcome. I hope you can enjoy your vacation now.

 

[lauradis]

I haven't read pass the first page.

There is no way in hell that my husband would ever put me in this position, ever never ever.

I'm sorry honey but it sounds like you married a weak man.

 

[Disney Doll]

Glad this worked out OP but your problem is with your husband not your BIL.

And I can tell you in no uncertain terms that I might do this vacation to enjoy time with my family of origin and my children, but when we got back, at the very least there'd be a whole lot of counseling going on for my husband because I couldn't care less how he was raised, what he's lived with or anything else. I would tell him that flew a little too close to the sun with his defense of his brother at my expense and he'd damn well know about and understand VERY CLEARLY the ramifications if that ever happened again.

And those ramifications would be "your wife and children or your brother". And my husband knows me well enough to know that I don't give an ultimatum unless I am prepared to
Follow through.

 

[Tigerlulu]

I think the fact that your hubs came to you and apologized, thought it through and decided to say no and then had a logical discussion with you without you having to pursue it with him speaks volumes. He's not perfect. He could have made better choices and used better language and respected you more. But forgiveness is a real thing that everyone needs at some point in their life and if his heart is truly in the right place only you know if you can offer that to him. Every marriage had hard times. I hope healing can take place and make the two of you stronger. Good luck moving forward!

 

[KiwiMouseGirl]

The fact that he even suggested that he'd "bring his own sheets for when his girlfriend comes over" disgusts me! I house sit for people frequently while they are away on trips (and get payed to do so) because I am responsible, treat their house and belongings with respect and take care of their animals as if they were my own fur babies. The reason I get payed (mainly just petrol money) is because people feel at ease knowing that their house, pets and mail is in good hands and that they will come home to a clean home and happy animals. I never have anyone come to stay at the house with me. He obviously doesn't understand that "house sitting" in no way means freeloading!!!!

 

[jdb in AZ]

The fact that he even suggested that he'd "bring his own sheets for when his girlfriend comes over" disgusts me! I house sit for people frequently while they are away on trips (and get payed to do so) because I am responsible, treat their house and belongings with respect and take care of their animals as if they were my own fur babies. The reason I get payed (mainly just petrol money) is because people feel at ease knowing that their house, pets and mail is in good hands and that they will come home to a clean home and happy animals. I never have anyone come to stay at the house with me. He obviously doesn't understand that "house sitting" in no way means freeloading!!!!

He's been freeloading for years, even when he isn't house sitting.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

The fact that he even suggested that he'd "bring his own sheets for when his girlfriend comes over" disgusts me! I house sit for people frequently while they are away on trips (and get payed to do so) because I am responsible, treat their house and belongings with respect and take care of their animals as if they were my own fur babies. The reason I get payed (mainly just petrol money) is because people feel at ease knowing that their house, pets and mail is in good hands and that they will come home to a clean home and happy animals. I never have anyone come to stay at the house with me. He obviously doesn't understand that "house sitting" in no way means freeloading!!!!

No he doesn't want to house sit, he wants to crash. I never asked him to house sit, he "offered" as if he was doing us a favor!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

DH has not told his brother yet as far as I know, he said he thinks BIL is getting the hint since he was told no numerous times and basically ignored the last time. BIL did contact DH but didn't mention "house sitting"...instead he talked about how he needs a couple thousand dollars to get his own place where his girlfriend lives and he can't possibly live with MIL any more because MIL is now "hounding" him for rent money and he HAD to get his own internet for $40 a month.

 

[Vernie822]

Ugh! That makes me nuts! I don't even know the guy LOL.

Well your trip has to be SOON right!? Like this week!? I'm excited for you guys!!

 

[PlutoPony]

BIL did contact DH but didn't mention "house sitting"...instead he talked about how he needs a couple thousand dollars to get his own place where his girlfriend lives and he can't possibly live with MIL any more because MIL is now "hounding" him for rent money and he HAD to get his own internet for $40 a month.

Well that was pretty predictable wasn't it?! How would he feel about an apartment complex "hounding" him for rent each month - any different than MIL doing the same? lol.

Realize any $ you give him is a GIFT not a LOAN - be realistic about that. If BIL has poor credit, renting may be a challenge. Hopefully your husband knows not to co-sign a lease agreement for BIL - might want to plant that seed now just in case. Kind of a preemptive strike, kwim? I'd probably draw a line in the sand about that - even more so than them "housesitting". The potential for substantial loss of $ and hits to your credit rating is pretty high if your husband's name in on a lease with him imho.

ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Ugh! That makes me nuts! I don't even know the guy LOL.

Well your trip has to be SOON right!? Like this week!? I'm excited for you guys!!

we leave Wednesday Yes he drives me crazy. It never ends with this man.