When in laws cause problems

[DizBelle]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "you may want to help and enable your brother but I'm afraid I wont be able to take part in that so if that is what you want to do you'll have to share an apartment with him to do it"

Absolutely not unreasonable!

 

[Disneybuckeye]

What if you tried a different approach. Instead of giving him money towards a hotel for the week, offer to give him $1000 or so as a deposit/last months rent on an apartment. He is working now and the GF must have some money if she is paying for his car. Tell your husband that a week at your house or an apartment is just a band aid. Helping him get out on his own is the real issue that you should be helping him with.

Just don't sign any paperwork for him. The GF must have credit and she can be on the lease if necessary. This keeps him out of your house and then you can announce at the next family gathering how you helped get him back on his feet.

 

[DizBelle]

I could afford a week for him to stay a non luxurious local motel for a week. I'm doing some research now.

I'm gong on the trip regardless of what happens, this is the first and probably only time my entire family- mom and aunts will be going with us. In the last couple of years we've lost 3 family members (my aunt and uncle died 2 days apart suddenly and unexpectedly leaving behind 4 kids) then another uncle died 4 months later after a long battle with cancer. My family needs this - and I'm not ruining that for them or me because of his family issues. I'm just hoping I can get this resolved before we go.

No my husband doesn't see the issue with the cat, because....and I quote "he is 39 year old, he can handle a cat".

But can the cat handle him? What will DH do when you all come home and the cat is gone and the house in shambles and all the valuables sold?

I am truly disgusted with how your DH is treating you.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm sure he could handle a cat. It's the WAY he would handle the cat that would worry me.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "you may want to help and enable your brother but I'm afraid I wont be able to take part in that so if that is what you want to do you'll have to share an apartment with him to do it"

NOPE! Not at all. You've tried talking "reasonably" to him and that hasn't gotten you anywhere. I wouldn't hesitate to say something drastic like this, although I'm not sure how you could get him to actually do it.

On top of all the other issues you mentioned, the whole cat issue would push me over the edge. I just cannot relax and feel at ease if I'm not 100% certain my pets are safe (either with a trusted family member or at a well-run boarding facility). I am SOOOO sorry you are dealing with this, OP. It is tremendously unfair for your husband to have put you in this position. You should be getting exciting about your trip, not dealing with this crazy amount of stress. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I hope you are successful in standing your ground. I agree with you--I couldn't imagine canceling an extended-family trip as you've described, but I think I would do just about anything else to make this my "hill to die on."

 

[Colargol]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "you may want to help and enable your brother but I'm afraid I wont be able to take part in that so if that is what you want to do you'll have to share an apartment with him to do it"

No, not unreasonable at all. But by saying so now, when the situation already is heated, and you are about to leave for a holiday, I would probably opt for a less confronting message; something about meeting halfway (pay for BIL to stay at motel), as that would be the closest you get in satisfying both you and your husband, and then later on, if DH still insists in taking care of brother, you can let him know that he has to choose between you and BIl. Hopefully, you will be able to go to some counselling before it gets that far.

 

[robinb]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "you may want to help and enable your brother but I'm afraid I wont be able to take part in that so if that is what you want to do you'll have to share an apartment with him to do it"

If you want to save your marriage, yes it's unreasonable.

Please don't let a bunch of strangers on the DIS goad you into saying or doing something that will make this situation worse than it already is. {{hugs}}

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I guess I'm in the minority, because I wouldn't part with 50 cents to pay for a hotel or anything else for BIL, just on principle. If it meant I took a financial loss to cancel the vacation, fine.

Some might point out that canceling the vacation will cost more than paying for his hotel, but that's just looking at finances and this problem is bigger than finances. Much bigger.

Again, if my husband called me a name for taking a reasonable position, I wouldn't go on vacation with him. He would disgust me.

I dont really want to go any where with him either but I do want to go with my kids, my mom and aunts. I want to go with them more than I don't want to go with him...if that makes any sense?

 

[diznygirl]

I dont really want to go any where with him either but I do want to go with my kids, my mom and aunts. I want to go with them more than I don't want to go with him...if that makes any sense?

Totally understand. Tell him a good compromise would be that he stay home to chaperone his brother.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

Is there any way your trip can just be postponed until this mess can be cleared up? You totally deserve your vacation, but I know I couldn't enjoy myself worrying about what's happening in my home, dealing with DH's crummy attitude towards you and your kids, and worrying what BIL may do to harm your cat. Just not worth going right now. Maybe after some marriage counselling.....DH seems more concerned with making his DB happy than his wife and kids.

 

[barkley]

What if you tried a different approach. Instead of giving him money towards a hotel for the week, offer to give him $1000 or so as a deposit/last months rent on an apartment. He is working now and the GF must have some money if she is paying for his car. Tell your husband that a week at your house or an apartment is just a band aid. Helping him get out on his own is the real issue that you should be helping him with.

Just don't sign any paperwork for him. The GF must have credit and she can be on the lease if necessary. This keeps him out of your house and then you can announce at the next family gathering how you helped get him back on his feet.

oh PLEASE DO NOT GO THIS ROUTE. this guy won't stay anywhere he has to pay for, and even the places he's not being charged for (mom's) he won't stay at-he WANTS the op's home/lifestyle on the op's dime. the money for housing would be money in the toilet-first off he's probably got no decent credit or rental history (couch surfing, mooching and multiple jobs don't garner high credit scores) to get a place so he'll hit up the op's husband to co-sign and then they will be on the hook for all the unpaid rent, damages and legal proceedings that follow.

not trying to be a 'negative nelly' but a family member tried this w/my brother-THANK GOD they didn't associate their name w/his on the rental agreement. he NEVER paid rent after the family member paid the first month's payment. ran up tens of thousands in rent and utility bills while the landlord worked to evict him (he knew how to play free legal services just like he played certain family/friends). I don't even want to think what kind of damage the slob did to the place.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Is there any way your trip can just be postponed until this mess can be cleared up? You totally deserve your vacation, but I know I couldn't enjoy myself worrying about what's happening in my home, dealing with DH's crummy attitude towards you and your kids, and worrying what BIL may do to harm your cat. Just not worth going right now. Maybe after some marriage counselling.....DH seems more concerned with making his DB happy than his wife and kids.

The OP is going with extended family (on her side) and can't postpone.

 

[Vernie822]

I would hate to see him stay home with his brother, but that could get your point across. Plus, I wouldn't want your kids to be upset because their dad couldn't go on the trip. I would have a tough time biting the bullet for a cheap hotel/motel even if it's only a few hundred dollars, simply on principle that he doesn't deserve the handout.

I too have lost many family members in recent years and it's always so refreshing for my mom, aunts, whoever, to get some time away after dealing with rough times. You and your family, and your kids, deserve this time together. Don't let one sorry person's actions ruin a magical trip for the rest of you!

 

[barkley]

o/p-just curious. do you think your husband will even consider sending the brother to a hotel or do you think this is his 'line in the sand'? before you exert a bunch of time, energy and emotion researching places/costs you might want to find out if it's even a consideration as far as your husband is concerned.

take care.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, sorry to read your update. I hope you come back with better news.

Not sure what I would do in this situation, but it would not be pretty for sure.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

o/p-just curious. do you think your husband will even consider sending the brother to a hotel or do you think this is his 'line in the sand'? before you exert a bunch of time, energy and emotion researching places/costs you might want to find out if it's even a consideration as far as your husband is concerned.

take care.

I did send him a quick text and I said I think this is an option to make everyone happy,...either he is busy or he is giving me the silent treatment because he has not responded. Honestly, no I don't think he'll go for it.

 

[EMom]

I dont really want to go any where with him either but I do want to go with my kids, my mom and aunts. I want to go with them more than I don't want to go with him...if that makes any sense?

It makes perfect sense. You are torn. And I think BIL counted on that.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but I do see a HUGE problem. Your DH has shown that when push comes to shove, he will choose his brother over his wife/kids/marriage. His brother is a master manipulator and you are outmatched. Logic and reason have gotten you nowhere because your BIL has your DH's heart in his hand. At this point, even if your DH swears your BIL will not stay in your house, you will not be able to believe a word he says.

He has bought into your BIL's "I'm so needy and a victim of circumstance" speech and sees YOU as the enemy now. YOU are out to get his brother, just like all the other unreasonable people who won't support him financially, such as the horrible roommate of MIL who dares to ask he pay 1/3 of the rent. It's his brother against the world and he is firmly on his brother's side now. IMHO, I see this as a much bigger issue than whether to go on vacation or not, or whether to fund a week's stay at a hotel.

That is why I (just me) would cancel the vacation. One, I wouldn't want to spend time and money going someplace with a husband who will cuss me and never blink. Two, the vacation is a piddly concern compared to the real issue, which is that your DH has lost all the progress he's made over the years and is treating you with zero respect because his real loyalty is to his useless brother. The BIL is no longer your main problem...Your DH just graduated to that position.

Your BIL has already won, at this point. He has turned your DH against you and made you the bad guy. He has just won another convert, who has a job and can house him and pay his bills. Life is good for BIL and DH gets to feel like a hero. This is why I would die on this hill. Either that, or get used to being an ATM and hotel.

You're not me. It's your life and you have to live with what happens, not me.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Is there any way your trip can just be postponed until this mess can be cleared up? You totally deserve your vacation, but I know I couldn't enjoy myself worrying about what's happening in my home, dealing with DH's crummy attitude towards you and your kids, and worrying what BIL may do to harm your cat. Just not worth going right now. Maybe after some marriage counselling.....DH seems more concerned with making his DB happy than his wife and kids.

we can't, we are on free dining and the kids are back to school the week after we get back...we have several people going with us, taking off work ect.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

It makes perfect sense. You are torn. And I think BIL counted on that.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but I do see a HUGE problem. Your DH has shown that when push comes to shove, he will choose his brother over his wife/kids/marriage. His brother is a master manipulator and you are outmatched. Logic and reason have gotten you nowhere because your BIL has your DH's heart in his hand. At this point, even if your DH swears your BIL will not stay in your house, you will not be able to believe a word he says.

He has bought into your BIL's "I'm so needy and a victim of circumstance" speech and sees YOU as the enemy now. YOU are out to get his brother, just like all the other unreasonable people who won't support him financially, such as the horrible roommate of MIL who dares to ask he pay 1/3 of the rent. It's his brother against the world and he is firmly on his brother's side now. IMHO, I see this as a much bigger issue that whether to go on vacation or not, or whether to fund a week's stay at a hotel.

That is why I (just me) would cancel the vacation. One, I wouldn't want to spend time and money going someplace with a husband who will cuss me and never blink. Two, the vacation is a piddly concern compared to the real issue, which is that your DH has lost all the progress he's made over the years and is treating you with zero respect because his real loyalty is to his useless brother. The BIL is no longer your main problem...Your DH just graduated to that position.

Your BIL has already won, at this point. He has turned your DH against you and made you the bad guy. He has just won another convert, who has a job and can house him and pay his bills. Life is good for BIL and DH gets to feel like a hero. This is why I would die on this hill. Either that, or get used to being an ATM and hotel.

You're not me. It's your life and you have to live with what happens, not me.

That is exactly how I feel. I'm wondering what kind of response I'd get if I confront his brother myself? Things can't possibly get worse right? He knows exactly what he is doing...asking me in front of the family after he was told no, was told no again, then waited 2 weeks and then text DH again giving him the "I'm being treated so horribly here, they don't even have hi-speed internet!!!!!" speech - its all part of his plan and knowing my husband amazingly guilt trips don't work on him when it comes to our children, but his brother or his mom? It's like magic. So he knew after he got no where with me, all he had to do was work my husband a little bit more, and yes now I am one of the evil people out to get his brother, I'm the cold hearted blanking blank. And you know I dont even look at his brother as a master manipulator because to me it so freaking obvious he doesn't even try to hide it!

 

[barkley]

It makes perfect sense. You are torn. And I think BIL counted on that.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but I do see a HUGE problem. Your DH has shown that when push comes to shove, he will choose his brother over his wife/kids/marriage. His brother is a master manipulator and you are outmatched. Logic and reason have gotten you nowhere because your BIL has your DH's heart in his hand. At this point, even if your DH swears your BIL will not stay in your house, you will not be able to believe a word he says.

He has bought into your BIL's "I'm so needy and a victim of circumstance" speech and sees YOU as the enemy now. YOU are out to get his brother, just like all the other unreasonable people who won't support him financially, such as the horrible roommate of MIL who dares to ask he pay 1/3 of the rent. It's his brother against the world and he is firmly on his brother's side now. IMHO, I see this as a much bigger issue that whether to go on vacation or not, or whether to fund a week's stay at a hotel.

That is why I (just me) would cancel the vacation. One, I wouldn't want to spend time and money going someplace with a husband who will cuss me and never blink. Two, the vacation is a piddly concern compared to the real issue, which is that your DH has lost all the progress he's made over the years and is treating you with zero respect because his real loyalty is to his useless brother. The BIL is no longer your main problem...Your DH just graduated to that position.

Your BIL has already won, at this point. He has turned your DH against you and made you the bad guy. He has just won another convert, who has a job and can house him and pay his bills. Life is good for BIL and DH gets to feel like a hero. This is why I would die on this hill. Either that, or get used to being an ATM and hotel.

You're not me. It's your life and you have to live with what happens, not me.

not being sexist w/this statement BUT I strongly suspect the bil is likely also using the "P" card (and not talking about the op's actual cat) w/his brother. combining the "I'm a victim you as my only hero can save" line along w/ the "some man you are-you're letting your wife make the call-how whipped is THAT" is a powerful one two punch that the saavy couch surfing moocher knows well how to employ w/no regard to the marital damage it creates for others.