When friends divorce

[RadioNate]

How have you delt with friends divorcing?

We are currently on our 3rd set and I really don't want to deal with this again! I know what *we* go through is nothing compaired to the people actually getting divorced but it is still difficult.

I would NEVER never say this to my friends so I bring it to the Dis. I don't want to lose a friend, I don't want all the drama and mostly I don't want things to change.

I guess I just don't like change.

 

[RitaZ.]

My brother and my SIL are getting divorced. I haven't talked to my SIL since I found out. I don't want to say the "wrong" thing, so I'll say nothing for now. My SIL can be annnoying, but I got along with her and she is a good person. My kids will be upset when they find out about their divorce.

In your situation, it may be possible to remain friends with the couple. I guess it all depends on the circumstances surrounding the divorce. Even when divorce is the right choice, it is emotionally upsetting for family and friends.

 

[jajuan]

I am the divorced friend. Luckily, we have kept the same friends. Maybe not at the same capacity as before...but there hasn't been much of a change. I am still great friends with my ex-SIL. We talk every week. Good luck...I know it is hard.

 

[RadioNate]

Unfortunately, I don't think we will stay friends SHE won't talk to anyone who even remotely associates with him and since I do occasional consulting work for the company he works for (we do not work for directly) I'm out! The thing is SHE did the leaving (and cheating).

I know they are trying to move on with their lives etc but I didn't do anything wrong. I'm left feeling that my friendship wasn't worth anything to them. I guess it shouldn't be a huge suprise since their own marriage wasn't worth that much to them either.

I feel badly for my DS too. These are people that he knew well and liked. They would come to his events and would play with him at our house. He is a little young to understand divorce (5) and why his friend would pretend he doesn't exist anymore.

In this situation my DH is also really close with the husband. He ran into the wife at the airport and she pretended that she didn't see him. She later told another mutual friend that she did see him.

 

[RadioNate]

I am the divorced friend. Luckily, we have kept the same friends. Maybe not at the same capacity as before...but there hasn't been much of a change. I am still great friends with my ex-SIL. We talk every week. Good luck...I know it is hard.

I don't it is really hard on the people divorcing. I wouldn't ever tell them my feelings. I'm glad you stayed friends, I'm sure it means a lot to the people in your lives.

This is our 3rd set to divorce and we've always lost one friend in the process. In all 3 cases cheating or a 3rd party has been involved so maybe that plays into it. 2 of the 3 have also been really ugly divorces.

I really try to stay out of the drama. Maybe that is my problem.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I'm the divorced friend too.

I've had friends divorce, but I was never friends with both parties. Not yet anyway. Hopefully never.

 

[jajuan]

I guess you're right. When "our" friends were trying to figure out who they could hang out with and when without upsetting one of us...I just told them do what they need to do. I was happy to attend parties with both of us invited or I would not have felt bad to be left out for their comfort zone. Our divorce was messy and was bad for a while...but I hope that we have come through it and made our friends as comfortable is possible. Good luck!

 

[NMAmy]

I'm left feeling that my friendship wasn't worth anything to them. I guess it shouldn't be a huge suprise since their own marriage wasn't worth that much to them either.

That's pretty harsh.

Honestly, when I was going through my divorce I was having a hard enough time adjusting to the enormous changes my own life was undergoing to worry about how it effected my friends. When you're divorcing, your first priority is to take care of your children and yourself.

Luckily, I had friends who bent over backward to support me and realized that my life wasn't always going to be this dramatic. It's hard and sometimes you DO have to choose between them. But, life is full of change. There's really no way to avoid that completely.

 

[DisneyDotty]

Hey OP--I'm feeling your pain. Good friends with whom we vacation, hang out on Saturday nights, their kids and ours are best friends--you get the picture--just told us they're divorcing. We didn't see this coming at all. And while I feel horrible for their heartache (especially the kids'), I'm feeling a bit selfish, too. What about all our annual trips we did together? What about our Saturday nights?
I'm not privvy to all the details, so I truly don't understand the reasons for the divorce, although they said it wasn't due to infidelity/abuse (they're claiming they just grew apart.) How does a couple with kids just decide--that's it, we're not trying anymore? I'm using the Dis as a shoulder 'cause I can't talk to anyone about this. And my DH is as befuddled as I am about the whole thing.

 

[RadioNate]

That's pretty harsh.

Honestly, when I was going through my divorce I was having a hard enough time adjusting to the enormous changes my own life was undergoing to worry about how it effected my friends. When you're divorcing, your first priority is to take care of your children and yourself.

Luckily, I had friends who bent over backward to support me and realized that my life wasn't always going to be this dramatic. It's hard and sometimes you DO have to choose between them. But, life is full of change. There's really no way to avoid that completely.

There are no children involved. And I said I would never take this too them. I HAVE tried to support my friend but it is hard when SHE refuses to speak to me because I have spoken to her soon to be ex-husband.

That is what I don't understand. SHE left him, she cheated on him yet I have offered to help her in any way I can (via email and voicemail) yet, she won't take my calls and told a mutual friend that she'll never speak to me again because I'm on 'his' side.

THAT is what I don't get. Yes I am upset, this is someone I trusted and cared about and they are acting like *I* did something wrong when I knew nothing about the situation.

 

[NMAmy]

There are no children involved. And I said I would never take this too them. I HAVE tried to support my friend but it is hard when SHE refuses to speak to me because I have spoken to her soon to be ex-husband.

That is what I don't understand. SHE left him, she cheated on him yet I have offered to help her in any way I can (via email and voicemail) yet, she won't take my calls and told a mutual friend that she'll never speak to me again because I'm on 'his' side.

THAT is what I don't get. Yes I am upset, this is someone I trusted and cared about and they are acting like *I* did something wrong when I knew nothing about the situation.

I can only go by my own personal experience but my ex had an affair and lied not only to me, but also to all our friends. When we divorced, he cut off all contact with them because he felt guilty for what he had done. With new friends, he was able to gloss over the reasons for the divorce because they weren't in the know and voila...no guilt. Perhaps your friend is doing something similar.

 

[stargrazer]

I understand! My situation is new to me, though...

GirlFriend was not happy for a long time with her DH and has been cheating on him for awhile. I really like her DH and I hated it, told her I hated it, but felt like it wasn't my place to say anything - I care about both of them.

Long story short, he found out and disowned all the mutual friends that knew and never told him. I told the DH that I didn't have all the details (I did) but that GF and I had kind of fallen apart over the last six months because of it (which is true), so he kept me as the only friend.

Now I find myself not wanting to talk to GF anymore and wanting to keep the friendship with her DH instead. It's hard, and it's terrible that in some cases you have to 'choose' your friendship after the break but I'd rather have one of them as a friend than neither of them.

IMO.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

To the OP I would just let her friendship go. Sounds like she's not someone that you would be able to trust anymore if she's taken this approach against you and your dh. Maybe in time she'll change her mind, but for now atleast you should just let her go and stay friends with the dh with no feelings of guilt if that's what you wanted to do anyway.

 

[RadioNate]

Hey OP--I'm feeling your pain. Good friends with whom we vacation, hang out on Saturday nights, their kids and ours are best friends--you get the picture--just told us they're divorcing. We didn't see this coming at all. And while I feel horrible for their heartache (especially the kids'), I'm feeling a bit selfish, too. What about all our annual trips we did together? What about our Saturday nights?
I'm not privvy to all the details, so I truly don't understand the reasons for the divorce, although they said it wasn't due to infidelity/abuse (they're claiming they just grew apart.) How does a couple with kids just decide--that's it, we're not trying anymore? I'm using the Dis as a shoulder 'cause I can't talk to anyone about this. And my DH is as befuddled as I am about the whole thing.

It is very similar. I know I'm being selfish but I didn't ask to lose my friend. We didn't see this divorce coming either. They don't have any children but same thing...vacationed together, went to dinner weekly, hung out on weekends...all that.

She left a few weeks ago and already has a 'more than a friend' hanging around. I've said cheating in other posts but I'm actually not 100% on that but it has been less than a month and she is already dating. For them there was no trying. She announced one night she was leaving and the next day moved out. I don't get it at all.

Like you I wouldn't EVER dream of telling either one of them this but I'm hurt and confused too. I can't even be a support to her because she refuses to talk to me. I think hearing her side from her might help but it is like I don't exist any more and that hurts.

 

[RitaZ.]

That is what I don't understand. SHE left him, she cheated on him yet I have offered to help her in any way I can (via email and voicemail) yet, she won't take my calls and told a mutual friend that she'll never speak to me again because I'm on 'his' side.

THAT is what I don't get.

Maybe she is using that as an excuse to avoid you. Perhaps she can't "face" you because she feels ashamed that you know that she is the one that cheated. Her lack of response probably has nothing to do with you, it's probably something within herself.

 

[DisneyDotty]

RN--the problem here is there is no way to avoid "choosing sides." We like both of them--were friends with both, but inevitably we'll be inviting one over first, or talking to one without the other around, so there will be suspicion, accusations, questions.
I hate this. I really do. And some will say I'm being selfish--I admit, yes, I am. But what they have done affects more than just the two of them. And she's busy defending herself, saying she can finally be happy again. I guess it would help if I could understand why she was unhappy!
BTW--thanks for starting this thread. I've been needing to hash this out!

 

[Robinrs]

I'm 50 and ALL of my friends are divorced. Some are remarried but none are on their first marriage. I generally had a relationship with one of the people beforehand and stay friends with that person.

 

[Debbie Jean]

Unfortunately, I don't think we will stay friends SHE won't talk to anyone who even remotely associates with him and since I do occasional consulting work for the company he works for (we do not work for directly) I'm out! The thing is SHE did the leaving (and cheating).
I know they are trying to move on with their lives etc but I didn't do anything wrong. I'm left feeling that my friendship wasn't worth anything to them. I guess it shouldn't be a huge suprise since their own marriage wasn't worth that much to them either.

I feel badly for my DS too. These are people that he knew well and liked. They would come to his events and would play with him at our house. He is a little young to understand divorce (5) and why his friend would pretend he doesn't exist anymore.

In this situation my DH is also really close with the husband. He ran into the wife at the airport and she pretended that she didn't see him. She later told another mutual friend that she did see him.

This really jumped out at me. Having been through a divorce myself where I was the "innocent" party, I understand your feelings. You didn't do anything wrong... but as is so often the case, divorce leaves in it's wake a whole list of innocent victims, none of whom chose to be hurt.

You are a wonderful friend and I would so have appreciated having you in my life when I was going through my divorce. To add to my own horror at the time, I discovered how many "false" firends I really had... people who avoided me as though somehow divorce was a disease and they could catch it from me. The ex and I had been married for 17 years and for all the world looked happy, so I know it threw them for a loop... but feeling shunned and abandoned by people I thought would be there for me, was completely devastating.

Hopefully, when your friend steps back and gains some perspective she will come to see what a true gift you are offering her in your continued friendship.

 

[RadioNate]

It would be easier if we were friends w/one of them first but we weren't. We met them together, as a couple, 12 days after we moved here.

We just really hit it off...her and I and my DH and hers.

I want to be friends with both and I think we can, if she gave it a chance. I don't think they need to stay married at all costs or anything like that. I'm not 'against' divorce.

I think what someone else said is right on, she is embarassed and feels guilty. We did a lot of girl things w/out the guys. Lunch, movies, spa days...I don't want to lose any of that. What hurts me is that I feel like none of that stuff was important or fun for her. All we keep hearing (3rd hand) was how miserable she was and how much she hated her life.

Makes me sad to think that something that was important to me and fun for me was so horrible for her.

I probablly do need to let the friendship go but it is hard when someone has been a big part of your life for several years.

 

[mickeyfan2]

My girlfriend got divorced years ago. Her ex was an alcoholic and I supported her for a long time. It really did wear on me. I always made it a point to be cordial to the ex and his family. This past summer their daughter got married. We attended the wedding (the father paid for most if not all of the wedding). When he saw us he thanked us for coming.