When do you stop struggling?

[SillyMe]

The main family members we would like to help:
DH Family - brother #3 is going thru a really bad divorce and is looking to declare bankruptcy, his child support payments aren't based realisticly on his salary (he often gets laid off do to the nature of work) but doesn't have money to fight it. Would like to be able to help with money for atleast the bankruptcy.
Sister #2 - is struggling, wasn't sure where she was going to come up with $200 for a deposit towards college for nieces college (niece is paying her own way with loans). Would have liked to be able to offer it as a graduation present.
Sister #3 - often has to borrow money from DMIL just to make ends meet and buy things like medicine (over the counter) for her daughter.
Brother #6 - has downs syndrome - would like to be in a place to offer to take him in if something happens to DMiL.
Brother #1 - is mentally ******** but violent, he lives in a home, not much we can do for him but I wish we could do something
Brother #2 is missing - would like to contribute money for a private investigator to help find him
Brother #4 passed away last october - his family lives 20 hours away, would like to be able to offer plan tickets for niece and nephew to come visit the rest of the family up here.
DMiL - Struggling to get by, cleaned out her savings to help brother #3.

My Family
Sister has severe mental disablity (depression), and if something happened to my mom would have to live with either me or another relative.

We do help out right now in non-fiancial ways, we often babysit the nieces and nephews and often have family gatherings (for DH family) at our house to easy the burden on his mom. We are doing much better then most of his family, and I know we are very blessed to have all that we do at such a young age, I just get fusterated when I think of all the things we don't have or aren't doing (like cell phones, retirement, etc) and wonder how people can do it. We just don't have the extra money for those things so i feel as if we are struggling. Not saving enough for the future is my biggest worry, but I just don't know where to find the money I'm supposed to be saving.

It sounds like you have a wonderful heart! That being said, I can understand you wanting to help your family, but your first priority should be your own life and your own future. You would basically be putting your life on hold to help out other family members. That wouldn't be fair to yourself and your DH. I don't want to sound cold, but your family members need to find their own way out of their financial problems.

 

[bananiem]

We do help out right now in non-fiancial ways, we often babysit the nieces and nephews and often have family gatherings (for DH family) at our house to easy the burden on his mom. We are doing much better then most of his family, and I know we are very blessed to have all that we do at such a young age, I just get fusterated when I think of all the things we don't have or aren't doing (like cell phones, retirement, etc) and wonder how people can do it. We just don't have the extra money for those things so i feel as if we are struggling. Not saving enough for the future is my biggest worry, but I just don't know where to find the money I'm supposed to be saving.

I admire you for wanting to help so many family members, but how would you deal with which ones to help? We're at a place where I feel we're good, but I wouldn't even be able to take on all of your list! Truthfully, I think you need to focus on the two of you. It takes awhile. My sister has a theory- She feels that young people (she's 13 years older than me) think they should have the house and cars and everything they're parents have as soon as they leave the nest. But they weren't around or were too young to remember the struggling times, or that this is their parents 3rd house or whatever.
I think it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. And remember, most people your age are living WAY BEYOND their means.

 

[bananiem]

Oh, and one more peice of advice. The next raise? Put it immediately into the long term savings. You are living without it now, right? Then you can llive without it until retirement and it will be worth much more then.

 

[HookedOnDiz]

We managed to put about 25% of our income into a 401K last year (I did 15%, he did 10%).

That's not quite saving 25% of your total income - its 12.5%.

 

[disneysteve]

That's not quite saving 25% of your total income - its 12.5%.

Not to get too technical, but the actual percentage of household income it represents depends on how much each partner is earning. It is 12.5% if both spouses earn the same amount. If one earns substantially more than the other, the percentage would be different.

 

[Caradana]

Not to get too technical, but the actual percentage of household income it represents depends on how much each partner is earning. It is 12.5% if both spouses earn the same amount. If one earns substantially more than the other, the percentage would be different.

Yea, I thought the same thing when I read that. Maybe Ally and Jack meant that they save 25% of their income, but of that 25%, one partner contributes 15% and the other, 10%.

OP: you do have a phenomenal heart, but I have to tell you, the best way to help your family is to help yourself first, and then when things are going fabulously, then help them. You know the safety instructions on an airplane tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, then help the kids? You're no good to them if you get financially derailed early. Get yourself on track before you give anyone around you a dime. Good luck.

Dana

 

[HookedOnDiz]

Not to get too technical, but the actual percentage of household income it represents depends on how much each partner is earning. It is 12.5% if both spouses earn the same amount. If one earns substantially more than the other, the percentage would be different.

Yes - I was assuming that they earned a similiar amount since she actually didn't post what they earned (nor would I expect her to).

My point was that you can't just add the two numbers together and arrive at an accurate total. Its like someone stating that if each spouse saves 50% of their salary, together they save 100% of their income.

 

[minkydog]

My sister has a theory- She feels that young people (she's 13 years older than me) think they should have the house and cars and everything they're parents have as soon as they leave the nest. But they weren't around or were too young to remember the struggling times, or that this is their parents 3rd house or whatever.

This is so true. My kids weren't around for the mis-matched silverware, the dinky, low-rent apartment, the scary neightbors,the disgusting couch, the pink appliances, or the 13-inch B&W Tv. They missed the days of driving around in an aging Ford Pinto with a hole in the back floorboards and eating dried beans & biscuits three times a week. They don't recall filling up a kiddie pool on the back porch to soak in after work, because we couldn't afford to join the neighborhood pool. They have never seen the inside of a commercial laundromat.

We've been married 24yrs, live in our 3rd home, in a nice part of town, drive two newish reliable cars, eat out when we feel like it, and take one pretty good vacation every year or so. My 18yo really thinks he is going out into "that" world. Sorry. Everybody struggles in their early years, some more than others.

To the OP: this too shall pass. You are doing well and eventually you will be able to help your family. But you have to get established first. Don't worry so much about what you aren't accomplishing. You have already proved to yourself that hard work pays off. Teach yourself to be satisfied with what you have now, and look forward to an even brighter future.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I waould also add that perhaps the best "gift" you can give your family, especially the niece on her way to college, is the example that hard work and perseverance pay off. That it may be hard for a while, but it can get easier.

I appreciate you wanting to help your family members, I really do, but frankly, I don't think you could really make enough to help everyone the way you would like. You do have options, though--triage (help the ones you think most needy/deserving first), set a good example, and also putting away a lot in savings would be a great idea regardless. Whether it's used one day to put your children through college or to help out a disabled sibling when your parents pass, it would be great to have a nest egg. Start small, if you keep adding to it and otherwise leave it alone, you'll get there. The family problems you describe didn't happen overnight, and it's not your job, all by yourself, to fix them.

Most of all, don't kick yourself too badly. I tend to do that--I grew up in a household where money was very tight, graduated with a ton in loans. we had some rough patches. A few years ago, we were doing okay, but DH lost his job and took almost a year to find something comparable. So, right now, I look at some of our bills and think "I should be doing better!". But the reality is, he was out of work for a year, we got through it with no family help, we're climbing out of the hole with our dignity, mortgage, etc. intact, and I have to cut myself some slack.

 

[minkydog]

A few years ago, we were doing okay, but DH lost his job and took almost a year to find something comparable. So, right now, I look at some of our bills and think "I should be doing better!". But the reality is, he was out of work for a year, we got through it with no family help, we're climbing out of the hole with our dignity, mortgage, etc. intact, and I have to cut myself some slack.

And the reason you have recovered so well is probably because of the early preparation you did(paying off loans, having some savings.) Since my DH has been disabled for 2 yrs I am amazed by the fact that we aren't falling behind on our bills and we aren't in danger of losing our home.You never know what may befall you, whether a lay-off or serious illness, or even death of a spouse. We don't have loads of money, but we made choices in our early years that are having an impact now, like finishing college, not over-extending ourselves, postponing unnecessary purchases,saving for retirement, etc. We will continue to be frugal and hopefully, we will keep our heads above water.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

minkydog, you're 100% right--so much of what we did in the early years has paid off already. For example, retirement--we don't even have to think about it now, much less worry, because we've saved so much (we're in our early 40's). We still contribute to DH's 401(k), because it's such a good deal with the company match, plus it's pre-tax, so it's "found money". But if we didn't save another penny, we'd be there when age 65 rolls around. Also, in previous years when we've gotten windfalls (hey, it happens!), we didn't "blow" them, but kept them in blue chip stocks. We did have to sell some when DH was out of work, but we still have a lot, and they make a nice cushion.

Another "big" thing we did was not get used to living high--even when we theoretically could. It's much easier to live cheap when it's not so far to fall.