When do you start letting your kids make their own friends?

[auntpolly]

My question about my friend and the camping trip got me thinking.

I never tried to control who DD made friends with. Maybe it's because she always had friends that were pretty good kids, but I never told her that she couldn't hang out with anyone. (There were times that I told her I didn't particularly like a few kids --because I thought they were snobs, but I never said she had to dump them or anything.)

Do you or did you control your kids' choice of friends? How long and for what reasons? At what age do you think they are capable of deciding for themselves?

And dating -- do you control who your kids can go out with?

 

[NMAmy]

I've always allowed DD to choose her own friends. However, I do reserve the right to tell her when I don't think certain friends are particularly nice or tend to do things I don't approve of. And, although she rolls her eyes and acts like I'm crazy at the time, I have noticed over the years that eventually she pays attention to things I've pointed out and has stopped hanging out with certain friends.

Boyfriends...ugh. I think dd's boyfriend right now is basically a good kid but we've had some issues. She is only allowed to see him at our house when dh or I are home--she's not allowed to go out on dates with him. I know that if I forbid her to see him completely, that would only make him that much more attractive. At least this way, I have some control over the situation. Luckily, he's moving away at the end of the school year.

 

[auntpolly]

Luckily, he's moving away at the end of the school year.

Sorry if your DD is sad, but I can understand completely your relief! One less thing to worry about!

 

[aprilgail2]

Well since my daughter is only in first grade I really can't answer on the dating issue until I am actually at that point! But otherwise I let her pick her own friends, she had one that I didn't like but I didn't say anything and my daughter figured it out on her own by playing with the kid a few times that the kid was a brat and doesn't want to play with her anymore.

 

[lbgraves]

I am guessing that I have more say in the kid's friends because they are younger. We aren't even considering dating for a while!!! I haven't had a problem this year but last year when DD was 4 there were some kids in her PS class who were just downright mean. She realized this half way thru the year & her feelings were really hurt since she thought that she was friends with them. Thankfully most of the kids in the neighborhood are great for both of the kids. There is just one spoiled kid who is a real brat & is mean to everyone when he doesn't get his way.

 

[froglady]

I chose my own friends and boyfriends, why wouldn't I allow my children to do the same?

DD (23) has always made good choices. Now, that doesn't mean that they were always guys WE felt were right for her (DH's famous quote "He would be OK if she weren't my ONLY daughter.") but none of them (that we met) were unacceptable. Since she was in school 1,000 miles away, it's possible that she only talked about and brought home the "keepers."

She was able to distinguish "real" friends from an early age, so eliminated less desirable friends on her own.

DS also seems to be fairly good at this, and has a couple of really good friends who we really like. We have taken one friend on many trips with us over the years (they've been best friends since 2nd grade) and he's a delight to have around.

 

[golfgal]

I voted that they can choose their friends freely because they have done a good job of that over the years. As soon as they started pre-school they started picking their own friends, before that their friends were the kids of my friends or neighbor kids. They have had enough experience with nasty kids that they know who they like and who they don't. They will have a big test with picking friends when we move so I reserved the right to change my vote.

I know a few times when the kids were younger and would start playing with various neighbor kids that after a few times they wouldn't want to play with them again. I would try to get them to play and they would resist. I have learned to let them trust their instincts on that because these kids have all turned out to be not so nice kids or kids I don't want them playing with.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My kids have always been able to choose their friends and dates, however, one of the most important thing that I've tried to drill into their heads is the importance of hanging out with the right people. I've explained that it's important to hang with people who have similar values and goals because then they will be less likely to feel pressured into doing things that they wouldn't otherwise do. I've tried to teach them to pick their friends carefully.

It worked fairly well with my DD, who is now in college. I have a son in HS who seems to be a fairly ok judge, but he can be clueless and not notice things, so I do get a bit concerned about him.

I also have a 12yo who is so busy with baseball that he doesn't have as much time for a social life. Maybe that's for the better since he's the one that thinks about being cool. Too early to tell with my 6yo, but I do let him decide who to invite over, but I do have my favorites for sure.

I didn't vote, though, because even though I let them choose, I also have veto power over who I let them go somewhere with or who I let them invite into the house. I have no control over who they hang with at school, of course. So we're in a middle ground.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I have always allowed my DS's to pick their own friends. However, when one of their friends stole a cell phone and tried to steal my new razr phone I had to step in. I told DS10 that this friend was no longer allowed to come over - he could be friends with him at school but no more sleep overs. It's a shame really because I think the parents deal Meth and the kids had been friends for several years, but I had to draw the line somewhere.

 

[auntpolly]

I have always allowed my DS's to pick their own friends. However, when one of their friends stole a cell phone and tried to steal my new razr phone I had to step in..

See, I don't know what I would have done if something like that had happened! I think you are very nice for allowing the kids to still be friends at school. I was never tested in that way -- I'd like to think I'd do the same, but who knows?

 

[golfgal]

See, I don't know what I would have done if something like that had happened! I think you are very nice for allowing the kids to still be friends at school. I was never tested in that way -- I'd like to think I'd do the same, but who knows?

It has been my experience so far that if you don't allow a friend at home and tell you child why they start looking at that "friend" in a different way and sooner or later they stop being friends with them at school too.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

It has been my experience so far that if you don't allow a friend at home and tell you child why they start looking at that "friend" in a different way and sooner or later they stop being friends with them at school too.

I explained to DS10 why he wasn't allowed over - it's a long story but I virtually caught him red handed. My older son's phone had disappeared when this boy was over. The next time he came over we tore the house apart looking for my phone - before I took him home (I'm very funny about having it with me all of the time). After I caught him I told him he wasn't allowed over - period. He and DS are not close friends anymore - your right about how they start looking at them. I knew if I "forbid" them from being friends it would open up another can of worms.

I felt really bad about it - they had been friends since pre-school. But the family is very strange and we strongly suspect they manufacture meth at their house. (Yes the authorities know about it too). We tried to include the boy in things that they normally didn't do - like going to the movies or out for pizza. Funny thing was - I had $60 out on the kitchen counter for the cleaning lady and that was untouched...

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

sorry duplicate post

 

[babytrees]

I just voted for letting my DD's picking their own friends. So far there hasn't been any boyfriends so far....though I bet we have some of those soon. I do think I will let them choose then too...maybe!!

 

[Aidensmom]

My son is only 4, and he picks his own friends, both in the neighborhood and at school. A couple of the kids in the neighborhood have said some racist stuff to him which I am not happy about (yes, we're white, it does happen) but I figure that it would just encourage the racism if he was forbidden to play with them.

I have pretty much vetoed a friend once though, a child at school who is the class troublemaker. When DS hung out with him, he was getting in a lot of trouble too. I told Aiden he couldn't play with this child when this child was being mean to other children or not listening to the teachers, he could only play with him when he was being nice. Well, that doesn't happen too often, so Aiden just finally just gave up on being his friend.

 

[MAKmom]

I don't like high maintenance kids over my house. So I just tell my kids no about them coming in the house. They can play outside. Some kids have had to leave for a year & then I let them come back. DD had 1 friend who she would coach before she would come over. No whining Tiffany & try to smile. This girl is the most depressed child I have ever met she was in 5th grade & is at 19.

 

[N.Bailey]

While I do allow my children to choose their own friends, I wouldn't hesitate stepping in if their choice of friend didn't meet our standards. Our standards aren't high really, but I prefer my kids not to hang with others who drink/smoke dope/are sexually involved (my kids are 14 & 15).

I do realize that most kids experiment and I expect this of my own kids even, so just trying it isn't going to void a friendship. I'm talking about the kids who do it regularly. One little girl is very involved with all of the above, but I do allow my daughter to have her over. I've known her since she was wee little, and I like her coming to see what normalcy can be (her parents are class acts!). I don't let her run the streets with this particular girl though and there is no way in heck that I'd allow my daughter to sleep at this girl's house.

 

[Lisa_Belle]

DD is 4 and is allowed to choose her own friends, which basically includes anyone and everyone, but there have been a couple who I think treat her poorly and are not invited to our house. While you can't really keep friends from seeing each other at school, I would not allow her to hang out with someone who is a bad influence away from school.

As for age - I know some adults in their mid-30s and up who don't make wise choices.

 

[auntpolly]

I don't like high maintenance kids over my house. .

Hmmmmm....you're right about this -- I forgot how that was. I guess I did control who played at the house. It's not like certain kids were never ever welcome, but if it wasn't possible to give my full attention, there were kids that just couldn't come over at that time. (and those are the ones the parents were always trying to unload on me, LOL)

 

[Bob Slydell]

My oldest is 5, so he's still free to make whatever friends he'd like. There's one boy in the neighborhood (next door neighbor) that I'd rather he'd not play with, but since the other boy is 9, they don't play together very often.