When and how would you tell the truth? *Sensitive*

[PrincessKsMom]

My uncle committed suicide and just last night his sister and daughter walked in his honor. Here's a website that might help to give you some information or put you in touch with others that might offer support from a firsthand perspective:

http://www.theovernight.org/


My deepest sympathies on your loss. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. You don't have all the answers and yet you're trying to help your kids understand.

 

[IDoDis]

My DH's dad took his own life when our kids were ages 4 and 8. We told them that Grandpa was sick with cancer (it was true that he had lung cancer) and that's what he died of. We have decided not to tell them the truth. It would not change things and would only cause them hurt. It's a joint decision that we made. There's no benefit to telling them, so why put them through those emotions.

So ask yourself what the benefit would be to tell them what really happened? So they can know the truth? Is it really a benefit for your kids to know this? I found out some devastating things about my own father years later that I wished I hadn't known. Yes, I had been lied to for years probably to protect me. Knowing the new information changed my image of him forever. My mom did a great job always talking about him in a good way, but some relatives couldn't resist telling me what really happened when I was a teenager. I was not thankful that I knew the truth.

This is my experience and my opinion from someone who has been on both ends of the information.

 

[java]

I don't think they need to know at this point. What good would it do? I had a friend's brother commit suicide when I was 11 and trust me it was too much information for me. I had nightmares for years. Dreaming about him coming to my house and shooting himself. (*that's how he died. he shot himself) I wish I didn't know.

You can answer the questions as they come. How did Grandma die? She was sick. Was it cancer? No. It's nothing contagious either- you won't get it. (that is really what kids are worried about)

I am so very sorry that your mom chose to take her life.

 

[Owl's Friend]

My brother committed suicide last year in Jan. I told my dd who was 9.5 that he died. She asked what happened and I stuck with he was alone so I don't know. My SIL's brother and his wife told their kids (around the same age) just that he died. I don't plan on telling my dd anything until she's a teen. She's immature and she'll find a way to throw it in my ds's face that their uncle killed himself. I wish no one had to go through this. I still can't even believe this happened to our family. Definitely something you think will happen to someone else's family.

 

[JLTraveling]

I am SO sorry for your loss. This is a tough situation to be in, but I'm going to respectfully disagree with the majority of posters. I think you need to tell your kids the truth, sooner rather than later. They will learn the truth eventually, and on top of their shock and sadness, they'll also have to cope with the fact that you lied to them. Depending on how old they are and their mindset when they find out, it could lead to major damage to your relationship.

Do you happen to watch Treme on HBO? They're dealing with this exact situation now. It's a fictional show, but very much based in reality, set in New Orleans after Katrina. I urge you to watch a few episodes to see what can happen when a teen finds out the truth.

I also urge you to seek counseling for yourself and your DH as well as your children. Just getting through an untimely death is hard enough, and suicide adds a whole new set of emotions to the mix. I would suggest seeing a therapist for a few sessions before you tell the kids, to work through some of your own feelings and develop a game plan, then add counseling for them once you tell them the truth.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. But I think you owe it to your kids to help them work through the truth.

 

[DawnM]

I think you know your kids well enough to know if it is the right time to tell them. I would just tell them BEFORE they are adults.

I have a dear friend whose father committed suicide. She wasn't told until she was in her mid to late 20's and she was very angry that she hadn't been told. And she found out from someone ELSE in the family, not her mother.

Dawn

 

[aprilgail2]

I'm a big believer in the idea that keeping secrets only makes things worse for kids.

We had a suicide in our family before the kids came along. They've known from the beginning of knowing about him that the person in question was mentally ill and took his own life. We didn't go into details, but we said he was so sad all the time that he couldn't function, that doctors couldn't help him at that time, and that he killed himself.

There's no issue of heredity here, and we've also told them that medical science has improved around treating people with this person's mental illness, such that if he hadn't committed suicide, it's possible he could have been treated had he been able to hang in there long enough.

I agree- I would never have kept that secret from my daughter in the first place. My friends husband killed himself and when he did I told her the truth-didn't think twice about not, nor would I have thought twice about it if it was a family member that killed themselves. I just don't see the point in not telling my child the truth. I would have simply said at the time that grandma was mentally sick and didn't want to live anymore.
When my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer people were whispering to me about it when my daughter (who is now 11!) was around-I was like why are you whispering I would never hide this from my daughter, she has every right to know.

 

[kirstenb1]

My DH's dad took his own life when our kids were ages 4 and 8. We told them that Grandpa was sick with cancer (it was true that he had lung cancer) and that's what he died of. We have decided not to tell them the truth. It would not change things and would only cause them hurt. It's a joint decision that we made. There's no benefit to telling them, so why put them through those emotions.

So ask yourself what the benefit would be to tell them what really happened? So they can know the truth? Is it really a benefit for your kids to know this? I found out some devastating things about my own father years later that I wished I hadn't known. Yes, I had been lied to for years probably to protect me. Knowing the new information changed my image of him forever. My mom did a great job always talking about him in a good way, but some relatives couldn't resist telling me what really happened when I was a teenager. I was not thankful that I knew the truth.

This is my experience and my opinion from someone who has been on both ends of the information.

I agree with this post, and Java's right below. I was told some very sad unnecessary information about my parents when I was 10. It still colors our relationships to this day. I will not be sharing this with my children.

I realize in this day, people lean toward full disclosure of everything. However, I don't think we always need to know everything about a person. Excellent advice, about what would be gained in sharing this information? How will this help the children? I also think the advice from Erin about seeking professional advice is very good.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I agree with being as truthful as possible because many mental illnesses are hereditary and knowing the truth can change behavior. There are multiple mental illnesses in my family tree and I am open with my kids now 11 & 12 because I am terrified that if they do what other kids do, like drink excessively or experiment with drugs it can trigger an episode for them. I don't tell them everything, that won't help them, but I do tell them enough so that they understand the significance of their risk, how to recognize trouble and that there is help available if they ask.

Its ok for your kids to see you cry, it makes you human to them. This is such a big part of who you are I don't think it's healthy to pretend otherwise, how do you explain your own sadness, tears, mood swings around holidays without the truth? Just reassure your children that you do not have the same illness and that you don't see any signs of it in them.

One thought though, when you talk about it don't try to do it all at once, you'll only overwhelm yourself and them, and then pretend it didn't happen because it's too painful. Have a talk with your DH there and then add little bits and pieces of truth over time. If your DH is there the kids might approach him with questions he is better equipped to answer than you are.

take care of yourself ok

***those of you saying there is stuff you wish you didn't know, please keep in mind you guys are talking about your own parents, not your grandparents, the OP is talking about her children's grandmother. 7

 

[Muushka]

First,

I am torn. While I believe that parents need to be honest with their children, there are some things that maybe they just should not know. But on the other hand, your response to mother's death is probably not the typical response and perhaps your children sense that (maybe the reason why they keep asking so many questions).

I don't know the answer, but hope that closure can be obtained for you and your children.

PS I see much compassion on this thread for those who are affected by suicide. As someone who lost their dad to suicide, even my closest friends did not treat his death as something that actually happened. I did not receive any sympathy cards from long time friends and no acknowledgment that he had even died. There is a lot of shame and guilt associated with suicide. I hope that things are changing and that people will be more willing to talk with those whose loved ones chose this way to die.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

For the most part, you have hit on all my major concerns. While my older boys clearly know what suicide is, it is all the questions that I can't answer that scare me the most. Honestly, I can't even answer those questions. The why, why, why can be so overwhelming...especially when there won't ever be an answer. Believe me, I ask myself everyday "how could she miss this?" and I am terrified that I will answer it "wrong" to my boys. How do I completely handle and support my children's feelings when mine are still all over the map.

My DH is wonderful, however, he just doesn't get it. His feelings are mostly ones of anger for what I have been through. He can't see past being mad at her for what I have had to deal with. I understand that. I truly do. It's just not especially helpful. Believe me, if I could see her I would probably wring her neck and shake her silly. But that frustration and anger is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have been reluctant to seek help...mostly because I feel like they are going to tell me things I already know. I know, I know. Just with the boys asking again the past few days, it has all come back to light.

You guys sound like you are still having some pretty strong emotions and are having a hard time moving forward.

I would encourage you to seek help. My 14yodd sees a counselor, it is great place to unload and get a perspective and direction. Yes, you may "know" things however they can point you in the direction of moving forward toward your goals. If you feel you are ready to move forward then it is a good healthy place to start.

Or there are support groups as well.