When and how would you tell the truth? *Sensitive*

[Mickey Fliers]

This is something I have been struggling with for the last 3 years and I am just not sure how I should go about telling my children the truth.

Three years ago (last week) my mother committed suicide at the age of 52. It was obviously a complete shock as I was pregnant with my first daughter and my mother seemed thrilled. Not to get into the entire story, partly because it would fill a book and is mostly irrelevant, she did have some stuff going on but her death was something that no one (well, most no one ) saw coming.

When she died, my boys were 10 1/2, almost 9 and 5. At the time, we told them that their grandmother had been sick...not a complete lie. However, as time has gone on, they have asked several times "how did Picture Grandma die?" "Did she have cancer?" etc. We have been hesitant to tell them the truth because, well, the truth sucks.

So, I wonder, when is the right time to tell them what really happened? Do I tell all of them or just the older two and wait to tell my youngest son? Do I go into the whole big story or just answer questions as they arise? I am so lost in all of this and it is hard to talk to RL friends as they are too personally attached and have heard my every rant, rave, question, tear, despair for the last three years.

Thanks for any advice.

 

[DVCLiz]

This is something I have been struggling with for the last 3 years and I am just not sure how I should go about telling my children the truth.

Three years ago (last week) my mother committed suicide at the age of 52. It was obviously a complete shock as I was pregnant with my first daughter and my mother seemed thrilled. Not to get into the entire story, partly because it would fill a book and is mostly irrelevant, she did have some stuff going on but her death was something that no one (well, most no one ) saw coming.

When she died, my boys were 10 1/2, almost 9 and 5. At the time, we told them that their grandmother had been sick...not a complete lie. However, as time has gone on, they have asked several times "how did Picture Grandma die?" "Did she have cancer?" etc. We have been hesitant to tell them the truth because, well, the truth sucks.

So, I wonder, when is the right time to tell them what really happened? Do I tell all of them or just the older two and wait to tell my youngest son? Do I go into the whole big story or just answer questions as they arise? I am so lost in all of this and it is hard to talk to RL friends as they are too personally attached and have heard my every rant, rave, question, tear, despair for the last three years.

Thanks for any advice.

I think they are old enough. The next time one of them asks a question, I would just say, "Your grandmother suffered from an illness called depression. Sometimes people with depression don't look or act sick, but they end up taking their own lives. I miss her very much."

I would be prepared for them to ask how specifically she died - it may be morbid but everyone I've ever known to hear of a suicide asks how. If you don't want them to know be prepared to say "She did something dangerous to her body and the doctors weren't able to save her life." That is vague enough without going into details. If you want to share that with them, of course it would be appropriate to do so if you can find a simple non-scary way to do it (ie she took some dangerous pills.)

I'm so sorry for your loss and whatever you decide with your boys will be the right thing for you. I always think that children should know these things by the time they are adults but when to tell them is a personal choice.

 

[Que_Sarah_Sarah]

Whenever you decide to tell them, you need to make sure they really understand what suicide is, it happens to different people for different reasons and the like. My babysitter killed herself when I was six and I didn't understand what suicide was even though my parents explained it to me. I thought I had done something wrong and it affected my life for nine or ten years.

Might I also discourage you from allowing your older children to tell the younger one. You need to be in total control of how that information gets passed on. It's never an easy conversation, but in the end your kids will be better for it.

 

[DebbieB]

If they keep asking, I would tell them. You said "picture grandma". Did they have a relationship with her?

 

[Mickey Fliers]

If they keep asking, I would tell them. You said "picture grandma". Did they have a relationship with her?

Yes, they did. She was a photographer and that was what they called her. I am sure the older boys could deal with the information, I just don't know that I can deal with telling them. KWIM? Just sucks.

 

[DebbieB]

Yes, they did. She was a photographer and that was what they called her. I am sure the older boys could deal with the information, I just don't know that I can deal with telling them. KWIM? Just sucks.

That must be hard. My mom died from cancer almost 6 years ago and sometimes when I talk to people about her I still lose it. You mentioned it was 3 years last week. I know anniversaries are hard, maybe give yourself a little time to get past that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Are YOU ready to tell them? Once you tell them you will have to field questions from them about it.

So my answer is, tell them when you are ready & able to be open to talking with them about it.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

Are YOU ready to tell them? Once you tell them you will have to field questions from them about it.

So my answer is, tell them when you are ready & able to be open to talking with them about it.

Completely agree, and sending you a PM.

 

[LaraK]

Amie, First and foremost I know how hard all of this has been for you.

I have always believed in honesty with my kids. I try to put things in terms they understand, but I believe it's best to be honest. I would tell them that you didn't tell them how your mom died right away because you didn't know how to explain things in a why they'd understand but you can tell they want to know. I'm so sorry.

 

[drlee]

Amie my heart breaks for you. My Mother took her life also. She was 53 years old and like yours was a complete surprise to some of us. She had a few issues that we didn't know about but nothing that should have warranted her actions. My children were 14 and 5 and they both suffered in different ways when she died. My oldest was very close to her and knew what happened, but still had questions. My youngest didn't understand much about the whole situation but told him what he needed at the time. We did not give him details just that she had passed and how sad it was. He excepted that until he was older and then when we told him the truth he had a lot of questions. He was probably 11 or 12 at the time and answered his questions as they came up. I can tell you it has been almost 18 years and he is 23 and he still ask questions. I had a really hard time so I think he was afraid to ask many questions at first, but with exceptance on my part he felt free to ask questions. When they are ready you will know. Be honest when they ask but be prepared for the questions. Good luck. I know this is hard.

 

[Ceila]

Is there someone you could talk to who is slightly removed from the situation? I'm thinking that the school's guidance counselor might be a great place to start. First, he/she may well have some insight into how to share the news with your kids. Second, it might be a good idea to give the counselor a heads up so they are aware that your boys are dealing with information that is very difficult for them to process.

 

[Imzadi]

I am so lost in all of this and it is hard to talk to RL friends as they are too personally attached and have heard my every rant, rave, question, tear, despair for the last three years.

Thanks for any advice.

I just don't know that I can deal with telling them. KWIM? Just sucks.

Are YOU ready to tell them? Once you tell them you will have to field questions from them about it.

So my answer is, tell them when you are ready & able to be open to talking with them about it.

Have you gotten any counseling or have joined a support group for survivors of suicide?

I agree that you should tell your children when YOU are emotionally ready to do so. This will be just as traumatizing info for them to process through as it has been for you. You really cannot help them further along beyond where you yourself have healed.

If you start crying or getting upset, they may bury their own questions, need to know, shock and grief in an effort to not upset you further. Ultimately, that won't help them. ALL of you will remain locked in an emotional state where none of you will be able to process this through to a more healthy place.

Get some counseling or support from people who've been through this. They can help you with what to expect, what to say, when, how to deal with this. There might even be on-line forums or groups.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My DH was 4-years old when his grandmother committed suicide. His mom was at her house when she did it. In fact, it appeared that she planned for his mom to be there, hear her hit the floor and go in and find her. My husband and his brother were always told that grandma had a stroke in the bathroom and died instantly. When my DH was an adult, we were married and had our first baby, my MIL had several small strokes. My DH asked his mom if she had told her doctor about her mother dying of a massive stroke. She said, "Oh, she didn't have a stroke. She committed suicide. You're old enough to know that now."

I asked my DH how he felt about that. While he was surprised and wondered why his mom hadn't told him sooner, he also wasn't sure what good it would have done. He and his brother were 4 and 7 when their grandma died. She'd already told them the stroke story. She was deeply scarred from the experience and didn't want to pass that on to her kids. She probably could have told my DH before he was 34, but she chose not to. He wonders how it would have been to carry that knowledge around with him as a child and teenager? He and his brother had been told they were both adopted and they were already tossing that around in their minds. I'm not necessarily advocating not telling them until they're much older, but there are definitely pros and cons to minimizing it while they're young. Good luck with your decision. I know it's a tough one!

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I have never lost anyone to suicide and I hope I never do.

Everyone has given very helpful advice. I really like what DVC Liz said. Please explain to them that depression is an illness and it may seem like she had a choice, but it's possible she didn't due to her illness.

As far as them asking how she died, like another poster pointed out, everyone always asks that. And you know how inquisitive kids are. I'm stuck on what you could tell them. I respectfully disagree with DVC Liz on this one. If you tell them she died from dangerous pills, that might set them up for a lifelong fear of medicine. Maybe you could word it a little differently, like "even though medicine is helps us when we are sick, she took a whole lot more than she should have. but that doesn't mean that medicine is a bad thing when you are sick."

 

[Imzadi]

I asked my DH how he felt about that. While he was surprised and wondered why his mom hadn't told him sooner, he also wasn't sure what good it would have done. . . []

He and his brother had been told they were both adopted and they were already tossing that around in their minds. I'm not necessarily advocating not telling them until they're much older, but there are definitely pros and cons to minimizing it while they're young. Good luck with your decision. I know it's a tough one!

Please explain to them that depression is an illness and it may seem like she had a choice, but it's possible she didn't due to her illness.

If you tell them she died from dangerous pills, that might set them up for a lifelong fear of medicine. Maybe you could word it a little differently, like "even though medicine is helps us when we are sick, she took a whole lot more than she should have. but that doesn't mean that medicine is a bad thing when you are sick."

If you tell them that your mom had a mental illness, you have to reassure them it is NOT something hereditary, that they will develop, even if it is. They need age appropriate information right now. Not something that will burden them or a fear they will carry from now on. Definitely stay away from words like schizophrenia, which they or their friends can easily Google and get half information on, along with a lot of fears.

If you are too vague, saying she had depression, that may affect them too, causing more unanswerable questions and concerns. I just saw a commercial for some depression medicine. Those kinds of commercials play all the time. EVERY time they hear that word, they may wonder if those people who are depressed or take the medicine could be suicidal, are they taking it to stop suicide, etc.

If they feel down or depressed themselves, which naturally happens in life at times and over certain situations, will they start to fear becoming suicidal? They may respond by trying to keep themselves in unnaturally happy or cheerful states, not allowing themselves to feel sad emotions to not go into depressive states. Our emotions and fears are necessarily logical.

There is a lot of unexpected and unknown factors to consider. A saying that is said in a court of law is that, "You cannot unring a bell." Once your children know, they can't un-know, or go back to a state of not having questions or concerns.

 

[Erin1700]

I would ask a professional for advice. They are going to have questions about why she wouldn't want to know them, or wouldn't she miss them or you. The how and why she did it to herself is only part of the problem. They are going to ask things like "didn't she want to come to my birthday?" "weren't we nice to her?" those kinds of things need to be answered with guidance.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm a big believer in the idea that keeping secrets only makes things worse for kids.

We had a suicide in our family before the kids came along. They've known from the beginning of knowing about him that the person in question was mentally ill and took his own life. We didn't go into details, but we said he was so sad all the time that he couldn't function, that doctors couldn't help him at that time, and that he killed himself.

There's no issue of heredity here, and we've also told them that medical science has improved around treating people with this person's mental illness, such that if he hadn't committed suicide, it's possible he could have been treated had he been able to hang in there long enough.

 

[Erin1700]

I would ask a professional for advice. They are going to have questions about why she wouldn't want to know them, or wouldn't she miss them or you. The how and why she did it to herself is only part of the problem. They are going to ask things like "didn't she want to come to my birthday?" "weren't we nice to her?" those kinds of things need to be answered with guidance.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[cm8]

, My husband's GM also committed suicide by using barbiturates. She was very depressed and felt that her life was gone. My husband was about 10 or 12 at the time and all he can remember is how hurt and angry his Mom was at the time. I've never asked him how it made him feel . I know that he stills talks about her to this day and how well she used to bake him some cookies and pies. I hope that you find a way to share the news with your children and that it help heals your pain

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

For the most part, you have hit on all my major concerns. While my older boys clearly know what suicide is, it is all the questions that I can't answer that scare me the most. Honestly, I can't even answer those questions. The why, why, why can be so overwhelming...especially when there won't ever be an answer. Believe me, I ask myself everyday "how could she miss this?" and I am terrified that I will answer it "wrong" to my boys. How do I completely handle and support my children's feelings when mine are still all over the map.

My DH is wonderful, however, he just doesn't get it. His feelings are mostly ones of anger for what I have been through. He can't see past being mad at her for what I have had to deal with. I understand that. I truly do. It's just not especially helpful. Believe me, if I could see her I would probably wring her neck and shake her silly. But that frustration and anger is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have been reluctant to seek help...mostly because I feel like they are going to tell me things I already know. I know, I know. Just with the boys asking again the past few days, it has all come back to light.