When a Good Friend Suddenly Disappears

[Hisgirl]

I have a friend who lives on my street, is about 72, and I adore her.

She has always been like a spiritual mama to me over the years. We lunch, pray, laugh, eat, play with the dogs, talk about books, laugh, eat....for the past 15 years.

Then...almost 5 years ago she had a massive stroke.

She went through the 'mean' stage and struggled with speech. Then that got much much better.

Our lunches out turned into house visits and lots of phone calls.

Over time, mainly phone calls as I became the caregiver for my parents. But we always stayed in touch.

Then ...suddenly ... she stopped calling. She stopped returning my calls.

Instead, her husband calls me back and says things like "She is going through a tough time." "She needs rest, so that's what she's doing, resting." "She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now"

It's not just me.

She isn't talking to anyone. Any girlfriends at all.

This has been going on for months. Months and months.

I normally saw her out walking the dog with her husband, going for a drive...but now she won't leave the house.

Her husband told me he can't even get her to go to the doctor.

She is very strong willed and he is very passive. I asked him yesterday if he thought she A. had had another stroke. B. Was depressed. He said no to both.

She has completely 100% pulled back from life.

That does sound like depression to me.

I'm so sad and frustrated. I miss her like crazy. And yes, I did stop by the house but he just met me at the door and said she was resting upstairs.

And again, it's not just me. No girlfriends have spoken with her.

Has anyone seen this with a stroke survivor? I find myself wondering what would happen if something happened to him as he is older. They have one adult son, who lives an hour away but does not call them anymore. No more family. No church family.

I'm frightened for her and know she most likely needs medical care but her husband can't force her to leave the house. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I miss my friend!!

 

[cabanafrau]

If I truly thought the situation were legitimately grave, I would contact adult protective services and let them proceed or not based upon your information. This is if I had any real misgivings the situation is indeed grave with a risk of harm to either of them.

Other than that, reach out with a card to her every so often and check in on her husband to offer if there is anything he needs.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I had a previous supervisor have a mild stroke, but it really did something to how she interacted with other people -- She returned, but after a few months, she wound up "being retired" by the organization. She totally went off about HER supervisor to our whole department during a department meeting. Then made some really inappropriate comments during a board meeting, which sealed her fate.

I think strokes affect everyone differently. I agree with @cabanafrau -- just keep reaching out and checking in.

 

[la79al]

Yes, cutting all communication and refusing to go to the doctors can be an after effect of a stroke. Or another stroke. Has anyone actually seen her lately, besides her husband? From what you are saying I would be worried that the husband may be underestimating how bad she is.

 

[leebee]

Try writing letters. I can't imagine that her husband would refuse to give her her mail. Maybe she'll reach out to you the same way, or will at least understand that you are still her friend, still care, even if she can't find it in her to interact.

 

[tvguy]

I know with my mom, she made it know DECADES before she became terminally ill that she wanted nobody to know if she became terminally ill, or even that she had passed away. She felt it was nobody's business.
She was diagnosed with cancer on a Monday, on Wednesday she had a stroke, and she spent the last 13 months of her life in a rehab and then a residential care facility. She literally was walking 5 miles a day in her rural-ish neighborhood up until the Sunday before it all happened. She had done this for all 27 years she was retired, and was a fixture in the neighborhood, and poof, she wasn't there anymore. And neighbors were concerned. It was tough because they knew how to reach me, but mom just made it clear years in advance that she wanted privacy at the end of her life.

 

[Hisgirl]

I just called two other girlfriends to make sure they were up to date on what was happening. We are committed to continue reaching out, leaving messages of care and love and YES, I love that idea of writing a letter! Who doesn't love a letter!
I miss her so very much.
Life has been sooo very tough with my elderly parents this year and man, do I miss her mama hugs and encouragement.
And yes, I had thought about maybe her husband is under-estimating how bad it is. And I do suspect she may had something happen and he just isn't aware.
And that son,....not calling his parents. Grrrrrr..... They were good parents and loving and 100% supportive of his dreams and he isn't even calling them anymore.

 

[Nancyg56]

My neighbor has been through something like this. She suffers from depression and for a long time I was her only friend. Her husband is a jerk. Anyway, she fell off the planet. I mean she just disappeared. I knew she had been ill though, and this had happened a few times in the past many years. Then I saw her in the car one day and she told me she has been committed and was afraid no one would want to talk to her. I stopped by a few times when her husband was not home, but she never answered her door. My friend is a cop and got called in on a medical call while he was on duty. He said it was so sad. She has fallen so far back now. My DH is retired and on occasion she is out, and he chats, but she really is embarrassed by her condition, and while I think it would be nice if she encouraged visits, she just will not. The jerk husband is fine with this.

 

[Hikergirl]

After dh's grandfather had a stroke he eventually withdrew from everyone. I don't think he wanted people to see him like that, it hurt his pride.
He was a such a strong man, both physically and mentally that I think he just couldn't face letting his family and friends see him any different.

 

[debknight]

Maybe she passed and he's keeping her body à la Psycho.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

If you feel something really serious could be wrong, you can call your local police non-emergency number and ask for a welfare check. They will send someone to check on her while on their day-to-day patrol.

 

[a1tinkfans]

If the husband blocks you from the home...does that feel “off” to you? Have you tried once a week, let’s say.. and same result? 1,2,3 times?
Then I’d prob feel compelled to reach out to local Police. I pray that she is just wanting to be alone as she’s made that rational decision and ...you d have to accept that, even if it bothers you. ( then send notes/letter)
Please go with your gut on this.. can u kinda cozy up to husband... try to expand the conversation at the door ..( perhaps leading to sit down with him) ( obviously you care) and share ur concern/s for both of them.. she may benefit from seeing a doctor??
Sad situation. I hope she is Okay and it’s her rational choice.
Please let us know.

 

[barkley]

I just called two other girlfriends to make sure they were up to date on what was happening. We are committed to continue reaching out, leaving messages of care and love and YES, I love that idea of writing a letter! Who doesn't love a letter!
I miss her so very much.

i've had 2 strokes and they completely changed the person i am. it's not that i'm embarrassed for others to see/interact with me (if you met me you would see/hear no visible indications of my strokes) it's just like a switch flipped changing me from a social being to one who prefers solitude. i concede that this did in the months immediately following my strokes lead to concerns with my family/doctors of depression and agoraphobia so i made/make efforts to interact with others. i'm 15 years out from my strokes and while i do interact with those outside my immediate family it's minimal b/c that's my 'new nature'.

on writing letters-i think that's a great idea. i would suggest though, unless you know for a fact that your friend's stroke didn't impair her reading ability, write or type in larger print.

 

[jerseygal]

That is a very sad story. She sounds like such an unbelievable sweet person. Some here have suggested welfare checks....I don't like to "rush to judgement" and infringe upon any ones privacy, but it sounds like something is peculiar here. Hopefully, her husband is a loving person and she is "going through a "rough patch", BUT none of us can never say "never" about any situation.
Seems peculiar that she is "always sleeping" when you call or stop by. I can totally empathize how this feels like such a loss. If she were going through a depression, the husband really should welcome friends reaching out and trying. If only for a few moments, a very short visit could do her some good, knowing that people still care about her.Hope that you make some strides with seeing her!

 

[cabanafrau]

That is a very sad story. She sounds like such an unbelievable sweet person. Some here have suggested welfare checks....I don't like to "rush to judgement" and infringe upon any ones privacy, but it sounds like something is peculiar here. Hopefully, her husband is a loving person and she is "going through a "rough patch", BUT none of us can never say "never" about any situation.
Seems peculiar that she is "always sleeping" when you call or stop by. I can totally empathize how this feels like such a loss. If she were going through a depression, the husband really should welcome friends reaching out and trying. If only for a few moments, a very short visit could do her some good, knowing that people still care about her.Hope that you make some strides with seeing her!

I suggested the possibility of a welfare check, but not as a first choice, knee jerk reaction. I suggested it if the only person in this thread who knows these people had a legitimate sense that something was gravely amiss.

I've seen situations with elderly and/or ill people -- nice, good people, go tragically wrong in a lot of different ways for a lot of different reasons. I don't want to speculate wildly here, but something that has to be considered in situations like this one is -- how competent is the caregiver? It's not impossible that the friend is pretty infirm, physically and/or mentally and things have taken a turn with the husband's competency yet no one has enough perspective on the situation to actually see and recognize it. The physical, mental and emotional stress on caregivers is hard. When an elderly person is thrust into that role it's all the more taxing.

It harms no one for OP to consider in her own mind whether "John" seems to be well physically and cognitively. Does her interaction with him suggest he is physically and mentally capable of caring for his own daily needs and that of his wife -- including whether or not it seems he has the capability of sound judgment in regards to whether or not his wife needs medical attention, and whether or not he is capable of overriding any potential competency issues she has in regards to consenting to medical attention?

If he seems reasonably sound physically and there's no suggestion his mental capacity is diminished, no need for OP to do more than send her friend an occasional thinking of you card and check in with the husband to see if a meal might be welcome or a hand with some shopping, etc. If it appears as if his mobility, hygiene or demeanor are questionable, maybe attempt a little more interaction with him and if concerns seem to warrant, contact adult protective services.

 

[Hisgirl]

I'm going to keep reaching out. I've contacted two other gals whom used to see her a lot and they all loved her, and we are all going to keep reaching out and telling her we love her.

I'm really concerned about the future for her. I'm a planner. Her husband is older and has had cardio issues. Their son won't call and never comes down. If she isn't communicating, I wonder what would happen should something happen. In the past, she would have reached out to me.

I'm having such a hard time letting her go and saying my time with her has ended. The last time she was here, I didn't know it would be the last time (if things don't change) Funny how life happens.

Thank you all for your kind words and concern. And that was really interesting about how having a stroke really changed you, Barkley. That helps to know, thank you.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Wow what a wonderful friend you are. I wish I had a friend like you. Right now I would just keep praying for her. And you could drop her a nice card in the mail now and then and at least she may read it. That may be comforting more than you know. I know for myself I am going through things and I can't leave the house much either. And everyone needs some sun and fresh air. But don't take it personally, because it is not. I am sure she still loves and cares for you and above all I am sure she misses you as well. I will keep her and you in my prayers as well.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

What if she died?

 

[jerseygal]

Wow what a wonderful friend you are. I wish I had a friend like you. Right now I would just keep praying for her. And you could drop her a nice card in the mail now and then and at least she may read it. That may be comforting more than you know. I know for myself I am going through things and I can't leave the house much either. And everyone needs some sun and fresh air. But don't take it personally, because it is not. I am sure she still loves and cares for you and above all I am sure she misses you as well. I will keep her and you in my prayers as well.

Hope for the BEST for you as well!

 

[usnuzuloose]

Hope for the BEST for you as well!

Thank you!