What's the difference between encouraging and pushing?

[emma'smom]

So lately, my dd5 has started down this road of wanting to quit activities. We have a philosophy that we'll let our dd's try any activity they express an interest in trying.

She wanted to do T-Ball....we signed her up...and she spent every game talking to the other girls. Balls would land at her feet and she wouldn't notice. Four games into it, we heard "I don't really like t-ball, it's too hot and all you do is stand around." So, we didnt' sign her up to do t-ball again.

Last year, she wanted to do cheerleading. So we signed her up and she loved it. "Would you like to do it again? Yes, please sign-me up." Great...she's been to three classes this year, and now she wants to quit. "I don't really like cheer anymore. Do I have to go?"

Then there is soccer. "Please let me do soccer, Mommy!". This is a "soccer town" and everyone does soccer...so all of her friends are in it too. She loved practices, but now we have games (non-scored, low pressure games) and we hear "I don't really like soccer, Mommy. We have to run too much."

There seems to be a pattern here. Each time, I say "Let's finish the session..but you dont' have to sign up again.

So, at what point do I stop saying "Ok, that's just not your thing." and let it go and at what point to do push her to keep doing something so she doesn't get the message that it is ok to just keep picking things from the salad bar of life and then quitting when the going gets tought? I don't want to be one of those pushy moms who is really signing her kids up so she can sit in the bleachers and socialize with the other mom's, but I dont' want my dd to send my dd the wrong message about perseverance either.

What do you think?

 

[susykt4]

I think you're setting a great example by making her finish the session but not have to sign up for the next one. She's only 5, her interests will probably change a lot in the next several years. DH and I both work fulltime so we currently only allow one after work/latchkey activity for DD7 and DS5. (They can do other school sponsored activities that fall within the latchkey timeframe.) Both are currently (and conveniently) in the same karate class, but we've done tumbling, cheer, swim lessons, soccer, mad science, tee ball, etc. I think it gets them experience with lots of different things.

My mom was pushy! But only with the things SHE was interested in! I had WAAAAAAAYYYYYY more Girl Scout badges than any of the other girls but I HATED Girl Scouts. Remember those timed math tests with 100 problems you had to finish in X time? At a school open house my mom saw that one of my friends (who she KNEW "I" was WAY smarter than) had a faster time. She made copies of the tests and forced me to do five every night until I had a faster time than the friend. I could go on and on...

 

[Elmo888]

She's young. I would make her finish the session (season, etc.) that you paid for. For example, I paid for a semester of ballet last year for DD (she was in the first grade). She didn't like it, but I made it clear that she chose it and I paid for it. I don't think that it is bad to make her finishe the season or session and tell her she doesn't have to sign up again.

It is just difficult to tell when they are so young. DD7 (now in second grade) tried soccer in the spring of kindergarten (she was 6). She didn't play again until this season (fall of second grade), and it is much different. They play positions, and she is getting a better understanding of working as a team than she did in kindergarten (which is much of the reason why I want her to play on a team). Personally, I thought that soccer at that kindergarten age was a waste of time. All she figured out was that she was one of the slower runners on the team at the time. She seems to have developed since then and isn't one of the slowest runners on the team. She doesn't get as frustrated with the game, either.

I think that they need to try it for a period time (maybe 3 months minimum) to really get an idea. She is young to understand, but as she gets older, she will understand that the work is to get to the end product (win a game, dance recital, etc.). If she has no interest in the end product, then maybe she has no interest in the activity.

I understand your frustration - I'm going through the same thing. I just keep thinking that if we found something she really liked, it would be really obvious. But I am beginning to think otherwise (maybe she's like me!).

Just realize that she is young (I know that I keep saying that), so what she dislikes now, she might like later. For example, you could take a break from soccer, and try it again in a few years. Age does make a difference in what they get out of it (in my experience).

I just keep thinking that if my DD7 likes something, she isn't going to realize or care that it is tough for her. She's trying gymnastics right now, and, even though it looks difficult for her, she seems to like it.

I just look at my niece - she did dance young (3 - 5 yo), then skipped a few years, did gymnastics for few years, and now has been back to dance (drill team) for the last few years. She's in the 7th grade now and was chosen for a performance dance team. It just shows that they can start later and still excel (putting aside the pressure that I feel to find my DD's "talent" or "passion" or whatever at a young age).

I hope that I helped...at the very least, I feel your pain!

 

[badblackpug]

I also make my kids finish the season or the lessons. My philosophy is let them try whatever they are interested in (within reason, of course) but they have to finish the season. If they don't want to do again next year, then fine. This teaches them to complete what they start.

 

[ZuZugal]

I think a child should finish what they start. It is the first lesson to be learned when being a part of a team. Everyone is needed and expected to do their part. If a child is always allowed to "start" but does not "finish" activities they will think it is okay to just drop out of whatever they start.

In general I don't think parents spend enough time explaining activities to kids before signing them up. Letting a child play a sport because all of their friends are playing doesn't really make sense to me.

 

[ksumn1]

My 4 year old DD played t-ball this past summer for the 1st time. She liked to play in the dirt, talk and hug the other kids, and roll in the grass. Occasionally she would take in interest in the ball. But she loved to hit. She wanted to quit and just go play on the playground instead, but we made her finish the season. I think unless a child really, really hates it or is horrible at it (enough so the other players comment) they have an obligation to finish the season. It teaches them that life isn't always fun, and if you promise you'll do something, you should do it.

My almost 9 yr old DD played t-ball, then softball every year since the age of 4. She enjoys it, but is not sure if she wants to play again next year. It's her choice, but she's pretty good at it and it's good exercise. She was having some issues with her hitting this past summer, but we just found out she needs glasses, so that might have been a factor. She knows the commitment involved, so we'll have to wait and see what she decides. But I would probably encourage her to do it.

 

[Perditamarie]

I probably wouldn't have her sign up for anything next time...let her sit out a session and enjoy not doing anything or maybe thinking about what she would like to do.

I remember explaining to my son that we had to pay for the fun classes that we do - he had no idea. I think he was just tired of having to be somewhere at a certain time, even though it was only once a week. I reminded him that he enjoyed it once he was there but if he really didn't want to do it anymore, he could reimburse me for the rest of the session. He was happy to participate from then on, and now I make sure he has a lot of "down" time. Maybe have her chip in some of the fees for the next class she tries.

 

[PollyannaMom]

There seems to be a pattern here. Each time, I say "Let's finish the session..but you dont' have to sign up again.

I think it's actually a good pattern. Your ARE showing her that she is expected to finish the time she signed up for, but also letting her sample lots of things, which I think is great for kids!

I'm guessing you are worried it might spill over into academics someday? Just make it clear whem she's old enough to understand that this policy applies to optional activities. - "If you're doing it only for fun, then only do it if it's fun." Let her know that schoolwork is another matter, and she will have to keep at the subjects that are required even if they are hard work.

It sounds like she's going to be a confident, well-rounded kid!

 

[workinmomof2]

You are not pushing when you make her finish a session. You are teaching her that she needs to complete her obligations. I agree with above, maybe not sign her up next time. I don't agree with the mentality these days that kids have to be involved in everything. If she asks great, if she doesn't I would not mention it to her. Heck when we were kids would would play the sports are the local parks with our friends on our own. We did not have to sign up to participate in the activity. Just get her together with the kids in your neighborhood. There are alternatives.

 

[emma'smom]

Well...she scored a goal in soccer yesterday...now she LOVES soccer again and "Can you please sign me up for indoor soccer for winter?". Ahhhhhhh!!!


At least today she just spent the afternoon in the back yard making mud pies and dumping water on her sister....no score, no equipment, no fee, no sessions, just a big mess =)