What's fair?

[tlh0726]

I cared for my mother who had dementia until she had to be placed in a nursing home. I, too, had 2 older brothers who were both retired but had no time for mom. I worked 40 hrs. a week and had a home and husband to care for (NOT complaining or bragging). I did it because I wanted to and because I would never turn my mom down for anything. She lived in a nursing home until she passed(5 years). My brothers never had time to visit, but when it came time for her estate to be divided they were there with their hands grabbing. It was divided equally, as it should be.Moral to this story--- They have to live with themselves and I sleep at night quite well. No remorse here.

Only if that is the way your mother wished to have it done.

As I tell my mother, it is not about what you think everyone wants you to do, it is about what you want to do. You could leave everything to one person and they still would not be happy, you could divide it out equally amongst everyone and someone will still say someone got more or something they wanted. You can divide it anyway you want, give it to anyone you want, it is yours and only your decision to make. Whether we agree or disagree with it, it is your right to decide what you want and our job to support you in whatever you decide do.

 

[angwill]

I can only speak from what happens in our family. Our mother has lived with each of us. When with each of us we have covered what she could not and never asked each other to help. I never even thought to ask my siblings to help.

I had to add that as for inheritance my mother has nothing but a life insurance policy. She spent anything else she had however she chose. The beneficiary on the policy is one of her 9 sisters that refused to take her in when she asked to move in with her. That was her choice no matter what anyone thinks about it. I think I am the only one who knows about the beneficiary and I can only imagine how that will go over with others. It's not my problem though.

I do suppose you could tell brother number 1 that you only have $50 a month to contribute and if he feels it should be split 3 ways even then he will have to look for services that total $150 so everyone is paying $50.

 

[lunalibre]

To OP - I am so sorry your mother has dementia. My grandmother had dementia, and it was terribly hard on our whole family.

Like many others here have said, you should pay only what you can towards your mother's care. Ideally, yes, you would pay a share equal to your brothers', but that's just not your situation. You're still contributing, and it's a shame your one brother can't understand that. It's not any of his business how you and your other brother come up with the other $400/mo.

Is there a way that your understanding brother could be the one who pays all the bills? Your less-sympathetic brother might then suspect you aren't paying your "fair share", but then at least he wouldn't *know*.

I have to say - as a parent, I can't imagine putting my children in a situation where they would prioritize my continuing care needs over the needs of my grandchildren. Would your mother really want you to take a part-time job to earn money on her behalf at the expense of your time with her grandchildren, when those kids are recovering from a lot of upheavals in their lives?

Do whatever helps you sleep better at night!

 

[angwill]

Note to self: Tell children if I get dementia or can't take care of myself, and I don't have funds....just put me in a nursing home!

As a mom of four, I don't want my kids getting second jobs to take care of me in my old age! I want them to enjoy their lives with their kids and to sacrifice for THEM! Just pop in now and then pat me on the head and say hey mom we love ya! I am ok with that!!

This is exactly what I have told my son to do. I told him when he is grown and married to focus on his family and never feel obligated to take care of me and put stress on his family because of it.

 

[wish*i*was*in*the*vi]

I did not read all the responses, I don't have time to right now- sorry.
I don't know what state your mom lives in, but you need to check with Senior Services or a comparable service agency in your state. Here in Illinois, if a senior has an asset level under $17,000 they qualify for home health care paid for by the state, and also a medic assist alarm in their home. That's asset level not income level. Senior services is in the office next door and the woman that answers the phones and gives the info out sits directly on the other side of the wall from me so I have heard this speech literally a thousand times. I would say it would be worth checking into.

 

[canopynut66]

I have two older brothers. Our mother is 77 years old and has dementia. We have hired a Home Health Aide to come into her house several times a week to check on her, tidy up, fix her some meals, etc. It costs about $600 a month.

One of my brothers is having a fit because I can't contribute much at all to this. But here are the circumstances:

Brother #1: Manager of a good business, makes pretty good money. Has no children. House is paid for. Wife is disabled, collects SSI. They don't do vacations, don't have any luxury items, so are able to afford helping out with this expense.

Brother #2: Vice President of a lucrative design firm. Owns a $1million home, 4 cars (BMW, Lexus, etc.), has every luxury. Can afford just about anything without a second thought.

Me: Single mom with two children. Rural county school teacher. Juggling bills, mortgage on my own, and all expenses with measly child support to help. Living literally paycheck to paycheck with absolutely nothing in savings. (on the up side, I have no debt aside from house and car)

How is fair that I would have to pay $200 a month toward our mother's care? For my brothers, it's a drop in the bucket. They've even said so! But Brother #1 wants it to be "FAIR", so he's insisting that I pay 1/3. Brother #2 and I try to tell him my favorite saying when it comes to fairness and my children: "Fair doesn't always mean equal". I am willing to give what I can, when I can, but absolutely can NOT pay 1/3.

Advice? BTDT?

Edited to add: None of us live near our mom..........the closest one is over 2 hours away, the furthest is over 6 hours away. It's terrible to be so far and feel so helpless.

Not sure if you have checked into it but when our Mother was very ill we had visiting nurses come each day and medicare paid 100% of it all.. her doctor had to suggest this and write an order for it. That helped us a lot as the nurses bathed her and then a different aid did lite meals and changed her bed. Mother had to blood work weekly and nurses also did that in the home. and any therapy when she needed it. sure helped us a lot. then when doctor said she could no longer live alone it works just like leaving a child alone we had to make other arrangements so she moved in with my sister. Hope this can help you all

 

[palavra]

Wow, you are way off base, Why should the brothers have to pay more?? If I read right OP mom is moving in with what you have called the selfish brother when she gets worse.

It really bothers me when people have the attitude well they can afford it let them deal with it or let them pay they have it I don't Entitlement big time

No, you are way off base. This woman was abandoned by her husband and left to raise her kids on a teacher's salary alone. She isn't having money problems because she spent too much or has debt. If anything, the brother might offer to help her and his nieces/nephews out more.

Life isn't fair. This woman has certainly not gotten a fair deal out of life. She is doing what she can. I really hope you aren't this uncaring in real life.

 

[Mama Who]

He does pay my share. And I send him checks when I can. He's not complaining. It's the other brother who doesn't like the arrangement and is being a jerk about it.

If brother 2 is paying your share that's between you and him. It is none of brother 1's business and you should feel free to tell him so. Better yet, brother 2 can tell him so.

That said, if there is an estate later on, you might offer to reimburse brother 2 for the portion of your share he covered. I'm guessing he'll tell you no, but the offer would be good form.

 

[BoardWalkBelle]

wow, i cant believe your brothers, knowing your situation, would not just agree to split the cost between the two of them and not have you pay anything...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think your arrangement, as I understand it, is fair.

You agreed to split it three ways. You have financial issues. A brother has stepped in to help you.

The other brother whining "that's not fair" is childish. He's only paying a third. Why does he care exactly where the other 2/3 is coming.

Don't beat yourself up and just tell him to stuff it.


It would be one thing if you were manipulating your way out of paying through lies or irresponsibility. But you aren't doing that at all. You need a roof over your head and all the basics. If that is stretching your budget as it is--heck no, you shouldn't pay anything. Your first duty is to make sure your children are safe, sheltered (housed!), fed, and clothed and they have all that they NEED.

I don't get why posters are telling you to fork over money you don't have. If your own house is not in order--it is not fair that you must jeopardize your security even further because you have a brother who hasn't grown up yet and gotten past the "it's not fair" stage.

He also needs to learn that fair does not always mean equal.

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

Not sure if this has been mentioned before, but it might be something to look into:

In our state, seniors of a certain income level, are exempt from paying personal property taxes on their home ... just requires a little bit of paperwork. I believe there is also relief available for taxes on their cars, too.

I know it's been a HUGE help for my IL's in freeing up some monthly cash.

Not sure if the state where OP's mother lives even has personal property tax on houses ... but maybe this info will help someone else out there?

 

[cluvsdisney]

I think your arrangement, as I understand it, is fair.

You agreed to split it three ways. You have financial issues. A brother has stepped in to help you.

The other brother whining "that's not fair" is childish. He's only paying a third. Why does he care exactly where the other 2/3 is coming.

Don't beat yourself up and just tell him to stuff it.


It would be one thing if you were manipulating your way out of paying through lies or irresponsibility. But you aren't doing that at all. You need a roof over your head and all the basics. If that is stretching your budget as it is--heck no, you shouldn't pay anything. Your first duty is to make sure your children are safe, sheltered (housed!), fed, and clothed and they have all that they NEED.

I don't get why posters are telling you to fork over money you don't have. If your own house is not in order--it is not fair that you must jeopardize your security even further because you have a brother who hasn't grown up yet and gotten past the "it's not fair" stage.

He also needs to learn that fair does not always mean equal.

You put this better than I ever could.

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation at all. I hope your 1 brother comes to understand that you just don't have the money to help right now and just drops it. Providing care for a sick parent is stressful enough without creating more tension. I wish you all the best.

 

[hereyago]

Hugs to you OP.

The brother who is so worried about honestly has no say in it, that is a deal between you and the other brother.

Second: I have to wonder, is this plan of when things progress with your mom that nosey brother wil take care of her, has bragged that he has enough money to do it, if it may not be a good idea. Meaning:
if he is causing this much of a ruckus now about the money being split, what is he going to do when he has her at his house along with his disabled wife? does he think it won't be expensive to hire aides or caregivers for her, cause it isn't cheap.
Not to mention the emotional toll it will have on him that I am not quite sure he has thought about. Is he going to tell you and your other brother that he wants ya'll to chip in for the day to day care or to come and take turns caring for her, because it isn't FAIR to him even though he chose to do it?

 

[tlbwriter]

Seriously? Wow! I'll just say that I'm glad to be a part of a family that sees things so much differently than you do. Anything that my parents did for me was out of their love for me. Anything that I can do for them in their so-called golden years is also done out of love. Not a sense of obligation or responsibility.

There is a difference between caring for someone because you love them and caring for someone because you've been told they are your responsibility.