What would you do?

[ThreeMusketeers]

So..heres the scenario...when we got married DH and I wanted 2 children...we had our daughter 3.5 years ago now, and we love her dearly, but DH cannot imagine us with anymore kids now. He likes just the 3 of us. While I wanted lots of kids, and settled for 2. And now with the prospect of only having one child is heart breaking to me. I have always had such a close relationship with my sister and want so much for my child to have the same or at least the chance to have the same relationship with a sibling. Not to mention the fact that I personally have always dreamed of a large family. I have spoken with DH over and over and over about this, for the past three years, and he is not budging. (his reasons, are just plain and flat that he is happy with just our one daughter and he likes just the three of us.) I don't know what to do anymore. I think I am just beating myself against a wall here, is this something that one should just "let go" (since I am sure he dosen't enjoy hearing about it every month or so) Or should I keep persisting???

 

[dumboiu]

This is a huge difference you and your husband are having, and in some respects, life altering to you since you were clear you wanted more than one child. You would be much better seeking a professional opinion on this matter rather than asking for advice from a message board. Best of luck to you.

 

[pearlieq]

Unfortunately, this is a big, polarizing decision. You both will need to decide if your feelings on children are more important than your marriage. If having lots of children is a big priority in your life, you and your husband may not be able to make it work.

I agree with the previous poster, some professional counseling may help you two come to a decision about this. One or the both of you may bend, or you may decide it's best for you guys to go your separate ways. Whatever you do, don't "accidentally" get pregnant. It's a recipe for disaster.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[Zurealsoon]

I think you should listen to your DH...kids cost soooo much these days, you can give one child the best of the best ,

 

[luvmydogs]

I agree with dumboiu and pearlique. Having such diametrically opposing views on having another child, coupled with the fact that it's been going on for years makes this very complicated. You're dealing with the potential of deeply hurt feelings along with the possibility of other serious issues--you've tried to discuss this with your dh for three years and still have not come to a resolution. This is not working and a professional is your best bet to help you come to terms with things. If your dh won't go with you, please go alone.

Best wishes to you--I'm sure it's difficult.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Thank you for your views on things. I guess I never thought of it like this before...

Do I want more children more than I want my marriage. Well NO! I love my husband dearly..and my daugher and I feel that there would be no point in leaving my marriage to have more children. He is my best friend and my family. I want more children with him! (lol) Not someone else.
I guess I just wish there was a way to help him understand how important it is for me to have a big family. I am obviously doing something wrong!

 

[luvmydogs]

...I am obviously doing something wrong!

Awww, sweetie, I don't think you're doing anything "wrong." It's just that you both have very strong feelings about a certain very important and life-changing subject--it's just that your opinions are on opposite ends of the spectrum. There's not necessarily anything you can do about an issue like this--understanding each other's point of view within the parameters of a caring, comitted relationship (and it sounds like you have one of those ) and under the guidance of a professional may help you both come to some kind of conclusion without all of the possible hurt.

 

[ElizK]

Is he afraid that he won't be able to love another child as much as he loves your DD? I had thoughts like that before DD#2 was born. I spoke to a friend about it, and she said, "love isn't divided when it is expanded to include others. It's multiplied." That was a turning point for me.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

In general, I think that the "no" should win in a situation like this. In your case, though, it seems like it was a bait and switch--you were led to believe one thing and then he changed it on you. It's not as if you both agreed to one child and then you changed your mind and wanted more children. Two children seemed like your compromise and I wonder if he ever intended on more than one. I would be upset if I were you and I think a professional would be a good idea. Good luck and you are smart working this out and not sacrificing your marriage over it, but you do have a valid point and your DH should understand that.

 

[meuseman]

I think sometimes we have ideas about what we want but we have to be flexible because circumstances can change. It sounds like your DH thought he wanted a few children but after having one, he is happy, grateful and content. I would not necessarily say he pulled a bait and switch because it would have been impossible for him to predict how he would feel about another child before he had one. Maybe now he feels as though he has all he wants and needs and why rock the boat? I can certainly understand how you feel but perhaps stepping back a little, evaluting your situation, financially, emotionally, personally etc. and see if perhaps your DH sees something you do not. Just some thoughts....keep the lines of communication open and I am sure you and DH will make the best decison for your family

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not the kind to automatically jump into the 'go see a counselor' thing. I really am not.

But, in your case, I think that maybe you both should go see a counselor.

If all your DH says is, "Hey, I am happy, one is enough..." then that is not a real reason why you should not have one more. Unless your DH can give you a true and valid reason, then you are going to be left wishing and hoping..

There is a big difference between, " I really do not think we should consider your wishes to have another child BECAUSE.... a. b. c...." And, just simply ignoring and disrespecting your wishes because, "Hey, he is happy... so that must be all that matters." I would consider that selfish and disrespectful. You have a right to be happy, just as he has. And, it is not like you are asking him to have a whole lot of kids.

I think that there might be some underlying issues here.
I think that perhaps a counselor would help you both to get to the deeper issues and resolve your differences. Obviously, you have not been able to get very far on your own.

Like others have said, at this point, this may have become a very emotional and complex subject. A counselor would help to cut thru all of that. Otherwise, it could definately come between you and your DH.

I also wanted to say that I agree with you that the sibling issue is huge.
I am wondering if your DH is an only child????

 

[Serena]

I agree to go to counseling.

I feel bringing a child into a family must be something you both want with all your hearts.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would not necessarily say he pulled a bait and switch because it would have been impossible for him to predict how he would feel about another child before he had one.

I called it a bait and switch because they had decided on 2 children before marrying and then he changed his mind. Of course he could have really believed it and did not intend on changing his mind. But the OP did want more than 2 children and settled for 2, so I think him changing his mind and only wanting 1 is not really fair to her. I can understand if he was not happy being a father, had a terror of a child, etc. Of course sometimes when things are going so well a person is reluctant to rock the boat.

 

[catherine]

Is he afraid that he won't be able to love another child as much as he loves your DD? I had thoughts like that before DD#2 was born. I spoke to a friend about it, and she said, "love isn't divided when it is expanded to include others. It's multiplied." That was a turning point for me.

DH felt exactly the same way when there were just the three of us. He couldn't imagine loving another child as much as he loved our DD, and he felt like he didn't want to cheat another child out of the same kind of love! However when we talked about it, he said that before we had DD he couldn't imagine loving anyone the way that he loved her. I think in the end it was down to our DD that we had our second DD because she wanted a sibling so much and we didn't want her to be an only child. Now DH cannot believe that he felt the way he did. He loves his girls to bits!