What would you do?

[Sadie22]

I just can't imagine telling one of my brothers where and when he could have his wedding.

This is the OP's husband younger sister, I would assume. OP stated that the girl depends on her parents for financial support. She asks what I would do. I would counsel my husband's younger sister regarding financial and marital matters. Actually, when my boys were about the ages of OP's, SIL ASKED for advice regarding her second marriage.

 

[Sadie22]

Destination weddings that people expect others to attend are obnoxious, imo.

Tell her that's lovely she's having the wedding she wants, you're sorry you won't be able to attend. If he can go alone or you two can go as a couple at a minimal cost and want to, agree that'd be an option. Otherwise, they chose the destination wedding, they don't get to choose who attends.

A family member of mine wanted a destination wedding where they'd met - so they had that there, with a literal handful of very immediate family members they paid for. They sent everyone else a pre-wedding thing explaining that they wanted to do this there for this reason, and would not ask people to go on a trip, so they were just doing it alone and when they got back, were hosting a reception to which friends and family would be invited to celebrate with them.

I thought that was a considerate and nice solution. This assuming people will shell out thousands to attend their wedding? That's their problem, not yours.

What a lovely way to handle that.

 

[angierae]

For me, the soccer tournament has nothing to do with it. How can anyone possibly expect people to come up with $2500+ to attend a wedding with THREE MONTHS notice? We sent out save the date cards for our wedding with more notice than that, and 95% of the people who attended were local.

Either DH needs to go alone if it means a lot to him, or he needs to tell her that there is just no way you guys can afford that on that little notice. If I were to hold a destination wedding, I'd be paying for the people to attend that I really, really wanted there, not expecting them to pay for it because I decided to jet off somewhere to get married.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Me and DH have one income, and family members think we can just up and spend money for visiting. We usually have to say no. Its nothing personal, but I am not spending money we dont have. We get about 1 week to vacation a year. And my husband doesnt get paid vacation. So it is money we dont get for a week.

Sometimes you have to say no.

 

[akcire]

In my younger, read single and childless, days I attended multiple destination weddings. Many of them had significant costs involved, all of them gave a minimum of 6 months and more like a one year notice.

I can also tell you all of the destination weddings I attended, resulted in local divorces in less than 5 years. Just an observation.

 

[sookie]

I think that in your situation I would explain that such short notice is difficult for you to accommodate. If pressed I would discuss the cost and associated budgeting.

 

[Friendly Frog]

Thats a no brainer for me...I think destination weddings are really selfish and they should not be offended when people don't choose to blow their vacation money on your one day wedding!

This!

We were married in Hawaii but I did not do an invitation wedding. I felt it was wrong to expect people to travel to my wedding. We had friends who found out about our plans and ASKED if they could come along. We were delighted, but never would we have expected it.

 

[scrapquitler]

Ok, so I have 4 kids, ages 12, 10, 9, and 6. The oldest 2 play on highly competitive soccer teams. They were both scheduled to play in a non-local tournament in May. We have paid tournament costs and coaches fees which are not refundable. Total cost about $300 total.

Funds are tight...not much wiggle room.

Now my SIL has decided to get married at a destination wedding. She wants my DH and I, and 4 kids to be in the wedding. She wants to have it the same weekend as my kids tournament in May. The total cost for us to travel there, stay two nights and come home would be a minimum of $2500. That is assuming gas prices don't continue to rise.

This seems outrageous for us to do this.

I'd rather stay here and send her $500 as a wedding gift.

What would you do?

Send DH to the wedding by himself. People who plan destination weddings have to do so with the understanding that not everyone can partake in expensive travel for their entire family on short notice, and therefore some pepole won't be able to attend.

 

[ceecee]

I would be embarassed to invite anyone to a destination wedding first of all.
That's a lot of $. Some of these are adult type things too, are your kids even invited? My niece got married T-giving weekend, no kids allowed...my DD was 1 at the time and we had never left her before, flights were so expensive and $ was tight, we didn't go. We sent a really nice gift. Marriage lasted 10 months and we never did get a thank you for the gift!
Ask your DH, maybe he can go alone.

 

[North of Mouse]

Thats a no brainer for me---sorry don't have the funds available to spend on getting 6 of us to a destination wedding-period. Even if I had them it is not something I would choose to use 2,500.00 for. I think destination weddings are really selfish and they should not be offended when people don't choose to blow their vacation money on your one day wedding!

This! Totally selfish and unfair. We're not all made out of extra money - some of us actually need it to live on And If we can squeak out a little extra, we should be able to use it where "we" would like to go.

 

[thebeesknees]

We had a similar experience here last fall. DNiece got married in Hawaii and wanted all of us there and in the wedding. There was no way we could swing it financially, not to mention that we would have to pull the kids out of school to attend and we didn't want to do that because they have had trouble in the past getting makeup work done, etc. So we respectfully thanked her for the invitation and for asking us to be in the wedding, and DH explained to her (his niece) that we just couldn't afford it. He finally was able to use frequent flier miles at the last minute to fly out the night before the wedding and came back the day after. It probably wasn't the best use of miles, for 2 nights in Hawaii by himself, but it was the only way we could make it work. DNiece wasn't expecting him, so it was a nice surprise for her that he was able to be there for the ceremony. They had a reception locally when they got back and of course we all went to that. So I guess my suggestion would be for your DH to go by himself and explain to SIL that it was just out of the budget for everyone to be there.

 

[Bob NC]

Nobody but you has enough info to answer. This is all about family dynamics.

In my family and many families, people are going to attend their siblings weddings no matter what.

In many families the decision to attend a siblings wedding isn't so cut and dried.

Whichever of the above describes your family is probably going to be the deciding factor.

I have a feeling, though, that if there were no soccer tournaments involved, you'd still be having the same misgivings about these nuptials.

 

[sweetdana]

I would 10000% send DH by himself. Maybe share a room with a diff family member. I wouldn't pay 2,500$ to bring the whole family.

 

[nilseks]

I agree. Send DH to show that you care and to 'represent' the family. Just explain nicely that it's way too much money for a family of 6.

I'm sure it sounds crazy to some, but I understand the whole tourney thing. My son plays travel baseball and there's a huge expectation for them to be a part of the team. My son is missing part of a tourney this summer for our nieces wedding out of town. The coaches were less than thrilled.

 

[Priorityonecb]

Three months notice of a destination wedding is not very reasonable or respectful the guests. Depending on the family dynamis, I'd either decline the invitation and send a nice gift, or send dh alone to represent the family.

 

[Kellydelly]

I certainly would not go into debt to attend or be a part of someone's wedding. If your children's tournaments are more important than your SIL's wedding, let her know that your children already have an obligation that weekend. I wouldn't have a problem telling her that it is not something your family can afford with such short notice.

 

[Swan4Me]

Now my SIL has decided to get married at a destination wedding. She wants my DH and I, and 4 kids to be in the wedding. She wants to have it the same weekend as my kids tournament in May. The total cost for us to travel there, stay two nights and come home would be a minimum of $2500. That is assuming gas prices don't continue to rise.

This seems outrageous for us to do this.

I'd rather stay here and send her $500 as a wedding gift.

What would you do?

If you are driving, and only staying 2 nights, why is it so expensive????

Are you addding the cost of all the clothes and tux rentals?

 

[taaren]

I'd send DH. Its his sister, for one person to go is cheaper than for 6, and you and the kids have prior commitments you need to take care of.

Perhaps DH can room with his folks even and chip in on their hotel room to keep costs down for both your in-laws and your family?

I had a destination wedding, very small, since our family and closest friends (including DBF who performed the ceremony) lived in three different states we picked a spot that was in the middle for everybody where no one lived (NorCal, Hawaii, Arizona were the states and we married in SoCal). We gave them lots of notice (years) and said the ceremony was mainly for us and anybody who wanted to come was welcome but nobody had to. When one has a destination wedding and on short notice it comes with the expectation that not everybody is going to be able to make it.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I would thank her for the invite and let her know your family is unable to attend or that just your husband would be able to go.

No excuse and no reasons should be necessary. When someone has a destination wedding, they should expect that not everyone invited can attend. Even more so when it's only 3 months away.

 

[North of Mouse]

My family has always been considerate enough not to even think about "destination" weddings. Who dreamed them up anyway? Most people want their families to help them celebrate the "big" day and are considerate enough to have their weddings locally. The "destination" can be their honeymoon. The few that have married elsewhere were doing it to be alone and weren't even wanting or expecting family to travel - was their desire for it to be that way. Weddings are expensive enough without the extra pressure for "everyone" to travel and meet those expenses as well. I definitely would not spend money I could not afford.