What would you do?

[love__goofy]

Ok, so I have 4 kids, ages 12, 10, 9, and 6. The oldest 2 play on highly competitive soccer teams. They were both scheduled to play in a non-local tournament in May. We have paid tournament costs and coaches fees which are not refundable. Total cost about $300 total.

Funds are tight...not much wiggle room.

Now my SIL has decided to get married at a destination wedding. She wants my DH and I, and 4 kids to be in the wedding. She wants to have it the same weekend as my kids tournament in May. The total cost for us to travel there, stay two nights and come home would be a minimum of $2500. That is assuming gas prices don't continue to rise.

This seems outrageous for us to do this.

I'd rather stay here and send her $500 as a wedding gift.

What would you do?

 

[Janepod]

Are you talking about your DH's sister? If so, it's a no-brainer to me: you go to your sibling's wedding.

 

[drcmk]

I'm guessing that your SIL is your husband's sister. So what does he have to say?

Three months is pretty short notice to plan an out of town wedding. I don't think it is unreasonable to say that your kids are already committed to an out-of-town function and that you won't be able to attend.

My bias is that I am not a fan of destination weddings. They ask too much of the guests in terms of time and money.

 

[love__goofy]

Yes, but the crazy part is she still relies on her parents for financial support, but is asking us to put forth $2500 to come to her wedding. If it was a local, I would absolutely be there. It's the cost issue for everyone. Her parents aren't even sure how they are going to afford it.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Tell her you love her, and you're honored she wants you all to be in the wedding, but it's just not manageable at this time. If she persists, just keep repeating, "We love you, and we're all thrilled for you, but we just can't."

Don't give reasons, even if pressed. They'll be seen as excuses ("oh, soccer is more important than my wedding?") or problems to be solved ("we hope you understand just having you there is present enough") or issues ("you love your kids more than you love us!" [yes]). Just keep repeating a version of, "Thank you, but we can't".

 

[iheartpeterpan]

Would it be manageable to send your boys off to their tournament with teammates, shack up your younger 2 with buddies and you and DH go? Would be much cheaper, preserve the family peace and give you and DH a getaway w/out the kiddos.

I also despise destination weddings, unless they are attendance optional.

 

[js]

Yes, but the crazy part is she still relies on her parents for financial support, but is asking us to put forth $2500 to come to her wedding. If it was a local, I would absolutely be there. It's the cost issue for everyone. Her parents aren't even sure how they are going to afford it.

Well, the issue of having tournaments really isn't an issue. I'm sure if the wedding was closer, you would be eating the $300.
The real issue is if you want to attend the destination wedding.
If you can afford it, I think you should go and make a vacation out of it.

 

[disneycruising]

If I could afford it, I would probably send DH alone. It is his family.

You do not need to spend money you don't have! I would have DH explain to HIS family that you just can't afford to go. Send a nice gift and leave it at that.

Really, if SIL was going to do a destination wedding...she should given you enough time to budget for it.

 

[love__goofy]

The tournaments are an issue. If she had the wedding locally, my kids could participate in at least one game Saturday of 2, and both games on Sunday.

The whole thing stinks! Of course, we want to be there, but the cost will kill us...with this little notice.

 

[indimom]

Tell her you love her, and you're honored she wants you all to be in the wedding, but it's just not manageable at this time. If she persists, just keep repeating, "We love you, and we're all thrilled for you, but we just can't."

Don't give reasons, even if pressed. They'll be seen as excuses ("oh, soccer is more important than my wedding?") or problems to be solved ("we hope you understand just having you there is present enough") or issues ("you love your kids more than you love us!" [yes]). Just keep repeating a version of, "Thank you, but we can't".

Would it be manageable to send your boys off to their tournament with teammates, shack up your younger 2 with buddies and you and DH go? Would be much cheaper, preserve the family peace and give you and DH a getaway w/out the kiddos.

I also despise destination weddings, unless they are attendance optional.

I think these are your two best options.
Use kaytieeldr's advice if the trip is not within your budget at all.
Use iheartpeterpan's advice if you can afford the trip for two.
Good Luck. These types of family issues are never fun.

 

[LilyWDW]

With only 3 months before the wedding, your SIL is expecting you (and others) to pay $2500 to attend her wedding? And you say that is just for travel and the stay? What about the costs of being in the wedding (you said all of you)? The clothes, shoes, ect? Did you take those costs into account or are they all being covered?

Honestly, I would apologize and say that you will not be able to do that. Maybe I am heartless, but that seems a bit short notice to be IN a wedding and especially for invites to a destination wedding.

 

[englishteacha]

Wow...$2500 to get to a wedding. My wedding cost about $2500. It was in my hometown, and many relatives and friends had to travel a bit. I totally understood when some folks just couldn't make the trip because they lived farther away. I don't care who you are, I'm not spending $2500 to attend someone's wedding. That's more than a month's pay. We honestly don't have that much available money. Where on earth are they getting married??

Could you stay home and just send your husband, if it's necessary to keep the family peace? Even then, that's going to be costly, unless he can take the Greyhound and stay at a Motel 6 nearby!

 

[LilyWDW]

Wow...$2500 to get to a wedding. My wedding cost about $2500. It was in my hometown, and many relatives and friends had to travel a bit. I totally understood when some folks just couldn't make the trip because they lived farther away. I don't care who you are, I'm not spending $2500 to attend someone's wedding. That's more than a month's pay. We honestly don't have that much available money. Where on earth are they getting married??

Could you stay home and just send your husband, if it's necessary to keep the family peace? Even then, that's going to be costly, unless he can take the Greyhound and stay at a Motel 6 nearby!

I was thinking about the amount too... that is more then half my tuition for a semester of grad school. For two nights.

Or, that was my room at POFQ for 9 nights and 2 sets of 8 day tickets.

That is a lot of money....

 

[brockash]

Ok, so I have 4 kids, ages 12, 10, 9, and 6. The oldest 2 play on highly competitive soccer teams. They were both scheduled to play in a non-local tournament in May. We have paid tournament costs and coaches fees which are not refundable. Total cost about $300 total.

Funds are tight...not much wiggle room.

Now my SIL has decided to get married at a destination wedding. She wants my DH and I, and 4 kids to be in the wedding. She wants to have it the same weekend as my kids tournament in May. The total cost for us to travel there, stay two nights and come home would be a minimum of $2500. That is assuming gas prices don't continue to rise.

This seems outrageous for us to do this.

I'd rather stay here and send her $500 as a wedding gift.

What would you do?

Honestly, if it were my dsis, I'd talk to her about the date. My dsis's and I are very close, and I can't imagine a scenario that they wouldn't be able to move their wedding date to another weekend nor a situation that I wouldn't. In all honesty, I'd never put a date in place before talking to my family about available dates anyways (especially before speaking to ppl. that I want IN my wedding.)

If it really just isn't possible for the date to be switched, I'm not sure what I'd do. It'd be really frustrating to let down both of my kids soccer teams, coaches not to mention my kids when it was something we already committed to.

 

[aprilgail2]

Thats a no brainer for me---sorry don't have the funds available to spend on getting 6 of us to a destination wedding-period. Even if I had them it is not something I would choose to use 2,500.00 for. I think destination weddings are really selfish and they should not be offended when people don't choose to blow their vacation money on your one day wedding!

 

[HookedOnDiz]

What would I do?

I would go to the wedding. Using a soccer game as an excuse to miss a family wedding sounds like a recipe for disaster and years of bad feelings.

If you can't afford it, thats another matter. If the money is an issue just be an adult and tell her you can't afford it. Otherwise, suck it up and go to the wedding with a smile on your face. You just might have a good time.

 

[Sadie22]

"Hey, Sis, Mom and Dad can't afford your plans. Your brother and I cannot afford your plans. Your nephews are involved in these sports teams which have tournaments that weekend. Can you come up with another date and a closer location, and then go to the destination for your honeymoon? A wedding is one day. A marriage and family is for life."

 

[Janepod]

I just can't imagine telling one of my brothers where and when he could have his wedding.

 

[AnninIowa]

I would be honest with her and say you just can't afford it. Actually, you need your husband to tell her as it is his sister. Trying to just tell her you can't go isn't going to wotk and she will keep pestering you. BE HONEST!!! You cannot afford it!!!

 

[cornflake]

Destination weddings that people expect others to attend are obnoxious, imo.

Tell her that's lovely she's having the wedding she wants, you're sorry you won't be able to attend. If he can go alone or you two can go as a couple at a minimal cost and want to, agree that'd be an option. Otherwise, they chose the destination wedding, they don't get to choose who attends.

A family member of mine wanted a destination wedding where they'd met - so they had that there, with a literal handful of very immediate family members they paid for. They sent everyone else a pre-wedding thing explaining that they wanted to do this there for this reason, and would not ask people to go on a trip, so they were just doing it alone and when they got back, were hosting a reception to which friends and family would be invited to celebrate with them.

I thought that was a considerate and nice solution. This assuming people will shell out thousands to attend their wedding? That's their problem, not yours.