What would you do?

[North of Mouse]

Op again

Thanks so much for all of the support. At this point, we are going to tell SIL that we just can't make it. If we can get someone to take our oldest to the tournament, then my DH will fly, if we can get a great rate.


We feel terrible, but there is just not anyway for us to make it w/o putting us in a major crunch.

My DH's DSIS and DF are going to hit the fan. They are going to be so angry.

Well, la-de-da, so they'll be angry - they can get glad in the same clothes they got mad in -just MHO. I can't imagine anyone I know doing such a thing, and then getting mad because you can't afford it - What a bunch of jerks, family or not. They had to know the position they were putting family in and should graciously accept the "Sorry, would love to make it, but can't" ones. To me, if you go when you so clearly can't afford it, it will just make their next demands (yes demands) that much more ridiculous, and would show poor judgement on your part. And no, I would not feel terrible about not going and "putting yourselves in a major crunch". They will learn soon enough what "money crunches" are - doesn't sound like she's had to learn much of anything yet about supporting her own self. Sounds harsh, maybe to some, but sorry, not to me - she put herself in this position.

 

[marthachick]

We feel terrible, but there is just not anyway for us to make it w/o putting us in a major crunch.

My DH's DSIS and DF are going to hit the fan. They are going to be so angry.

If this were my SIL (no D here if she's pitching a fit!) then, I'd tell her sorry, we can't. And IF it wouldn't cause too much problem, DH could go if he wants.

If they pitch a hissy fit (Southerner here ), then that shows just how self-serving they are. They'll get over it when they want something else!

Too bad her parents won't tell her it's over the top!

 

[Bob NC]

I wouldn't have my kid in travelling soccer to start with.

VERRRRY helpful!! Right on topic.

 

[ICF]

Honestly---I think already having $600 tied up in soccer tournaments is enough of a reason not to go, or at least not have all 6 of you there.

If that's not enough -- 3 months notice to go to a destination wedding that will cost you upwards of $2500 or more if also a fine reason.

IMO -- as others have said, it's a selfish thing to do. Have the destination part be the honeymoon and not the wedding. If you plan this, you really are either not expecting many people to show up or are just so young and stupid you think people will drop everything to spend the day with you.

I'd pass -- even if it were my sister.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Thats a no brainer for me---sorry don't have the funds available to spend on getting 6 of us to a destination wedding-period. Even if I had them it is not something I would choose to use 2,500.00 for. I think destination weddings are really selfish and they should not be offended when people don't choose to blow their vacation money on your one day wedding!

Couldn't have said it better. I've never heard of anyone expecting an entire family to come for a destination wedding, BTW. Maid of honor and Best man at most, and even at that don't be offended if they can't make it.

 

[AshleeH]

If it's a money issue: I would send my DH and only him - it is his sister, after all, and family is family.

If it's a preference of soccer over the wedding: Again, family is family.

I didn't have time to read the entire thread, but it sounds like it's more of a money issue, so you should definitely work it so your DH could go. It's not worth the fallout and that would take the sting out of your kids not being there.

I've heard of numerous destination weddings with the entire family there (heck, that's why Disney has an entire section on it with the number of guests allowed) so it's not unheard of to want your family around you and want the wedding of your dreams.

You have to remember, 3 months is a good time to let someone know about their wedding (save-the-dates usually go out in 3-6 months). And it's very flattering that she wanted all of your kids to be in the wedding. It's a pain for you, as the mother, to eat the cost of all of them being in the wedding, but that is the burden of being in weddings: accepting the expense.

I can totally understand if the funds aren't there, but siblings have the longest ties of anyone else in our lives, and making the effort for your DH to go would be a nice thing. My sister couldn't be at my wedding (nine years ago) and I still wish we could've arranged it at a time when she could make the trip. The family pictures just look so incomplete.

 

[crisi]

VERRRRY helpful!! Right on topic.

Then why is it in the OP? If its off topic, don't mention it.

 

[elfbo]

I had a destination wedding, but before I even picked a date and started booking vendors, I spoke with everyone that was essential for me to attend to make sure that they would be able to make it, had enough time to save, and no horrible conflicts.

I did all of that 9 months out so that everyone had plenty of time to save. I even helped them preplan flights and rooms so they would know what the cost would be and if they would be able to do it on their budgets.

Its very rude of them to plan something with such a fast turn around and expect you to be there. Only mitigating factor is, maybe they dont realize it is going to cost so much for your family, so didnt even try and factor that in.

Dont tear yourself to bits trying to go if you cant afford it, and dont stress out too much about the fact that she is going to be mad.

 

[marthachick]

You have to remember, 3 months is a good time to let someone know about their wedding (save-the-dates usually go out in 3-6 months).

Not if it's a destination wedding that is going to cost your family that kind of money and upset their schedule. We did parent's 50th anniversary party in December & we set the date with all immediate family members in January. That's 11 months ahead and none of us had to travel or incur any excess expense.

 

[momof3ds]

I would politely decline the offer or see if there is a way your husband can attend at a reasonable rate.

I don't buy the family is all important argument. If it were, sil would have consulted everyone earlier or would have planned something more reasonable.

To add in, my wife's family just started planning a reunion in Hawaii like 2-3 months ago for this summer. We have been planning a disney trip in august since last august (making monthly payments). Plus, a local road trip involving some members of my family earlier in the summer. for the 5 of us to go to hawaii would be a minimum of $6000 (airfare and hotel off a travel website, not inlcuding food, etc). I told her that if she wanted to she could go solo, then we have no need for a hotel room (she could stay with her mother) and she could use points for an airline ticket.

 

[meg8017]

sorry OP, sounds like a crappy position to be put in. I would politely decline and send a nice gift if you can afford it. I too think destination weddings are selfish. Even if you give someone more notice so they can save up, you're making the assumption of how they'd spend their money. As much as I love my family and some close friends, I don't think I'd be happy saving for months (which we'd need to do) and then being told where my vacation was going to be, because we're not in a position to travel twice in a year so if we went to a destination wedding, that'd be it for us that year, maybe longer depending on cost. I just think asking people to spend THOUSANDS of dollars on you is insane. What a sense of entitlement. and if they can't or won't, doesn't give you the right to be mad. Disappointed, sure, but not mad. People work hard for their money and have the right to spend it how they see fit. I hope your family doesn't revisit this when you go to Disney, it's not their business.

 

[North of Mouse]

Yes, but the crazy part is she still relies on her parents for financial support, but is asking us to put forth $2500 to come to her wedding. If it was a local, I would absolutely be there. It's the cost issue for everyone. Her parents aren't even sure how they are going to afford it.

Now, if anyone would like to know why (like PP said) this is totally insane and selfish of SIL, even the parents can't afford to go. AND, she's being supported by the parents still. What i'd like to know is, who footed the bill for this wedding - the parents (the ones that can't themselves afford the trip) or someone else? If the parents did it under these circumstances, no wonder she's a spoiled brat, they're just enabling her. I sure wouldn't waste another thought on going to her wedding, it's outrageous and someone needs to tell her so. Harsh, maybe, but that is called reality and tough love.

 

[Swan4Me]

I also wonder about the age of this SIL

From ages of OP's kids , I'm guessing everyone is in their 30's-40's?
Not a blushing young 20 something-right?
You would think SIL would realize how much $$ this destination wedding is costing?


My son just booked a condo for a destination wedding today, ironicallyThey will drive 6 hours to the beach and he & 2 buddies share the cost of the condo-at much cheaper early May rates (vs Summer rates)-so its not that i am anti-destination wedding.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Neither of us would skip a sibling's wedding, but since it is so pricey I would just have dh go instead of the whole family.

 

[marthachick]

I don't buy the family is all important argument. If it were, sil would have consulted everyone earlier or would have planned something more reasonable.

 

[EMom]

sorry OP, sounds like a crappy position to be put in. I would politely decline and send a nice gift if you can afford it. I too think destination weddings are selfish. Even if you give someone more notice so they can save up, you're making the assumption of how they'd spend their money. As much as I love my family and some close friends, I don't think I'd be happy saving for months (which we'd need to do) and then being told where my vacation was going to be, because we're not in a position to travel twice in a year so if we went to a destination wedding, that'd be it for us that year, maybe longer depending on cost. I just think asking people to spend THOUSANDS of dollars on you is insane. What a sense of entitlement. and if they can't or won't, doesn't give you the right to be mad. Disappointed, sure, but not mad. People work hard for their money and have the right to spend it how they see fit. I hope your family doesn't revisit this when you go to Disney, it's not their business.

Amen! $2500 may not be a lot of money for some people on this board, but I'd hazard a guess that for most Americans, $2500 is a major chunk of change that would adversely affect the family budget for a year or two. When you decide to have a destination wedding, you MUST be prepared to have every single guest (yes, family too) say to you, "No, we will not be able to attend." Maybe they cannot afford it. Maybe they can't get the time off. Maybe if they take the money out of savings, they won't get another vacation for a year or more. Maybe if they spend their vacation time on your wedding, they will be diddled out of a family vacation they had planned. Maybe they simply do not want to spend thousands traveling to some city you chose to make yourself happy, because they choose to budget their money on yard gnomes.

And when people decline to attend your destination wedding, you should accept that graciously. It's the "cost" of choosing a destination wedding. For my part, I would decline....and that includes spending money to send your DH there.....and never give it a second thought. Nothing difficult about this decision.

If SIL has a hissy fit, so be it. Her problem. Time she grows up. Maybe if she had to pay her own bills, she'd be more aware of how much she is demanding of others.

 

[blessedby3]

Sister or Sister in Law...there is no way that I would be able to spend that kind of money on going to a wedding. That is just selfish to expect a family to do that. DSis in law should not be throwing a fit about this. Sounds like a spoiled DSis to me! That kind of price would put a huge burden on our family and I would just have to say Im sorry we cant make it Family is very important to me, but putting such a financial burden on our family is not an option. I would just have to watch the DVD of the ceremony!
My DD is getting married in July and wanted so much to have a Disney World wedding. I told her IF we could even swing it, she would have to accept that it would probably just be her parents, siblings, and grandparents. She opted to have friends and family at her wedding and have it locally!