what would you do?

[dreamcometrue]

ok, I can't talk about this with anyone in my family, and I don't even want to talk to my real life friends about it, but I have to get it out and ask someone's opinion...

I found out that my BIL is cheating on my SIL. I don't particularly like my SIL, I have had issues with her for a while. I mean, we are civil, and I don't think she realizes I don't care much for her, but truth be told...I can't stand her! But that's not the problem here. Even though I don't like her, I don't think she deserves to be cheated on. No woman (or man for that matter!) does! Her and my BIL have been having problems for a while, he has told my DH several times that he doesn't love her anymore, but doesn't want to divorce her because they own a restaurant, and real estate. She hasn't worked since she got pregnant 9 years ago, and he is afraid that he will lose his restaurant and doesn't think she "deserves" half of everything he worked so hard for! He has said often that he isn't attracted to her, and finds her "disgusting" because she's gained weight! Yes, I know, he is a jerk! He is almost 50 years old and now has a 21 year old girlfriend that he meets in hotel rooms. He told my DH this and told my DH not to tell a soul. Well, of course he told me!

I just don't know what to do...part of me thinks it's none of my business, another part of me thinks she deserves to know. But this is family, I have to face them on holidays, etc. I don't want to be the bad guy!

Another thing that really ticks me off is, my BIL keeps asking my DH "oh come on, would you not cheat if you had the chance?" and "I know you must have thought about cheating" and "are you only staying with her (me) for the kids?" My DH's and my marriage is rock solid. We do everything together! Whereas my BIL and his family...they go on vacation together once a year, that's it. They don't do any other family things together. It's either him or my SIL taking my niece to Disneyland, they don't go out to dinner together (it's always one or the other taking my niece). I hardly ever see the 3 of them together! I think he is asking my DH these questions hoping he'll get a "damn right I would" or something, to make him feel better about cheating on his wife! My DH tells him "I love my wife, I would not screw up my marriage by cheating, and I don't want to anyway". But he keeps pressing him about this saying "oh, but you could 'work late' it would be so easy". I really, really want to confront my BIL about saying these things to my DH, but he's not supposed to know that he has told my DH all these things!

So, what would you do? *sorry this turned out to be so long*

 

[I'mNoPrince]

He's a Pig and trying to get the rest (DH )to follow.

I would just type up a nice note and send it . No one needs to know where it came from or how the info was found out.

I've always said if you don't like it then get out . Why do people insist on cheating and lying about it.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I would never betray my husband's confidence. I'm sure he did not tell you thinking that you would ever breathe a word of it. I can understand you feeling that your sil has a right to know, but I don't think it's your place to reveal that info. I also think that you're very aggravated with your bil for not respecting your marriage as well. Seriously, don't make your husband ever doubt that he can confide in you for fear that you might say something. I'm sure you've lost a ton of respect for your bil, but don't let this cause problems between your husband and you.

 

[poohandwendy]

That is a tough one.

I am assuming that the BIL is your DHs brother, right? What does your DH have to say about it? Does he want to say something?

We have always had an unwritten rule that I leave it to my DH when it comes to dealing with his side of the family and he does the same for me. Mainly because any interference can end a blood relationship, I am not willing to do that without his being in total agreement.

So, what I would do is talk to my DH about it, weighing the pros and cons of getting involved. To be honest, spilling the beans may not have the result you are looking for. You could end up being the bad guy and their relationship could continue on a dysfunctional path. I woul not get involved unless my DH was wholeheartly wanting to.

Good luck with it, that is really sad.

Btw, I would not worry about what he is saying to your DH...he is trying to justify his behavior by finding someone who will tell him what he wants to hear. Yes, it's disrespectful, but I would consider the source. Not a pillar of family values, is he?

 

[poohandwendy]

Seriously, don't make your husband ever doubt that he can confide in you for fear that you might say something.

I totally agree. Your relationship is your primary concern, don't let other peoples issues cause a problem in your marriage.

 

[KristinBelle]

I think the typed anonymous note is a good idea.

 

[manning]

You do the smart thing and play the three monkeys.

See no evil
Hear no evil
Speak no evil

DON'T TOUCH THIS WITH A 100 FOOT POLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[grlpwrd]

Well, it's not just about infidelity now because it can pose a health risk to your SIL (STDs).

If it were me, I would tip her off anonymously as already mentioned. I would do it for the "sisterhood." GL!

 

[dreamcometrue]

thanks for all your replies! This really is difficult. I saw him at Thanksgiving, and was disgusted with him! He did not even want to sit next to his wife. She felt like an idiot, when she asked him several times to sit by her at the Thanksgiving table, and he wanted to not only sit across from her but at the other end of the table. I knew he was cheating by then, and kept looking at him thinking "you big ol' jerk". Then, he left right after dinner, saying he had a headache and was tired. Yeah right!! It just makes me so angry! I did not know about what he told my DH about the "would you cheat" questions, otherwise, I wouldn't even been able to be somewhat civil to him for the sake of Thanksgiving!

Like I said, I am not a big fan of my SIL's but she certainly doesn't deserve this!!

I really don't know what to do. If I were to send an anonymous note, my DH would surely find out about it through my BIL (it's his brother) and my DH would right away suspect me. He told me to keep it to myself and he would be mad at me for doing something like that. Would love to talk to my other SIL about it. I get along great with her and she always knows what to do. But I can't be 100% sure she won't say something to my BIL!

This is going to eat me up inside, and I have to face them again at Christmas and act like nothing is wrong!

 

[Alaska Catdog]

I believe you that your marriage is rock solid and so I am going to make a suggestion that may seem odd. Ask your DH if he is willing to confront BIL with you. I don't mean to confront him about the cheating but about his attempts to destroy your marriage so he's not so lonely on his downward spiral. Clearly he's trying to justify his actions and share "a good thing" with your DH. If you truly have a rock solid marriage go to him as a united front and tell him how happy you are together and wish him the best with the way he has chosen to handle the problems in his marriage (which would be NOT AT ALL) and ask him to leave the two of you out of it. By doing this you will show him that the two of you communicate and have a rock solid marriage so he better just lay off. He may feel betrayed that your husband shared this information with you but it was inappropriate for him to assume that the two of you don't share important conversations you have with other people that effect your lives. He's assuming that your marriage is similar to his and you need to show him the difference together.
I do think the wife needs to know because of the health risks (let's face it most 21 year olds aren't that concerned with their mortality) but I'd confront him as a couple first and then decide as a couple what to do. He's asking too much of your husband to keep this secret, it's not fair and it's not right and your husband should feel no obligation to maintain his confidence, you on the other hand do need to maintain your husband's confidence so it is not for you to tell your SIL.
That's my two cents, good luck and may god's love be with you.
__________________

 

[barkley]

just to let you know-in these situations you are generaly 'damned if you do or damned if you don't'. if you tell (openly or anon.) and they stay together you will likely either be 'the snitch' or 'the person who tried to break up our marriage', if they break up you're 'the person who tore apart our family'. the messenger in these situations generaly gets 'shot' and it can be a lingering death that family drags up at every opportunity in keeping quiet, when it is learned that you knew-you may be labled a co-conspiritor who 'helped to ruin our marriage'. it's a very hard place to be in.

my sil tolerates (at best) myself and my mother-over 20 years ago my brother had an affair and we said nothing to her (in all honesty we did'nt know it was an affair-my brother for years had brought male and female friends who shared a common hobby over to my mothers, often while in the company of his wife-he introduced the woman as one of these friends and we thought nothing of it)-in my sil's mind we 'betrayed' her by not telling her about this relationship and she has never been terribly friendly since (yet she forgives my brother his transgressions and seemingly forgets his part in it ).

i think your dh needs to tell his brother that he does not wish to hear anything further about this situation-that in hearing of it and not being able to do anything about it he feels he is passivly supportive of it (which it sounds as though your dh def. is not).

btw-seems to me that if sil has been a sahm for 9 years she's done quite a bit of contributing to her dh building up his assetts, maybe he should consider what it's going to cost him to have all the domestic services taken care of that she currently does to get an idea of her contributions.

i would also think that sil may already know or at least suspect whats going on-it's very rare that someone can carry off a 'secret affair', and if they're 'moteling' it-at some point (if sil does any of the household accounting) she's going to catch on to those charges as well as the associated 'expenses' a 21 year old generaly requires to hang out with a 50 year old

 

[dogsmom]

You do the smart thing and play the three monkeys.

See no evil
Hear no evil
Speak no evil

DON'T TOUCH THIS WITH A 100 FOOT POLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely agree!! You will only get yourself in trouble.

 

[themarquis]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation.

On the one hand, he is obviously a jerk, and deserves whatever it is he has coming to him (I can't believe what he said about finding her 'disgusting' because she gained weight -- probably because of having his kids -- and about how he doesn't want her to get anything in the divorce, as if she deserves 0.00 for taking care of said kids and his household for so many years!!) and I do agree with other posters that if he is putting his wife at risk of STDs (as well as harming her in other ways), then she needs to be informed ...

BUT ... if you are the informer, then you are placing yourself squarely in the middle of their problems ... not a good position to be in! You can bet that if you inform her, that will only be the start of your relationship with them and their marital problems. Either you will be blamed for the problems, or you will become the SIL's emotional support, or both.... not good!

IMO she needs to divorce him and fleece him for all he's worth and take that restaurant away from him... she deserves a lot better, and he deserves very very little.

But... the big question is ... what should you do? Do you want to be involved in their issues? Do you want to be the target of their hostility?

I believe if it were me I might tell her ... I just can't see any other really good ethical possiblity. Sending her an anonymous note might be acceptable and "get the job done". But it would IMO be pretty nonconfrontational and passive-agressive. Sitting down with her and your husband, or having your husband tell her, might be acceptable as well. Yet you'd still involve yourself in a way that might be excessive. Have you thought about (sorry if someone else suggested this -- if so I didn't see it) telling your BIL that if he doesn't tell her, you will? Then it will be his call to broach the subject and be worked out between them ... however, unfortunately, you will still be involved in a small way, and probably incur the wrath of BIL.

Sigh ... sorry I cannot offer you any clear answers. It is a terrible situation you are in. Do you mind me asking how you found out about the affair? If BIL told you directly, then it might make it more legitimate for you to tell SIL. On the other hand, if you just intuited it or if your husband told you, then you are more removed from the situation and might wait and see if someone else tells him.

 

[blondeheroine]

I've got to agree that you should keep this between you and your husband as your husband is your primary concern and you wouldn't want to do anything to cause a rift in your relationship.

And the sad thing is - she probably knows. There was a situation like this in my family where the woman knew her husband was cheating and asked someone who knew if he was and wanted an honest answer. The other family member told her the truth (yes, he was cheating) and after a few days, she stopped having anything to do with the family member who had answered her honestly and went on living her life as if she had no knowledge of the facts. I know it seems harsh, but you'd honestly be best if you stayed far, far away from this scenario. Karma is harsh and will deal with the BIL when the time is right. I would just focus on my relationship that sounds solid. No reason to weaken those bonds over someone else's failing marriage that will, no doubt, come to an end before long anyway.

 

[grinningghost]

Well, it's not just about infidelity now because it can pose a health risk to your SIL (STDs).

If it were me, I would tip her off anonymously as already mentioned. I would do it for the "sisterhood." GL!

Yep. I agree. And what pushed me over the edge on my decision to agree was your BIL saying those things to your DH about cheating on YOU. That would be enough for me to throw him under the bus.

 

[Nancyg56]

You do the smart thing and play the three monkeys.

See no evil
Hear no evil
Speak no evil

DON'T TOUCH THIS WITH A 100 FOOT POLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITA>

I would bet your SIL knows and has chosen not to discuss it. She probably would not thank you for letting her know that you know.

 

[auntpolly]

First of all I would refuse to lie for anyone.

I'd tell DH that he should be urging his brother to stop or tell the truth.

This kind of thing sucks so much -- I'd want to say to BIL that if he didn't tell her I was going to.

 

[Mermaid02]

I wouldn't say anything about the cheating... BUT I would make it oh so obvious that I didn't like the brother in law. Let him wonder what people know. Flippin pig. I'd hope he caught an STD but wouldn't want his wife to be infected. I'm disgusted.

 

[U2_rocks!]

If he finds his wife so disgusting then he probably isn't sleeping with her - at least that will protect her.

She's got to have an inkling by now that his interest lies elsewhere. I'd be so steamed at him, but I wouldn't say anything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Bottom line, I would stay out of it. More than likely SIL knows...

Now if my SIL came to me and asked me, I wouldn't lie.