what would you do, Parenting teen question

[Tiggeroo]

I have twin 16yo sons who share a bedroom and we have no family room. One son is much more social then the other. He always has friends over. The other son likes his quiet time. The main problem is the social son has one friend who is always here. He comes over before the son comes home and hangs in the bedroom. If the one son has an afterschool activity or sport on the weekend, this boy is here first. He is always finding a reason to sleep over on the weekends. He is a very nice boy, but sometimes it drives me crazy. The other son really doesn't want somebody here all the time. He doesn't complain, but has confided this to me. There is no way he can say, go home I want my room to myself without looking like a jerk to the crowd of teens who hang here.
I can't think of a reasonable way to come up with limits. This kid is like glue. And if you say no he asks why, or will keep bugging about it. It sounds worst then it is. Mostly typical teenage stuff, except that he always wants to be here. Once he gets here he needs a ride home, so he'll be like waiting for a ride for an hour or more. What would be a reasonable way to deal with this, without making the son who needs down time seem like a jerk.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Tell the kid that it is your house and you have rules. And then state the rules you have. I don't think you need to explain anyting to him. If you don't want to give him a ride homemake it clear that you will not do it. Also you need to set limits with your son who is this boy's friend.

I think it is weird that he waits in your son's room for him when he is not there! If you don't like it tell him he can't come in!

 

[C.Ann]

The first thing I was going to suggest is that you tell this boy that you would like to spend more FAMILY time with your sons but somehow I don't think it will matter to him..

Seems I recall a similar situation with one of my kids friends when they were teens - but gosh darn it - I can't remember what I did about it! Must have said SOMETHING or the kid would still be here - right? LOL

Maybe something along the lines of "the boys have chores"; "the boys need to spend more time on their school work"; "sorry, but we're going to a family gathering" ------ ???????

 

[Melora]

Usually I would approach it in a very nice matter of fact manner.. such as saying.. You know what, today is a bad day for me, (or hubby sometimes easier to blame it on someone else) and we can't have anyone at the house today. If he askes why say "Its just family business...." And you could say, "if you are going to come over after school (if he still can) you will need to get a ride home because I just can't do it all the time" or today, or ever..whatever works. Be very matter of fact without giving other options.

 

[Tiggeroo]

He like infiltrates. He'll be here when I'm home from work. The other son will be here but that's not who he's really here to hang with. If he were to go home after school he would need to be on the bus, but he just walks here or another friends house. Then he just assumes he can stay here. I don't want somebody here from the time my kids walk in the door til they go to bed, not even at 16yo.
He is hampering my social son. If he is at a track dinner,instead of hanging afterwards with the team he comes home cause he knows this boy is hanging around waiting for him (even if it's down the block instead of in my house). When I don't let him in, he doesn't go home. He just roams around til my son gets home, cause once he goes home he knows his parents won't drive him back out. When my son has an out of town friend sleep over, this boy horns in on it. My son runs at school all 3 seasons and goes to camp in the summer so he is very busy. He has a youth leadership group he is involved in as well. So his friend time is limited especially during the school year. Since he rarely has alot of patience, I thought he would get tired of this. He has broken up with girlfriends for the same reason. But no. I guess I'll have to.
For starters nobody can come here right from school. My boys will have to do homework and chores, then ask if somebody can come over. But I don't know how much it will help since he'll just keep walking by and calling to see if they are done.

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

Does he have family troubles that cause him to not want to go home?

That was my first thought in reading this.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Treat him like your own and put him to work LOL. I'm serious.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Does he have family troubles that cause him to not want to go home?

It's possible, a bit.
I do put him to work. The problem is that one son just wants a break.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would say to your social son that he needs to go and spend some time at his friends house.
We try and alternate that way parents get a break.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Part of the problem is I live in a beach house and all the boys are surfers. This is why my place is base. Most of them, even if they live on the island need a ride to the beach. Alot of local boys walk to the beach to get in some surfing after school.
This boys home problems involve a couple of older brothers who are getting in some trouble. Unless I know they're not around or for certain the mom is home I don't let them go there. The family is dealing with the situation but this younger guy sort of gets left out.

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

I think maybe you should delve into this a little more. Find out what's going on in his home life. There has to be a reason why he's always at your house other than he just wants to hang out with your son...especially if he's hanging out there when your son's not even home!!

Is there a way you could talk to him alone, kind of find out what's going on? I understand your other son wants a break, but I really wonder what's going on with this kid that he just does NOT want to go to his own home!! Kinda sad, if you ask me.

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

Oh, well, we posted at the same time. That could explain WHY he spends so much time at your house.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, then if that is the case the kids can only be inside at a certain time. Like up until 5pm, lets say. After that time everyone has to either go home OR get out of your house. Blame it on yourself that you want to spend family time in the evening, that way your son can save face, the kid can "hang" and people get some peace.

Or you could designate a couple of days a week to "friend-free" house.

I feel for this boy but your other son shouldn't have to shoulder this burden in his own home.

It sounds like this needs to be handled in a delicate way. I hope you figure this out. Good Luck

 

[crazyme5kids]

I don't know if this will ease your frustration with the situation, but I just remembered this story that has to do with my mom.
In a nutshell, it was very much like your situation. A boy who spent way too much time at our house due to his family situation. Well about 6 years ago (long after he had graduated high school, at least 20 years) he stopped over to see my mother. She hadn't seen him since his high school days although she had received on very rare occasions letters from him (when he was in Vietnam, when he got married etc...). Anyway, he stopped by to tell her thank you for her kindness all those years ago. He said he never forgot how he felt safe and cared for and what a diffrence that made in his life.
So even though it is difficult at times for you and your kids, remember you are making a difference in his life. More importantly you are teaching your boys compassion and empathy.
Hope this helps.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Yes it does, CrazyMe. We all go thru rough times. There have been some in my own family. It's just hard to find balance. My boys are in their jr. year of highschool and it seems as if time is moving so fast. I have seen so many kids in our neighborhood get into trouble. So DH and I made a deliberate decision to make our home the hangout. I keep a case of ramen and boxes of cereal here for them. And even though we might gripe, we always know where are kids are. We hear alot about what's going on and it helps us as parents. We generally encourage the kids to be here. I like that my boys friends feel free to pop in and out, within reason. If I chase the friends out, my son will be out roaming all over town with them. It's a small quiet town in the winter, and there isn't alot for teens to do, and not much patience for them. I like that this boy feels free to be here, and can see that he needs it. I just want the quiet son to have some down time. And I don't want the social son to feel tied so much to one kid. And it's delicate. I don't want my son's friends to feel chased away. I don't want my one son to feel like he can't walk in the door with a bunch of kids. Sometimes I want a break. And I don't want the blame to go on the other son who is less strong socially.
Also, once friends are here chores are impossible to get done, and homework is rushed because there is already somebody here waiting for them.

 

[mom42860]

It is difficult, we have a similar situation. I rearranged the house, basically doing away with the dining room and making it a homework (or after that is done a hangout) room. Not really moving anything just throwing pillows and a tv/vcr/video game in the corner. Maybe you can set limits on where he can be in the house, so he is not constantly in the room with your son. Tell him he can visit but also coming up with a reason that your quiet son needs to have alone time (he's working on a project for me and I need him to work undisturbed). Try to use yourself as the reason and don't forget to use humor. I blame all kinds of things on myself and DH, just telling the children and friends, "sorry but I have my quirks!"

 

[crazyme5kids]

I do know how you feel, I've been there done that still doing it LOL. Again all I can say is treat them like your own. Tell them if they want to hang out XY and Z need to be done first and that they are welcome to help and if not come back later. Another thing that works wonders is to announce that Mommy is cranky and if they what to live to see another day they better geeeeeeettttttt! I know from experience that they'll laugh but get the hint.
Tell your social son that he does not have to change plans for this boy. I have social and a alone types, in this house it is hard to find a quiet spot. My 3 boys share a room, the 2 girls have their own (too much of an age difference to share). When My one son who loves his solitude needs time and can't find a spot, I tell him to go in my room. He can read or do homework there, and it is the one room that is really for the most part off limits to everyone.
Sit and talk it over with your boys, maybe they can come up with some ideas and tell you how they feel about the situation.
Good luck, I really feel for you.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Hey Mom42860, it's funny you talk about rearranging. I just gave away my dining room table, and bought a bar/counter. This weekend we are looking for a used couch and tv. All of this is going into the former dining room. This is going to be my compromise/solution. With one more room for them to hang out in it will relieve some of the strain. No dining room and everybody can eat at the bar. On the other side of the bar is a desk for homework and computer. Now i'm crossing my fingers for a cheap sofa. I have been dropping hints to all of these kids parents hoping that one of them would know of something free/cheap to put in this room. Then the bedroom will be off limits most of the time.
The thing with my sons friends is they never seem to have chores to do and they seem to have never been yelled at. I don't usually yell but every once in awhile I definitely do. And then all their friends flee and get upset. Then my sons say, mom you scared so and so.

 

[mom42860]

Then my sons say, mom you scared so and so

LOL of course, they don't stay away tho'