What would you do in this situation?

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I should have mentioned the medical part, but now you are at risk for HIV. I recommend getting testing for that and other STD's.
Drug addicts do bad stuff to get drugs.

 

[zuzi2000]

Hey, thank you guys for all of the wonderful advice!!!!!!!!!!! To answer some questions, there aren't any kids involved (thank goodness), and I control all of the finances. All of our bills are in my name. Each payday, he gives me a check to put into my account, and I pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. Honestly, there could be $50 or so missing each check every 2 weeks but that is about all he could cover up (he lays his paystubs laying around). We decided a long time ago that I'm better with conserving money so we have stuck with this sytem.......separate bank accounts and everything. Another thing is that both times, I have never felt physically threatend. Granted, there have only been a couple times of concern and I understand that over the long haul, this could change. Ok, ok, so I know you guys are sensing my denial. When I told him I would leave, I meant it. Strongly. But now that the time has come, I'm having a tough time bringing myself to it for several reasons. 1. Selfihsly, I can't see myself being without him. I love him unconditionally. 2. I can't bear the thought of him hitting the downward spiral because his family (me) is gone (or for any reason for that metter). 3. As another poster mentioned, I meant those vows. I never added the clause "unless you occasionally do drugs." On the flip side, how great is a marriage that severly dissapoints you every couple of years. I don't want to start expecting less out of life or for myself. UUUGH!

 

[MouseWorshipin]

Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't know how everyone is so sure you're in denial. It sound like you're TRING to find evidence, not ignore it. If the guy was seriously addicted, I think you'd notice him wigging out. You never even said what kind of drugs he was using.

If it is the drug that so many people do occasionally, I wouldn't bust up a marriage over it. Wouldn't allow it in my house, though!

I just don't know. I hope everything goes well for you.

 

[zuzi2000]

The drug is the white powder that starts with a "C." I can't even type the word.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

i still think you need to stick to your guns and leave, maybe not divorce, but a seperation. you need to get out.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I get it.

I'd be all over that, trying to get him in for help. Especially if he isn't seriously addicted. Think there's a better chance of staying off of it, I would think.

I'm thinkink if he were doing this on a regular basis that you'd notice the money missing and the behavior. ...but maybe I'm wrong.

Good luck and let us know how it works out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well...the fact that you control the money could make it worse. He may deal drugs to make his cut and now you are at risk for arrest, robbery, you name it.

He is hiding alot from you. You just can't "see it". He obviously is out doing drugs with other people.

I guess I never noticed coke addicts to be clammy, shaky etc, more "manic", crazed, I guess...You sure he isn't doing crack or heroin? It just doesn't sound right to me, the symptoms of an occassional coke user.

 

[poutytink]

I have two letters for you........NA!!! If you can't talk him into going to a Narcotics Anonomus meeting right away....go yourself! The people there will help you through this and possibly help you get him to a meeting!

 

[azgal81]

Why does he feel the need to lie to you about it?? You have to decide if it is worth it for you to stay in the marriage he will always be an addict. Unless the professional help actually works this time on him. Can you deal with that?

If there is alot of the drug he may be dealing as well. That would explain how he gets the money to fuel his addiction. Especially since it sounds like you see all of his regular money.

I actually know a few drug dealers it is a huge market and yes money is to be made lots of it. I think most addicts sell it's the only way they can afford that stuff.

 

[Rella Bella]

I would contact someone from Nar-Anon. Similar to Al-Anon for alcoholics, it is a support group for families of addicts of all kinds. These people will be able to help you through your decision making process. Here's their site:

http://nar-anon.org/index.html

 

[Kristi1357]

Hey, thank you guys for all of the wonderful advice!!!!!!!!!!! To answer some questions, there aren't any kids involved (thank goodness), and I control all of the finances. All of our bills are in my name. Each payday, he gives me a check to put into my account, and I pay the bills, buy groceries, etc. Honestly, there could be $50 or so missing each check every 2 weeks but that is about all he could cover up (he lays his paystubs laying around). We decided a long time ago that I'm better with conserving money so we have stuck with this sytem.......separate bank accounts and everything. Another thing is that both times, I have never felt physically threatend. Granted, there have only been a couple times of concern and I understand that over the long haul, this could change. Ok, ok, so I know you guys are sensing my denial. When I told him I would leave, I meant it. Strongly. But now that the time has come, I'm having a tough time bringing myself to it for several reasons. 1. Selfihsly, I can't see myself being without him. I love him unconditionally. 2. I can't bear the thought of him hitting the downward spiral because his family (me) is gone (or for any reason for that metter). 3. As another poster mentioned, I meant those vows. I never added the clause "unless you occasionally do drugs." On the flip side, how great is a marriage that severly dissapoints you every couple of years. I don't want to start expecting less out of life or for myself. UUUGH!

You sound kind of like how I sounded during the whole mess with my ex. I convinced myself nothing was really happening since no money was missing. I now truly think he was stealing money from work (never in a million years would I have thought he'd do something like that). I also remember saying to anyone & everyone, "I got married for better or worse, until death do us part, and I meant it."

Please take care of yourself, first & foremost!

 

[OceanAnnie]

The drug is the white powder that starts with a "C." I can't even type the word.

I don't know very much about "C", other than it's the choice drug for Hollywood types and "H", is a step up or two from that. Isn't "C" an expensive drug? And very addicting? That doesn't seem to be the type of drug you can just put down when you want to, not from the cases that's been presented in the news.

"Vows having meaning" can take form in many ways. Many ways. It's not cut and dry. Just something to think about.

I wish you and your DH well with this serious issue.

 

[Nancyg56]

No there is nothing you can do.
More importantly, it is NOT about YOU. He is an addict and that is that.
You are having a hard time accepting reality, which is normal.
My suggestion to you would be to go to some kind of program like Al-Alon, which will open your eyes.

Now for the question WWYD???

Drug addicts need money to support their habit. Where is he getting it from?
I would dig deep...Now you are married everything is joint.
Hidden loans, credit cards, etc....
This is your first stop. Find all money trails....consider an attorney to get advice if you find you are in trouble.

ITA! My first DH drank. I was young and kept believing that he would change. He never got the chance to prove this, he died at 25. I was 23 and was left with three little ones under the age of 5.

I won't offer advice in regards to staying or leaving, but I will ditto Mystery Machine regarding finances. You can't help anyone if the money is gone and credit is destroyed. You also may want to find out what responsibility you assume as his spouse in the event an accident occurs.

Good luck to you,and

 

[claudia]

oh gosh....been there and dealt with the "C" and alcohol addictions. Very similar to your situation where there would be long bouts of no abuse....and then up "pop" the red flags...sometimes real bad, sometimes not, but in the end my life ended up being miserable as I coasted along on his ups and downs. Only solution to this is for you to leave. Leave now before it gets any more complicated.

1. Selfihsly, I can't see myself being without him. I love him unconditionally. 2. I can't bear the thought of him hitting the downward spiral because his family (me) is gone (or for any reason for that metter). 3. As another poster mentioned, I meant those vows. I never added the clause "unless you occasionally do drugs." On the flip side, how great is a marriage that severly dissapoints you every couple of years. I don't want to start expecting less out of life or for myself. UUUGH!

#1....if you really did feel this way, you would not have posted. It would be a non-issue if your love is truly unconditional.
#2....You cannot save him. These thoughts/words make it easy for you to stay in denial. His addictions have nothing to do with you.
#3....Of course you meant those vows, but since the 2 of you discussed his prior drug abuse in detail before your marriage, it was definitely a "clause" that was verbalized.
On the Flip Side.....really the questions is: How great is a marriage that involves a drug addict? Answer: It's not great at all....and you deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life.
#4....get into counseling and get out of the marriage. Begin the life that you deserve.

It all sounds so harsh and I truly feel your pain, as I once was in the same situation. I left that one after 4 years of marriage....and even though it was very difficult and painful....and I did say and try to reason with the same logic as yours.....It has been 20 years since then and I am thankful every day for the wonderful life that I live. You will be ok.....life has so much to offer....get out and get some!!!

 

[Aimee K]

Tough spot Zuzi. There's a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It might be a good place for you to start. You might recognize yourself in there.

Just remember you need to live your life for YOU. Unconditional love is one thing, but when the addict is using, it's not the person you married. Stay safe.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wanted to add this to your thoughts....
The 3 A's....Abuse, Adultery, Addiction

If at any point you come across this, you can consider your marriage vows have been broken by your spouse.
He is supposed to love, honor, & cherish, etc...

It is OK to leave him as he has broken his vows and released you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think you have given it your best and it would now be best for you to move on. I sure hope there are no kids involved. ETA: I now see there are not kids.

 

[mickeyfan2]

3. As another poster mentioned, I meant those vows. I never added the clause "unless you occasionally do drugs." On the flip side, how great is a marriage that severly dissapoints you every couple of years. I don't want to start expecting less out of life or for myself. UUUGH!

I took those same vows and live by them too. But I did not agree to living in a marriage with any type of abuse. This is abuse, he is hurting you in ways you will only see once you are far away. He is risking your life and your financial well being. He has already broken that vow, so you are now free to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and heal so you can be happy again in the future. We have a DISer whose ex gave her AIDS and I am sure she would tell you to protect yourself.

 

[DISUNC]

I would contact someone from Nar-Anon. Similar to Al-Anon for alcoholics, it is a support group for families of addicts of all kinds. These people will be able to help you through your decision making process. Here's their site:

http://nar-anon.org/index.html

This poster gave you the absolute BEST advice EVER!!!!!!

Best of Luck!
Now go to the web page or your phone book..contact Nar-Anon NOW!!!!!!!

 

[chell]

1. Selfihsly, I can't see myself being without him. I love him unconditionally. 2. I can't bear the thought of him hitting the downward spiral because his family (me) is gone (or for any reason for that metter). 3. As another poster mentioned, I meant those vows. I never added the clause "unless you occasionally do drugs." On the flip side, how great is a marriage that severly dissapoints you every couple of years. I don't want to start expecting less out of life or for myself. UUUGH!

Here are my thoughts and I don't mean to sound cruel but I have been down a similar road and wanted to share with you. I do say all this trying to help you.

#1 You have got to learn yourself and come to love yourself enough that you can be yourself without him. It is never healthy to rely on someone that much. I didn't realize how much of myself had been wrapped up in Junior and how much I relied on him for who I was. It wasn't good for me. No matter who you are or where you are in life it is important to be yourself and not let any other person define who you are whether it be a spouse, parents, children, etc. You are very important and you have to take care of YOU. If you rely on another person that much then you let yourself slip away and don't do what you need to in order to be healthy. Does this make any sense?

#2 The downward spiral is a horrible thing to watch them go through. But you know how you always hear about tough love? Well this is where it comes into play. It will be the MOST difficult thing you will ever do. But he has to have something make him want to change. It will be so hard for you to step away if that is what you choose. It was SO difficult for me to step back from Junior and not be there to hold his hand every step of the way. Last June he got into some trouble and it was all I could do to not pull him through. It is so very difficult. Like others said you do need to get into counseling.

#3 Yes you did mean the vows and so did he. The vows do mean a lot but in order for things to work for the long haul both people have to stick to them.

***HUGE HUGS*** This isn't an easy road. Just because you separate doesn't mean your marriage has to end in divorce. Maybe the time apart will give him the swift kick in the butt that he needs to get off that stuff. That is some dangerous stuff to be messing with.

Make sure you take care of yourself through all of this.