What would YOU do if your DS was being bullied?

[luvsJack]

I don't think that I am setting my son up to be a victim!!!!!!!!
The other kid is bigger and has his even bigger brother by his side.
My son just isn't a physical kid. He'd probably try to hit him with his trumpet case!

Please, I already feel awful about this. I feel awful that ds won't tell me about it because he doesn't want me getting involved. Don't think I am setting him up to be a victim. That is pretty mean of you to say.

I think she was talking to another poster.

Is your son afraid of the boy or are you afraid to allow him to defend himself? In your op you said he isn't allowed to hit back.

Maybe this is one you should let your dh handle. If he thinks your son should defend himself, maybe he can teach him a little bit about how? And I would definitely see if ds wanted to take martial arts. Its not just about fighting, its about having confidence too.

 

[luvsJack]

Or the bully will get really peeved and assault and hurt him. I think the school needs to be aware, and if it's it's off school property, let the police handle it.

And if the school is not able to stop it? Going to the police and them coming to talk to the bully (if they even do that) is also going to peeve the bully; so you are back at square one.

 

[RAV]

I don't think that I am setting my son up to be a victim!!!!!!!!
The other kid is bigger and has his even bigger brother by his side.
My son just isn't a physical kid. He'd probably try to hit him with his trumpet case!

Please, I already feel awful about this. I feel awful that ds won't tell me about it because he doesn't want me getting involved. Don't think I am setting him up to be a victim. That is pretty mean of you to say.

Sometimes you come to these boards looking for a place to vent and people will analyze your behavior and tell you how much better they would handle the situation. First of all, ignore the comments about setting your son up to be a victim. You are obviously a loving parent. It is very upsetting to watch your child hurt. I went through it with my own son. Somehow raising your son to be smarter and not engage in physical violence becomes a bad thing. After months of walking away from a bully, my husband insisted our son fight back. Well, it backfired. The bully was so enraged he went after my son more sending him to an eye specialist. If anything goes on at school you need to make yourself heard. If not the principal then the school board. Most of all, just be there for your son. I would question my son everyday about what was going on until he would end up angry at me. I quickly realized I was making it worse. If you can, give him a break once in a while and pick him up from school. He probably could use it. I am not saying cave into the bully just give your son some slack. My son also enrolled in a martial arts class that gave him confidence. He never had to use what he learned but he did seem to benefit from knowing he could defend himself if he had to. It is upsetting for the whole family. You will figure out a way to get through this. Just be there for your son.

 

[Jennasis]

When I was a kid, there was a boy who bullied me relentlessly at the bus stop. Finally, one day, my Dad went down the the busstop and confronted the bully (BTW, if you can get a MALE to confront the bully, it almost ALWAYS is more effective than a female). My dad got right in his face and told him that if he bothered/touched/teased me ever again, then he was going to give my bigger, older and scarier sister permission to bounce his sorry bottom up and down the street like a basketball.

He left me alone.

 

[mamamary]

To op: sorry your son is going thru this

I also have a 7th gr. son. Luckily he has never been bullied but if he does he knows he has permission to fight back if the "other" starts first. My son has never been in a fight in his life. He is 5 ft. 9 in. so the bullies know to stay away. We def. see where the bullies pick on the smaller kids or kids that they know won't fight back. A few months ago after the kids got off the bus stop one bully started fighting with my sons friend. It was a pretty big fight (friend got choked). anyway the kid's dad called the school (which refused to do anything), so then he called the police. They came and I even brought my son down because he was a witness. the kid actually had red marks on his neck. the police had a conference with both sets of parents. the police did absolutely nothing

 

[disneyjunkie]

I don't think that I am setting my son up to be a victim!!!!!!!!
The other kid is bigger and has his even bigger brother by his side.
My son just isn't a physical kid. He'd probably try to hit him with his trumpet case!

Please, I already feel awful about this. I feel awful that ds won't tell me about it because he doesn't want me getting involved. Don't think I am setting him up to be a victim. That is pretty mean of you to say.

My comment was not directed toward you. I should have made that clear when I posted.

 

[OceanAnnie]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses. Okay, I probably did the wrong thing! First, I confronted the bully and told him to never touch my son again or I would call the principal. I know it was probably a bad idea and ds was very ticked at me. He said it will be worse for him at school now. It is just so hard to let the kid think he is getting away with this behavior.

About an hour later I went to his home and spoke to his mother. I told her my son was reluctant to talk to me about this but her son had been bullying him since 5th grade. There had been one incident where she came to my home thinking my son was the instigator but when her other son retold the story to both of us it came out that her son had started the whole thing. I told her the bullying was going on at the school dances and on the way home from the bus on days they both took it. I have no idea if the bullying is going on while they are on the bus. She seemed surprised about it and even asked her older son why he hadn't told her about it. She said she would talk to her son. By the way, the kid is very tough looking and one of those kids who looks at you and you can tell he is thinking you are an idiot.

I am sure I will never know what bullying is actually going on. I know a lot of words are being exchanged. Other kids are getting involved too saying things to my son like, "you aren't going to take that are you?" Walking away has been preached since they were in kindergarten.

I think my ds just isn't one of the "cool" kids. He doesn't play football or basketball which is really big at his school. His teachers told me at conferences that he is one of the most mature and insightful 7th graders that they have ever met. That doesn't win him any popularity points. He is in band and I am hoping he'll make friends from that. He plays baseball but he is only mediocre and with boys this age that doesn't seem to be good enough.

I just really hate this whole thing. Dh is all about my ds defending himself but I would be afraid against this kid too.

You are in a bad situation. It sounds like darned if you do, darned if you don't. But I do think it's good that you talked to the boy and his parents. Document everything that transpires, including talking with school officials.

I don't think that I am setting my son up to be a victim!!!!!!!!
The other kid is bigger and has his even bigger brother by his side.
My son just isn't a physical kid. He'd probably try to hit him with his trumpet case!

Please, I already feel awful about this. I feel awful that ds won't tell me about it because he doesn't want me getting involved. Don't think I am setting him up to be a victim. That is pretty mean of you to say.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I really am. I don't know all of the answers.

But, I was bullied before when I was the new kid at school. I also was not a physical kid. I didn't tell my parents. It was hard! I wish I did tell them, looking back.

One day it came to a head, I snapped. The teacher left the room and one of the girls came over and pushed me in front of the class. Talking ugly and big. I was unsure of myself. I didn't know if I could take her on. She was bigger than me. But her sidekick came up after her and pushed me. Then I unleashed all of the anger and frustration on her. I pushed her back as hard as I could. She fell over a desk, landing on her behind with her legs in the air. I can still see the look of surprise and shock in her eyes. She didn't know what hit her. All of the kids were shocked. I was shocked. I didn't have any more problems with them after that.

ETA- When your DS has had enough, he will retaliate. It's human nature. When you are pushed against a wall so many times, at some point your whole being screams, enough.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Ok I may be wrong here but is there anyway you or your DH could pick your son up after school each day? Is there another bus he could ride on and get off at a friends house until you could get him?

I understand your son could not fight back - and that is okay. With that being said, I myself would do everything possible to deter this bully. Take away the bus/after school time where he could bully him. March into school and demand a meeting with the principal and all his teachers and insist that he is watched and never around this bully. Bring up to them school dances and that whomever is chaperoning them knows about this situation.

This really bothers me and I feel for you and your son. You are a loving Mom who wants nothing more than to protect her son.

I'd go to the ends of the earth making sure my child was protected. If this bully knows he can't get away with anything with your son because someone is always around watching then he will move onto other things.

It is the school's responsibility to make that environment safe for your son while you will need to protect all other times out of school.

Best of luck to you OP! We are all here for you!!

 

[HM]

I'd let him defend himself (not at school) if it became necessary, but first I'd find his parents and tell them what is going on and find out if they'd be willing to help you stop this behavior. Bullies know they can get away with it if they know the other kid won't do anything about it.

I was bullied by an older boy when I was five years old (girl). My father told me to hit him next time he bothered me. He did one day and I punched in the face, he fell back and hit his head in the stairwell and started crying. Two days later he came and apologized to me and from then on tried his darnest to be my friend (I wasn't having any of it). Problem was solved.

I wish your son the best.

 

[luvsJack]

The main thing is to not do anything that is going to make your son feel worse or humiliate him with the other kids. 7th grade is one of those years where appearance means everything. Most 7th grade boys do not want to feel like "mommy had to take care of it".

I AM NOT saying you were wrong in any way. Maternal instinct makes us want to react but sometimes our reaction can make things worse for our kids.

We were lucky that we were able to go to the school and let them know about ds's bully without either boy knowing we went and the school helped us out with that. When it came time to go to his parents, we were able to see them during the school day and again, neither boy knew about it. None of it worked anyway, but ds didn't feel like he was hiding behind us either which for him would have made things a LOT worse. If there is anyway you can do these things without making your ds feel worse, please, do it that way.

 

[natenapril]

May I ask why he is "not allowed" to fight back?

I do not believe in violence. I do not believe anyone should go looking for trouble or should EVER start a fight. My kids would have gotten into serious trouble for starting any kind of fight.

BUT, if someone was tormenting my child -- they have full permission to defend themself. DS had to do that very thing. Yes, he had to face the punishment. But, it ended 2 years of torment by a bully.



.

Exactly. He should be allowed to defend himself

 

[southtexasmom]

My child was bullied for a little while in 7th grade, he was small for his age but now he is a senior and 6'2". The bully was our next door neighbor at the time.

This is what I did:

1. set up a meeting with the principal, the bullies parents and the bus driver

everything was good for a month or so

2. then we called the police, an officer talked to both boys

everything was good for a month or so

3. told my son to defend himself, bully punched him in the back, DS hit bully in the stomach.

Bully never bothered my son again and now they are really good friends.

I never wanted my son to fight but we really had no choice. I don't want my kids to go around starting fights but I want them to defend themselves too.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

To keep him in school--sign him up for Karate. If he at least gains confidence, he will be less of a target as he will learn to "stand up" for himself without fighting.

I have known families (including a cousin who was subject to inappropriate homophobic slurs) that pull the kids to homeschool them b/c it is too much and the situation too delicate to deal with via reporting the kids at that age. He is 14, I'm unsure of what grade.

That doesn't always work for everyone especially if parents work. My Aunt is getting ready to send him back to school b/c he will not do his school work.

And why is everyone underlining their posts??? OKAY THAT WAS WEIRD...when i was replying, every response was underlined and now it isn't.