What would YOU do if your DS was being bullied?

[HugsForEeyore]

I do not have children...but in my fantasy world...I would sneak up behind the kid...grab him, gently and tell him that" if he didn't leave my kid alone I would do blah, blah, blah....I would tell him when/if he told anyone they would not believe him because I am known as a sweet nice Mom in the neighboorhood...get it!!" I know that sounds very disturbed...but I had years of having issues and my Mom never really standing up for us...she would wilt. Great terrific Mom that is dearly loved but, anger is an OK emotion and you don't have to take crap from people..I just had to learn that on my own. My brother has issues with this as well. Not really being allowed to ever protect ourselves was wrong and then she didn't protect us either. Bro was picked on by a couple of teachers and I backed him up on this..she caved. We always had to be the accomadating ones...sorry for the rant..the OP situation really makes me angry and sorry for her and her son.

I know it will work out in the end...sending support your way.

I relate all too well to your post, where it relates to parents not helping. It saddens me so much when kids go through bullying that goes on and on and on. I hope the OP can find a way to protect her son, and stop this from continuing and escalating.

Like the OP is doing, parents need to help their kids in bullying situations. Not every kid can "pull themselves up from their bootstraps" and magically stand up to much larger bullies and solve the whole problem themselves. There is a point when adults need to intervene. I was bullied for years on end by the same group of hoodlum boys, and my parents never did one single thing. They knew, but made it clear it was my problem and not to concern them - they didn't want to hear it. Bullies look for easy targets, and a kid whose own parents won't do a thing is a perfect target. If a teacher doesn't step up, then that kid is truly alone and the bullying will go on and on.

In my case, the bullying went on until my last year of high school, when the bullies were too busy getting high and committing real crimes to bother with me. I can tell you the emotional damage of being bullied for years on end lasts a lifetime. And I won't get into how emotionally damaging it is to realize your own parents chose not to help you, and truly had no empathy for your situation.

OP - good luck in helping your DS and finally stopping this bullying situation!

 

[themilesfamily]

I'd report it to the school and insist that measures be taken to protect all the kids on school property.

If he laid a hand on my child off school property, I'd immediately contact the police and press charges.

Sorry, but that's what this world has brought us to.

I agree with this 100%.

Should your son continue to put up with this torment? -- absolutely not. I would get VERY serious with the school, with this kid's parents -- and involve the police.

My brother went through this in middle school and high school -- it went on and on and on. It started out minor -- name-calling, pushing him down, etc. -- and finally escalated to the point where the boy cornered my brother and held his dad's gun to his head. Even at that point, my parents didn't call the police. My dad went over to his house and screamed at the kid and his parents. It still went on but back to a more minor scale.

My dad tended toward the old-school attitude that "kids need to work things out" so the situation was never properly handled or addressed with school officials and law enforcement.

Keep in mind, kids who are bullies may be TRULY disturbed and soon-to-be-criminals. (The kid who bullied my brother is now in prison -- no big surprise.) Bullies are certainly predatory and their actions should be taken very seriously. I wouldn't expect my kid to handle someone like that -- or fight someone like that -- on their own. Some kids might be able to pull it off -- others not so much. I'm not sure I'd risk my kid getting seriously hurt.

 

[Sleepy]

I had years of having issues and my Mom never really standing up for us...she would wilt.........Not really being allowed to ever protect ourselves was wrong and then she didn't protect us either.

I went to elementary school with a boy from a similar family. We were in 3rd grade and everyday after school we would notice a group of 2-3 kids following behind him pushing and punching. It was horrible. We lived in a district where the school was in the middle of a neighborhood and there was no bus service. My mother would sometimes ride her bike to the school and then ride home with us. She noticed this kid being mistreated and one day we escorted him home. Very sad situation. Although that day we kept the bullies off him, mom realized from the parents' response that they did not care that their kid was a punching bag. You would have thought we told them the sky is blue. They were that disinterested. Sort of like "oh, ok". I often wonder what happened to him.

Like most of you, I told my son to never be a punching bag. Don't throw the first punch, but at least make sure the creep had enough life to whisper a request for an ambulance. As far as I was concerned, the suspension from school would be like a badge of courage!

 

[Kteacher]

I would contact the school first, and if that doesn't get you anywhere contact your DA's office. Bullying is a huge problem in my area. Last year a young boy hanged himself in Springfield,Ma. after continually being bullied. Just last month something similar happened in the town next to me (South Hadley,Ma.) .
It sounds like this has been going on for a long time-contact the school principal and superintendent, then contact your district attorney's office.to your son. I am so sorry he's going through this

 

[desamnik]

My son has been bullied by a boy in school for the past two years. He's broken his glasses two or three times, and tackles him at recess in the pretence of playing football, then pummels him.

My son refuses to hit him back.

He calls him names, girly boy, wus, etc...

I asked for them to be in separate classes since they've been together since 3rd grade and they are now in 5th....unfortunatley my request was not requested.

So do you start w/ the principal?

Donna

 

[mjkacmom]

I've told my kids they can certainly fight back. If they get in trouble at school for fighting back, so be it, but they won't be punished at home. Even when I was in school (many moons ago), I'd face bullies, and yes, I fought back, and never had a problem. Bullies tend to target those that don't.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I've told my kids they can certainly fight back. If they get in trouble at school for fighting back, so be it, but they won't be punished at home. Even when I was in school (many moons ago), I'd face bullies, and yes, I fought back, and never had a problem. Bullies tend to target those that don't.

 

[luvsJack]

My son has been bullied by a boy in school for the past two years. He's broken his glasses two or three times, and tackles him at recess in the pretence of playing football, then pummels him.

My son refuses to hit him back.

He calls him names, girly boy, wus, etc...

I asked for them to be in separate classes since they've been together since 3rd grade and they are now in 5th....unfortunatley my request was not requested.

So do you start w/ the principal?

Donna

I would. Since its probably going on all over the school, not just in the classroom. And again, that is where we started.


I think that anyone dealing with bullies needs to try and use any and all authorities to stop it. Just keep in mind, that if you do not allow your child to defend themselves, you are setting them up to be bullied all through school. Once this one is gone, the next one will come around. When we were dealing with it, from the time we started going to the authorities ds was told he needed to defend himself. And he did and that is the only thing that brought it to a screeching halt.

 

[damren]

We have been dealing with bullies for 3 years. DD was the "new girl" I would NEVER tell someone to fight back. Teaching someone to physically harm someone seems ignorant to me, not to mention illegal. The schools can, or should I say will, only do so much. Our school has a zero tolerence bullying policy which is a total joke. If parents would get more involved with thier kids bullying wouldn't be so bad. My advice is go to the bullies house. Call them out. Either the parents had no idea thier child was a little monster or they are just a bad as thier kid. Then you can go from there. Then let the school know that you have talked to the parents and they need to be aware of the situation. We had to start going through the counselor to see any progress.
Bullies get me so fired up! I just wished the kids who are getting bullied could see that after highschool those bullies will amount to nothing!!

 

[luvsJack]

We have been dealing with bullies for 3 years. DD was the "new girl" I would NEVER tell someone to fight back. Teaching someone to physically harm someone seems ignorant to me, not to mention illegal. The schools can, or should I say will, only do so much. Our school has a zero tolerence bullying policy which is a total joke. If parents would get more involved with thier kids bullying wouldn't be so bad. My advice is go to the bullies house. Call them out. Either the parents had no idea thier child was a little monster or they are just a bad as thier kid. Then you can go from there. Then let the school know that you have talked to the parents and they need to be aware of the situation. We had to start going through the counselor to see any progress.
Bullies get me so fired up! I just wished the kids who are getting bullied could see that after highschool those bullies will amount to nothing!!

You can't make the bullies parents do anything and if the bully isn't afraid of any of the people in authority and still finds a way to your child, what then? Defending yourself is not ignorant. Lying there allowing someone to hit you or hurt you is being a victim. My kids have been taught not to be a victim. BTW, self defense is NOT illegal.

 

[DawnCt1]

May I ask why he is "not allowed" to fight back?

I do not believe in violence. I do not believe anyone should go looking for trouble or should EVER start a fight. My kids would have gotten into serious trouble for starting any kind of fight.

BUT, if someone was tormenting my child -- they have full permission to defend themself. DS had to do that very thing. Yes, he had to face the punishment. But, it ended 2 years of torment by a bully.


Now, with all that said; the first thing I would do is report what is happening to the school. The teacher, the principal, bus driver, etc. They need to be aware of what is happening and be able to watch for the bully to start. After we did this, ds was instructed to tell go to a trusted teacher (for him it was the coach) and tell them when the bully was messing with him. (for us, the coach did react and did discipline the bully; but it didn't help much)

If that does not help, you may need to contact this child's parents and let them know what is going on. (again, we did do this but it didn't stop anything)

If none of this helps, then you and your son have done every thing possible and at some point, he really should be able to defend himself. Bullies are not usually used to being stood up to and are likely to back down. Even if you do call the police there is no guarantee that it will stop the bullying. I am not advocating that your son beat this kid to a bloody pulp or anything; just stand his ground and not back down.

ITA, further more if my child didn't know how to fight, because some don't, I would enroll him in martial arts or a self defense quick course so he can respond. It will also build his confidence. Once the bully gets what he has coming, he won't bully anymore.
When I was four or five, I never wanted to hurt anyone. There was a six year old that would scratch me, hit me, etc. I would run home crying. My father told me to hit him back. My response? I don't want to hurt him. He finally told me that if I came home again with another mark on me, I would get a spanking that I wouldn't forget. I was more afraid of my father at that point than "Randy", so the next time, I beat him up. He never bothered me again and we always played nicely after that.

 

[damren]

I'm not sure what my opinion would be If I had a son. My daughter has never been hit. And Yes self defense is NOT illegal. As far as my DD, I don't want her hitting anyone. I don't think it is a good quality to have. She is also not a very big girl so If she did hit someone back I have a feeling she might lose that fight.
The boys parents whose house DH went to had no idea thier 11 year old son was calling my DD a *****. They were very happy to know.
I think at least letting the parents know that you know is a start.


oops! can't say that word

 

[robinb]

I'm not sure what my opinion would be If I had a son. My daughter has never been hit. And Yes self defense is NOT illegal. As far as my DD, I don't want her hitting anyone. I don't think it is a good quality to have. She is also not a very big girl so If she did hit someone back I have a feeling she might lose that fight.
The boys parents whose house DH went to had no idea thier 11 year old son was calling my DD a *****. They were very happy to know.
I think at least letting the parents know that you know is a start.


oops! can't say that word

And being a victim is a good quality?

I have heard that martial arts is a very good sport for both the bully and the bullied. The bully learns more self-control and the bullied learns confidence in themselves.

 

[DawnCt1]

And being a victim is a good quality?

I have heard that martial arts is a very good sport for both the bully and the bullied. The bully learns more self-control and the bullied learns confidence in themselves.

Absolutely.

 

[disneyjunkie]

We have been dealing with bullies for 3 years. DD was the "new girl" I would NEVER tell someone to fight back. Teaching someone to physically harm someone seems ignorant to me, not to mention illegal. The schools can, or should I say will, only do so much. Our school has a zero tolerence bullying policy which is a total joke. If parents would get more involved with thier kids bullying wouldn't be so bad. My advice is go to the bullies house. Call them out. Either the parents had no idea thier child was a little monster or they are just a bad as thier kid. Then you can go from there. Then let the school know that you have talked to the parents and they need to be aware of the situation. We had to start going through the counselor to see any progress.
Bullies get me so fired up! I just wished the kids who are getting bullied could see that after highschool those bullies will amount to nothing!!

While the parent works through all those steps, the poor child will continue to get picked/beat on. On the other hand, if the child fights back just once, the bully will leave him/her alone.

Why do some parents insist on setting thier child up to be victims?

And girls fight just as much as boys. I sure did when I was a kid.

 

[mominwestlake]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses. Okay, I probably did the wrong thing! First, I confronted the bully and told him to never touch my son again or I would call the principal. I know it was probably a bad idea and ds was very ticked at me. He said it will be worse for him at school now. It is just so hard to let the kid think he is getting away with this behavior.

About an hour later I went to his home and spoke to his mother. I told her my son was reluctant to talk to me about this but her son had been bullying him since 5th grade. There had been one incident where she came to my home thinking my son was the instigator but when her other son retold the story to both of us it came out that her son had started the whole thing. I told her the bullying was going on at the school dances and on the way home from the bus on days they both took it. I have no idea if the bullying is going on while they are on the bus. She seemed surprised about it and even asked her older son why he hadn't told her about it. She said she would talk to her son. By the way, the kid is very tough looking and one of those kids who looks at you and you can tell he is thinking you are an idiot.

I am sure I will never know what bullying is actually going on. I know a lot of words are being exchanged. Other kids are getting involved too saying things to my son like, "you aren't going to take that are you?" Walking away has been preached since they were in kindergarten.

I think my ds just isn't one of the "cool" kids. He doesn't play football or basketball which is really big at his school. His teachers told me at conferences that he is one of the most mature and insightful 7th graders that they have ever met. That doesn't win him any popularity points. He is in band and I am hoping he'll make friends from that. He plays baseball but he is only mediocre and with boys this age that doesn't seem to be good enough.

I just really hate this whole thing. Dh is all about my ds defending himself but I would be afraid against this kid too.

 

[mominwestlake]

While the parent works through all those steps, the poor child will continue to get picked/beat on. On the other hand, if the child fights back just once, the bully will leave him/her alone.

Why do some parents insist on setting thier child up to be victims?

And girls fight just as much as boys. I sure did when I was a kid.

I don't think that I am setting my son up to be a victim!!!!!!!!
The other kid is bigger and has his even bigger brother by his side.
My son just isn't a physical kid. He'd probably try to hit him with his trumpet case!

Please, I already feel awful about this. I feel awful that ds won't tell me about it because he doesn't want me getting involved. Don't think I am setting him up to be a victim. That is pretty mean of you to say.

 

[okeydokey]

While the parent works through all those steps, the poor child will continue to get picked/beat on. On the other hand, if the child fights back just once, the bully will leave him/her alone.

Why do some parents insist on setting thier child up to be victims?

And girls fight just as much as boys. I sure did when I was a kid.

Or the bully will get really peeved and assault and hurt him. I think the school needs to be aware, and if it's it's off school property, let the police handle it.

 

[MizTink]

i know some kids just aren't the fighting type, but don't be so sure that, just because the other boy is bigger, he will win. my DS16 is VERY small for his age. ( about 5' 2" and 125lbs) don't let that fool you though!! he can definitely hold his own in a fight.
he's very handsome and well liked. all the girls have always liked him, which makes a lot of guys NOT like him.....
i have learned to not freak out about fights. sometimes there is no avoiding it. even if he didn't "win" the fight, he at least showed that he wasn't afraid of anybody. that has done a lot for him. probably more than if he was big and just kicked butt with little effort. kwim??
i would suggest that you just let your son take care of the bully how ever he needs to without worrying that he will be in trouble at home. even if that means fighting. and even if he doesn't "win"......at least he will be sticking up for himself (and his sister).
some teenagers just suck......

 

[Sleepy]

Why do some parents insist on setting thier child up to be victims?

Probably because they were never a punching bag as a child and don't understand what the poor kid is really going through.

Perhaps they believe the crap schools feed parents about zero tolerance and their assurance of "we are working on the situation" as meaning they are following their child around the school to protect them.

Maybe the parent is afraid of explaining to their child the fact that sometimes you must violate school rules and that it is OK. I told my kid it is ok to break a school rule and get suspended if it means stopping a bully. The only thing that would upset me is if I was not there to witness my kid finally standing up for himself.