What Would You Do and How should my friend handle this?

[Rumpus]

One of my best friends, "Z" was returning to work, to a new job after being laid off for several months. She was nervous, anxious, ambivalent and she was venting to a friend that she has been close with for 40 years!. The friend , "P" was at work. "P" was appropriately sympathetic during their conversation but she forgot to hang up her cell phone. "Z" then heard four minutes of a conversation that "P" had with her co worker. It was so clear that she could have been in the same room. She used the B word for "Complain, complain, complain, does she think she is the only one that ever had to go to work, etc, etc, etc." The co worker was heard asking questions, like "Does she need to work", etc. And "P" continued on.

My friend was so upset that she thought she was going to be sick. Her eyes welled with tears when she heard it. I am only posting this here because I asked if she wanted me to ask a group of people what they would do. She wrote her friend an email, told her what she heard and how heartbroken she was. P said that the conversation she heard was "out of context" and essentially she couldn't believe her lying ears. My friend is the type of person who, if P had said, "I don't know what got into me, I had a bad morning and I am so sorry, please forgive me". Z would have been mad for an hour or two but would have gotten over it. She asked me what I thought. I told her that I wouldn't throw away a 40 year friendship but the ball is in her friend's court and she needs to apologize instead of lie about what was said. What do you all think?

 

[MariDisney]

Sounds to me like the friend did apologize. I'd try to let it go and get on with things.

Editing because I misread what you wrote...I'd still try and get on with things, but it would be nice if the friend apologized. Although I don't hold out for things like that. I can only be in charge of my own feelings. So, I'd try and just move on.

 

[bdcp]

Sounds to me like the friend did apologize. I'd try to let it go and get on with things.

Editing because I misread what you wrote...I'd still try and get on with things, but it would be nice if the friend apologized. Although I don't hold out for things like that. I can only be in charge of my own feelings. So, I'd try and just move on.

I think her friend is embarassed, but she does deserve an apology and she needs to let her friend know how she feels again.

 

[Rumpus]

I think her friend is embarassed, but she does deserve an apology and she needs to let her friend know how she feels again.

She did. She said that she was hurt and told her friend so, and that the matter was being compounded by her friend's not admitting what she heard. Now I did say that her friend was probably terribly embarrassed and that if her friend apologized, she should accept that apology and move forward, which she will, but I agree with her when she says, even when she does move on, she won't be able to confide in her as she did previously. BTW. She loves her new job and all of her concerns were for naught.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

I hate to say it, but "Z" should have hung up the phone when she realized her friend had not hung up...or she should have loudly said "hello?" She eavesdropped for 4 minutes. That is a long time to knowingly listen in on someones conversation. Why didn't she hang up? That said, if a friend of my for 40 years easily called me the b word to a co-worker and complained about me, I'd have some hard thinking to do. True friends don't treat one another that way, especially those who have been friends for 40 years. Is it typical of "p" to call people b word or complain about others to "z"? If so, "z" should have expected it. I would confront "p" again and ask her what the context of the b word was. In or out of context, it's not a good thing to call a friend when talking to someone else.

 

[NikitaZee]

Hang up!?! I wouldn't have hung up when I realized I was being badmouthed - no way. I would have listened too. As far as what would I do about it after the fact - I would wait it out until the friend offered a proper apology. If I didn't receive one after a month or so, I'd probably send a note explaining once more how hurt I was, hoping for one last attempt at mending the friendship.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I had this happen to me when I was a child. My friend hadn't hung up the phone all the way and I heard her mother say something about me. It hurt, but it taught me early on that people do talk about eachother in sometimes negative ways, even good friends at times.

If Z was my friend, here is what I'd ask her. "Have you never said a negative word about P - ever?" If she said No, I'd be inclined not to believe her, and tell her to really rack her brain to see that, over 40 years, I'm sure somewhere along the line she'd also said some things about P to someone as well. We all do this when we're venting.

It's unfortunate that it happened, and I'm sure I'd be hurt to hear that, too. But I pretty much assume that most people talk about eachother.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is a 40yr friendship so I have to say that I would not throw the relationship away however it unfortunately will change the relationship for awhile.

Maybe your friend could examine herself and see if she does go around complaining to this person all the time? That does tend to get on people's nerves after 40yrs.

 

[mjkacmom]

I had this happen to me when I was a child. My friend hadn't hung up the phone all the way and I heard her mother say something about me. It hurt, but it taught me early on that people do talk about eachother in sometimes negative ways, even good friends at times.

If Z was my friend, here is what I'd ask her. "Have you never said a negative word about P - ever?" If she said No, I'd be inclined not to believe her, and tell her to really rack her brain to see that, over 40 years, I'm sure somewhere along the line she'd also said some things about P to someone as well. We all do this when we're venting.

It's unfortunate that it happened, and I'm sure I'd be hurt to hear that, too. But I pretty much assume that most people talk about eachother.

I agree - I have vented about DH, family members, friends, especially to parties who don't know them. She did listen to a private conversation. DH is a coach, and deals with a few crazy parents (most are lovely). He did the same thing - thought he hung up, and vented to me, and thenheard the parent calling him from his phone (I admit, I laughed at him, because he was SO embarrassed!). I'm sure people vent about me sometimes, even though I'm perfect.

 

[Jennasis]

I had an incomplete hangup encounter one. A HUGE fight with my ex-husband. He was screaming and swearing at me (I was leaving him and he was unhappy about it). He ended his tirade with an expletive and then slammed the phone down, but it must've bounced off the cradle and just hung there on the wall. He continued yelling about me to his parents who were in the room, and I just sat there shocked, listening to him tear me apart to them. He then SCREAMED (I mean it...like an inhuman mad man scream) that if I tried to take any of my stuff from our apartment that he would "Get my gun and blow her the **** away".

I filed for a restraining order the next day and haven't spoken to or seen him since (aside from his court appearance).

Anyhoo...got off on a tangent there, but your friend probably shouldn't have eavesdropped for 4 minutes. I gather the lady wasn't trashing her the very instant she thought the phone was off, so your friend likely had to wait a bit to hear anything worthwhile.

That aside, even our best friends have moments where they've just had enough of us. I would have to weigh how much that 40 year friendship meant to me before deciding to toss it away over a one time incident.

 

[Rumpus]

I had this happen to me when I was a child. My friend hadn't hung up the phone all the way and I heard her mother say something about me. It hurt, but it taught me early on that people do talk about eachother in sometimes negative ways, even good friends at times.

If Z was my friend, here is what I'd ask her. "Have you never said a negative word about P - ever?" If she said No, I'd be inclined not to believe her, and tell her to really rack her brain to see that, over 40 years, I'm sure somewhere along the line she'd also said some things about P to someone as well. We all do this when we're venting.

It's unfortunate that it happened, and I'm sure I'd be hurt to hear that, too. But I pretty much assume that most people talk about eachother.

I am her one of her best friends and I have never heard her talk that way about anyone. She and I do not always agree on things and I would tell her, right then. I would never agree to her face, nor would she to mine and then say something totally different behind her back.

I
Anyhoo...got off on a tangent there, but your friend probably shouldn't have eavesdropped for 4 minutes. I gather the lady wasn't trashing her the very instant she thought the phone was off, so your friend likely had to wait a bit to hear anything worthwhile.

That aside, even our best friends have moments where they've just had enough of us. I would have to weigh how much that 40 year friendship meant to me before deciding to toss it away over a one time incident.

The trash talk began immediately with "B, B, B". . As quickly as it took to put the phone down. That is what got her attention. She was about to hang up. I agree with the poster who said that she should wait a month and see what happens. She is the injured party. If P doesn't attempt to contact her, then it seems evident that P is tossing away 40 years.

 

[cm8]

I am her one of her best friends and I have never heard her talk that way about anyone. She and I do not always agree on things and I would tell her, right then. I would never agree to her face, nor would she to mine and then say something totally different behind her back.



The trash talk began immediately with "B, B, B". . As quickly as it took to put the phone down. That is what got her attention. She was about to hang up. I agree with the poster who said that she should wait a month and see what happens. She is the injured party. If P doesn't attempt to contact her, then it seems evident that P is tossing away 40 years.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

The trash talk began immediately with "B, B, B". . As quickly as it took to put the phone down. That is what got her attention.

So, are you saying that she didn't actually call her a B*^%$, but that she said, "B, B, B..." like she was complaining? You know, B and moan kind of thing? Because that's a different story to me. Everybody vents a little, especially when having a bad day. Not right, but different.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I would nurse the hurt feelings and realize that she is not a true friend, if she was she would have told Z to her face. I had a similiar situation, a friend of mine called my mom for some guy advice. For two months my mom repeatedly told me that Cheryl was not my friend. Finally out of exasperation, I demanded that she tell me why she keeps saying that. Well, she told me that Cheryl had said some really nasty things about me and when my mom asked her why she was my friend, she replied "because she pays for everything we do together". My mom told her what she thought of her and I have finally realized she was right. I spent Christmas in tears over this, but have now reflected and realized that she was never really my true friend, and that her behavior towards me the last year was reflective of that. I would suggest that Z take a hard look at the core of their friendship and she may come to the conclusion that their friendship was over a long time ago. Congtrats on the new job! and keep your spirits up

 

[Rumpus]

I would nurse the hurt feelings and realize that she is not a true friend, if she was she would have told Z to her face. I had a similiar situation, a friend of mine called my mom for some guy advice. For two months my mom repeatedly told me that Cheryl was not my friend. Finally out of exasperation, I demanded that she tell me why she keeps saying that. Well, she told me that Cheryl had said some really nasty things about me and when my mom asked her why she was my friend, she replied "because she pays for everything we do together". My mom told her what she thought of her and I have finally realized she was right. I spent Christmas in tears over this, but have now reflected and realized that she was never really my true friend, and that her behavior towards me the last year was reflective of that. I would suggest that Z take a hard look at the core of their friendship and she may come to the conclusion that their friendship was over a long time ago. Congtrats on the new job! and keep your spirits up

I am sorry that happened to you. Its sounds like your mom tried to protect you but had no choice but to tell you the truth. Anyway, you could be right about Z's friend. She honestly hasn't told me that much about her except they have been friends since her last year in high school. She did say that she was new to the school the year they met and didn't know that many people in a large school. She was hesitant to go to the class reunion because she didn't think she would know anyone. and her friend said, "Come on, you can sit with us". Her friend ignored her the entire evening. She didn't tell me that until this situation occurred in the context of she has done odd things in the past. I will pass on your congratulations however, it really isn't me. Honest! She doesn't go on message boards and I told her that I had found a message board where people ask these types of questions and would she like me to ask. She said yes. The "initials" are changed to protect the innocent.

 

[mousey]

Something similar happened to my girlfriend only the person who didn't hang up the phone correctly was the high school principal. My girlfriend listened as the principal (who she knew for years) stated to whoever was listening to the phone call that she could care less about my friends son and what a lunatic she was and how she didn't care about the situation.
My friend was concerned because her husband had recently died and her teenage son was missing a lot of school and my friend who had a lot on her plate with her husbands illness didn't know how to handle her son.
Nice principal!!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

She was hesitant to go to the class reunion because she didn't think she would know anyone. and her friend said, "Come on, you can sit with us". Her friend ignored her the entire evening. She

Hmm. I was going on the assumption from the OP that these two were really good friends. From this, I can't see how they are. I mean, if I were going to a reunion or anywhere else with my really good friends, there'd be no question where I'd sit. It would be a given we'd sit (and be) together.

If she isn't a really good friend, then I'd probably just write her off if she felt that way about me.

if she was she would have told Z to her face

I find that people talk a good game about this, but very few people are able to do it. IME people "say" they want to be told things, but their reactions are defensive, hurt, etc, when they are told, so people then avoid doing it next time. This is especially true of women. Men, I think, are different. They do it and have far less drama about it. I like that about men. (Love your username btw.)

 

[LuvLDM]

It's unfortunate that your friend overheard what she did but losing a 40yr. friendship over this would be tragic.
Just to play devil's advocate, perhaps "P" was just very busy at work and was frustrated to be interrupted by "Z's" phone call, especially since it wasn't an emergency...it sounds like Z just wanted to talk about how nervous she was about the new job?
I'm not suggesting it's okay that P disparaged her friend, she should take responsibility & explain herself and offer a sincere apology.

OP, is "Z" the type of person who complains & worries a lot? I have a friend like this and while I do love her she can be very frustrating to listen to sometimes.

 

[MichelleVW]

I'd let it go...and no way would I listen to a 4 minute conversation without letting the other person know I was still there.