What was said to my little boy

[kathianne]

This is something that has me outraged.

My son is ten years old and has learning disabilities. He has difficulty with fine motor skills, among other things. Our cafeteria is monitered by parent volunteers.

Yesterday, in the cafeteria, my son was acting up, speaking loudly, throwing food, so a volunteer cafeteria moniter spoke to him to settle down. That's ok, its what he said next that has me outraged--the cafeteria volounteer said "just look at him, he can't even tie his own shoes"! I can't believe an adult, whether a teacher or volunteer, would ever speak to a child like that. My son didn't even tell me about this incident, some other children told me that are neighbors of ours. They said my son just looked down at the floor and cried.

Of course, I complained to the school principal and director of volunteers. They seemed to act like it was ok, said they are just volunteers. Well, volunteer or not, you don't treat a child like that. I demanded this volunteer be banned from further volunteer activities in the school. They just smiled and said "oh, don't overreact, I'm sure he was just joking".

I've volunteered in various capacities for schools, hospitals, etc, we always go through training that includes sensitivity to the people we're working with. If a teacher said something like that she'd probably get fired. I really mean to pursue this issue, even if I have to take it up with the school board, that's simply not acceptable. However, I hope I don't make things worse by "making an issue" of it. My husband thinks it best to register my complaint with the school then let it drop, but I simply can't leave it at that. I feel now the child will be a target of taunts in the cafeteria, one of the "big people" sanctioned it.

Adults can be petty and mean, often worse than the very children they're supervising. So, opinions? Should I pursue it until I'm sure this volunteer is removed, and, perhaps, get him to apologize to my child? Or just let it drop in the interest of not making a bad situation worse?

 

[luvmy3]

That is awful, I'm so sorry that happened to your son. If I were you I would request a meeting with the principal and the monitor. That way they would have to explain why they would say such thing. With you there the principal would HAVE to do something about it.

 

[SandrainNC]

That is just wrong. I would be mad too.

Sandra

 

[DisneyMomx7]

That is something that should NEVER happen.

I volunteer at our school all the time and can't imagine anyone speaking to
a child like that (or about the child).

I would definitely ask for a meeting with the principal, the cafeteria person, and whoever is in charge of volunteers.

No child should ever be put down like that, especially at school.

Good luck!

 

[breezy1077]

I hear ya!

My son has pddnos (on the ASD), and I have had an issue with one particular parent. She (b4 she figured out my son had similar issues) pointed out another autistic boy to me at a birthday party we attended and rolled her eyes. I was livid but didn't create a scene. My concern was that this parent volunteered in my child's classroom (I personally think they should help teachers with busy work and stay away from direct interaction with the kids but oh well...). I pointed out her bias to the teacher and parapro as a "heads up". I was glad I did when they later informed me that they had to reprimand her after witnessing similar behavior during one of her volunteer sessions. I think I'm rambling so let me get back on point.

I agree with your husband - to a point. If your system is as political as most are then you may not be doing your child a service by picking a fight (so to speak) with the parent involved. But, you can do some future damage control by approaching the administration again. Our district has something called an intervention specialist. I would definately let that person know too. Your administrations response is disturbing and I wouldn't stop going up the chain of command if needed. I hope things are resolved to your satisfaction and - again - I feel for you.

 

[kathianne]

Thanks for the comments. Of course, some may disagree, too, there's many angles to look at here.

I'm outraged that any child should be put down like that. My husband feels that I should let it drop or it could make things worse for the kid, adults can get pretty petty. but I just don't feel I can shrug off the incident.

He struggles so hard with simple things, like tying his shoes. I wanted to make it easier for him and get him velcro shoes, but he said the kids made fun of him with velcro shoes, said he was a "dummy" who couldn't even tie his own shoes. So its already an issue, now an adult has furthered it. Can you imagine now how the taunting will escalate? And the school doesn't even seem to care!

What I want is the volunteer to be banned from volunteering in the school, and the counselor to speak with my son, to tell him this guy was wrong, and ways to handle such incidents in the future. the child felt powerless to do anything back, after all, it was an adult. I told him if such incidents ever happen again he should tell someone, his teacher, the counselor, tell somebody. Abuse is abuse, verbal or physical, and children should not have to be expected to just put up with it.

However, my husband feels that doing so will just keep the issue open and make it worse for my son.

 

[kathianne]

I'm so upset I'm crying right now. He struggles so hard with little things, its so hard for him to do things that come easy to other kids. He has an IEP for multiple learning disabilities, but the general attitude at the school is that he's some sort of behavior problem "hiding" under an IEP umbrella. They seem to quickly focus on anything he does wrong, but I never hear about what others do to him that could provoke such behavior. I never get complaints abuot him from other sources, such as outside activiies, like Scouts, etc. I make sure to keep him in a variety of activities so the schoo isn't his only world.

I don't want him to see how its affected me because it will make him feel worse. But I doubt anyone would tolerate me treating their kid like that!

I'm investigating some other school for next Fall, a private school, or charter school, but the problem is money and driving distance. We live in a rather remote area, driving to the nearest next possible school would be at least 20 miles! Also, money is tight, why shouldn't we be able to use the school we pay taxes for!

 

[kathianne]

I hear ya!

My son has pddnos (on the ASD), and I have had an issue with one particular parent. She (b4 she figured out my son had similar issues) pointed out another autistic boy to me at a birthday party we attended and rolled her eyes. I was livid but didn't create a scene. My concern was that this parent volunteered in my child's classroom (I personally think they should help teachers with busy work and stay away from direct interaction with the kids but oh well...). I pointed out her bias to the teacher and parapro as a "heads up". I was glad I did when they later informed me that they had to reprimand her after witnessing similar behavior during one of her volunteer sessions. I think I'm rambling so let me get back on point.

I agree with your husband - to a point. If your system is as political as most are then you may not be doing your child a service by picking a fight (so to speak) with the parent involved. But, you can do some future damage control by approaching the administration again. Our district has something called an intervention specialist. I would definately let that person know too. Your administrations response is disturbing and I wouldn't stop going up the chain of command if needed. I hope things are resolved to your satisfaction and - again - I feel for you.

intervention specialist--that sounds interesting. My son has an IEP for various learning disabilities, but I'm never informed of services available to us. All I hear are complaints, no solutions, suggestions, etc. Whenever I suggest anything constructive its always dismissed.

 

[adoptionmomma4]

I am so sorry this happened to your son. I do not know what I would do in your situation.

I home school my 3 children and we take a lot of field trips to various events around town. We went to a children's theater performance of the BFG a few weeks ago. There were many elementary schools there and I was surprised at how few volunteers there were to help. Back on topic... We sat in front of a group of children that were from a behavioral class. They had about 8 students with a teacher and an aid (he was wearing a badge). I could hear everything he said to the kids and it was very inappropriate and abusive. He was saying things like:

"If you do not sit back and shut up, I promise you will never leave the classroom again".

"I swear to God if you don't stop kicking the chairs..."

"Do not make me take you in the hallway..."

My friend (also a home school mom) and I were horrified. I called the school and made a compliant and they said it had to come from a parent. I was shocked! I do not know if the student was able to advocate for himself and let his parents know what was going on. We looked back at the teacher several times hoping she would get the hint that we didn't like what we were hearing, but she just smiled. In hind site I wish I would have stepped up and said something on behalf of the little boy. However, I did have my young children there and there were hundreds of other children so I didn't think it was appropriate. I really thought the school would be glad to hear from concerned citizen. Boy was I wrong! I still feel bad for the boy, I just keep thinking he may be suffering this verbal abuse daily in his classroom.

School is supposed to be a safe place to send your children to be educated. We as parents have enough to worry about with bullies and violence. We should not have to worry that a school volunteer is going to verbally abuse our children.

 

[jacobsmom]

I have DS8 who is disabled AND I work in the school district. You need to let them know that your son shouldn't be treated like this--file complaints with the head of food services (generally does hiring and deals with complaints) this way it can be put on file so they don't get a job here. They should also talk directly to this volunteer and let them know they've crossed the line. No one should EVER talk like that to or about a student. I'm so sorry that your child was treated this way. Now it's time for you to take a stand. Is there an aid with your child? Are you able to go in during lunch and volunteer?There's gotta be something

 

[DisneyMomx7]

My oldest son has Asperger's so I know what you are going through.

Tying his shoes also took a really long time. I used to triple knot the shoes so they couldn't come undone and give other kids an opportunity to laugh at him.

The only light at the end of the tunnel I can give you is that my son is now 24. He graduated from college and holds down a full time job, although he is still living with us for now. It isn't the easiest thing to get through grade/junior high/ high school but it does get better.

Stand your ground and see if you can find a better place for him for next year. That volunteer shouldn't be around any children as far as I'm concerned.

 

[MelAnderson]

I am so sorry that happened to your son! My DS is 5 and has autism so I totally UNDERSTAND where you are coming from. I would definitely speak with the principal and request a meeting. What I have found is that you will most likely only meet with the principal, and hopefully the couselor. The "guilty" party is usually never involved in the meeting. At the very least, express your disappointment with the volunteer's behavior and hopefully the counselor will be able to talk to your son about the incident and gauge his feelings on the matter. You may also want to suggest some sort of sensitivity training for staff at the school. I know how hard it is to have people make rude and insenstive comments about your child/to his face and he can't defend himself and doesn't tell you what's going on.

In my experience and unfortunately of many other parents that I personally know, some school administrators tend to want to take the "easy" route and classify everything as a negative "behavior." There is ALWAYS an underlying reason for why a child is acting a certain way and just calling X a behavior is just scratching the surface and not getting to the underlying reason for it. If your son does something, I would ask the school, what events(s) preceeded the behavior. Behavior reflects understanding!!!

Parents definitely have to advocate for their children. Whenever I'm ready to rant and rave to the school administration about some incident, I vent, take a deep breath, then send a written letter outlining my concerns and issues, signed and dated to the school. I try to position my wants as a way to partner with the school. I've found that if the school knows that you are an advocate for your child, it makes things better in the long run.

Hoping for the best for you and your family!!!

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

I understand completely and I agree. Who cares about "school politics!" Your son is more important than anything else to you and how EVERY child is treated is important to a school (or should be). I would definitely would bring it up again to the school administrators. But I wouldn't go in with a demand that the "volunteer" be "fired." Instead I would write a letter saying something like what I've written below.

Then it puts the school in the position of having to re-examine their policies...you come across as a rational, reasonable, caring and supportive parents (not just of your child but all children).

Here's the kicker...I'd also send it to the Superintendent and President of the Board of education as a "LISTED" cc.

Somedays you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar (and you can still ensure that the fly is dead by slipping a little something in the honey ).

Go get 'em!

Karen


Dear so and so,

I have been thinking long and hard about my reaction and yours to the incident between my son and so and so. While I can understand that you may think I was overreacting, I believe that you are under-reacting.

I'm sure that all of the staff of xyz school receive senstitivity training and how to work with children with a variety of abilitities. However, it doesn't appear that volunteers receiving the same training.

It is often said that sticks and stone break bones but words are not hurtful. Over time, as a society, we have grown to understand that words do hurt..and hurt in ways that are in some cases much deeper than other wounds. My primary concern is that when an adult pokes fun at the limitations of a child, it sanctions this type of behavior and communicates to other children that it is appropriate to pick on or criticize other children.

I'm sure that this is not the intent of the school -- after all schools are caring communities! With that in mind, I would be happy to come in and give a presentation (or work with xyz agency who conducts cultural and sensitivity training) and ensure that all volunteers are properly trained.

If such a training is already in place then I would ask that you revisit this issue with so and so and ask him/her to apologize to my son. I'm confident that if this were his/her child, he/she would expect the same and likely did not know how hurtful his/her comments were.

 

[kathianne]

Like I said I've volunteered in various capacities and we always have a background check and training. I spoke with the head of the volunteer program today, she seemed not to be taking it seriously. I mentioned that didn't they have some sort of training, you don't just sign up anyone for a volunteer?

Here's a thought, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Actually the volunteer was part of a group called D.O.G.S Dads of Great Students. They consist of male family members who volunteer to serve as cafeteria monitors, hall monitors, crossing guards, parking lot guards, etc. I thought of signing my husband up, shied away from it, felt if any little thing went wrong it would relfect on us and my kid. But my husband would never talk like that to a child. Well, they're still looking for volunteers (or at least until I registered my complaint, now perhaps they have all the volunteers they need?), well perhaps have my husband join this group. Also, I could go over and have lunch once in awhile with my son, I used to do so but time constraints prevent me now, but I could adjust my schedule if I thought my presence might help. I don't know what's going on now, kids typically don't tell you such things, who knows if he's being taunted on a daily basis and this is just the first I knew about it?

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

One more thing...my son is nearly 10. He can tie his shoes just fine, but we use something called "lock laces" that we found on the web. Runners, particularly tri-athletes (sp?) use them all the time. We got them because he's horrible about keeping his shoes tied and we've already had 2 broken arms because of that!

Try explaining to an ER doc that you don't abuse your child...you just have a kid that's big for his age and can't seem to make the time to stop and tie his shoes and then boom...falls over and breaks an arm. Trust me...I've gotten the "uh huh...sure lady...we need to interview your son" treatment... particularly when he broke his left arm 2 weeks after getting out of a cast on his right arm!

We got lock laces and we've not had a broken arm since! Their website is www.locklaces.com


Hope this helps too,

Karen

 

[kathianne]

Pixie Dust,

I like your letter and the points it brings up. As you said, an adult acting like that scantions it for others, especially other students. We all know, kids in school have a "herd mentality". Once that taunting starts, it grows.

I just can't get over any adult treating a child like that. I've requested a meeting with the school principal, she indicated she would get back to me, lets see what happens and take it from there, until then I will take my husband's advice and "lay low" no further communication with the school, I've stated my case, lets now see what they do.

 

[RMulieri]

I would pursue this.That is a horrible thing for anyone to say...especially an adult who should know better

 

[nascar-j]

Wow! I thought I lived in the snobbiest, most bigoted town. Even I haven't heard something like that at school.

In the world where everything has to be politically correct, even removing the PC'ness, that comment was over the top.

I also have a DS with LD's from FAS and severe ADHD. When his meds have worn off he can be quite ridiculous with some of his behavior. I've gotten the "looks" from other parents before but I've never heard anyone actually make comments like that. (about mine or anyone else's son).
I'm pretty much an a$$ when I see stupid behavior from adults and I call them out on it. When I get those "control your kid" looks, I just look at them and say; "I'll trade ya!" That usually embarrasses them enough to get the point across.

With your issue, I'd go beyond the school since it seems like they don't get it. I'd find out who the parent was and go to the source. If they cop an attitude, a threat with a "causing psychological distress or defamation" civil suit usually will cause them enough anxiety to even the score...

For those that don't think "evening the score" is mature or PC enough, I'd just be taking it to a level that the abuser could understand. Let the flames begin. I'm a big boy and I race cars and have a Nomex suit.

j

 

[wilderness01]

With your issue, I'd go beyond the school since it seems like they don't get it. I'd find out who the parent was and go to the source. If they cop an attitude, a threat with a "causing psychological distress or defamation" civil suit usually will cause them enough anxiety to even the score...

For those that don't think "evening the score" is mature or PC enough, I'd just be taking it to a level that the abuser could understand. Let the flames begin. I'm a big boy and I race cars and have a Nomex suit.

j

No flames here, I totally get you. It is one thing if you hurt me, but hurt my child and I go for your main vein! I can not tolerate a bully and that is what an adult is when they pick on a child.

We had a person who was a volunteer at our school also abuse the children. It started out not on mine, but came to mine after not too long. Anyhow, after I witnessed this, I went to the principal like a maniac. I was shaking I was so upset. I kept on saying this is abuse over and over. In hindsight I should have been calmer, but I was appalled that there were other parents there witnessing his bs behavior and the kid he was being cruel to was shaking with his eyes bulging out of his head. Another kid was crying watching him scream in this kid's face. Not one other parent stepped up to stop this. It was disgusting.

It was so, so wrong. Believe me I made a big stink and stated "I know my kids will be next, no one is safe around that crazy person." Well I was right and it escalated to where it did involve my kids.

The principal wasn't doing anything, nor was her boss, so I kept on going up the chain of command until they did do something. I also had an attorney involved to help me word everything correctly. There were no threats made, but I was very, very clear in what I wanted, and that was for this "volunteer" to be gone.

I had years worth of examples from other parents that stepped forward to side with me. It was right against wrong, so really I was appalled that my word wasn't good enough. I even had staff that stepped up and said he was abusive.

The change didn't happen quickly, but immediately he wasn't allowed around my children or to interact with them. Hey I tried for the whole school, but in the end I did have my kids protected. This volunteer was also resorting to physical punishments for the kids at lunch. He was a real beauty.

Well I did get to the right person, because the next school year he wasn't allowed to come back and volunteer. He was a loose cannon and they knew it. Hang in there and protect your son. Hugs to you, I know from personal experience what it is to go up against a powerful administration and system.

 

[breezy1077]

Dear Kathianne,

your feedback about issues surrounding his IEP would bother me a lot more than the issues with the parent.
(I also think he should be banned from volunteering. the political issues I spoke about are not with the school but with the parents - when you have children with special needs - every invitation to a party or social event is like gold! - that's what I was referring to. also, you won't get anywhere by approaching the parent - he obviously didn't even feel bad about making a child cry so what can you say to someone like that? he's obviously so insecure he needs to put down KIDS to make himself look good or feel better. Nothing you do will change him. I'm rambling again...)

Hope this helps but here are some tips when approaching the school about the IEP or other issues:

-You have soooo much power as a parent. Remember this.
-you can call a special meeting or when you have an IEP meeting make sure everyone's there and remember you (yes you) are the "team's" leader
-if you feel you aren't getting anywhere (and I would use this as a last resort) just "drop" these key words; "due process" and see how quickly the direction turns...

Hope this helps