What to do with Bored Step-children? LONG

[Kay7979]

I have three step children, currently ages 15 DD, 17DD, 19 DS. I have been married to DH now for 8 years. In the earlier years we saw the kids more frequently than we do now. We all get along well and have had some good times together, but they have never been very talkative, and of the three, DS age 19, is the only one I feel I really "know." As the kids got older they became less interested in visits, as I suppose is typical with teenagers. It bothers me that when we call to make arrangements to have them for the day, the first thing they say is: "What are we going to DO?" I would think they would want to see their dad no matter what we have planned to DO.

They think hanging around the house and playing card games, watching a movie, talking and cooking out is fairly boring. We joined a local fish and game preserve where we can take out row boats and hike etc., but they think that is rather boring because we have taken them there once or twice a year for the last few years so they have "been there, done that." DH and I never get tired of going there, however.

When we ask them what they want to do, they have no suggestions. When we try to really draw them out in conversation they don't have a lot to say. They don't seem to do much at home or school that they want to talk about, and having no kids of my own, I am somewhat at a loss to find interesting topics. DH is no better, unfortunately, as I am more out-going and talkative than he is. I am gaining a bit of ground lately because they all have part time jobs, so I have gotten them talking more about that. DS shares at least one hobby with DH, so that gives them something in common, and frankly, DS is the only one of the three that is content to come over and just "be with us" and thinks that however much or little we do, its a good time.

I feel sort of sad because I never had kids of my own, and I see other people's kids who are little chatterboxes and have so much to talk about and share (or so it seems) and I have watched DH's kids grow up without ever feeling really close to them. DH feels the same way. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I am living in a "Leave it to Beaver" 1960s world where families talked and ate meals together and shared their lives. I know at their mothers' they almost never sit down and eat meals as a family, and they don't seem to have many family activities, or really have heart-to-heart talks at there, either. I just don't know what "normal" is, I guess, but I think those of you who have close, loving relationships with your kids are to be commended, and I hope you are grateful.

If you have any suggestions of things kids like to do at these ages, or what we should talk about that will get them out of their shells somewhat, I would love to hear it. Or if these kids are completely normal teenagers, and all teenagers are bored by nature, I'd like to know that, too!

 

[MosMom]

If they are red headed I've got some ideas

I don't have teenagers but I have teenage siblings and they don't like to do much of anything it seems. Probably anything you suggest will sound boring but do it anyway. They will probably enjoy themselves once you do it. Do you have any amusement parks nearby? Of course you can't do that every visit but something different once in awhile might be fun too!

 

[geffric]

Please don't forget these are teenagers..they are bored with everything.. and they are pulling away from family and trying to be very independent at this time. Maybe you can have them invite a friend along so they have someone to be with. ( that is why many people take a friend on vacation 'cause their teens are bored) or set up an activity that they like - maybe paintball or going to a movie.

It is very hard to be a teenager today and REALLY hard to be a parent of one..

 

[Kay7979]

If they are red headed I've got some ideas

I don't have teenagers but I have teenage siblings and they don't like to do much of anything it seems. Probably anything you suggest will sound boring but do it anyway. They will probably enjoy themselves once you do it. Do you have any amusement parks nearby? Of course you can't do that every visit but something different once in awhile might be fun too!

We do have an amsuement park near by, a Six Flags, but DS works there, and DD#1 has also worked there, albeit briefly, so that is not really an option. I am somewhat relieved to hear that teenagers are bored by nature, but its sad that it's so! I guess what counts is that, bored or not, they know we love them and want to be with them. Sometimes we don't do long visits, only for a few hours, since we know that they would be happier at home on the phone with their friends, or in front of their own TVs painting their nails or something, LOL!

 

[NMAmy]

Teenagers are always bored--it's nothing you're doing. They can also be monosyllabic.

As the mom of a 15 yo, it really sounds like normal teenage behavior. Even though dd and her friends are too cool to do this kind of stuff, I drag them to the zoo, to kids' movies (she and two of her friends had a blast with me at Cars), to local museums. They'll say they don't want to go but they end up having fun when they get there. Since Mom is "making them go" it takes the pressure off to be cool.

Shopping is also something that teenage girls adore. You have to kind of give them their space. I'll take them to the mall, then wander around by myself. They'll always meet up with me if I'm paying for lunch and they chatter my ears off at that point.

Kudos to you for trying so hard to make sure your stepkids have a good time. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but they do appreciate it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It is a teenager thing. What sports to they do in school? Maybe you and the girls could do a girls night out and get pampered. Fishing, camping, boating, hiking and the like are something you either really love, or get quickly bored with. What about going to the shore for the weekend?

 

[Robinrs]

You remind me of my life with my nieces and nephews... every single one of them went thru the age that they thought we were BORING and just being with us made them puke.... it bothered me when my first nephew went thru it at 15, then my nieces did it to me at 14, my last nephew separated by the time he was 13. There was a 4 to 5 year delay between each one so I was ready for each one.

Now my son is 13. I feel it coming. It is NATURAL, don't take it personally. The chatterbox phase disappears during this time and the only time you'll see them chatterboxing is with their friends.

I remember separating from my favorite aunt during this age. I remember the hurt look on her face but really didn't care. When I grew up I so enjoyed her AGAIN, and that's what happens when they get into their later 20s, if you can wait that long!

It's wonderful that you care, though, and it shows what an awesome Mom you are!

 

[mickeyfan2]

You remind me of my life with my nieces and nephews... every single one of them went thru the age that they thought we were BORING and just being with us made them puke.... it bothered me when my first nephew went thru it at 15, then my nieces did it to me at 14, my last nephew separated by the time he was 13. There was a 4 to 5 year delay between each one so I was ready for each one.

Now my son is 13. I feel it coming. It is NATURAL, don't take it personally. The chatterbox phase disappears during this time and the only time you'll see them chatterboxing is with their friends.

I remember separating from my favorite aunt during this age. I remember the hurt look on her face but really didn't care. When I grew up I so enjoyed her AGAIN, and that's what happens when they get into their later 20s, if you can wait that long!

It's wonderful that you care, though, and it shows what an awesome Mom you are!

Wow I must be the cool aunt since my nephew still went on vacation with me when they were 14/15/16. It was me and 4 teenage boys.

 

[KelNottAt]

My sister and I were teenagers early in our parents' separation/divorce. She was 14 and I was 16. We stayed with Dad; Mom's the one who left.

The deal was that we had to visit Mom once a week. Thank goodness it was just for dinner. If we had to spend an entire day with her, away from friends and out of our "environment," I know we would have been bored (and rude) every time.

As it was, the dinners were just the right amount of time. We got to see each other. We could share in the cooking or take turns picking a restaurant. Maybe catch a movie or watch TV afterward. Then go home. That's it. It worked this way until I was nearly 20.

Whole days together were few and far between. But that's OK, cuz when we did see her for that long, it was easier to, er, tolerate. From a teenager's perspective, KWIM.

Also, one thing I liked about the short visits to Mom was that they were easy, routine and predictable. This gave them a "natural" feeling. No surprises, no pressure, no out-of-the-blue expectations, etc. The plans were set in advance and everyone knew what to do.

Maybe if you kept the kids' visits shorter they'd have a more positive reaction to them. Just a suggestion.

Good luck,

 

[Kay7979]

Well, you guys are making me feel a lot better! In fact it's beginning to sound like we're in better shape with the kids than I thought.

DS is still in high school after having gotten held back twice, and his younger sister graduated in June, so that's a bit of odd family dynamics, too. He is suddenly interested in wrestling, so that will give us something else to talk about. DD#1 won't be in sports now that she's out of school, DD is getting held back and repeating her freshman year, which we just found out during our last visit. ARGH! I guess school bores these kids,too, as they don't have much motivation with their grades. DD# 2 used to play soccer but I am not sure about this coming year. I don't think she is terribly interested in sports.

DH's parents have been mad at the kids for years because the kids don't say "Hi," unless spoken to first, didn't want to come for overnight visits, and never act particularly happy to see them when they show up at the kids' house. I told them that while this attitude may not be right, kids tend to be that way, especially as they become teenagers. It seems funny, me with no kids, lecturing my in-laws. A few years back they were on the verge of turning their backs on their own grandchildren completely; no more Christmas or birthday presents, no more visiting them etc. They claimed that near-stranger's kids, like kids at church, treated them better than their own grandchildren. That's another thing that made me start questioning whether these kids were "different" and not just normal teens. Anyway, so far I have served as peacemaker and kept grandparents and children semi-functional, and tried to keep the relationship with the kids, their dad, and I as upbeat and positive as possible. I guess things could be a lot worse even though I've felt somewhat dissatisfied with the family dynamics.

 

[Robinrs]

Wow I must be the cool aunt since my nephew still went on vacation with me when they were 14/15/16. It was me and 4 teenage boys.

They loved going places with me as long as their friends went but the one on one thing was no longer cool. I was and still am the "cool" aunt... LOL, I helped my youngest niece buy a car and look for a house this weekend... btw, she's 36 now.

 

[mickeyfan2]

They loved going places with me as long as their friends went but the one on one thing was no longer cool. I was and still am the "cool" aunt... LOL, I helped my youngest niece buy a car and look for a house this weekend... btw, she's 36 now.

All were nephews. Three (two brothers) knew each other but the fourth knew none of the others. I just invited them and they all jumped at the chance. My 19 year old nephew will come over and hug me in front of his friends. He had not hugged any other aunt in over 10 years. The other aunts have even said I would love for him to hug me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well...get involved!
Get a video game system. Learn how to play.
Start poker tournaments...that is what I would do...tell them to bring their change hehehehhe....3 kids can bring in some dough.
Get out of the house and just go somewhere. We go boating, fishing, shopping, movies.
Stay at a lodge somewhere close to home for fun.

Try and think of some "traditions"...I know it is corny, but you can go to a restaurant or make something special to start off the visit.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Well...get involved!
Get a video game system. Learn how to play.
Start poker tournaments...that is what I would do...tell them to bring their change hehehehhe....3 kids can bring in some dough.
Get out of the house and just go somewhere. We go boating, fishing, shopping, movies.
Stay at a lodge somewhere close to home for fun.

Try and think of some "traditions"...I know it is corny, but you can go to a restaurant or make something special to start off the visit.

True. I lose miserably at video games to them and we play texa hold-um too.