What to do, what to do (custody related)**HAPPY UPDATE #28!!!**

[BabyTigger99]

DH and I have always wanted his daughter (12, will be 13 in August) to come and live at our house. Mom lives about an hour or so away. We had been talking to an attorney, and seeing what our options were. Her mom, obviously, didn't agree with it. DSD's grades in school have been dropping, mom is gone alot, and DSD spends a lot of time with her cousin, whom she knows we do not approve of (cousin smokes, sneaks out of the house, sneaks boys INTO the house, she is 15).

A whole new monkey wrech has been thrown into the situation. DH found out that DSD's mom wants to re-enter the Air Force (active duty) as a nurse (she currently works in a hospital ER right now). If she gets in, they will be moving. Her first choice to move to is Florida.

DH says no way, he will listen to what he the ex has to say, but he will not let DSD move. The ex is telling DSD if she moves with her, she will fly her home every other weekend to visit (um, I don't think so!), and also is telling her that she will not get deployed until DSD is out of high school (that doesn't sound right, either).

We have had DSD since Friday night at our house. She won't say a whole lot about it. I think she would like it up at our house, because there is stability. She is worried about making friends (she has low self esteem, she is a little heavier, and that tends to take over how she presents herself). I told her that if she is up here, she can get back into doing plays, which is was she loves doing. I also think that she will have more opportunites to do different things in school, because right now, she is in a small school (about 100 7th graders), and it is the only middle school in their town.

I don't want it to end up with anyone's feelings hurt, particularly DSD's. I do feel it is in her best interest for her to be with us. That way she can still go visit her old friends she goes to school with now, and visit her mom's family (they all live in the same small town). Plus, she will have someone home with her every night, to help with homework (and see that it gets done!), and to bring her to activites she wants to be involved in (but never seems to get signed up for at her mom's).

Ugh, I hope everything goes smoothly with this!

 

[kimmikayb]

Looking from the outside, I agree with you...your DSD would have more stability with you and it would be a great opportunity. Problem is, it is hard to change custody unless both parties agree. Having said that, it will also be equally hard for mom to move with DD without dad's permission. Your best bet is to TRY (and I know how hard that is) and work it out with mom. Propose a temp situation...which after a while dad can prove has been in DD's best interest. I know some parents who have even offered to leave the child support alone in the "temp" situation. After DSD has been in your custody for a length of time it will be easier to get it changed in court. Don't discuss it with DSD, she's a kid and shouldn't have the stress of "choosing".

I wish you luck, these are always hard things to do.

 

[wdw4us2]

I don't know if this is still the rule, but when I was in the Army (early 1980's) all divorced/single custodial parents had to relinquish custody while in Basic Training/AIT.

In most cases, a grandparent or the non-custodial parent had custody. I don't know what was done once they had a permanent duty station.

You might want to check with some others here on the Board that are active duty military.

 

[BabyTigger99]

We have brought this up to our attorney. He has told us that it is pretty much an open and shut case, with us very easily being able to get placement.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Check with your local family court and attorney. Your DSD may be getting close to the age where she can actually pick which parent she wants to live with. If she chooses your DH, his ex-wife will have to prove that he's unstable and basically unfit to be the custodial parent.

Our attorney told us that by 13 my DSDs had a choice. Good Luck to everyone involved.

 

[mickeyboat]

We have brought this up to our attorney. He has told us that it is pretty much an open and shut case, with us very easily being able to get placement.

Does the custody order forbid the ex from moving out of state? If so, I agree.

I would still try to work it out with the ex - it would make it a much smoother transition for your DSD. Good luck!

denae

 

[BabyTigger99]

Divorce decree says she cannot move out of state without DH's approval. Good thing for me, I work at the courthouse (although not in the county their divorce file is in), so I have gotten some advice from people here. I think you can decide at age 12 here, however, it is not really a "decision". The child can give their opinion on where they want to be, but ultimately, it is the Judge's decision (along with the GAL, if one is ordered).

 

[monarchsfan16]

It is the judge's decision, but the judge has to seriously take into account what the child wants once they reach that specific age. The age is 12 here in NH. My father wanted to get me to say I wanted to live with him so he could quit paying child support (among other things) I didn't want to, and so never ended up dealing with judges but my understanding is that the judge once the child hits 12 (or whatever age in the specific state), has to take the child's wishes into consideration unless there is some major reason why their wishes are not appropriate. In this case it does not sound like there are.

 

[BabyTigger99]

It is the judge's decision, but the judge has to seriously take into account what the child wants once they reach that specific age. The age is 12 here in NH. My father wanted to get me to say I wanted to live with him so he could quit paying child support (among other things) I didn't want to, and so never ended up dealing with judges but my understanding is that the judge once the child hits 12 (or whatever age in the specific state), has to take the child's wishes into consideration unless there is some major reason why their wishes are not appropriate. In this case it does not sound like there are.

The Air Force has an AEF rotation (DH is Air National Guard), they deploy every 18 months for 4 months. Seems to me like that is a good reason she should be living with us.

 

[gris gris]

Would it change the mom's mind about entering the military and moving to Florida if you and your DH fight hard for the daughter to stay with you? I'm wondering how much of a fight you'll get? I think it's great that your DH (and you) want her in your home. What a great dad!

 

[mickeyfan2]

What does the custody order state. The ex may need your DH's approval to leave the state. It is also possible the state will give you custody is she does leave the state. You lawyer will know best.

 

[monarchsfan16]

The Air Force has an AEF rotation (DH is Air National Guard), they deploy every 18 months for 4 months. Seems to me like that is a good reason she should be living with us.

I meant if she says she wants to live with you it seems like there are no reasons why she shouldn't.

 

[BabyTigger99]

Would it change the mom's mind about entering the military and moving to Florida if you and your DH fight hard for the daughter to stay with you? I'm wondering how much of a fight you'll get? I think it's great that your DH (and you) want her in your home. What a great dad!

Wouldn't change her mind at all. She does everything for herself, first. This weekend, DH was supposed to meet her to exchange (I hate that word, but can't come up with a better one) her so the ex could have her for Easter morning. DH and DSD called serveral times, at home and on the cell phone, couldn't get a hold of her. Ended up bringing DSD to her aunt's house, who would in turn bring her out to her grandmother's, so she could go to Easter services with them. Luckily, I had taken her shopping and gotten her an outfit to wear on Easter (even though she told me her mom was getting her something), so she had something nice to wear to church. As it turns out, the ex was at the casino with her on-again, off-again boyfriend. No one was home when we went to drop her off after Easter with DH's family on Sunday, either, so we had brought her back home with us so she wouldn't be alone. Mom finally came and picked her up around 1 this afternoon. She had to work on Sunday and Monday nights, and would have just shipped her to a relative's house anyway.

 

[BabyTigger99]

I meant if she says she wants to live with you it seems like there are no reasons why she shouldn't.

Duh!! Read you wrong, sorry!!!

 

[BabyTigger99]

DH's ex called. She said we can have her for this school year, but then she wants her back for high school. Um, three different schools in three years (plus a change in school if the ex gets stationed elsewhere)? Um, nice try, I don't think so!

 

[mickeyboat]

DH's ex called. She said we can have her for this school year, but then she wants her back for high school. Um, three different schools in three years (plus a change in school if the ex gets stationed elsewhere)? Um, nice try, I don't think so!

That's a good start! Does she mean the rest of this year, or the 2006-07 year? If things really do work out better at your house, she might just decide it is better to continue the arrangement. Good luck!

Denae

 

[BabyTigger99]

She means for the 06-07 year. I guess we could keep her, and then just never send her back to her mom's!!!!

 

[BabyTigger99]

Well, DH, the ex, and DSD are getting together to try and hammer everything out next Friday. Personally, I don't think DSD should be involved at this point (I don't want her to have to feel like she is chosing who she "loves" the best), so we will see what happens!

 

[BabyTigger99]

DH just talked to the ex. She can't meet this Friday, because she will not be around (won't tell us where she is). We are writing up a one year proposal, and she is writing up a one year proposal, just to get things straightened out for this first year (99% positive mom is agreeing with her being at our house), and then we will go from there with the remaining years. DH told me he is going to fight tooth and nail to make sure she stays at our house.

 

[Belle0101]

DH just talked to the ex. She can't meet this Friday, because she will not be around (won't tell us where she is). We are writing up a one year proposal, and she is writing up a one year proposal, just to get things straightened out for this first year (99% positive mom is agreeing with her being at our house), and then we will go from there with the remaining years. DH told me he is going to fight tooth and nail to make sure she stays at our house.

I'm so glad to read that things will be in writing even if it's just a proposal. Should push come to shove the Courts will rely more on what documentation is presented vs. he said / she said, that's been my experience.

Also, here in Indiana the law requires "that if a custodial parent intends to move outside Indiana, or more that one humdred miles from the individual's county of residence, a notice of intent to move must be filed with the clerk of the court that issued the custody order, and a copy of the notice must be sent to the other parent". My attorney explained to me that that gives the non-custodial parent time to have his / her say in Court as to why they object to move, if they do object.

I'd have to agree with you too in that DSD doesn't need at this point to feel like she is having to pick sides. No matter what happens, somebody's feelings are going to get hurt and she doesn't need to feel like she was prt of that. Can you offer to take her out to eat or shopping maybe?

If you do get to have her with you for the 2006-07 school year, I'd make sure to keep all her report cards, programs from plays that she was in, any extra-curricular activities, party invites ... so that you can show how much better she is doing at your home, the new school, making friends ...

Best of luck to you, DH and most of all DSD