What to do?(5th grade homework problems) LONG

[Parkhopper]

My DS is in the 5th grade. He is a good kid, very bright (straight A grades), well behaved, kind to others...just an all around good kid. His school believes in learning "leadership values" like organization, attention, responsibility, courage, etc and they work one one leadership value each month. September was organization, October is responsibility.

The problem is with his homework. DH and I have the philosophy that we both already passed 5th grade, so we do not help/do any of his homework. We will help explain a concept if he doesn't understand, but expect him to do his own work (we have been doing this since 2nd grade). Each night we ask if all of the homework for that day has been completed and wait for his affirmative response.

Friday was his birthday and I took him to school early because I brought cupcakes for a class celebration. While I was waiting to introduce myself to his new teacher, I saw him whip out a worksheet and begin working furiously. I thought he was just working ahead until another classmate asked why he hadn't done that worksheet yet. I asked if it was classwork that wasn't completed and was told that it was last night's homework.

I then asked my son, "If this was homework, why wasn't it done last night?" To which he responded, "I knew I had plenty of time to finish it today."

My BIGGEST problem is that he lied straight to my face last night when I asked if he had finished all of his homework. Monday night I asked if homework was finished and he said yes. I asked if he was SURE it was all finished...yes again. Then I asked what would happen if I got into his backpack to check all of his homework and he admitted that he still had some reading to do.

I just don't know how to handle this one. I don't know if it would be better to have me follow up behind him like a small child to make sure that all homework is completed every night OR if I should just let him be and let him suffer the consequences if there comes a time when he just doesn't manage to get it all done.

I will take any advice from anyone who has "been there, done that".

Suzi

 

[JCJRSmith]

Simple solution - don't ask if he DID his homework. When he gets home from school have him show you his homework assignments. My son's and daughter's schools make the kids keep a datebook and they must record their assignments in them. Makes it easier for us to track.

 

[golfgal]

Simple solution - don't ask if he DID his homework. When he gets home from school have him show you his homework assignments. My son's and daughter's schools make the kids keep a datebook and they must record their assignments in them. Makes it easier for us to track.

I agree, look at the homework. I would also try taking something away, like no computer for how ever many days for lying about doing the homework and see if that clears things up. If he knows he isn't going to get away with it, his behavior might change quickly. The rule at our house is that homework gets done first, then friends, phone, computer, etc.

DS13 has been the type of kid that sometimes remembers if he has homework, sometimes not, might remember to turn it in the next day, etc. He has been known to say he doesn't have homework if he wants to do something after school, etc. It has been an on going battle with him, but this year he is getting better.

 

[Mermaid02]

I feel for you. I have an 8 year old who flat out REFUSES to do his work. We have taken things from him (tv computer etc.) but nothing works. We have finally come to the conclusion this is between him and the teacher. If he has to miss recess or stay after school over 20 minutes worth of work- so be it.

 

[Deb in IA]

Our DS is also in 5th grade.


We check every single piece of homework, every night. We correct what he misses, and make him do those items over.

We also passed 5th grade, so we feel we have the knowledge and the skills to help our son do the same. Besides, I'm sure other parents are helping their kids with their homework, so by NOT doing so, we are putting our son at a disadvantage.

 

[Beauty]

Been there too! Uggh it drove me insane! DS had no problem doing class work and made straight A's on tests but REFUSED to do homework. He would tell me he didn't have any etc. It was never a question of me helping, I've always helped him with his homework.

You know the only thing I can tell you is that this summer he started going to a different church where three members of our Beta Club go. He became good friends with them and decided he wants to be in the Beta Club too. He was already on Student Council so noww hes working his butt off so he can get into the Beta Club. I'm so proud of him.

Its definately nothing I did........it was all the influence of these good kids. I couldn't be happier in the friends he has chosen. They are GREAT impressions on him. Now he brings the work to me to check. He doesn't settle for knowing something just so-so he wants to know it perfectly. I'm so proud of him.

Oh and I do totally agree with Deb that we need to help them with homework.

 

[Marseeya]

The problem is with his homework. DH and I have the philosophy that we both already passed 5th grade, so we do not help/do any of his homework. We will help explain a concept if he doesn't understand, but expect him to do his own work (we have been doing this since 2nd grade). Each night we ask if all of the homework for that day has been completed and wait for his affirmative response.



Suzi

I think you really need to get more involved and drop your philosophy. It's a whole different world out there in the schools from when you were a kid. I'm not saying you need to DO his homework and I'd never advocate that, but if he needs you to sit with him and help him, then what's the problem? It sounds as if he's not exactly struggling with it, right? Maybe he just needs supervision.

My DS started high school this year and I breathed a huge sigh of relief thinking I could step back and let him be more independent with his school work. WRONG. After about three weeks, I got complaints from his teachers that he wasn't doing his work.

I tried doing the natural consequences route like you bring up and it worked while he was in the earlier grades -- but once he reached about the 4th grade, he just ended up getting behind in his work.

Good luck.

 

[Marseeya]

We also passed 5th grade, so we feel we have the knowledge and the skills to help our son do the same. Besides, I'm sure other parents are helping their kids with their homework, so by NOT doing so, we are putting our son at a disadvantage.

 

[horseshowmom]

I would like to compliment you on recognizing the fact that you and your husband have already done your time in 5th grade and that it is now your child's "job" to take care of his time there. Unfortunately, our culture and many of today's schools seem to think that parents' should be intimately involved with all aspects of a child's schoolwork (I say this as a former teacher/current administrator). I agree with your philosophy completely.

Basically, I would punish him for being untruthful - even more so because it happened twice. He can be a wonderful child and still do what he did (kids are kids, and they all have their moments - just as we did when we were kids).

He does need to take responsibility for his actions - both homework and integrity. Come up with a punishment (that escalates if need be) that "encourages" him to be more careful of what he answers to your questions.

 

[DVCLiz]

I think there's a different way to look at this. If you have a child who is a straight A student, and you haven't received any feedback from teachers that work is missing or incomplete, then I think you should "back off", so to speak. He's obviously found a way that works for him, and I think he should be allowed to do it his way. If grades dropped, or teachers started complaining, then I'd react differently.

It was very hard for me to accept that my older daughter (who is 17 today - happy birthday!!!) came to a point when I just wasn't in the homework loop any more. It sounds like your son has gotten there earlier. But I wouldn't punish a child for this. The lying part of it doesn't concern me that much, either - you're pushing him on it, and it sounds like he's pushing back a little.

I think you have a child who's either maturing faster than you erxpected or just creative - but either way, I think you'd save yourself a lot of grief if you said, "Look, I'm not really comfortable with the way you've chosen to handle your school responsibilities, but I'm wiilling to let you do it your way, as long as you understand that any consequences will be yours to suffer as well." And then I'd back off.

Just my opinion - good luck with whatever you decide!!!

 

[Parkhopper]

Thanks for the honest feedback. I guess our thinking was that he needed to be responsible for his own homework. We DO have rules about no friends, tv, video games, etc until homework is done (which was probably why he lied about it in the first place).

We will begin checking his work nightly. I was just unsure if this was better or if it was better for him to learn the lesson the hard way when work was not done to turn in on time.

Thanks again,

Suzi

 

[Marseeya]

I would like to compliment you on recognizing the fact that you and your husband have already done your time in 5th grade and that it is now your child's "job" to take care of his time there. Unfortunately, our culture and many of today's schools seem to think that parents' should be intimately involved with all aspects of a child's schoolwork (I say this as a former teacher/current administrator). I agree with your philosophy completely.

Basically, I would punish him for being untruthful - even more so because it happened twice. He can be a wonderful child and still do what he did (kids are kids, and they all have their moments - just as we did when we were kids).

He does need to take responsibility for his actions - both homework and integrity. Come up with a punishment (that escalates if need be) that "encourages" him to be more careful of what he answers to your questions.

No offense, but I really don't understand your reasoning. If, as you say, the culture AND the schools encourage parental involvement, why would you want someone to buck the trend and go against that? I would think it's setting the child up for failure because of the fact that the system is set up for parental involvement. If it weren't for the way schools were doing things these days, I'd probably agree with you.

BTW, my kids' elementary school AND middle school has parents teaching concepts. Also, when they send home worksheets, they send home an answer sheet for the parents and we are expected to correct our child's work and give them the answer if they need it. I honestly don't understand the reasoning behind this, but to not help the kids could be really detrimental to them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You say he is straight A? I wouldn't give him too much grief. Sounds like with his grades he has a handle on things.

Now if he has sudden grade drops then I would get involved. No need to go jumping his case when he does well in school.

 

[justjulie]

Thank goodness for agendas. My son's teacher is diligent about them - they must record EVERYTHING in their agenda and what they have completed at school is checked off - what doesn't have a check mark must be completed at home and it is required to be signed every day (I made the mistake of check marking the material completed at home but was nicely told the agenda had to be signed nightly). No problem, I like the fact she's taking an active interest in her class and attempting to teach them time management and documentation skills.

The problem I found is children don't know HOW to study - we were taught how to study - how to rewrite notes, quiz yourself, etc. Now, it's just thrown out there and kids with parents who don't take an interest in any of it are certainly at a disadvantage.

As far as helping - I've resorted to the assistance of a tutor. Things are NOT taught the same as they were when I was in school and I ended up confusing my child more than helping him with some things ...

 

[binny]

My DS is in the 5th grade. He is a good kid, very bright (straight A grades), well behaved, kind to others...just an all around good kid. His school believes in learning "leadership values" like organization, attention, responsibility, courage, etc and they work one one leadership value each month. September was organization, October is responsibility.

The problem is with his homework. DH and I have the philosophy that we both already passed 5th grade, so we do not help/do any of his homework. We will help explain a concept if he doesn't understand, but expect him to do his own work (we have been doing this since 2nd grade). Each night we ask if all of the homework for that day has been completed and wait for his affirmative response.

Friday was his birthday and I took him to school early because I brought cupcakes for a class celebration. While I was waiting to introduce myself to his new teacher, I saw him whip out a worksheet and begin working furiously. I thought he was just working ahead until another classmate asked why he hadn't done that worksheet yet. I asked if it was classwork that wasn't completed and was told that it was last night's homework.

I then asked my son, "If this was homework, why wasn't it done last night?" To which he responded, "I knew I had plenty of time to finish it today."

My BIGGEST problem is that he lied straight to my face last night when I asked if he had finished all of his homework. Monday night I asked if homework was finished and he said yes. I asked if he was SURE it was all finished...yes again. Then I asked what would happen if I got into his backpack to check all of his homework and he admitted that he still had some reading to do.

I just don't know how to handle this one. I don't know if it would be better to have me follow up behind him like a small child to make sure that all homework is completed every night OR if I should just let him be and let him suffer the consequences if there comes a time when he just doesn't manage to get it all done.

I will take any advice from anyone who has "been there, done that".

Suzi

Oh honey, Im IN the same boat as you, almost exactly. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I,too, am at my wits end with the whole thing.

If you need a shoulder please feel free to PM or email me

 

[N.Bailey]

I didn't read all the responses here, so I apologize if this has already been mentioned. Why don't you contact the school and see if they have assignments online for parents to look at? Our school district does this and it has always been a great resource. Ours not only puts homework assignments out there, but it also has any worksheets that a child may have lost or missed because of being sick or what not available to be printed from home. They also list every letter that goes home from each teacher and or the principle/assistant and they list the school calendar, lunch calendars, science fair project info and any important stuff like that. You're able to print your own tardy, absentee, or early dismissal slips. Every teacher's email addy and home phone numbers are right there for the clicking too. I've only touched on a few things that are available on the site too. I could go on and on with everything that's covered there. It's listed for every school in our district too and it's password protected.

I live in Hickstown, USA, so if our school does it, there is a great chance many others do it too. Ours does send many papers home making sure parents are totally aware of it being there though, so maybe you don't have it available, but hey, it never hurts to find out. I would also suggest ALL parents call their schools and recommend it for any district that doesn't already to it too. It's a HUGE resource!!!

 

[horseshowmom]

Quote:

No offense, but I really don't understand your reasoning. If, as you say, the culture AND the schools encourage parental involvement, why would you want someone to buck the trend and go against that? I would think it's setting the child up for failure because of the fact that the system is set up for parental involvement. If it weren't for the way schools were doing things these days, I'd probably agree with you.

BTW, my kids' elementary school AND middle school has parents teaching concepts. Also, when they send home worksheets, they send home an answer sheet for the parents and we are expected to correct our child's work and give them the answer if they need it. I honestly don't understand the reasoning behind this, but to not help the kids could be really detrimental to them.



The OP stated that they were providing help on an as needed basis. Since he's an A student, it's working. He's just "may" be developing some bad habits. If more serious problems develop, then other steps may need to be taken.

As you said, no offense (this is only IMHO), but I believe that teaching a child to be self-sufficient and an independent learner is the most viable method of helping them achieve future success (even though I'm somewhat in the minority here).

I know of university instructors who now have parents contact them concerning their students' grade, missing class, etc. This was unheard of 10-15 years ago.

My DD is a university freshman and has been amazed at how even many of the brighter students flounder. The professor asked in one class for the students to be honest as to how many had done the reading for the class. In a class of about 200, no more than 20-30 raised their hands. He just shook his head.

In her lab classes, many seem to want to be led step by step. and the TA's refuse to do it.

Doing their homework on their own is not too much to ask of a child. If they don't establish these skills as they progress through school, college and/or the work environment will be a severe shock.

 

[goodeats]

I agree. If he's getting the work done (even eventually) and still getting straight A's then you don't have a problem. He needs to learn on his own terms. If he starts getting B's then you should start taking stuff away, since it's not acceptable. (Note: not that B's in themselves are not acceptable, but settling for one when you are clearly capable of getting an A is not acceptable).

I had a friend in college who had two younger sisters. Her youngest sister got into college and was not doing well. Her mother drove up to the school, checked into a hotel, and wrote the younger sister's essay for her since she wasn't doing well. My friend was not pleased. Eventually the younger sister transferred to a less demanding college.

 

[CheshireVal]

As a former straight A student, STAR student, and current teacher, I can say that I don't really care about *when* the homework gets done, as long as it gets done.

I rarely did my homework the night before... I usually waited til the next day and whipped it out during free time. I still made A's. I don't care if my students now do their homework at home or in homeroom, as long as it's done before my class.

If your son's grades are good, then I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[Parkhopper]

Thanks for the positive words from those that understand why we were having DS be responsible for his own homework too! We are going to check what homework is due before he starts it daily to let him know that we are aware of what needs to be done. I think for now we are going to continue to let him work on his own as it has worked for the last 5 years (K - 4th) and see what happens when we have our teacher conferences on October 18th.

Thanks again for the responses.

Suzi