What parts did I get? (And an update on me...)

[chell]

Recently I brought home my portion of Junior's ashes. Tonight when I was putting some in my new necklace I was wondering just what parts of him I got. Is it odd to wonder such things?

Really when was putting the ashes in my necklace I didn't worry and it didn't bother me in the least. That was weird for me because I thought it would freak me out. For some strange reason it didn't bother me at all. That has to show how much I love him.

As I was feeling the necklace I would look at the bag of ashes and look at the larger pieces and wonder what exactly it was and where it was located.

Knowing Junior, if he had anything to do with the portions I got I'm sure he made sure I got his heart and, ummm, manly stuff (wasn't sure how to make that DIS appropriate).

Now as I think back of filling my necklace I really am proud of myself for how well I did it and that I never freaked out at all. When I first got the ashes I couldn't even open the box. My sister had to open it and look at it for me. I really have come a long way as far as all that goes.

As far as everything else and my emotions I haven't come very far at all. I still feel like I am stuck in a rut and I still feel like I am falling apart. But my counselor says that she can already see an improvement in me. Guess I will take her word for it because I sure don't feel like it.

Am I not a little too young to go through all the crap I have been through in my lifetime? Gee!

Tomorrow I go back to work after having 3 weeks off. Yesterday I found out that my short-term disability was approved but then according to their website it has been terminated. I am trying not to stress about that right now because going back to work is enough stress. I really am trying not to stress about going back to work. I know that it will not be easy because once I am sitting in front of my computer again all alone, without my pets near by and without the ability to chat with my friends on-line, that i will start thinking too much once again. That is when I can't stop it and it gets the best of me. This is when it really does suck to be such a thinker.

At least I have made up my mind that if my boss gives me a hard time I will keep my cool and tell her that she needs to stick to work related stuff only and that will be the end of it. I refuse to let her get to me. Anyone think that will work?

The highlight of my day today was a customer at the store telling me that I was gorgeous. I think she is crazy but hey it sure did make me smile.

Thanks for reading a little more of my rambles. Each day is still difficult and I still want to hide from the world but I am trying my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

PS Here is a link to the necklace I bought.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Continued good wishes coming your way, Michelle. And that locket looks so nice.

 

[chell]

Thanks Dan! Since I love stars I knew that was the one for me. This way I really will always have a part of Junior with me.

 

[lyeag]

Chell, it does get better. I have been there. I lost my dh after one year of marriage when I was 23. So many questions and emotions. I had an infant daughter at the time and I wanted to die. The months that followed his death are hazy to me. The days ran together as I tried to figure out what I was going to do with myself. Take time for yourself and your children. Those that love you will be there to listen and not judge.

I was lucky and found love again, and I hope, in time, you will too.

I don't think it is odd to wonder what parts you got. Odd things go through your head as you try to make sense of it all.

 

[chell]

Thanks Lyeag. Hazy seems to be the word of the month for me currently. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Glad to hear all worked out well for you.

 

[lynetteSC]

wow! That necklace so neat! HUGS!!!!

 

[chell]

Thanks Lynette! I love it. The chain is nice and long so that I don't even have to unhook it to take it off or put it on.

For some odd reason earlier tonight I felt like I had just sat and chatted with him or something. But I was in the middle of cooking dinner when that feeling came over me. It was weird. But I did have a sense of peace at that moment.

I swear this is the most difficult thing I have been through in my life. I hope nothing more difficult ever does happen to me. Like I said in another thread I feel like I'm an 80 year old woman.

Yesterday I told my counselor that I didn't realize just how much love I had for him and how much I really needed him and needed to take care of him until he was gone. Sorry. Here I go rambling again.

 

[Sparx]

I like the necklace. Its a sweet idea. to you.

 

[chell]

Thanks Hun. The hugs are great too.

 

[Jennifer S]

Chell I just feel so bad for you. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I love the necklace and think it's a great idea. Good luck at work and make sure you are taking care of yourself

 

[dmslush]

Thanks Lynette! I love it. The chain is nice and long so that I don't even have to unhook it to take it off or put it on.

For some odd reason earlier tonight I felt like I had just sat and chatted with him or something. But I was in the middle of cooking dinner when that feeling came over me. It was weird. But I did have a sense of peace at that moment.

I swear this is the most difficult thing I have been through in my life. I hope nothing more difficult ever does happen to me. Like I said in another thread I feel like I'm an 80 year old woman.

Yesterday I told my counselor that I didn't realize just how much love I had for him and how much I really needed him and needed to take care of him until he was gone. Sorry. Here I go rambling again.

You're not rambling! I am sorry for all that you have been through, but encouraged to see, at times, you posts seem to sound like you are starting to feel a little better.

 

[chell]

Thank you Jennifer and Dana. There are moments where I feel better then I seem to be overwhelmed again. It really is a roller coaster. Did my life forget that I can't stand roller coasters? I think it did!

The DISers who have shown me so much kindness have really touched my heart and given me so much hope and so much warmth.

I want to wear my necklace all the time but I'm afraid to sleep in it and I am afraid to wear it in the shower. Hopefully I will remember to put it on each day. It really is perfect for me because the chain is so long and that is something I have always wanted but have had a difficult time finding one the right length. When I ordered this one I didn't think about the length of the necklace and it ended up perfect.

 

[raammartin]

Hugs to you. Hopefully time will heal your heart. Your necklace is really neat and a great way to keep him close to you.

 

[chell]

Thank you too Amanda. Hope the day comes soon when I don't get "lost" in my mind so often. This morning driving to work I forgot where I was and where I was going. The worst part is that I only live 1.2 miles from my job. I sort of spaced out and forgot where I was. That scares me but at least I know it is part of the process.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

.....I didn't realize just how much love I had for him and how much I really needed him and needed to take care of him until he was gone.

I remember reading your thread when you got the news.

He got it and so did you. You both understood that just because your relationship wasn't easy it didn't mean that you didn't love each other. I am finding it more and more rare that people realize what they have while they still have it.

As for the grieving process I think you are doing very well, you seem to be embracing the steps and feelings. Most people fight it and that is when they have difficulty functioning long term.

 

[chell]

Thank you Buffy. I really don't mean to post about it so much around here but I feel like if I hold it in I will explode or completely withdrawal from the world - neither of which I want to do.

Thank you all so much for your words and for taking the time to show me your support.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

The worst thing you can do is hold it in. Trust me!!!

Keep up the good work, remember your focus is on your new normal. One step at a time.

 

[Jeanny]

You'll be ok. we'll all be here for you.

 

[chell]

Y'all are simply amazing! Thank you for all the encouragement.

 

[Mimi Q]

Beautiful necklace.