What makes a marriage work?

[Alice28]

It's not 50/50. It's 100/100! Don't keep tally sheets.

You won't always feel in love; love is a feeling that comes & goes. But you stay the course of the committment you made & why you married this person in the first place. The grass isn't always greener!

Loyalty & trust are key!

 

[ElizK]

Go out of your way to do little things for your spouse that will please him. It'll make him have love and appreciate you more, and it'll make you feel good doing things for him.

Make the commitment to not say negative things about your spouse to others, particularly to your mother.

Say "thank you" when he does things around the house, even "his chores". He'll feel appreciated.

I've been married 17 years. I learned most of these things the hard way!
I read a book not long ago that had some very good recommendations.... it's called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. She's a contraversial person, but her advice was excellent. My husband snuck a peek in the book and was very impressed by her insight.

 

[disykat]

I'm so glad Disney Doll said "know when to go to bed angry". I think the - don't go to bed angry advice is silly. You are going to have problems it takes longer to solve! Sometimes it's a matter of just putting your feelings aside a bit and realizing that this one is going to take some work. It doesn't mean not to deal with it, but rather to consider it a longer term project. In my case, my dh needs TIME to process everything and it results in me going to bed angry almost every time we have an issue. But I have learned to wait, knowing that our resolutions will come sooner if I give him the time and space to think a bit before I pounce on him with a we've got to fix this now attitude.

I think what the "don't go to bed angry advice" really means is deal with your issues - but you need to do it in a way that accomodates both partners.

 

[Saphire]

You won't always feel in love; love is a feeling that comes & goes. But you stay the course of the committment you made & why you married this person in the first place.

There is some great advice and insight here, as usual. I guess if I had to pick one thing, it would be what Alice28 just said. Expect, and don't be surprised, when you fall 'out of love'. It happens in the best relationships. Women in particular are shocked and dismayed when they lose 'that feeling'. This is where the committment part comes in. If you are willing to push through it, continue to act in a loving way toward your spouse, the feelings do return. This testing of the core of your marriage makes you stronger and ultimately more in love than before.
Many people get divorced because they "aren't in love" anymore. But we make a promise to each other when we marry to stay with it, even when it doesn't feel good. I would encourage engaged couples to really read their marriage vows, because each marriage will be tested.

 

[roseprincess]

I know when my dh and I got married, we went thru pre-marital counseling and pre-marital workshops. That was and still is the requirement to get married at the church I attend. It really helps to have the pre-marital workshops on budgeting as a couple, as well as the other pre-marital workshops my dh and I attended before we got married. These workshops really help all couples getting married. It really puts into perspective about marriage in the long run and not just focusing on the wedding itself.
I don't know if you and your fiance have had pre-marital workshops/ counseling, but I would highly recommend it to anyone getting married.

My dh and I have been married 12 yrs. and have 2 special needs kids. We have our everyday struggles. Parenting struggles,marriage struggles. Our marriage is strong. Thank God we had the premarital workshops as guidance for our marriage.

On a side note, I just can't stand these celebrity weddings/divorces. I wish all of these people could get some sense knocked into them and get some counseling and perservere in their marriages instead of taking the easy way out and always divorcing.

Best wishes to you and your df on your upcoming marriage.

 

[Tinkertude]

Some days ya just have to remember you promised God too.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I'm so glad Disney Doll said "know when to go to bed angry". I think the - don't go to bed angry advice is silly. You are going to have problems it takes longer to solve! Sometimes it's a matter of just putting your feelings aside a bit and realizing that this one is going to take some work. It doesn't mean not to deal with it, but rather to consider it a longer term project. In my case, my dh needs TIME to process everything and it results in me going to bed angry almost every time we have an issue. But I have learned to wait, knowing that our resolutions will come sooner if I give him the time and space to think a bit before I pounce on him with a we've got to fix this now attitude.

I think what the "don't go to bed angry advice" really means is deal with your issues - but you need to do it in a way that accomodates both partners.

I agree with this as well. Sometimes you just need to go to bed! In the morning, we often forget what we were even arguing about! Staying up to beat a dead horse while we're tired and cranky is just plain silly. Esp since DH turns into a grump after 10pm. I know it's better to NOT discuss anything with him after that point, there is no point!

My DH also needs time to think about things. If it's a major issue, we can pick it up again the next day when we've both had time to sleep on it, rest, and gain a new perspective.

I've never agreed with the "don't go to bed angry" advice.

I'll just echo others: communicate, compromise, learning how your DH thinks and resolves issues so you can understand him (this was a KEY in our marriage, I had to learn how he worked!). PIck your battles - and know somedays you may be wondering what the HECK you got yourself into.

 

[MdmMim]

After 31 years...
Respect each other.

Have a sense of humor.

Give each other some space. If I need a Disney fix and DH doesn't/can't go, I take a solo trip--with his blessing. If he wants to go off for a weekend or longer with friends (NASCAR, fishing, hunting, etc.), he goes. We don't have to do everything together.

When things seem rocky, hang in there! For us, the longer we're married, the better it gets!!

 

[SDFgirl]

I agree with this as well. Sometimes you just need to go to bed! In the morning, we often forget what we were even arguing about! Staying up to beat a dead horse while we're tired and cranky is just plain silly. Esp since DH turns into a grump after 10pm. I know it's better to NOT discuss anything with him after that point, there is no point!

My DH also needs time to think about things. If it's a major issue, we can pick it up again the next day when we've both had time to sleep on it, rest, and gain a new perspective.

I've never agreed with the "don't go to bed angry" advice.

I'll just echo others: communicate, compromise, learning how your DH thinks and resolves issues so you can understand him (this was a KEY in our marriage, I had to learn how he worked!). PIck your battles - and know somedays you may be wondering what the HECK you got yourself into.

Good point. I know I *hate* it when DF are upset with each other. It doesn't happen often, but I don't think I could sleep very well. However, it's certainly true - in relationships and life in general - that a good night's sleep often puts things in perspective.

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom!

 

[antmaril]

After 31 years...
Respect each other.

Have a sense of humor.

Give each other some space. If I need a Disney fix and DH doesn't/can't go, I take a solo trip--with his blessing. If he wants to go off for a weekend or longer with friends (NASCAR, fishing, hunting, etc.), he goes. We don't have to do everything together.

When things seem rocky, hang in there! For us, the longer we're married, the better it gets!!

I, too, have been married 31 years (well, almost, July 12th will be 31!) and I agree with this 100% Definitely give each other some space. You DO NOT have to do everything together. Mutual respect and a sense of humor will get you through most things. It is very important to be friends because once the romance fades (and there is a good chance it will) the friendship just gets stronger through the years.

I also agree that it's okay to go to bed angry. Sometimes you can't resolve it and you just want to go to bed. Perhaps by sleeping on it, you will have a new perspective or you will realize it isn't worth the argument.

Be good to each other.

Best wishes.

 

[Mimi Q]

Married 17 years come August. My advice would be, be responsible for your own happiness. Don't expect him to make you happy. Congratulations!!

 

[Deb & Bill]

When your husband yells at you for not putting the potatoes into the oven earlier, so now they are still hard and the meat is already done, throw the potatoes at him! This is still known as our great potato war.

Actually, it's lots of give and take. Plan on it lasting a lifetime and making it work. Suck it up sometimes and sometimes make him.

Don't make big decisions by yourself. Make them together.

Be friends. Enjoy being with each other. Hold hands. Sex is nice, but you need more.

Share the money. Do things together. Do things that he likes and he does things you like.

Have a common religion and practice it the same way.

Kiss him goodbye every morning. And hello every evening.

We've been married 23 years.

 

[disneyeveryyear]

My DH and I had our premarital counseling with the minister (almost 18 years ago).

The most important thing he told us was that when we married "we" became our new family. Our "new" family took precedence over our "old" families. We needed to assess the needs of us and our children, and then decide how our parents, siblings, etc. fit into the mix. That was a huge piece of information.

There was an article in the newspaper this week about a couple who were celebrating their 82nd wedding anniversary. Someone asked her what the most important thing was. Her answer, "Love".

So even when your spouse is acting like an idiot (and he will), just remember that you love him, and why you love him.

 

[minniecarousel]

I have to agree with the "compromise!" advise! And don't complain about your spouse to others. Don't keep secrets!
I've been married for almost 30 years and I have to say that my husband is my best friend!

 

[mariolatry]

The best advice I every got was "Realize that you annoy the other person just as much as they annoy you." Good advice for when I'm gnashing my teeth over his ignoring housework, etc. I'm not perfect either!

 

[Kitty 34]

Trust

 

[minkydog]

Don't talk to you mother or sisters about the problems you're having. Ever.

Promote each other--don't join in the gossip with others aer dissing their spouses. It's the ultimate disrespect.

Do fun things together.

Make his/her coffee every morning.

When you come home at night and you don't smell food cooking, that is your cue to take your spouse out to dinner.

Pick up behind yourself.

Only rigid people live in "House Beautiful." Make time to make memories.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I once read an article that said there are two things to a successfull marrage.

Repect - You need to repect you spouse.
Trust - You need to trust you spouse with you life.


Love - Is not needed but sure is a welcome addition.

 

[sunni]

I might get flamed, but I believe it takes committment more than love. Love is great, necessary IMO, but there will be times when you aren't feeling so loving towards your spouse. Whether that feeling lasts an hour, a day, a week, a year, whatever, you need a strong committment to get through it.

Be willing to say you're sorry or admit you were wrong.

Don't let a bunch of little things fester and build up until you explode. They won't have a clue what hit them and you'll look insane. Deal with it or let it go, don't hang onto it.

Together 22 years, married 16

 

[Patty3]

sunni, no flaming here. I totally agree with you on the committment. You commit to loving you partner on days when you may not even want to look at them. All marriages have highs and lows, you get through it with committment. Oprah asked a couple who had been married over 50 years what their secret was. The husband said, "We have never been out of love with each other at the same time".