What made you stop talking to close family members? (be specific)

[Chocolate Cake]

Yet another spin off on some current threads going on right now. I would like to know what specifically led up to the point where you no longer talk to a sibling, a parent, a close aunt, etc. ?

I ask because I want to know the breaking point. I have mentioned on here several times how I strongly dislike my sister. Specifically, she is a mean person, who really never has anything nice to say or do.

The most recent of thousands of horrible comments:

"You gained weight. Why are you still wearing that shirt?" (said to my poor mother in a very mean tone. My mom hasn't gained an ounce and looked great in the shirt).

"You only gave my kid $50 for her birthday? I know you make more than that!" (she has never acknowledged my children's birthdays. Never.)

"I am not contributing to Mom's birthday gift this year, but I still want my name on the card. You hear me?!" (said just like that). Then threw a fit when I didn't put her name on our joint gift from the siblings.

My other siblings don't talk to her. I am the last hold out. She has always been a dreadful person. I am sure she has some sort of mental illness, but I don't even care at this point.

She dresses to the nines. Always has her hair and nails done. Drives new luxury cars. Eats out at wonderful restaurants with her girlfriends all of the time. She is bleeding her husband dry. She called me last month to borrow money to go on vacation (WHAT!?) and slammed the phone down on my face when I told her absolutely not. I have not lent her money in over a decade, as she would never pay me back. But it doesn't stop her from asking me constantly for money. She just doesn't get it, even when explained to her.

She wasn't going to put braces on her daughter's teeth because she couldn't afford it. My mom paid for the braces and my sister then went and bought a new car. Her "old" car was 2 years old.

It just goes on and on. I WANT to be estranged from her. I despise her. I just don't want to be cut off from my niece and nephews. I can't wait until they are old enough to contact me themselves. Then I am getting my horrible sister out of my life.

 

[gwynne]

I think when people consistently say things that seriously lack any kindness and empathy, they are really giving you a snapshot of their core personality. And that personality isn't nice.
It's wonderful that you love your niece and nephews and want to keep that relationship. Don't let your sister's self-centered unpleasantness affect your choices. Keep being the person you are. If you need to limit some contact, do what feels right to you.
And...just because she "says" something, doesn't mean it is.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I'll play. This might be long and confusing.

My sister stopped talking to me. I have chosen to let it be and not try to make up with her.
She stopped talking to me because I told her off.
Her husband is an alcoholic. In the year leading up to my telling her off, the two of them put me under and extreme amount of stress. Her husband sent me demeaning sexual text messages, walked around in his underwear in front of me, asked me to have sex with him while my sister was at work and I was watching their daughter.
The two of them basically turned my life upside down with their alcoholic codependent dance. He'd take all their money and take off. She was a crying mess and I'd be left to take care of their kids (which I gladly did because they needed me). These types of things happened several times a week for months.
Finally he started an argument with me, pushed me and kicked me out of their house. My sister was home but in a different room at the time. He admitted to pushing me but told her it was my fault. She decided to believe him. After that she barely talked to me unless it was about her kids. I still took them while she was working. He was home but basically was given no responsibilities at all. I was never invited back to their house. My sister basically pretended none of that summer of hell happened.
Summer came and I'd be watching her kids. I asked her for a schedule so I'd know when I'd have them and could plan accordingly. She refused and acted like it was crazy that I wanted that. She just kept saying "please explain what is different that you need that this year". It enraged me because the thing that was different was I watching them at my house because her husband had assaulted me and kicked me out of their house months earlier.
It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I went off on her.
She decided to stop talking to me because I'm mean to her. My mother tried explaining how their behavior left us all with lots of hurt feelings that they need to acknowledge (they dragged my parents into their mess too). She stopped talking to my mother also.

 

[kellyg403]

I have not spoken to my brother in several years. There are too many selfish issues to even name. He is my you gets brother by 12 years. I was more or less a mother figure to him as our mom had to work. It hurt me a lot but getting out of that whole mess has been freeing My mom is constantly wAnting us to mend fences. But he won't change and it will be one bailout Fter another.

 

[barkley]

a death threat.

 

[kimblebee]

My family stopped talking to a cousin after she fought my uncles will after he died and claimed herself to be his common law partner. My uncle had sat down with her, my family, a lawyer, and the executor of the will a week before he died and spelled out very clearly how he wanted everything to be. The will was changed accordingly and everyone was in agreement. After he died, she fought it and the stupid judge bought it. She ended up with half of everything, going against everything he wanted. We haven't spoken to her since.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

How long do you have?

My father's mother HATED my mother and I. She made darn sure my father doubted my mother, and therefore me, since day 1. She would not allow her precious son to move out of the house, even though he was married and expecting a child. She questioned him so many times about my mother that eventually, my father told my mother that he didn't think I was his child - even after I was born and looked just like him. My mother was not allowed to get a job, go shopping, cut her hair, or even leave the house while she was married to my father. She couldn't even go sit outside - the neighbors might see her!

After 2 1/2 years, Mom had had enough and called her brothers to pick her and I up. She packed a small bag for me and nothing for herself. My father "ran away" (he was afraid of my uncles...all three were Marines; one at the time was a police officer and showed up in uniform, in his cruiser). The next day, we arrived here in CT where I grew up with her and her parents. My father immediately filed for divorce. Thankfully, my mother got custody of me.

Now...my father was supposed to pay $25 per week child support. He did...but he refused to EVER raise that.
He was ordered to carry medical and dental insurance for me. He didn't..."it's too expensive."
Beginning when I was 5, I had to visit him for 4 weeks per year. He was ordered to fly here (Indiana to CT) to pick me up and vice versa, because a child that age "shouldn't" fly alone. He did come to get me...the first time. At the end of the 4 weeks, he put me on a plane BY MYSELF and from then on, every year, I was on my own - because "It's too expensive to buy plane tickets. If you want me to come get her" (he said to my mother), "you can pay for my ticket."
The year that I was 7 or 8 years old, he wasn't even at the airport to meet me (O'Hare in Chicago). I had to find my way to the baggage claim by myself.
He didn't pay any child support for those 4 weeks that I was with him. In fact, he demanded that my mother pay him.
When I arrived at their house, my clothing was taken away from me. I was presented with a box of garage sale clothing and that's what I had to wear.
My father never took time off from work to spend with me. I spent my days going to garage sales with his parents.
I was not allowed to go outside, because the neighbors might see me and steal me.
I was not even allowed to enter the bathroom by myself, because I might fall (I quickly learned to run in, shut and lock the door, but I'd come out to someone standing there with an ear to the door). Showers were impossible - I put my foot down when I was 12, but my father would stand right outside the curtain to make sure I didn't fall.
Around the age of 12, I learned what taxes were. I then found out that my father had LOTS of money in bank accounts that were in my name and SSN - and my mother, as custodial parent, had to pay the taxes on the interest.
He also filed his taxes during the first week of February every year in order to make sure that he claimed me as a dependent before my mother did.

In all, he spent 6 months of my life with me (that I can remember...I don't count my first 18 months of life because I don't remember anything).

Finally, the year I turned 14, his mother said to me one day, "I got your mother out of his life and I'm going to get rid of you, too." A few months later, he drove out here to CT for a weekend visit. At the end of the weekend, he sat down with my grandmother (Mom's mother) and I and proceeded to tell the most fantastical stories that I'd ever heard. His mother had told him that she caught me in his room, going through his drawers, looking for items that other people had given me over the years. She told him that I stole a bunch of toys that they'd bought and smuggled them out in my cassette cases. And many other things...we sat there for 3 hours, yelling and screaming and crying over it all. He eventually stormed out of the house, and the next day he left for home. We never spoke again.

The week of my 31st birthday, I was playing around with genealogy on the internet and checked the Social Security Death Index to see if I could find any relatives. I was shocked to find out that my father had died 6 months earlier. I eventually learned that he'd had a massive stroke on both sides of the brain, one week after his 54th birthday. I can't say I really felt anything and I still don't. He wasn't a father to me - from growing up with my mother's parents, my grandpa was my "dad." But now I find that I'm struggling with what I might tell my son someday when he asks why he doesn't have a grandpa here.

 

[superme80]

My sister and I go through different phases of speaking. Last time it was over something stupid. I was 8 months pregnant and not in the mood for her drama. She was offended I told her to stop posting on my facebook. See stupid. The longest was when she and her ex husband started making inappropriate jokes and comments regarding a good friend of mine and me. She then proceeded to tell my entire family I was an alcoholic. I got into a fender bender on the freeway, and the brewery was the closest landmark I could see. She said I had sampled "one too many" and crashed my car. She then got upset that I was not "thankful" for her interference. So for the past 10 years I have had to constantly explain to my mom that my having a glass of wine or a beer will not set me off on a bender.

 

[SEA333]

dup

 

[lurkernj]

I don't speak to either of my parents for very different reasons.

I know you want specifics, but I'll try to keep it simple, my mother is bi-polar(I think), and has gone off the deep end more times than I can count (didn't even come to her only daughter's wedding), but she won't go get any help. This has gone on for 30 yrs, on and off. She has 5 siblings and speaks to none of them, as well as her mother, and me (her daughter). She thinks we all have a problem and she's normal. Last time I saw her (about 10 yrs ago), she cursed my kids out to me (in front of them), they were 7 and 10.

My father got remarried when I was a teenager, to a woman who didn't want his children around (by this point my mother had moved across the united states and didn't want to speak to me since i wouldn't go with her, so he was my only option). Stepmother was constantly causing issues and manipulating situations, even getting my brother thrown out when he was 17, leaving him to live in his car, he eventually caved and went out west to live with our mother, and a year later commited suicide. When I turned 17, they got a 1 bedroom apartment 45 minutes away from my high school, and let me sleep on their couch when I couldn't find a friends house to stay at. I let this go on for years, until I pulled the plug and didn't want my kids seeing/experienceing this behavior (also showed much favortism towards one of my children while dismissing the other).

I don't want to sound petty, there is much more than I've detailed here. And of course other people had it worse than I did, but there comes a point in time where we decide not to keep being victimized by these people, regardles of who they are to us.

When it got to the point that I dreaded answering the phone(before caller ID), in case it was one of my parents, I knew it was time. And I really, really didn't want my kids growing up with any influence of either of my parents.

 

[honeybunches]

It's not that I am not on speaking terms with SIL..... I just take care to avoid being around her because I have zero respect for the way she manipulates her single-mom situation, and I'm afraid I'll say something that would make everyone uncomfortable. She's my husband's sister and lives 7 hrs away, so that makes it easy for me to stay away from her. She takes advantage of everyone. My husband's parents (who live near her) are very supportive of her, helping her raise her 4 kids and often helping her out of a pinch when she can't cover her bills. She has moved in with them several times, bleeds them dry, then badmouths them when they don't give her what she wants. We send MIL money to help with the kids sometimes because they can't afford the groceries, clothes, school supplies, etc they have to buy for the kids. SIL decides on a whim to come down here to visit, but really it's just to drop off her kids so she can stay at a hotel with her boyfriend. This has happened several times. My DH and BIL just go along with it, but it drives me nuts!!! The last straw was that she sent her oldest to college here, but didn't help him financially or emotionally the whole time. She expected us (along with DH's brother and his wife) to take care of everything, from doctor's visits to moving him out of his dorm room. I feel so sorry for her children, but I wouldn't want them to live with me mostly because I don't want to have to deal with her any more than we already do.

I haven't spoken to my father in over 20 years. He chose a lifestyle that didn't include me or my brother, so we moved on. I worry about what will happen to him when he is older, but for now, we're content not to be in each other's lives.

 

[SandiR]

I'm on the verge of ending my relationship with my cousin. I am an only child and my family is very small so my cousins have always been like siblings. Unfortunately, my cousin married this man that I simply cannot stand. He is incredibly rude and inappropriate. I honestly think he must have some kind of disorder. He's the kind of person who will laugh hysterically if someone falls down and gets hurt in front of him. He also likes to hurt my son. He'll act like he's rough-housing with him, but my son ends up getting a bruise. We've told him that our son doesn't like it, but he just laughs that off. His young children are also getting the message that hurting people is funny. He five year old son thinks it's funny to hit other boys in, well, a dangerous place. His seven year old daughter thinks it's funny to pull hair.

I'm not comfortable with telling my cousin that her husband is gross and her kids are learning to be gross, so I'm leaning towards cutting ties with her. It doesn't help that she rarely seems to see anything wrong with any of their behaviors.

 

[disney world dreamer]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

 

[Mokat76]

Not me but my siblings no longer speak. Sister disapproved of brother divorcing to marry the "other woman." Brother got mad at that. Neither will give in and make the first move. When I gently prod I get the the, "He/She has my number." It's sad and silly. Each asks me about the other, but both are too stubborn to extend the olive branch.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

But, if you read many of the posts above, it seems like cutting ties is the only option.

To those who have posted, thank you. I wish things would be better for all of us.

 

[Jennasis]

Everyone's breaking point is different.

We no longer associate with my MIL after too many years of too much nonsense. It was DH's decision to cut his mother out and I whole heartedly supported him. I'm also sure she has some sort of mental illness, but as she refuses to seek help for it, there isn't anything we can do. She isn't a danger to herself or others...just mean as a snake.

 

[SEA333]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

It's not an easy process

 

[disney world dreamer]

But, if you read many of the posts above, it seems like cutting ties is the only option.

To those who have posted, thank you. I wish things would be better for all of us.

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

 

[gwynne]

But, if you read many of the posts above, it seems like cutting ties is the only option.

To those who have posted, thank you. I wish things would be better for all of us.

Just to note, my comments are general to lots of situations on this thread.

It is very sad. I think it is enormously helpful to find a good therapist if you're considering cutting ties or contact. Sometimes one is going to occasionally interact with the difficult person, even if you'd rather not. Having some good skills on how to handle things with limited contact now and then can bring some peace of mind.

Having a therapist or other mental health specialist work with you as you look at the difficult person's behaviors can really help, too. Sometimes it really isn't you. It's mental illness. That can be very validating. It helps get you out of the they did this, and this, and this phase. You know they are probably going to continue. Only you can change.

Caller ID, text, and not feeling like I had to reply right away helped. In addition, ( for me) not being on Facebook is also a great strategy. Facebook in particular seems to be triggering to many folks with mental health issues. I don't need to be a part of their overreactions and daily upsets, complaints and perceived slights.

It's a process finding a way toward some personal peace and space.

 

[FINFAN]

sister manipulated my folks emotionally, financially and wickedly. After my father died we came across a letter he had written to her stating he could no longer afford to help her, but hadn't mailed. I had no idea the amount of $$$ that went her way until he was gone. She to this day, declares she did nothing wrong as she sits in her home while parents lost theirs.