What is proper sympathy gift from coworkers... updated with answer from Allexperts.c

[agentpleakley]

The most disturbing thing, IMHO, is collecting cash and giving it to the coworker whose relative has passed away. This is what my building is doing for our cleaning lady (this is what she asked for). But I guess this may be better than the time, the cleaning lady's DIL was killed (she was the drunk driver) and we had to put in money to buy a painting for her dining room (she also asked for this). While I have no problem contributing to flowers or other appropriate bereavement gift - including meals from Honeybaked Ham or whatever -- I think it is just tacky to give someone an envelope full of money. Moreover, who gets to decide who gets the cash and who gets flowers? A secretary's mother died last month, she got a potted plant from the building. I am really confused.

Calling Emily Post devotees -- is giving cash in an envelope proper?


THIS IS THE ANSWER IS RECEIVED TODAY FROM Allexperts.com IF ANYONE CARES

http://www.allexperts.com/user.cgi?m=6&catID=2570&qID=4634813

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I typically give money at a wake. There are little envelopes and everything at the funeral home.

For someone I do not know well - like a token - maybe $20. Funerals are expensive! For someone who needed it, could be in the hundreds.

Does not seem strange to me.

 

[themarquis]

ummm... okay, this is just IMO, but when we're talking about a death, I don't understand why the person who is in mourning can't request anything that they might want. It might be weird, you might not get it, but whatever, they're in mourning. It's kind of cruel and disrespectful IMO to question whether it's "tacky" or not . A painting -- yes, it's really weird. An envelope of cash -- I'd assume she has to pay for the burial expenses and whatnot. Who knows? But it's pretty tacky to worry about whether something a bereaved person might want is "tacky".

 

[dcgrumpy]

In a lot of cultures giving cash is the norm. Especially in a case where the family may have a hard time paying for a funeral. I was young when my mother died, my siblings were still in High School and my father was out of the picture. I never expected people to give me money but they did and it did help out a lot.

One woman gave me 4 $1 bills

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

When my coworker's husband committed suicide, I collected cash to help her pay for his funeral. I also gave her $100 to put towards the funeral or anything she wanted (like food for the kids, anything towards the mortgage, or just for her to take herself and the kids to a movie, etc)

 

[NMAmy]

I've never actually had anyone request anything. My coworkers get the same thing that I received when my dad died--a potted plant of some kind and a card.

Is it tacky? I don't know--it's unusual in my experience but if someone really needed the money, I could see giving them the envelope of cash and hoping it helped them in some way.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I think it's strange to give anything to a person in mourning other than a card, hugs or flowers.

Even in my own family, all we would get for our bereavement is some flowers that will die and a get together with food at the house after the funeral.
That's all we got for my mother's funeral.

And generally, I hate giving flowers that will just die for a funeral. Many times people will donate to the deceased's favorite charities instead. This is what I do.

A person asking for a painting because someone died is just odd to me and something I would never do or participate in.

I think it is tacky because it's like asking for a present because someone I know died.
Now, if someone wanted to voluntarily give money to help without being asked for it, that's OK.

 

[Philagoofy]

I think giving cash is good in most circumstances, especially if it's needed for funeral expenses or to help with everyday expenses. Otherwise I would donate the collected money to a charity, there's most likely one for what the cause of death was. I personally would not give if they were just going to give flowers. That, to me, is a waste, especially if a good amount is collected. It can be put to much better use than flowers.

 

[HelenePA]

Funerals are SO much money. I'm sure she could use it in a time like this.. a ham or flowers isn't going to help with the bills.. I hated getting flowers for funerals.. what's the point? they just die as well.

 

[Dolce27]

When my father died last year some people at work had contributed some money (not much - not that I expected any) that was given to me when I returned to work. I was quite shocked at this, grateful for their consideration and sympathy at my loss, but a bit shocked to be given money. I'd never heard of giving someone money for mourning before then but now I understand it's to help the family financially who just had to pay for a burial (which are quite expensive I unfortunately got to find out).

 

[mickeyboat]

I have never heard of giving cash for funerals. Flowers, food, cards, condolences and maybe a donation to charity in the deceased person's name are what I see around here.

Denae

 

[storzo]

Here at my job, we always collect cash for the bereaved. We buy a sympathy card and anyone who contributes signs it. If you don't want to contribute, no big deal.

 

[aprilgail2]

Here at my job, we always collect cash for the bereaved. We buy a sympathy card and anyone who contributes signs it. If you don't want to contribute, no big deal.

That is how we do it too. And when we go to wakes of a close friend or family member you bring the sympathy card with a check or cash in it and give it to them at the funeral. When my godson died he had so many visitors at hte funeral home that with that alone it paid for a big chunk of his funeral.

 

[Vivianne]

At my job the customary thing is to contribute for a donation to charity.

I've also contributed to help the family towards the funeral expenses.

However, a painting? That's truly an unusual request

 

[GoofieRuthie]

Thankfully I've never lost a close relative, but if I did, I would much prefer cash than millions of plants.

I recently went to the funeral of a friend. His family is very well known and loved in the community so it was a HUGE funeral. We had to stand in line outside for an hour just to get in to view him. When we got inside it looked like a forrest. In this case, I'm sure the family didn't need the money for funeral expenses. However, I couldn't help but think that the amount paid for all of those flowers, pictures, statues, baskets, etc. could have paid for the entire funeral. I see nothing tacky about giving the family cash or making a donation in the deceased ones name. What on earth do you do with all of those plants and flowers anyway???? I do not have a green thumb at all, so it would be a waste for me to take them home.

 

[NotUrsula]

Perhaps the "painting" was to be a portrait of the deceased. That would make perfect sense.

I think that cash for the funeral is more a working class custom, along with the "widows and orphans fund" that you see maintained by so many police and fire departments. In more affluent communities there is probably more of an assumption that life insurance proceeds will cover the funeral expenses. Working-class families tend to be fairly unlikely to have life insurance, especially if the deceased was not the breadwinner.

 

[RadioNate]

cash is pretty much the norm from what I've seen (other than flowers) and I've been to way too many funerals.

the painting is kinda strange though...is it some kind of memorial painting? the cash didn't seem weird, it was that it was for a painting not to help the family with funeral expenses or for the DIL's kids or something like that.

 

[Nancyg56]

My first husband died when I was 23. I had three children under the are of five, he had been sick for quite some time, but his death came as a surprise. I was the sole support of my family at the time of his death.

My coworkers collected money for me and people who gave cards included money. I did not ask for anything, I honestly had no idea that people would do that but I learned a valuable lesson from those kind people.

I very seldom send flowers to a funeral. I cook and bake if I know the expenses are covered. If I think funds may be short I cook, bake and give money. Even if the funeral is covered many times income is cut in half or is no longer there, insurances may take time to be released if there is any, and people still need to live. In my circumstances I had to stop working for a period of time, but I was one of the lucky ones. I had a friend who helped to expedite my husbands SS claim, I had that emergency fund from those kind people and I had a family. I know that many others are not so fortunate and I always try to help a little.

My DH employers always collect donations for their coworkers in the event of a death or illness in the immediate family.

 

[NC State]

I think it's strange to give anything to a person in mourning other than a card, hugs or flowers.

Even in my own family, all we would get for our bereavement is some flowers that will die and a get together with food at the house after the funeral.
That's all we got for my mother's funeral.

And generally, I hate giving flowers that will just die for a funeral. Many times people will donate to the deceased's favorite charities instead. This is what I do.

A person asking for a painting because someone died is just odd to me and something I would never do or participate in.

I think it is tacky because it's like asking for a present because someone I know died.
Now, if someone wanted to voluntarily give money to help without being asked for it, that's OK.

I agree with you.

 

[agentpleakley]

Perhaps the "painting" was to be a portrait of the deceased. That would make perfect sense.

I think that cash for the funeral is more a working class custom, along with the "widows and orphans fund" that you see maintained by so many police and fire departments. In more affluent communities there is probably more of an assumption that life insurance proceeds will cover the funeral expenses. Working-class families tend to be fairly unlikely to have life insurance, especially if the deceased was not the breadwinner.

The painting she requested and got when her DIL died was for the dining room of her new house. It was in no way a memorial for the DIL -- she picked the print and the frame out at a store with her friend who was in charge with the building gift giving (who was a secretary sleeping with the boss -- the secretary has since married the boss).

I think what may be irking me is that she is requesting a specific gift. I think it is in poor taste to request/expect a gift at all. I do need to add this = although she is the building's cleaning lady (person - or whatever the new pc term is) she is better off than 3/4 of the building -- she only works because she wants the insurance -- this is not a need based request. Next, by her own accord, she has stated that she had not talked to her mother for over 30 years and only visited her when another sibling told her the mother was in the hospital.

I will add this friend (and fellow coworker's) father died in June. The building also gave her a plant. It was well known that her father had no insurance and was living on gov't assistance. Her friends (me included) helped her as best we could with the expenses...she did not request/expect the building to give her a cash envelope.