What happens when you realize a loved one is not a nice person?

[eliza61]

My general answer when I get those "WWYD" questions about inlaws, parents & siblings is that you can't govern "morality". People have to have the freedom to do what they are going to do and all we can do is control our reactions to it. I have an older brother who has always been self centered and selfish but pretty much we've let it slide.

I may have to eat my words...

My dad died in May and fortunately he left a will with every thing specifically spelled out. The estate was pretty much closed last month and every one got their small inheritence (~22K).

My older brother just phoned me and asked could he squat at my house for a few weeks because he has decided to leave his wife of 19years.

He claims that dads death has made him realize how short life is and he doesn't want to spend any more time on a loveless relationship. He has 2 beautiful kids that are preteens. not sure what or if he told them.

Few things make me so made about this.

1) using my dads memory. My pop worked 3 jobs and was a fabulous father, neighbor and citizen. He would have never ever walked in the door and announced he was leaving his family.

2) He just celebrated his wedding anniversary last June, made a big speech about how SIL straighten him out and was the best thing that happen to him.

I simply don't know what to say, I am so mad at this man. This is just a gut reaction as I haven't had time to talk with him. he just phoned me 1 hour ago and I was on my cell phone, driving so not a good time/

 

[NY Disney fan]

See if there is a 3rd party involved that is influencing him. If your brother has a girlfriend on the side, he may not be thinking clearly. As his sister I would try to do what I can to help. It may not be easy though. Maybe this is just a phase and he'll get over it. I hope things work out for the best.

 

[Deb in IA]

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

First of all, I would NOT let your brother "squat" at your house. Doing so makes it look like you are approving of his actions. And squating sounds scary - how long is he going to stay there? He got $22k - he can afford a room in a motel.

Secondly, I would not hold back and let me know just how you feel. You should tell him how shameful it is that he is using your dad's death to justify his own selfishness. And how hypocritial his comments at his speech just 2 months ago are.

Good luck to you . . . yes, sadly, we cannot choose our relatives.

 

[fabmic]

My general answer when I get those "WWYD" questions about inlaws, parents & siblings is that you can't govern "morality". People have to have the freedom to do what they are going to do and all we can do is control our reactions to it. I have an older brother who has always been self centered and selfish but pretty much we've let it slide.

I may have to eat my words...

My dad died in May and fortunately he left a will with every thing specifically spelled out. The estate was pretty much closed last month and every one got their small inheritence (~22K).

My older brother just phoned me and asked could he squat at my house for a few weeks because he has decided to leave his wife of 19years.

He claims that dads death has made him realize how short life is and he doesn't want to spend any more time on a loveless relationship. He has 2 beautiful kids that are preteens. not sure what or if he told them.

Few things make me so made about this.

1) using my dads memory. My pop worked 3 jobs and was a fabulous father, neighbor and citizen. He would have never ever walked in the door and announced he was leaving his family.

2) He just celebrated his wedding anniversary last June, made a big speech about how SIL straighten him out and was the best thing that happen to him.

I simply don't know what to say, I am so mad at this man. This is just a gut reaction as I haven't had time to talk with him. he just phoned me 1 hour ago and I was on my cell phone, driving so not a good time/

Honestly there is not much you can do. A death of a close person can make people evaluate their lives and admit what they have been keeping bottled up.

I would not offer your home to him if you feel what he is doing is not right. It is not your job to make his life easier by supplying free housing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What happens is that you have to make a decision that you can live with. That is really what is boils down to. Stay out of it. Ring up your SIL and your nieces and give comfort instead of going off on the brother. Change the focus of your anger.

If you are too mad to have him "squat" at your house, be honest. Tell him that you do not think it is a good idea right now. Sounds like he has the money to rent his own place.

If indeed he thinks his marriage is "loveless" your SIL will be better off in the end. It is torture to live with a self absorbed husband.

I should know, my father is that type of man. My mother is still married to him. He makes her life miserable.

 

[sbell111]

Seems that if a woman posted to these boards that the death of her mom convinced her that life was too short to stay in a loveless marriage that most all Disers would support her.

 

[JessicaR]

How old is your brother? How long have they been together? It sounds like he is making hasty decisions based on short term circumstances.

 

[grumpeeduck]

If he is wanting to abandon his family, it sounds like he is wanting you to take him in and make life easy!!!! I say, if you are going to leave your family, then you need a BIG DOSE of "on your own"!

 

[eliza61]

How old is your brother? How long have they been together? It sounds like he is making hasty decisions based on short term circumstances.

He turned 55 a few days ago, I'm 51 and we have 2 other siblings 49 and 47. I spoke with my little brother immediately after and he said he was not surprised that B is simply walking out, evidently he pulled a stunt on his oldest daughter (from 1st marriage) with her college tuition, that left her high and dry.

This is his 2nd marriage and he's been married 16 years but they've been together about 18 years.

I haven't talk to him fully because, when he dropped this little bomb I was in the car. I haven't called him back because I want to talk with my dh first. He lives in Arlington VA so I don't think he means to squat for long since he works for the Post Office and will eventually have to return to work.

I haven't spoken to my sil. I'm honestly scared to call her, what the heck do I say?

 

[johnsontrio]

Anyway you could try and have a sit down with him and find out what's going on? Maybe he's justified with wanting to bail or maybe he's not. Could he have been holding all this in for a long time? Hear him out and try to give him some counsel. Even if he doesn't want to put anymore time of effort into the wife, maybe you can help him see that he needs to consider the children and handle things in the best manner he can as far as they are concerned. I wouldn't feel obligated to let him stay at your house as that might jeopardize your relationship with your SIL and the kids. I would certainly need more information if that were my sibling.

I have a close family member that is like a sister and best friend all rolled into one. Her DAH (you can guess what the A is for ) left her for his co-leader in boy scouts. It sucks, but she will be so much better off without him once this is all said and done. Maybe that is the case for your DSIL too.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you don't want him at your house, just say no. A simple "I don;t want to get in the middleof your marital issues and I really don't agree with what you're doing" should suffice. He's a big boy...he can figure out a place to stay.

And no, sbell, I wouldn't be supporting a woman doing this. I would tell her that she needs to work on her marriage and not just "decide" to leave. And if she had been working on her marriage, to no avail, then she needed a better plan for leaving than "squatting" at my house. This is a 50 year old man...he ought to be taking care of himself nd his own problems.

 

[bettymae1121]

I'd at least talk to your brother first. There could have been problems in the marriage that you were unaware of. He could have valid reasons for wanting out. Even if his wife didn't do anything wrong, if he truely just doesn't love her anymore and wants to move on, he'll just make them both misserable by staying.

If what you fear is true (he's just walking away for no good reason) then I can undestand your reaction. But I'd at least try to get more info before judging him too harshly.

As for him staying with you, even if you do come to understand his reasons for leaving his wife, you still may not want him to come live with you. One or two nights while he finds a long term solution is one thing, moving in with no definate end date is something else.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He turned 55 a few days ago, I'm 51 and we have 2 other siblings 49 and 47. I spoke with my little brother immediately after and he said he was not surprised that B is simply walking out, evidently he pulled a stunt on his oldest daughter (from 1st marriage) with her college tuition, that left her high and dry.

This is his 2nd marriage and he's been married 16 years but they've been together about 18 years.

I haven't talk to him fully because, when he dropped this little bomb I was in the car. I haven't called him back because I want to talk with my dh first. He lives in Arlington VA so I don't think he means to squat for long since he works for the Post Office and will eventually have to return to work.

I haven't spoken to my sil. I'm honestly scared to call her, what the heck do I say?

You call her up and say I am so sorry, what the heck is going on. You may find that they came to this decision mutually.

So before you go crazy with judgement, I would get her side of the story as well as your brother's.

 

[Mermaid02]

You call her up and say I am so sorry, what the heck is going on. You may find that they came to this decision mutually.

So before you go crazy with judgement, I would get her side of the story as well as your brother's.

I agree with this.

I wouldn't let him stay at my house though- a week turns into a month turns into 3 months etc etc. He's a grown up and can figure it out on his own.

 

[bumbershoot]

A death of a close person can make people evaluate their lives and admit what they have been keeping bottled up.

Absolutely.


To me, it's not using your father's memory, it's something that has changed in your brother's brain due to the loss of his dad. It has nothing to do with what your dad would have done, and I doubt if your brother is saying that it is.

And really only they know what has been going on. Regardless of what he said at the anniversary even she might know what's been going on. (and maybe not) IF the love has been gone for a long time, and if he can't figure a way to get it back (there was a time that DH, then my fiance, thought that, but then he went into individual counseling and realized that the person he had no love for was *himself*...had a few months of intense counseling and ended up liking himself and realizing there was still love for me as well...so sometimes it's just all inside your own head), this might be the best thing to do.

I certainly know it's cruddy to live as a child inside a cruddy marriage. My mom and first stepdad had serious problems that they hid...I was very naive and believed the game they played, and so as an adult kept trying to find the *feeling* that I'd grown up with. Turns out that that feeling isn't very healthy at all. Some kids can see through it, and KNOW there are serious problems...others, like me, believe the grownups but are messed up because of the lies of omission...

And the kids might be so aware of the problems that they WANT the marriage to end. That's the situation of my half siblings. My dad and stepmom have been married 30 years and they should have ended their relationship *at least* 15 years ago. Well, let's say 14, because that allows for my half-sister to have been created by them. But shortly after she was born they should have ended their relationship. Neither of them are healthy or happy, and I have NO idea why they stay together...we've actually asked both of them (separately) and they mumble something about finances and complications...those don't seem to be good reasons to be together. As it is, I have two grown half-brothers still living at home, staying there in limbo, just to protect their mother and sister...when they should have been out making livings and lives for themselves...it's awful, but they feel stuck because my dad and stepmom feel stuck.



If you don't want to offer him a place to stay, don't. I let my best friend stay with us after her husband left her (he had a "I can't do this" crisis after her long-term health problems flared quite dramatically, and it changed his whole way of thinking, and a year later she found out that he was cheating and she left the home while they tried to work things through), but I wouldn't have let her husband stay with us.


But I really wouldn't beat him up for having this revelation after your family-man father's death...the death of a parent is an extremely powerful thing, and when things are tipsy turvy in your life, sometimes you can be tipped in a way that's mystifying to those outside your brain.


I'm sorry for your loss. My mom died over 10 years ago, it still rocks my world...

 

[DVCisME]

Do you know if your brother told your sil yet? If you don't know for sure, I would not call. He might be planning to tell here, but wanted to see if he has a place to go first.

 

[Christine]

I don't have any advice for you but, despite your brother's history of selfishness, your dad's death could be doing some weird number on him.

A friend of mine's father died when the friend was about 48. It was a "normal" death if there can be such a thing but it flipped my friend out so bad that he walked out of his job, his wife, and two young children. He took the dog and went to the mountains for a little "walkabout" and stayed away for two months. He basically had a breakdown.

He came back, got his job and family back, started seeing a psychiatrist, and all has been well for 10 years (sort of...). No one would have expected it and it is just odd how a death of a parent can affect people.

 

[Nancyg56]

What happens is that you have to make a decision that you can live with. That is really what is boils down to. Stay out of it. Ring up your SIL and your nieces and give comfort instead of going off on the brother. Change the focus of your anger.

If you are too mad to have him "squat" at your house, be honest. Tell him that you do not think it is a good idea right now. Sounds like he has the money to rent his own place.

If indeed he thinks his marriage is "loveless" your SIL will be better off in the end. It is torture to live with a self absorbed husband.

Good advice!
I think that you cannot possibly know what is happening inside of his marriage. I am not condoning the behavior but I am not sure that perhaps he and his wife are not happy and your dad's passing may have mde him evaluate his life. Or he has a girlfriend on the side. Who knows. Either way, I feel badly badly for his wife.

I think that I would talk to him but tell him that he needs to find his own place to "squat" because you are not inclined to participate in his divorce.

 

[ols386]

You call her up and say I am so sorry, what the heck is going on. You may find that they came to this decision mutually.

So before you go crazy with judgement, I would get her side of the story as well as your brother's.

I agree. You may not know the whole story yet.

If it were me, I wouldn't have a problem with him living in my house 'temporarily', but I probably wouldn't want long-term. But you said that he works at the post office, so it doesn't sound like he plans to stay at your house very long.

 

[jobhunter]

If he is wanting to abandon his family, it sounds like he is wanting you to take him in and make life easy!!!! I say, if you are going to leave your family, then you need a BIG DOSE of "on your own"!

Well said.

I would be very surprised if there isn't a 3rd party involved on your B's side, sorry to say. But I WOULD be very surprised if he admits it. What you said he said just sounds an awful lot like words from the adulterer's 'handbook.'

My grandmother always used to say, "A man does not leave his wife and home unless he has someone waiting in the wings." It's a generalization, I know. I will say, though, that I've yet to see it be wrong.

Hope I'm off-base though.