What happens when a person dies

[hereyago]

My dad made me in charge of everything, durable POA, etc.
He made arrangements to donate his body to science.

His crappy sisters had a fit as it was against the family belief.

He had lung cancer and didn't live long after diagnosis.

His sisters tried talking him out of his plan.
That didn't work so they tried to get me to talk to him no o wasn't going to do it.
They then suggest that when he passed for me to go against his wishes and they would pay for a funeral in his home state.
Yea I told them at that moment I knew why he made me in charge, because I would do as he wished.

People don't think about what if someone they entrusted didn't fulfill their last wish.

 

[wenrob]

You know, I appreciated photos of various groupings of attendees and use them to send them various messages to thank each person for coming.

We also videotaped the funeral service. I just get creeped out by photos/videos of the deceased and always have.

See I consider that in the normal realm of things. I took a photo of my dad’s grandkids all together but not with his ashes. I do regret not having a camera at the get together after my great uncle’s (4+hour! ) funeral. It was the only time my great grandmother held my DD.

 

[BadPinkTink]

taking photos at the family get together after the service / burial is fine, often its the only time that various branches / generations of the family meet.

However I cant get my head around taking photos of the deceased in the coffin, taking photos during the service or taking photos at the burial. That just seems very insensitive and morbid.

 

[kimblebee]

Whew, I was imagining something much more viscerally shocking than what you've described - like maybe being chopped up into little pieces and burned on an alter to Zeus or something.

In the case you're mentioning, gotta be honest, I'd prevail with whatever the living needed to do to be able to peacefully let go. Maybe not full-on pomp-and-circumstance, but at least organizing the loved ones to gather for the final disposition if they want to and then spend time together in some way that feels "memorial". Why anyone would want to prohibit their friends and family from doing so is a mystery and frankly seems a little self-centred and mean-spirited.

FWIW - here there would be no funeral home that would carry out those plans without the consent of the next of kin. Even if everything was 100% pre-paid, somebody would actually have to notify them of the death and at that point any modifications to the plans could be made. "Final wishes", when they are made known, are not legally binding unless they have been tied as conditions to a will - for example "Bad Pink Tink will only inherit my estate upon the execution of these specific tasks...".

May I ask, if they felt very strongly about wanting something else, even felt like they "needed" it to ease their grief and shock, would you really mind so much?

Would you really go against someone’s final wishes? That seems so disrespectful, like they didn’t know what was best for them. I get that you need to grieve in your own way, but not against the deceased. At least, that’s my thoughts.


For me, I don’t want any pomp and circumstance. I want a very simple burial with no long winded ceremony at all. No dirges being sung, no close up photos of me smiling. Nada. All I expect is for my daughter to fling herself on my cheap casket (joke, of course).

I like what Keanu Reeves said when asked what he thinks happens after you die.

‘I know that the ones who love us, will miss us’.

 

[Meriweather]

I would respect their wishes and would hope that when the time comes, people will respect mine.

DBiL passed away yesterday. Cremation and then some time a memorial service.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

When I die and my soul gone, what is left is an empty husk. Those left behind may dispose of it as they see fit.

 

[TartanFan]

I have no religious or philosophical customs to conform to other than societal norms (ie they can't just put me in a bin bag and throw me in the dump!) so whatever those left behind want to do to grieve/cope/celebrate is entirely up to them. The only stipulation is that at some point they play "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" and everyone whistles

 

[wenrob]

Would you really go against someone’s final wishes? That seems so disrespectful, like they didn’t know what was best for them. I get that you need to grieve in your own way, but not against the deceased. At least, that’s my thoughts.

(I’m only quoting your post because it happens to be the last one saying what several have already said.)

This is going to sound maybe a little blunt but the deceased are dead. They’re not going to know if you followed their wishes or not. That’s not to say they shouldn’t be followed if they’re reasonable and can be accommodated. But some wishes can be ridiculous. (Dictating your family not get together in your honor falls under ridiculous IMO.) I think if they’re in that category people should be allowed to ignore them without guilt.

My dad was sick for a very long time and because he was so sick people had a hard time saying no to him when he would ask for promises. I was the only one who would not make any promises. To me it’s emotional blackmail. Aside from my DH & Kids he was the person I loved most in this world but I could not make myself promise something I might not be able to follow through with. I think if people do the best they can and aren’t purposely disrespectful that should be enough.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

With what's being asked I would honor their wishes.

I also don't know that I see this as a mental health risk unless we're talking about the woman (who isn't the only one of course) who had her dog put down to be laid to rest with her...that would emotionally mess me up not going to lie and I'm not certain that is a request I could comply with. But that's no where near what's being asked.

Would I know what actually happens of course not I'm dead. I think most people get that and are just hoping what they've expressed they want happen actually happens. That doesn't mean like I mentioned above that some things may just be too over the line to comply with.

 

[MIGrandma]

I gave my Mom the funeral she requested, even though I hated every minute of it. I really have never understood the need to have a long drawn out visitation/funeral service/dinner after someone passes away. Thankfully it seems like more and more people are getting away from that. When my Dad passed away in 2008 Mom had 3 full days of visitation and then a funeral and dinner following. I was there with her for all of it. She kept prodding me to go up to see my Dad in the casket and I kept finding reasons not to. She finally insisted and to this day I wish I would have stuck to my guns and firmly said no. That is the last memory I have of my Dad, and I did not want it to be. I wanted to remember him alive and smiling. Of course I still do remember that, but that last vision of him in the casket is one I will never forget even though I wish I could. I did not need to see him that way for "closure."

My parents had pre-paid for their funerals several years before my Dad got bad with dementia, so when she passed away (2 years ago next month) I followed through with what she wanted. It was the last thing I could do for her, so I did it even though I hated it. The visitation and talking with people she hadn't seen in years. I don't understand people that come to someone's visitation or funeral service if they didn't see them often, or ever, before they passed away. Go visit them while they are alive, not after they're dead! I upgraded her casket, and we had some beautiful floral arrangements in red (her favorite color). I went through photographs so the funeral home could make a DVD, they normally play them at the person's funeral but I did say no to that. Mom had said no to them playing Dad's at his funeral so I knew she would be okay with that. To this day I still haven't watched it. I know I will someday. Just not ready yet. The only thing I didn't do was have a public dinner after her funeral, like she had for Dad. I truly thought some of the people that came to his funeral only came for the free meal. And since she wasn't adamant about having a dinner after her funeral I didn't have that. We actually had a private burial at the cemetery. I asked the funeral director about doing that and he said it would be easy to arrange. So it was just immediate family at the cemetery along with my uncle (Mom's brother) and his family. We asked them to come to our house for dinner after the funeral and they did come and we had a wonderful afternoon of visiting and reminiscing and looking through photo albums. That was the best part. Spending time with them all. I know Mom would have approved of that.

My husband and I are in our 60's now so we have discussed what we want after we die. We bought our cemetery plot shortly after we got married ($100 for a 5-grave plot in the cemetery out here in the country where a lot of DH's relatives are buried). DH doesn't have any real wishes, nor do I. I agree with those who say a funeral is not for the dead, it's for the living. And to me, it should be for the living to decide what THEY want.

If DH passes before I do he will be cremated. There will be no funeral home visitation and no funeral/memorial service. There will be a short graveside service for just the immediate family, and part of his ashes will be buried in the cemetery and part will go into an urn that I can have in the house. I have no idea what he would do with me if I die before he does, maybe the same thing or maybe a funeral or memorial. I really don't care. It's not for me, it's for my family to do what they are comfortable with.

I do believe though, that if someone has wishes for after they pass away, it honors them if those wishes are followed.

 

[HopperFan]

Photography at a funeral is honestly something I've only ever heard of here on the DIS, and that includes having worked in funeral service for a year, where I never once saw it happen. It's just not done here and maybe that's a regional thing?

Never heard of it either. When going through family tree books at DH family farm in midwest, I saw all these coffin pictures and was shocked. I asked about it and they said it was common.

Now when in-laws passed there was family who could not attend. I took a few photos of the military part of the service, a few at church, leaving and a dove release for MIL ... so I could send to those who missed and they were appreciated. But NO photos of the deceased. Not really a memory I want.

 

[ronandannette]

Would you really go against someone’s final wishes? That seems so disrespectful, like they didn’t know what was best for them. I get that you need to grieve in your own way, but not against the deceased. At least, that’s my thoughts.


For me, I don’t want any pomp and circumstance. I want a very simple burial with no long winded ceremony at all. No dirges being sung, no close up photos of me smiling. Nada. All I expect is for my daughter to fling herself on my cheap casket (joke, of course).

I like what Keanu Reeves said when asked what he thinks happens after you die.

‘I know that the ones who love us, will miss us’.

Let's look at it the other way for a minute - if a person's "wishes" are that the entire family gather from far and wide, hold a series of events over several days including formal visitations, a lengthy service, graveside service and reception, with an expensive casket, a choir (to sing the dirges ), lots of flowers and so on...

Is the family morally obligated to provide that? Would it be disrespectful not to? How about people who "don't do funerals" because they feel like they can't cope emotionally? They're choosing to do what's best for themselves. Disrespectful?

 

[Sabeking]

I would respect whatever their wishes were and do that. However; I’m not gonna lie, it would be a little tough if they wanted what I saw a few years back in the news. Two different stories about the bodies being preserved somehow and dressed on show with them doing their favorite hobby. One was a lady who was a socialite in a party scene with a cocktail. They had ropes around the scene where you could view her. The other was a young guy playing cards gambling in a casino theme. I wonder what that cost?!

 

[disykat]

I would combine the two and try to follow their wishes while also allowing people to mourn. If they have asked for no visitation,, I'd honor that - letting only spouse, siblings, and children view the body privately if needed. I think respecting their wishes for their body is the most important. If family wants to gather later, do it without their body present.


Public viewings just aren't something I'm familiar with. I thought that was something from the past until I came on the DIS. The idea of anyone but my nearest and dearest seeing my body after I'm dead makes me cringe. I went to one open casket funeral as a little girl. I've only been to two other funerals where the casket was present. Most that I've been to are private burials followed by public memorials.

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

My mother always used to say “When I’m gone, I’ll be gone, so it won’t matter what you do with my body.”

That being said, she was incredibly thrifty/cheap and would have been horrified by how much we spent at her funeral. But getting a nice casket and doing a traditional funeral and burial brought my grandmother (her mother) a lot of peace. It felt a little wrong to be ignoring my mother’s “wishes” - she had verbally indicated that she expected us to cremate her since it’s cheaper- but in the end, we honored her view that “when I’m gone I’ll be gone” and we did what brought the most comfort to the living.

If your family wants to get together to grieve and support each other, I would do it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When I’m gone, I’ll be gone, so it won’t matter what you do with my body.”

she had verbally indicated that she expected us to cremate her

These two things are in conflict with each other...

 

[hereyago]

I would respect whatever their wishes were and do that. However; I’m not gonna lie, it would be a little tough if they wanted what I saw a few years back in the news. Two different stories about the bodies being preserved somehow and dressed on show with them doing their favorite hobby. One was a lady who was a socialite in a party scene with a cocktail. They had ropes around the scene where you could view her. The other was a young guy playing cards gambling in a casino theme. I wonder what that cost?!

I recall a couple years ago a young man getting shot and killed and he was propped up playing a video game.

Now if your loved one has told you I want this and this done and you don't agree you can tell that person to find someone who carry out their wishes.


And there is no way I would pay oop for someone's wishes, they better have had life insurance etc.

 

[Skippy918]

I don’t recall if my FIL ever made his wishes known when he died but he died suddenly and was cremated but there was no memorial or service or anything. I feel like dh didn’t get closure from his passing because of this. For me, the wake and service helps with closure and at least helped me process the deaths of my grandparents. It’s that extra chance to say goodbye.

 

[Hrhpd]

Let's look at it the other way for a minute - if a person's "wishes" are that the entire family gather from far and wide, hold a series of events over several days including formal visitations, a lengthy service, graveside service and reception, with an expensive casket, a choir (to sing the dirges ), lots of flowers and so on...

Is the family morally obligated to provide that? Would it be disrespectful not to? How about people who "don't do funerals" because they feel like they can't cope emotionally? They're choosing to do what's best for themselves. Disrespectful?

Apples to oranges.

Deciding to attend a funeral has nothing to do with the funeral itself and how it is put together.

Hopefully the family follows the deceased's wishes. Relatives and friends can then decide on their own whether they will attend the funeral the deceased wished for.

Of course, if the deceased wished for an expensive funeral, they should make sure they leave enough funds. If there are not enough funds, the family should get as close as possible.

If someone wants to do something to assuage their own grief, fine, but do it on their own. As for me, don't involve my body. I can't stop anyone from having their own service or get together, but I can make sure my body is not involved. I am really liking the idea of donating my body to science. Since our whole family are scientists, I think my immediate family would be on board. I can do a last bit of good. Need to go explore that avenue further.

 

[kimblebee]

Let's look at it the other way for a minute - if a person's "wishes" are that the entire family gather from far and wide, hold a series of events over several days including formal visitations, a lengthy service, graveside service and reception, with an expensive casket, a choir (to sing the dirges ), lots of flowers and so on...

Is the family morally obligated to provide that? Would it be disrespectful not to? How about people who "don't do funerals" because they feel like they can't cope emotionally? They're choosing to do what's best for themselves. Disrespectful?

As long as the deceased has provided funds for the grand send off, sure, follow those wishes too.

I think this whole thread is just a big reason to talk to people about your wishes and let them be known beforehand. If death was sudden, or heaven forbid a young person, I guess everyone just has to find a way to muddle through the best they can.