What do you think of this situation? My mom is extremely hurt. (Family)

[chisnpeke]

My mom's sister in law (brother's wife) has always made my mom feel excluded. They have always been different and come from different backgrounds and different tastes. Like we have always had pets and they never did until about 8 years ago. For example one time my cousin was over at our house and got a headache. When they left my aunt said "xxxx got a headache and he won't be coming back to your house." The year my grandma died my grandpa was going to be coming to our house on Christmas morning and my mom called my uncle to wish Merry Christmas and inquire if my grandpa was still there (he was running late) and when she called my aunt answered and just made a moaning sound like she was annoyed that my mom was interrupting their Christmas. There are many other instances that I won't get into.

Anyway, their oldest daughter recently had a baby. They called my mom's sister right away about the baby. They never called my mom and my mom's sister had to tell us about the baby being born. My mom called her brother that same day to congratulate them and ask about the baby. My cousin lives in Illionois but are moving to another state soon so my cousin is going to be visiting her family here and they said they would call when she got here so we could go see the baby.

Today is my mom's birthday and her brother and his wife have never been the type to call and wish happy birthday or Merry Christmas but my mom's sister did and asked my mom if she wanted to go to lunch. My mom called her back and said she would and my aunt said that her sister in law (woman I'm talking about) was at her house showing her baby pictures. My mom is now extremely hurt and crying because her sister in law does this often, always says "show the pictures to xxx" (mom's sister) and never my mom. It's basically like her brother and sister in law favor my mom's older sister.

Sorry this is so long and drawn out and I really hate bringing family drama on here and talking about it but I'm really just looking to see what everyone thinks because I hate seeing my mom so hurt and feeling left out.

Thanks.

 

[Pumbaa_]

I think your mother needs to accept this is how it is. This has been going on for decades from what I gather

She either needs tohave the discussion with them or accept it is what it is and move on. Having hurt feelings and being the victim time and again is not going to solve anything

I get it, she wants to be more included but for whatever reason, it is not happening. Time to accept and move on!

 

[Christine]

It sounds like, for whatever reason, the SIL just doesn't care for her. I'm not sure how you can change a person's feelings unless your mother did something to her which she can correct.

How is the brother (your uncle in all this). Does he communicate with your mom? Are there estranged feelings on his part? Could your mom quite possibly talk to her brother to get any insight on what the problem could be?

 

[mumom95]

It stinks that your mother is hurt. But, in life, some people just get along with some people better than others. Sounds like your aunt and uncle aren't as close to your mom as they are to other family members. It may have nothing to do with anything your mom did, it may mean that your aunt is just a witch. But it is what it is, and unfortunately in life, you can't force other people to like you.

I would just encourage your mom to not let it bother her (easier said than done I know). There probably isn't anything she can do about it, so just accept it and move on. And honestly, if your mother has never been anything but nice to your aunt and your aunt still treats her like this, your mom is probably better off without the close relationship.

It really stinks in life when there is something we want (like a relationship with another person) but is out of our control.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Easy.....

There are never in-law problems... Just problems with one's own spouse - brother/sister - son/daughter, etc....

While your aunt might indeed be acting this way... One simply can't tell from a single, admittedly one-sided post. Most of the time - it takes two.

I suspect that there is more to the story.
I also would advise your mother that if she has problems, then they are with her own brother, and they should be addressed with him.

Also, if her own sister seems to be closer to this SIL than she is with your mother, again, this is an issue with your mothers sister... Not the SIL.

Sobbing to everybody else and making the in-law out to be a huge monster is not the answer to the situation.

PS: I know that many families are 'closer' than mine... But, honestly, I can't imagine having any 'expectations' of a brother-in-law or sister-in-law. I think that this may be one underlying cause of these issues??????

Hugs to your mother.

 

[chisnpeke]

It sounds like, for whatever reason, the SIL just doesn't care for her. I'm not sure how you can change a person's feelings unless your mother did something to her which she can correct.

How is the brother (your uncle in all this). Does he communicate with your mom? Are there estranged feelings on his part? Could your mom quite possibly talk to her brother to get any insight on what the problem could be?

I don't believe there are any estranged feelings on his part. Her and her brother are not nearly as close are my mom and her sister. Their relationship has gotten more distant over the years because frankly they are just different people with different interests but my aunt is much different than them as well, so I think it is she just doesn't like my mom. They go on vacations with my father (my parents are divorced) and my father I believe has played a part in drawing them away by playing the victim (he has called all of my family crying about things) and that we are terrible and my mom was keeping us away from him (not true at all, my dad has bipolar and it's a long complicated story). My uncle views my dad as a brother that he never had. I don't think my mom would get anything from him and he would get defensive so she just keeps quiet. The one time my mom did stand up to my uncle he started yelling on Christmas and it made things very dramatic so it's best to not have that happen.

It stinks that your mother is hurt. But, in life, some people just get along with some people better than others. Sounds like your aunt and uncle aren't as close to your mom as they are to other family members. It may have nothing to do with anything your mom did, it may mean that your aunt is just a witch. But it is what it is, and unfortunately in life, you can't force other people to like you.

I would just encourage your mom to not let it bother her (easier said than done I know). There probably isn't anything she can do about it, so just accept it and move on. And honestly, if your mother has never been anything but nice to your aunt and your aunt still treats her like this, your mom is probably better off without the close relationship.

It really stinks in life when there is something we want (like a relationship with another person) but is out of our control.

I've been telling her to not let it bother her for a long time. And for the most part I don't think she does. There are sometimes though that she really gets hurt, like today. I think it just especially hurts her because we don't have a large family anyway and both her parents are dead and she wants to keep whatever relationships she has good.

I know she needs to move on and accept that my aunt is always going to be this way but it IS easier said than done, you are right. I'm just trying to see what other people have to say.

 

[wdwfan16]

You mother cannot change how others behave but she can change how she reacts to the situation. Your mother knows how they are and needs to let it roll off her back.

 

[mumom95]

There are never in-law problems... Just problems with one's own spouse - brother/sister - son/daughter, etc....

.

I've seen you post this many times, and honestly, I have to say it's crap.

People develop relationships with other people, even when they aren't blood related. And in most relationships, there are problems. So it is quite possible to have a problem with and in-law that has nothing to do with your spouse or one of your blood relatives. I have become friends with my sister in law, and we've also had our fair share of issues that had absolutely nothing to do with my husband or his brother (her husband).

Most people don't have in-law expectations, they just have general expectations of people.

 

[chisnpeke]

Easy.....

There are never in-law problems... Just problems with one's own spouse - brother/sister - son/daughter, etc....

While your aunt might indeed be acting this way... One simply can't tell from a single, admittedly one-sided post. Most of the time - it takes two.

I suspect that there is more to the story.
I also would advise your mother that if she has problems, then they are with her own brother, and they should be addressed with him.

Also, if her own sister seems to be closer to this SIL than she is with your mother, again, this is an issue with your mothers sister... Not the SIL.

Sobbing to everybody else and making the in-law out to be a huge monster is not the answer to the situation.

PS: I know that many families are 'closer' than mine... But, honestly, I can't imagine having any 'expectations' of a brother-in-law or sister-in-law. I think that this may be one underlying cause of these issues??????

Hugs to your mother.

I think you are right. My mom's sister in law is NOT a bad person. She is a good woman but can be insenstive and I don't know if she even realizes she is doing this. I just think based on how she was raised and her upbringing that she has expectations that people should be a certain way. That's all I can guess.

I don't want to make her out to be a monster. I'm sorry if I made her out to be. She is a good person but has seemed to always want to exclude my mother and even though my mom needs to get over it, it's hard sometimes.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I also would advise your mother that if she has problems, then they are with her own brother, and they should be addressed with him...

Agreed - in the end, this is almost certainly the result of a relationship problem with her brother. Either that or her brother is going along with his wife to keep peace in his own home. Either way, the relationship that the OP's mother wants does not exist. She needs to accept it and enjoy those who do enjoy her company. We can't make other people like us...

 

[cheermom1]

I've seen you post this many times, and honestly, I have to say it's crap.

People develop relationships with other people, even when they aren't blood related. And in most relationships, there are problems. So it is quite possible to have a problem with and in-law that has nothing to do with your spouse or one of your blood relatives. I have become friends with my sister in law, and we've also had our fair share of issues that had absolutely nothing to do with my husband or his brother (her husband).

Most people don't have in-law expectations, they just have general expectations of people.

I agree with you as I am very close to one of my sil's and if I have a problem with something I just call her and talk to her..also I had a problem with my bil and I went to him I didn't go to my sis and we got it worked out...

op I understand how your mom feels, been there done that with my mom, anyway I would suggest talking to her brother first and just get it out in the open..say something like hey just wondering why I wasn't called as well when your dd had her baby, next time it would be nice to get a call too ok. something like that b/c they may not realize it till it is pointed out and do it very nicely ya know...

 

[chisnpeke]

Actually, thanks to this thread it has made me think of a reason that my mom's sister in law might be acting this way. It's just a guess though.

My mom said her sister in law wasn't like this until she had her own kids, which was 5 years after her brother had his first. I was VERY close to my grandma growing up. I was very attached to her and when I was young (before school age) there were times I would want to stay over there for 5 days at a time and my grandma let me. The normal day I would stay at my grandma's was on Fridays and the rest of the days I would go to a babysitter.

I think *maybe* my mom's sister in law was jealous of this relationship? My mom and brother and I went to WDW with my grandparents, for example. But my grandparents also took my cousins separately on vacations with just them so it wasn't really an unfair thing. My grandma took SIL son on a weekend trip to a state park and was going to take my brother and I with her on the next, she wanted to take all the grandkids. Well my mom's SIL (according to my grandma at the time) pushed her into taking my cousin along because it wasn't "fair" when in reality it was because my cousin would have gotten her turn. I didn't mind though because my cousin and I were best friends growing up. My grandparents also were concerned about us because of my parents' divorce and my dad's instability as a parent so it may have appeared for a time that we were being favored.

This is just a guess though and I'm really just thinking out loud about what may have triggered all of this.

 

[luvsJack]

It is very possible to have "in law" problems and the problems not to be with one's own spouse, brother/sister, etc. Anyone saying anything else doesn't have a clue what they are talking about. It is entirely possible for two people to not like each other (or one not to like the other) without it having anything to do with either of their spouses, parents, children or anyone else in the family. And sometimes hurt feelings over something (even if the something turns out to be a complete misunderstanding) can cause these types of issues--and again IS something between two in-laws.

OP, your mom needs to confront her sil and find out what the problem is. Not in a "confrontational" way, but in a "we are family and can't we meet half way" kind of way. KWIM? I learned the lesson of finding out what the issue is from my own son. Life is too short to be hurt by someone when you don't know why. Asking why she has acted this way isn't going to make it worse and it may just help.

 

[ZachnElli]

I'm in the same shoes as your mom. My husband's sister treats me like that and is really great to my other sister in law, her other brother's wife. She is just downright mean to me and my kids sometimes. But it really is a reflection of how she treats her brothers too. She acts like my brother in law (her brother) walks on water and my dh (also her brother) just can't do anything right in her eyes. So her feelings for my dh have just passed on to me and the kids. It's annoying and sometimes hurtful and I've taken it most of the time. But when it comes to my kids, I'll call her on it. Your mom is just going to have to accept it. My sil still makes me angry when she is so nice to my other sil and will go out of her way to ignore me, or give a backsided insult, but I know after almost 18 years of marriage, she won't change. Funny thing is, she and I have alot in common. Her loss.

 

[chisnpeke]

I'm in the same shoes as your mom. My husband's sister treats me like that and is really great to my other sister in law, her other brother's wife. She is just downright mean to me and my kids sometimes. But it really is a reflection of how she treats her brothers too. She acts like my brother in law (her brother) walks on water and my dh (also her brother) just can't do anything right in her eyes. So her feelings for my dh have just passed on to me and the kids. It's annoying and sometimes hurtful and I've taken it most of the time. But when it comes to my kids, I'll call her on it. Your mom is just going to have to accept it. My sil still makes me angry when she is so nice to my other sil and will go out of her way to ignore me, or give a backsided insult, but I know after almost 18 years of marriage, she won't change. Funny thing is, she and I have alot in common. Her loss.

Exactly what is going on here.

Thanks!

 

[luvsJack]

Actually, thanks to this thread it has made me think of a reason that my mom's sister in law might be acting this way. It's just a guess though.

My mom said her sister in law wasn't like this until she had her own kids, which was 5 years after her brother had his first. I was VERY close to my grandma growing up. I was very attached to her and when I was young (before school age) there were times I would want to stay over there for 5 days at a time and my grandma let me. The normal day I would stay at my grandma's was on Fridays and the rest of the days I would go to a babysitter.

I think *maybe* my mom's sister in law was jealous of this relationship? My mom and brother and I went to WDW with my grandparents, for example. But my grandparents also took my cousins separately on vacations with just them so it wasn't really an unfair thing. My grandma took SIL son on a weekend trip to a state park and was going to take my brother and I with her on the next, she wanted to take all the grandkids. Well my mom's SIL (according to my grandma at the time) pushed her into taking my cousin along because it wasn't "fair" when in reality it was because my cousin would have gotten her turn. I didn't mind though because my cousin and I were best friends growing up. My grandparents also were concerned about us because of my parents' divorce and my dad's instability as a parent so it may have appeared for a time that we were being favored.

This is just a guess though and I'm really just thinking out loud about what may have triggered all of this.

This very well could be the problem. I have a sil that was like that when all our kids were young. She hated the fact that my dad had a special relationship with my oldest son. Even though my parents bent over backwards to make things "fair", she still resented everything that was ever done for or with my son.

This sil of mine would insist that my mother take all of her kids at one time instead of letting them take turns for outings with the grandparents and so it got to a point that mom would not call and ask to take them as much which of course just caused more resentment.

To tell you the truth, there may not be much your mom can do to reverse the resentment her sil has; but maybe she should still go to her sil and try to talk to her for her own piece of mind. At least she will know that she made an effort. And, too, she will really know what the problem is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Agreed - in the end, this is almost certainly the result of a relationship problem with her brother. Either that or her brother is going along with his wife to keep peace in his own home. Either way, the relationship that the OP's mother wants does not exist. She needs to accept it and enjoy those who do enjoy her company. We can't make other people like us...

Yep.

Now your mom can talk to her brother/SIL and ask her point blank on some issues when they come up. Not be mean, just say hey why didn't you give me a call or whatever the situation is.

The SIL might think that your mom doesn't care, could that be it? When your mom found out about the baby did she call the SIL to congratulate her?

Is your mom close with the niece/nephew that had the baby?

Part of the family dynamics does flop everywhere. I am sure the divorce thing is stuck in there as well somewhere.

Your mom can make an attempt to try and be more communicative toward her brother/sil or accept that they are never going to be close.

She has to find a way to handle the family dynamics without being hurt all the time.

Not an easy feat but it has to be done as you cannot live peacefully like that.

 

[chisnpeke]

Yep.

Now your mom can talk to her brother/SIL and ask her point blank on some issues when they come up. Not be mean, just say hey why didn't you give me a call or whatever the situation is.

The SIL might think that your mom doesn't care, could that be it? When your mom found out about the baby did she call the SIL to congratulate her?

Is your mom close with the niece/nephew that had the baby?

Part of the family dynamics does flop everywhere. I am sure the divorce thing is stuck in there as well somewhere.

Your mom can make an attempt to try and be more communicative toward his brother/sil or accept that they are never going to be close.

She has to find a way to handle the family dynamics without being hurt all the time.

Not an easy feat but it has to be done as you cannot live peacefully like that.

She called the day he was born. She talked to her brother (SIL was busy with the baby, understandable).

She's pretty close with my cousin. I wouldn't say they are extremely close but they have always gotten along. My mom really likes her niece.

I would like to point out that she isn't hurt all the time and this doesn't happen often because she knows that is how her SIL is. It's just an occasional thing that happens that will really upset my mom. My mom has gotten used to it over the years there are just some things that for whatever reason really upset my mom.

Honestly, my mom has a lot going on with my brother that she has to focus on so it isn't as if this is high on her list of things to be upset about but sometimes it just does really upset her and she gets to the point of tears (like today).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She called the day he was born. She talked to her brother (SIL was busy with the baby, understandable).

She's pretty close with my cousin. I wouldn't say they are extremely close but they have always gotten along. My mom really likes her niece.

I would like to point out that she isn't hurt all the time and this doesn't happen often because she knows that is how her SIL is. It's just an occasional thing that happens that will really upset my mom. My mom has gotten used to it over the years there are just some things that for whatever reason really upset my mom.

Honestly, my mom has a lot going on with my brother that she has to focus on so it isn't as if this is high on her list of things to be upset about but sometimes it just does really upset her and she gets to the point of tears (like today).

Oh well, if that is the case, I would not worry about your mom. Sounds like the family situation got to her and she had a bad day.