What do you think of this bully situation?

[Disney1fan2002]

The bully is autistic.

He is on my son's baseball team. My son has complained about him all summer. He steals all the kids gum, crushes their water bottles, and if they make an error, he tells them they stink, and they ruined the game. My son said he is the only kid on the team who doesn't say only positive things. (the kids are 9 and 10 yo).

When my son complains, I tell him he should tell the coach. This boy's dad is one of the assistant coaches. He said all the kids have complained to the coach.! I have seen this boy act up in the dug out, where he is grabbing some of the kids shirts and trying to pull them to the ground. I can see the other kid is desperately trying to get away from him. I have never seen his dad speak to him about any of it. I have never heard his dad tell him to stop. I just hear his dad say his name. Just once. He will say "Chester." (not his real name) and that's it.

I had been on the fence about this boy since the beginning. I know he is special needs, and he acts impulsively. He can't help it. What frustrates me to no end, is there has been no corrective behavior being taught to him. His dad just allows him to act this way. This is the all-star team, and if his dad were not a coach in the regular season, he would not be on the team. All the kids give him compliments and support when he strikes out, or when he can't run fast enough and gets out at the plate. I am sure all their parents have explained to them why he can't play as well as they can, as I did with my son.

Yesterday was the day I decided, this kid is going to have a rougher time going through life because his parents are not helping him! He was just AWFUL to a boy. The kid was sobbing and hyperventilating and begging his dad to just take him home.

This little boy "Jack" was put in to pitch in the 4th inning. We were winning 4-0. (This was a championship game, last game of the season). He did great in the 4th inning, only allowing 1 run. But he is only good for one inning, then he starts pitching all over the place. The coach usually uses him as a closer in the last inning. We (the parents) cringed when we saw the coach put him on the mound in the 5th inning. That's when the game started to fall apart. He couldn't get the ball over the plate, and walked the bases full. He starts crying, so the coach goes out to talk to him. I don't know what was said, but he calmed him down, and he stayed on to continue pitching. It wasn't pretty. He walked in 2 more runs, and then a kid hit in 2 more runs. Now the game is 5-4, and poor little "Jack" is just a basket case on the mound. When they scored the 5th run, he came off, begging the coach to take him out. Saying "I don't wan't to do this, I don't, I don't." My heart was aching for this poor kid. I completely blame the coach. He never should have tried to pitch him a 2nd inning, and even if he tried, he should have taken him out after his 1st meltdown.

So, the boys lost. Heartbreaking, but it happens. They were still happy they got a trophy. All the kids were grinning, and high fiving, but I look and see little "Jack" is still sobbing. I move in a little closer to the kids and see and hear "Chester" following him around telling him he lost the game for them, and he can't believe they could have gotten the gold trophy and now they're stuck with a silver. He was saying it in such a mean and menacing voice. This boy has real anger issues. Chester's mother heard what he was saying, SAW what it was doing to the other boy, and she just stood there and said "Chester". That was it. This was when "Jack" started begging his dad to take him home.

I'm sorry, and I am probably going to get flamed for saying this, but autism or no...what that kid was allowed to do, not just yesterday, but all season is wrong. Having a disability is one thing. If he can learn the game of baseball, then he can learn proper behavior. My oldest DS has Asperger's and I am correcting him constantly. It is exhausting, and YES, he does get punished!!!!

It's just we try to teach these kids tolerance, yet they had to put up with this kid all season. I had a talk with my son last night and explained to him that it was the adults in his life that were making him the way he was. He really can't help saying what he says..it's up to his parent's to correct him and they don't.

 

[Ceila]

The bully is autistic.

He is on my son's baseball team. My son has complained about him all summer. He steals all the kids gum, crushes their water bottles, and if they make an error, he tells them they stink, and they ruined the game. My son said he is the only kid on the team who doesn't say only positive things. (the kids are 9 and 10 yo).

When my son complains, I tell him he should tell the coach. This boy's dad is one of the assistant coaches. He said all the kids have complained to the coach.! I have seen this boy act up in the dug out, where he is grabbing some of the kids shirts and trying to pull them to the ground. I can see the other kid is desperately trying to get away from him. I have never seen his dad speak to him about any of it. I have never heard his dad tell him to stop. I just hear his dad say his name. Just once. He will say "Chester." (not his real name) and that's it.

I had been on the fence about this boy since the beginning. I know he is special needs, and he acts impulsively. He can't help it. What frustrates me to no end, is there has been no corrective behavior being taught to him. His dad just allows him to act this way. This is the all-star team, and if his dad were not a coach in the regular season, he would not be on the team. All the kids give him compliments and support when he strikes out, or when he can't run fast enough and gets out at the plate. I am sure all their parents have explained to them why he can't play as well as they can, as I did with my son.

Yesterday was the day I decided, this kid is going to have a rougher time going through life because his parents are not helping him! He was just AWFUL to a boy. The kid was sobbing and hyperventilating and begging his dad to just take him home.

This little boy "Jack" was put in to pitch in the 4th inning. We were winning 4-0. (This was a championship game, last game of the season). He did great in the 4th inning, only allowing 1 run. But he is only good for one inning, then he starts pitching all over the place. The coach usually uses him as a closer in the last inning. We (the parents) cringed when we saw the coach put him on the mound in the 5th inning. That's when the game started to fall apart. He couldn't get the ball over the plate, and walked the bases full. He starts crying, so the coach goes out to talk to him. I don't know what was said, but he calmed him down, and he stayed on to continue pitching. It wasn't pretty. He walked in 2 more runs, and then a kid hit in 2 more runs. Now the game is 5-4, and poor little "Jack" is just a basket case on the mound. When they scored the 5th run, he came off, begging the coach to take him out. Saying "I don't wan't to do this, I don't, I don't." My heart was aching for this poor kid. I completely blame the coach. He never should have tried to pitch him a 2nd inning, and even if he tried, he should have taken him out after his 1st meltdown.

So, the boys lost. Heartbreaking, but it happens. They were still happy they got a trophy. All the kids were grinning, and high fiving, but I look and see little "Jack" is still sobbing. I move in a little closer to the kids and see and hear "Chester" following him around telling him he lost the game for them, and he can't believe they could have gotten the gold trophy and now they're stuck with a silver. He was saying it in such a mean and menacing voice. This boy has real anger issues. Chester's mother heard what he was saying, SAW what it was doing to the other boy, and she just stood there and said "Chester". That was it. This was when "Jack" started begging his dad to take him home.

I'm sorry, and I am probably going to get flamed for saying this, but autism or no...what that kid was allowed to do, not just yesterday, but all season is wrong. Having a disability is one thing. If he can learn the game of baseball, then he can learn proper behavior. My oldest DS has Asperger's and I am correcting him constantly. It is exhausting, and YES, he does get punished!!!!

It's just we try to teach these kids tolerance, yet they had to put up with this kid all season. I had a talk with my son last night and explained to him that it was the adults in his life that were making him the way he was. He really can't help saying what he says..it's up to his parent's to correct him and they don't.

I think you are right to be upset, and I think the boy's parents are doing a huge disservice to him by not stepping in and correcting his behavior. Not only is he not learning how to act appropriately, his actions are alienating any possible peer relationships he could develop through sports. I suppose it's possible that his parents are more active about correcting him at home, but based on your post I doubt it.

Is there a commissioner you can talk to about what you've seen? Obviously, the fact that the dad is a coach could play a role in how responsive the organizers of the league might be. We're not involved heavily in kids' sports, so I don't know what the politics of your situation are.

Good luck. It sounds like a bad situation for everyone involved, including the boy with autism.

 

[java]

File a complaint with the league. An autistic child has every right to participate and learn the game of baseball ,play and have a good time- just as all the Non- Autistic kids have to right to particapate, learn, play and have a good time.

I wouldn't fault the parents for not correcting him the way you think they should. You don't really know what dynamics are a part of his diagnosis. It's a slippery slope.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I think you are right to be upset, and I think the boy's parents are doing a huge disservice to him by not stepping in and correcting his behavior. Not only is he not learning how to act appropriately, his actions are alienating any possible peer relationships he could develop through sports. I suppose it's possible that his parents are more active about correcting him at home, but based on your post I doubt it.

Is there a commissioner you can talk to about what you've seen? Obviously, the fact that the dad is a coach could play a role in how responsive the organizers of the league might be. We're not involved heavily in kids' sports, so I don't know what the politics of your situation are.

Good luck. It sounds like a bad situation for everyone involved, including the boy with autism.

I agree with this post. I have two friends with children who are autistic and they correct their children. They would never have let this happen. It sounds like bad parenting to me, which makes it hard for everyone. I wish you luck.

 

[Ceila]

I wouldn't fault the parents for not correcting him the way you think they should. You don't really know what dynamics are a part of his diagnosis. It's a slippery slope.

I'd absolutely fault them for knowingly allowing their child to continue to berate another player. Maybe they couldn't stop it before it started, but to not remove him when he continues to verbally tear down a peer is inexcusable.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

File a complaint with the league. An autistic child has every right to participate and learn the game of baseball ,play and have a good time- just as all the Non- Autistic kids have to right to particapate, learn, play and have a good time.

I wouldn't fault the parents for not correcting him the way you think they should. You don't really know what dynamics are a part of his diagnosis. It's a slippery slope.

I am sorry but I don't care what DX a child or adult has- demeaning another child is not acceptable. All leagues have a code of conduct that has to be followed or you can be asked to leave the league. Everyone has a right to participate and have a good time but there are rules. Oh and if "Chester's" parents did nothing while he was mean to my kid I would step in and tell Chester that he needs to stop because that is not a nice way to act and we are should all be supporting each other etc. yadda yadda. If that didn't work then I would address the parents. If Chester can't treat people nicely then the parents need to work on it before he plays team sports. YMMV.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I wouldn't fault the parents for not correcting him the way you think they should. You don't really know what dynamics are a part of his diagnosis. It's a slippery slope.

I'm sorry, but I do fault the parents. This kids was stalking the other boy, who already felt bad enough. He was following him around as the kid was trying to get away from him, the kid was a complete basket case. His mom saw what he was doing, she should have pulled him away from the other boy and told him what he was saying was wrong.

I don't understand what kind of dynamic of his dx would make this wrong.

 

[Disney Doll]

Every child has a right to play.
No child has a right to bully another child and I don't care what their diagnosis is.

When one child's rights (that of the autistic boy) supercede another child's rights (everyone else who wants to just play and have fun and learnt he game etc.), then it is time for parents to step in.

As far as his special needs status...yes he may need to be handled differently, but he still needs to be handled. If he is autistic,. then perhaps he cannot control what he says or does at times, but it is up to his parents to step in and correct him.

We have very dear friends with a Downs Syndrome son who has some shades of autism as well...hard to truly diagnose the degree of autism due to his Downs Syndrome and some of the effects of that, but one can see reptitive motion, aversion to certain textures, attraction ot certain textures and many of the other things that are indicative of some level of autism. Anyhow, this kid is now 14. When he acts up, he gets disciplined. he is not allowed to use his special needs as an excuse not to behave.

This child's parents are failing him. he is going to have a difficult life because he will have no close friends because he is so obnnoxious and no one is teaching him how to not be obnoxious.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I have an ADHD/Aspie DS. Yes, it can be exhausting correcting inappropriate behavior but it still needs to be done! It's difficult getting an Aspie to understand how his words and actions can make someone else feel. It's something that needs to be reinforced constantly. This boy's parents are doing a huge disservice to their child. He will be an outcast and will have no idea why nobody wants to be around him.

Yes, I would definitely say something to the head coach or even go over his head until somebody listened. I wouldn't shoot for having this kid thrown out of the sport but definitely have some consequences established. Maybe mom and dad would be more on the spot with corrections (Dad: "Chester, if you don't stop saying nasty things or won't keep your hands to yourself, you'll need to sit next to me/by yourself on this seat") if Chester could end up benched a game or two for unsportsman-like conduct!

 

[ilovejack02]

File a complaint with the league. An autistic child has every right to participate and learn the game of baseball ,play and have a good time- just as all the Non- Autistic kids have to right to particapate, learn, play and have a good time.

I wouldn't fault the parents for not correcting him the way you think they should. You don't really know what dynamics are a part of his diagnosis. It's a slippery slope.

Not acceptable and yes it is the parents fault. While the child has issues, the parents should not just stand by and allow this to happen. If they can't get the child to refrain from bullying and demeaning another child then he needs to be removed from the situation, and I don't mean kicked off team. I mean the second he starts following a child around being cruel he needs to be taken to the side away from the others.

I have two close friends who have sons with Asperger's and while the kiddos say inappropriate things at times and yes sometimes they are mean, the are constantly corrected and if they don't stop they are removed from situations.

Poor little guy, if he doesn't learn how to handle social situations , he will always be shunned .

File a complaint with league.

 

[kamik86]

I agree with most of the other posters here. Although "Chester" has a right to play that doesn't mean that every other child on that team should be subjected to behavior like this. I would definitely go to the other parents and form a group with any that were willing then go to the head coach (you said the father is an assistant) and whatever governing body the league has until some solution was reached. Either the parents need to step up and take a more active role in controlling this childs behavior or the child needs to not be allowed to play until he is able to do so without stepping on the rights of all the other children to not be harassed for the entire game.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't think autism is the issue (I have a family member with Asperger's also). Like others have said, it's bad parenting, plain and simple.

IME, whatever you're feeling, others are feeling as well; I'm sure even the coach's son. As a group, the parents should speak to the coach. There's power in numbers.

One of my son's coaches has a son whose behavior can be a little fresh at times (and nothing to the extent you've described). I've seen him pull him out of the game and make him sit in the car when he acts that way. It's simply not tolerated.

 

[Momvic5]

My ds14 is experienceing the same thing right now on his high school freshman football team. The boy, I speak of, also has autism and is about 5'10" and 220lbs. He gets in the other boys' faces and teases them. There hasn't been any kind of pushing, shoving, or hitting, but I am afraid it might happen eventually....he makes the boys very nervous. They are not sure how to handle him. Most of them just try to avoid him.....it is a very difficult situation. The coaches are aware and try to keep an aide with him while in the dressing rooms and such, but if the situation does not improve, he will be released from the team...at least that is what I have heard.

 

[castleview]

I would have no tolerance for this. I understand he's special needs, but that doesn't mean that other children should be hit, intimidated, or hindered by this child.

I'm for giving special needs children what they need, but no one will get in the way of my kid's education and well being.

 

[luvmy3]

Being special needs shouldn't be an excuse. I understand that this child may require different type of discipline, however he still requires it. I'm sorry but if the parent wants that child to be accepted and able to do things like play baseball on a team then that parent has a responsibilty to make sure that child behaves accordingly. If they aren't willing to then they shouldn't be signing their child up for any team sport.

 

[DMass]

If the roles were reversed and it was someone bullying the autistic boy, they would have been off the team long ago.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The kid was sobbing and hyperventilating and begging his dad to just take him home.

and poor little "Jack" is just a basket case on the mound. When they scored the 5th run, he came off, begging the coach to take him out. Saying "I don't wan't to do this, I don't, I don't." My heart was aching for this poor kid. I completely blame the coach.

I look and see little "Jack" is still sobbing.

Hey, both Zack's parents AND the coach are way, way, in the wrong here.

If Zack was being traumatized, his parents should have stepped in.
The other kid may possibly be autistic, but it sounds as if poor Zack may have some issues and fragility of his own, which are being ignored.

IMHO, this is not just about the 'autistic' kid and his parents.
ALL of the adults here are failing all of these kids.

Unfortunately, I doubt that any of the board/commission/whomever is in control of this league will be willing or able to do anything, at all.

The season is over now????
I definitely would not want my son to play again on a team where any of the adults here are involved.
I might look for other options.

 

[DeniseinNS]

I definatly think if there is a problem then it should be adressed with the coaches. Yes, special needs children might need some things handled differently but that does not give them the right to treat other children poorly. I think it's bad parenting in this case since the parents obviously see whats going on and don't do anything about it. My husband works with kids/adults with special needs (autism, downs syndrome, etc...) and has worked with a few kids/teens that the parents do not discipline their child that is special needs because they feel like they should do pretty much whatever they want, they really need to have discipline just like every other child.

 

[momz]

I can totally relate to the OP's situation. Except, it's a neighbor's child who is on the spectrum that is bullying the other kids. Unfortunately, ours is not a team sport situation.

What we have is an 11 year old boy that is constantly taunting and calling names. He will run up and down the street screaming and "roaring" which is frightening to the other kids (all of which are younger than him). 2 of the other kids (ages 10 and 9) will try to stand up to this boy, to get him to leave them alone, stop calling names, stop chasing them or the others. But that only results in the boy's mother complaining that "none of the kids like him". To which I respond..."they just don't like being called names and chased all the time."

Oh, and if another adult corrects this child...then the drama is made worse, the child's mother starts screaming at all her kids to "get in the house". She will yell just as much as her child sometimes. She insists that the problem is that the other children (and parents) are being intolerant and judgemental. I disagree...I think the other kids are very tolerant for the most part.

It is a very awkward and touchy situation. There are 2 other children in this family that are not a problem at all. From what I can see, it appears as though the child with the behavior problem runs the roost. When he gets pulled into the house...they all do, even if the other 2 have done nothing wrong.

Yup...a parenting issue here as well. How to deal with it, when it's your child being called names, chased and screamed at is the problem.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

All the children should be required to behave properly, special needs is not an okay to be mean to all the other kids.