What do you tell the kids...

[Rock'n Robin]

My MIL, age 58, may have lung cancer. She had a spot on her lung tested last week and was supposed to find out what it was today. DH talked to FIL who promised to call as soon as they found out after their 1:30 appt. We haven't heard yet, so we are assuming the worst. FIL told DH this weekend anyhow they were pretty sure the spot wasn't pneumonia....
MIL has been ill for years with rheumatoid arthritis, and has had emphysema for 10 years (although until last year it was misdiagnosed as asthma). She has almost no immunity to anything and we can never go over when the kids even have a sniffle. We went over on Sunday and she looks really bad. She is very weak and having a lot of breathing issues. She is also looking gaunt in the face.
My oldest DD (11) has been prepared for the fact that her Nana may end up carting around an oxygen tank, but the other two DD#2 is 8 and DS is 5) don't understand any of that. If she is diagnosed with cancer, I don't know if I should even tell them, esp. not until I have all of the details on her prognosis. The girls are the type that may be brooding about it all of the time. Sometimes DD#2 gets upset out of the blue that her uncle is in Iraq (and yes, this is his mother that is ill--my husband's brother).
DH's sister from NC is coming in at the end of the month for a week when her year-round school children track out--they are 9 and 6--I haven't seen them for 2 years so that is great, although they will be here during the school week and their cousins and I will be gone during the day. But she is essentially here so her kids can see their Nana just in case. I think she's finally realized that her mom is not healthy enough to travel to NC. They last time they made the trip in 94 it was very, very hard on her and all she had wrong then was the arthritis.
What do you tell small children about cancer? I am completely lost as I've never had family get ill like this before.

 

[powellrj]

we have had to deal with this question, and they way I handle it is to be as honest as your children can understand. In other words small children just need to know that someone is very ill, not the same kind of ill as when you have a cold, older children can be told more imformation, such as grandparents might not be getting better. Usually when a family is going through something like this the children can pick up on the fact that something is wrong, but they are really not sure what and and how does it affect them.

 

[Eiblis]

(((( hugs )))))
sorry to hear you are going through this.

On your question.I have always felt it better to be honest with children.....tell them what they need to know and what they can handle..remember children will pick up on conversations and if they dont know the whole story will make up the rest.....
Answer their questions as honestly as you can.

 

[Cindy B]

Well, My MIL was just diagnosed with Lung Cancer last week.. ( we found out about it when we returned from WDW)

My kids are 8 (soon to be 9) and just turned 6. She was in the hospital... for blood clots, then they found the cancer, now she is back in the hopital again, only to go straight to the cancer center.

We told them that Nene.. was really sick. A parent of one of my kids friends has cancer, so we told the older one. The parent has good and bad days, hair and no hair, so we knew he (my son) could handle it.

My MIL does not have a good prognosis.. so its a challenging situation.

 

[sap1227]

When you tell small children about illnesses like cancer, make sure to reassure them that they can not "catch" the disease. As adults we tend to forget how children's minds work and the things they think of.

{{{hugs}}}

Sorry to hear about your MIL

Christy

 

[KimR]

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer last January and we have not told my DDs (11, 5, and 2). We visit my parents every Sunday and all they know is that Grandma had a sore back (due to the spread of cancer to the bones), so she had to take some medicine that made her hair come out. My mother has not seemed to be sick, just a little weak and tires easily, so they haven't really had any reason to question it. The reason we have not told them is that my Mother wants her relationship with them be be as 'normal' as possible for as long as possible and we are respecting her wishes.

It would be much more difficult if they were to start asking questions because I've already told my parents that I do not want to lie to them. If they started asking questions, I would probably be as truthful as possible without coming right out and saying cancer.

Kim

 

[phillybeth]

Coming from a background of a sibling and a grandparent with chronic debilitating illnesses- be honest with the kids. Express it in language they can understand, but don't try to hide it. Kids can pick up on the tension and stress. You know your kids, if they are worriers express everything positively- Grandmom is sick, the doctors are going to make her better, but she might have to go into the hospital, medicine might make her hair fall out, etc. Kids can understand a lot more than what most people give them credit for, and they are great at hearing things they are not supposed to- you might think your kids have no idea, but they have heard you and DH and other family members talk about it, trust me!
And, God forbid, if the time ever comes... I don't know your religious preference if any, but my parents gave me the best explanation when my brother passed- I was 6. They told me that Joey was sick, but the medicine wasn't working so God took him to heaven so he wouldn't be sick anymore.

 

[LisaTx]

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. I'l be sending positive thoughts your way.

I have to go with honesty being the best policy. Once you find out the official diagnosis, I would tell them that she is sick and explain as much as possible in terms that they can understand.

If it comes to the worst, I would tell them before hand so that they can say their goodbyes and make peace with the situation. I was 9 when my dad got cancer. I thought he would get better. My mother never told me he was terminal. I never got to say goodbye and to this day I resent the fact that my mother took that opportunity away from me.